Trigger warning: sex, light BDSM/bondage, and possibly dissociation.
6. Unrestrained
Karma had stopped purposely avoiding Amy, as time passed since The Incident on Halloween. Yet, giving Amy Those Pictures has given Karma a fresh reason to be absent. She always has class before Amy, so it's relatively easy to slip out of the room without a peep from the sleeping lump on their bed—Amy's bed.
And Karma knows it's bad that she's been doing it a lot this semester, but she finds that spending inordinate amounts of time at the library makes her feels less guilty about spending the occasional afternoon with Alan, lighting up. Amy still doesn't know that she smokes, and Karma tries to cut back by never taking more than a couple of hits. But Alan always has potent weed, and it doesn't take much.
So it's only natural when Karma decides to hunker down all of Thursday night in PCL, which upperclassmen tell her stands for Pretty Crappy Library. But it's actually Perry-Castañeda Library: a huge, dimly lit, and especially full building, since it's midterm time.
Procrastination is one of Karma's biggest flaws. She rarely leaves small assignments to the last minute, but when she has a larger project to do, she rarely is able to get a head start. This is a problem that hasn't affected her much, until now, since most of her courses only have high-stakes assignments during midterm and finals week.
But ever since this paper had been encroaching, she managed to find song-writing inspiration frequently, inconveniently; at the exact moments she could have potentially begun this major assignment early. It's due at 10am Friday, the next morning. To prevent distraction, Karma turns off her cellphone until she is finally bleary-eyed and finished.
She works diligently. Karma is a master at using Google Scholar and the university's library search function. But it's a bland topic, and she finds herself nodding off.
The setting sun is filtering through the window shades. Karma is holding Amy, and the room is dark. They're not speaking, and Karma finds that she can't open her mouth. But Amy has a quiet smile on her face. She looks beautiful and angelic in this light. Karma wants to thank her for everything, and so she surges forward and kisses her. It's not something she really thinks about.
Karma feels Amy pull back. Amy doesn't look displeased or regretful. Doesn't seem to remember the kiss they shared a few weeks ago that was all wrong, because Karma was drunk and Amy didn't want to be reminded of the feelings she had buried. Instead, it's AmyandKarma just being together.
"Woah," Is all Karma can say.
"I know," Amy breathes.
And that is something that makes Karma feel strange, because they can move past everything. They can still be themselves, as soul mates, unrestrained, despite their messy history.
But when she feels Amy kiss her again, it feels wrong. Karma's eyes wells with tears and she can't describe exactly why she wants to cry, but she begins sobbing until she's alone.
Now it's not AmyandKarma it's just Karma. The sun has set and it's Karma alone.
Karma. Alone in an empty, dark room.
Karma can only remember that she had a faint dream about Amy, but it feels fuzzy. She finishes her paper, trying not to think about its exact contents.
Her phone dings with a barrage of message notifications. Amy is worried. That fact makes Karma both happy and nervous. She takes the time to read all of them before her fifteen-minute walk back to her dorm.
11:21 PM – Amy: Hi. Where have you been all day?
12:30 PM – Amy: …Karma?
12:50 AM – Amy: Are you coming back tonight?
01:30 AM – Amy: Called Liam and he doesn't know where you are? Let me know when you get this.
There are even a few from Brian.
12:09 AM – Brian: Hey bitch.
12:23 AM – Brian: You up?
And as expected, one from Liam. He worries about her less than Amy does, but it's nice to know that he cares.
1:17 AM – Liam: Amy just called me asking if you were okay?
She feels bad for making Amy and Liam worry, so she sends them the same message.
2:01 AM – Karma: Sorry, I've been PCL working on a paper.
Karma feels out of sorts and exhausted. But she's proud that she managed to complete her paper with enough time to sleep. She looks down at her phone, a little surprised that she received a response so quickly.
2:05 AM – Amy: I've just been thinking about something I've always wanted to do.
2:08 AM – Karma: ?
2:09 AM – Amy: You should tie me up.
Karma has no idea if Amy is somehow flirting with her or just being funny, but the message doesn't make sense, probably because it's 2am. Then Karma is suddenly wide-awake, because she makes the connection to Amy's comment—multiple comments—before about Karma's "kinky sex life" and it strikes her that despite trying to seem ridiculous, Amy is probably half-serious. Like Karma was half-serious about the nudes thing, and this doesn't seem like a good idea.
It's actually a really, really terrible and excruciatingly awful idea.
(But Karma seems attracted to those lately.)
When Karma returns to their room, she sees Amy still awake, the only light in the room coming from the screen of the laptop on her stomach. Amy seems totally engrossed in a YouTube tutorial about some computer language. And Karma doesn't know what overcomes her, but as soon as she puts down her things, she grabs Amy's laptop and closes the lid.
"Are you sure?" Karma hears herself ask, and she suddenly remembers the details of her dream and that makes her insecure, so she doesn't wait for her best friend to respond. Instead, she's grabbing the silk scarves in the closet—the scarves that her brother sent her during his volunteer stint in Cambodia. And her mind turns to Zen Ashcroft and his stories about romancing women, because he's such a feminist and so polite and so gentle. Because Karma knows she won't ever have someone like that, and she can't be someone like that, so instead she gives in to her desire to hurt.
Amy finally just nods her head, still incredibly silent, watching Karma. Watching Karma climb on top of her, forcing Amy to lay back. Watching Karma wrap the scarves around her wrists, effectively binding Amy to the bedpost.
Amy is watching Karma, unable to break the tension in the air. Karma has dark, unreadable eyes. Amy loves Karma. Loves her so much that she would trust her with her entire life. They both know this. And Karma knows Amy will trust her in this moment, unquestionably, irrevocably.
Amy is restricted and exposed. She isn't wearing a bra underneath her thin t-shirt. It takes only one hand for Karma to remove her sleeping shorts and panties all in one go. Karma is straddling Amy still fully clothed, hovering, her own expression unchanged. She sees her soul mate vulnerable only inches below, and it's an amazing sense of power, because Amy isn't scared.
And Amy should be.
Amy should try to struggle and scream, but instead she lays there, a slight flush to her face and her mouth in a slight curve. Karma wants to kiss her on the mouth again, if only to see Amy's reaction. But instead, what seems more appropriate is kissing her neck, lifting Amy's t-shirt gently up, up, and grabbing at her breasts.
Karma's never had interest in someone's breasts, other than the size of her own, but Amy's are nice and perky. The flesh is pale and milky, and all Karma can think about is ruining it. Karma never thought she was a sexual person, but she knows that's how this must look. She first sucks at Amy's nipple, and then moves onto the flesh beside that, tentatively biting the side of her right breast and then sucking. Sucking down hard. Amy whimpers, but she doesn't tell Karma to stop. She encourages Karma with small noises and sighs, and all Karma can do in response is leave a trail of hickeys.
"Is this…" Karma whispers as she bites again, this time on the side of her neck. She hesitates before shyly finishing: "what you wanted?"
"Yes," Amy can't utter much else. She's breathing heavy, and clearly so close and Amy's wetness is making Karma's jeans stick to her thighs. The air is heavy with the smell of Amy's sex and Karma doesn't mind. She wants to make Amy happy, but this is one of the only ways she knows she can do so without failure. Because Karma knows that this is what Amy wants more than anything.
So Karma gives and gives and gives.
She touches Amy softly at first, and then harshly, grabbing Amy's nipples between her fingers. And Amy must be sensitive, because she's responding so positively and even though Karma is always above her with eyes that scream only concentration, Amy is looking at her with absolute adoration.
After leaving several marks scattered along Amy's body like a constellation, Karma finally stops teasing and lets her fingers trail to Amy's thigh. She brushes the skin there, and then, without notice, penetrates Amy quickly. And it feels warm and rougher than she expected, but Amy is writhing so much, Karma knows she must be doing something right.
And Amy is wet and Karma moves her fingers like she's done this before, but she purposely avoids the most sensitive area. Amy wants to touch herself, touch Karma, kiss Karma, do something, and Karma knows this. But Amy has done nearly everything for Karma since the beginning of their relationship. Amy takes care of her and brushes away her tears and stays by her side. Always.
Karma knows that Amy would give anything to be unrestrained, but she can't help but think it's her turn to take care of Amy. Not satisfy Amy, but take care of this precious human being beneath her. This person that looks at Karma like she's the sun itself, and it breaks her heart to think that anyone could really love her this much.
What Karma refuses to acknowledge is that it she feels weirdly powerful to deny Amy the satisfaction of finally coming. Because Karma touches Amy until she murmurs that she's "almost there" and in that precise moment, Karma stops all ministrations. She unties the scarves and removes herself from Amy. Amy is clearly frustrated, but is so undone and out of breath, that it's hard for her to speak.
Karma slowly gets ready to shower. She peels off her clothes, and it's new that she doesn't bother to turn away from Amy while she does so. She's wrapped in a towel and ready to walk into the bathroom when Amy finally does manage to say something.
"Wait."
"Yeah?" Karma successfully keeps her voice even.
"Will you…y'know…you didn't have to do that, right?" Amy looks insecure and frightened, like she should have been all that time. Both sides of her neck look bruised from multiple bites, and Karma can't help but grin a little. She feels feral and wild and that, too, is absolutely new.
"I know."
She exits the room after that admittance. Karma showers and her mind turns at a million miles per minute. She knows that Amy will want it all to mean something, because she's a really sentimental person. She's more than that—Amy is a good person that wants sex to be lovely and meaningful. But it's too early in the morning to think about consequences, so Karma showers, keeping her mind numb.
Amy is somehow dead asleep when she returns. Her sleeping face looks content and tired. Karma gets into bed with her, wearing only underwear and a thin tank top. Her bare skin feels hot against Amy's, and it feels light and familiar. It's as if all past transgressions have washed away when she's holding Amy.
But Karma knows, regrets, hates that her guilt won't be soothed for long.