Trigger warning: more drug use and sexual situations with possible dissociation.
7. First
Friday is actually kind of boring. Karma turns in her paper and eats lunch with Amy at the dining hall during their break. This is the only day of the week that they have a gap between classes at the same time. Amy talks about Reagan texting her and the weather. Karma mostly nods and tries not to mentally over analyze what has happened less than 24 hours before. Because she's physically exhausted from staying awake so late and getting up so early, and she's mentally exhausted from being herself. Karma knows she's going to need to explain something to Amy at some point, but she is thankful when Amy doesn't demand this explanation right away.
When they part, Karma goes to her discussion section, still deep in thought. She doesn't participate or pay attention, but texts Alan the entire time. He sends her playlists that she can't open or listen to during class, but says they're great nonetheless.
Kama and Alan go through an entire gram by the end of the day. They drive around and listen to psychedelic music while hitting his glass pipe. They go to a park and walk around and smoke again. Karma had promised herself she was going to quit, but it's hard when Alan is willing to share and so easy to talk to. She still hasn't told him anything about her roommate.
Spending time with Alan lets her forget. She relaxes. She eats McDonalds with him. Sorry Mom and Dad, she thinks, biting into one of the curiously best-tasting McChickens ever. They sit in the car for a while after eating, unable to really do much.
"Dude," Alan says quietly.
"Yeah?" Karma is having a hard time keeping her eyes open.
"I think we smoked the whole dub."
"My parents would be proud," She giggles, not even sure if they would consider that a lot.
"Really?" He looks at her with surprise. His eyes are red.
"My name is Karma and my brother's name is Zen. Absolutely."
"That's tight," Alan says without much expression. Suddenly, they're both laughing really hard.
After that, Alan and Karma talk about music. They agree that they should play together sometime, but he will have to supply her with a guitar. Karma leaves his car feeling stoned and less anxious than she has all day.
When Karma returns to her dorm room, she's slightly less high, and relieved to see that it's empty. Karma showers very slowly. When she's finished, it's absolutely silent in the bathroom while she browses her phone, still too high to face the outside.
That's when Karma hears Amy coming back, and she gets blips of a conversation. She can tell that Amy is talking to Shane and then hears Karma and MindfuckingMe somewhere in the mix, and that's when Karma decides to stop eavesdropping and make her presence be known. She washes her hands and draws the shower curtains to one side as loudly as possible.
"Damn it—gotta go," Amy hangs up the phone quickly when she realizes that Karma is actually in their room.
But instead of confronting Amy about her call, or about the kiss or about the pictures or about their encounter, Karma suggests they watch a weird movie together, since they have some time to relax. It's a science fiction and fantasy kind of thing that becomes so odd and outlandish, they can't tell if it has a plot or not.
Karma has her laptop on her stomach and Amy is lying against her side as if she was meant to be there. And even though the laptop is exerting a lot of heat, Karma knows she's also kind of hot from Amy being there, unnecessarily close. It's like when they were younger and had a lot more free time to be together, watching something, with very few physical boundaries.
Amy grasps at Karma's fingers on her left side, playing with them in her own, until she finally interlocks their hands. And it's nice, because Karma knows that this is normal for them. They're platonic friends watching a movie, and that's what Karma has always relied on Amy for. She tries to ignore the thick scarf Amy's wearing that successfully covers the entirety of her neck.
"So if we were characters in this movie, I'm pretty sure you'd be Oscar," Amy looks as if she's seriously thinking about this. "And I'd be Céline."
"Seriously, Amy? You think I'd be the freaky bald guy? And you get to be the limousine-driving MILF?"
"It's not about that..." She looks really serious in her consideration of one of the strangest films they have ever seen together.
Karma can't help but be hyperaware of their hands, still together as the credits are rolling and Amy's thinking so deeply about what they've just watched. Amy loves cinematography and Karma loves that about her and loves knowing that about her. She could write a book about Amy Raudenfeld, because despite what people think, Karma is really observant in general. But it's less like making observations and more like breathing, that Karma knows Amy's favorite color is blue and her favorite doughnut is plain glazed and she hates the beach (but maybe that's because they've only been to Galveston when they were 13 and the beaches there kind of suck).
"It's just," Amy starts after several moments of thought. "Now hear me out—you're Oscar, because he's the actor. He makes people feel better by participating in very real scenes. You're always out to please everyone around you, even if it takes a toll on you emotionally. Like when you had to help get your parents market their juice truck or when you performed that song to save Hester or when you broke up with Liam."
"Hey, but how did breaking up with Liam make someone else happy?"
"It made me happy, because I was—it was…" Amy hesitates now, but her eyes look distant. As if she's remembering be in high school all over again.
"It made me happy, because it was good to see you take care of yourself. You know that I want you to be with someone that really cares about you, not about sleeping with you." Then Amy suddenly looks less serious, kind of embarrassed. "Not to say that you broke up with him for me, but—"
"Thank you," Karma interrupts, squeezing Amy's hand for emphasis. "I guess you're Céline, because she always makes sure Oscar gets where he needs to go."
And that's probably not an accurate interpretation of the movie. But Karma likes that Amy somehow relates random things to their shared experiences in high school. Because that feels like a lifetime ago (even if graduation was only four months ago) and they're definitely different people than they were back then. Different people, but they were AmyandKarma back then and they're AmyandKarma now. It feels all so familiar even when it's not. They got through Amy's crush and Karma's heartbreak, and they're still best friends.
Karma wonders if Amy was just young and stupid to say that she was in love with her their sophomore year of high school, because now it's clear that Amy isn't. She's sexually attracted to Karma and maybe emotionally attached. But Amy hasn't asked for Karma to step off the edge with her or anything dramatic like that. They are soul mates and love each other deeply, but it's platonic and maybe a little more complicated than before, yet it works for them. It's uniquely them.
Karma worries about losing someone as caring as Amy, because she knows she's selfish and toxic sometimes, but she needs her. She needs Amy desperately, like she needs air, because Amy is the only person that can make Karma feel acknowledged in the world. Even her parents make her feel second best to her brother, and well Zen is Zen and she hasn't had many other friends. Amy is her world and sort of has been since they met.
They decide to go to sleep relatively early for a Friday night, because they know that tomorrow needs to be productive. Both girls have several midterms in the following week, and Amy still hasn't finished a computer science project due on Monday morning. Karma tries to sleep for a while, her arm draped around Amy's stomach, wondering if the other girl is really asleep. Eventually, Amy makes it clear that she is awake, turning toward Karma to face her. They're both in only panties and t-shirts, because sharing a tiny dorm bed creates a lot of body heat.
"Hey." Amy smiles at her, looking just as awake as Karma feels.
"Amy, go to sleep. Don't you want to finish the project before Frankie tomorrow?"
"I do," She trails off, and then lowers her voice to a whisper. "But maybe I could help you this time."
Somehow, Karma immediately knows what she means. Amy wants to touch her, and that feels less weird when she realizes she can't see the array of hickeys in the dark. They're physical reminders of what has happened and it makes Karma feel guilty, even if she's not quite sure why. And that same feeling makes Karma feel like she should object to Amy touching her, because she's not really concerned about masturbation.
Karma has never even had an orgasm before and kind of figured that was something she would get to when she had a regular boyfriend (that was better than Liam). But it's hard to say no when the moonlight filtering through the window, allows for her to see Amy's pleading eyes. And Karma feels something in her move and then nothing.
"Okay," Karma breathes quietly.
"Really?" Amy's response is less than a whisper.
"Yeah."
Then, unexpectedly, Karma finds Amy pushing her down to lie on her back. They're shoulder to shoulder, and that position is more than okay with Karma. Because she doesn't have to feel like this is related to tying Amy down with the scarves or giving her black and blue marks. There's no power dynamic now, because like this, they're still equals.
Amy's hands trail down Karma's stomach and stop momentarily when they reach the waistband of her shorts. But soon, deft fingers are feeling Karma's wetness. And she closes her eyes and stays as silent as possible, while Amy touches her gently, thoughtfully.
And it's clearly turning Amy on, because as Amy increases the rate of her strokes, her breathing gets heavier.
Karma is warm and the sensation of Amy touching her is so different from anything she's experienced before, because Amy is clearly skilled, touching her with just the right amount of pressure in the right places. Something that Liam must've failed miserably at, since she's never been this close to coming.
But what feels wrong about this moment is that Karma is not really thinking about anything in particular. She focuses on the even sound of Amy's breath and the slight rustle of the sheets. Her mind is floating and reeling and then empty. It's relaxing. Almost meditative. Amy is getting really hot next to her, and Karma can tell she is so tense, which is exactly the opposite of how she feels.
Karma climaxes quickly and suddenly, and Amy's fingers lightly touch her quivering sex. And it's extremely sensitive, so Karma uses her hand to guide Amy's away.
"Was that…okay?" Amy asks, still obviously excited, but a little insecure. Karma hates the thought of Amy thinking she's anything but wonderful, and she's happy that she could share this moment with Amy. Because Amy is the person she's closest to—her entire world, even. But none of the affection she has for Amy strikes Karma as romantic or sexual and that's really contradictory, so she tries to not think about it anymore.
"It was my first orgasm." Karma chuckles slightly, because of how ludicrous that sounds.
"Wow," Amy replies, her voice small.
Then Amy becomes bold.
"Can I…kiss you?"
And Karma freezes. She feels the tears behind her eyes, because Amy sounds so tentative and innocent and she wants to say yes, but she knows that will change everything. Karma swallows and just lets her body take over.
"No," Karma is on top of Amy, now, pining the other girl down with a little more force than necessary. And Karma feels at ease again, because she's in control—her eyes are dark and fierce. She hovers over Amy for moment, contemplating what to do, and then settles on kissing Amy's forehead with a gentleness that surprises them both.
"Kisses on the mouth are a reward. And you haven't earned one yet," she hears herself say.
And Amy pouts at that and turns away as if she's disappointed. Karma thinks it's so ridiculously adorable that she wants to take back what she said back, but she knows it would be unreasonable to do so. Instead, Karma moves to press her body against Amy, and they both make the adjustments to spoon like they do every night.
Karma is satisfied, and Amy is just happy to be next to her.
A/N: thanks for all of the positive responses thus far! i'm always thinking about this story. the movie that is referenced is real and it's called holy motors, which i only recommend if you like very strange, artsy films.