Forgiveness- Matthew West

It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve
It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word…
Forgiveness

Sam continued to dry his hair fervently as he rushed to answer the pounding at the door. "I'm coming, I'm coming."

As he opened the door, Dean rushed through and Sam looked at him confused "Dean, come on in."

As he moved to the living room, he found Dean pacing back and forth. "Dude, what's going on?"

Dean stopped his pacing and looked at Sam. "Did you know?"

Sam's eyebrows furrowed in further confusion "Know what?"

"About dad," Dean demanded "Did you know about dad?"

Sam's breath hitched as he contemplated what to say. He could feign innocence and Dean would calm down. Or he could admit the truth and have Dean implode in his living room. In the end, Sam always took the high road.

"Yes," he said simply.

Dean's face dropped in surprise "And you didn't tell me?"

Sam lifted his hands in a surrender gesture "I didn't know if you wanted…"

"Wanted to what?" Dean cutoff "Want to know that my father was dying. Come on Sammy."

"Dean, you haven't spoken to him in years," Sam reminded him as he watched Dean continue his pacing. "Every time I even bring him up, you tell me to shut the fuck up."

"That's not an excuse for not telling me," Dean said angrily.

Sam nodded as he tossed his towel to onto the couch "You're right, I should have told you."

"You're damn right, you should have told me," Dean growled

"I just agreed with you," Sam re-iterated as he sat on the couch.

Dean resumed his pacing "How long have you known?"

Sam shrugged "A few weeks. I mean I've known he was sick but we just found out for sure…well you know..and that's when I told him that he should tell you."

Dean finally stopped pacing and plopped into the chair "What am I supposed to do, Sam?"

Sam sighed not knowing what to say when Dean spoke again "I mean how am I supposed to process this information? He's dying…am I supposed to forgive him?"

"It would be nice if you did..it might give you some closure," Sam tried to reason but he knew Dean well enough that he didn't really want to hear logic.

"I don't know if I can…my whole life..I've been so angry..trying to be so perfect for him and all he ever cared about was…"

Sam grimaced because he knew what Dean was thinking. "Dean, he loves you..he just didn't know how to show it."

"Sammy, how can you be so forgiving about everything?"

"Easy, it's just not worth holding on to. Did he fuck up? Yeah, he did…royally. "

"Yeah he did," Dean agreed sadly.

"But if I hold it against him for the rest of my life, then it just makes me miserable," Sam stated satisfied with his logic.

Dean ran his hand through his hair "I hate it when you act like the big brother."

Sam gave him a smirk "Technically I am the bigger brother."

"Don't joke at a time like this, Sammy," Dean frowned.

"He's an old man, Dean. It's best if he can have some peace," Sam said seriously.

"I don't know if I can do it." Dean admitted guiltily.

Sam stood "Well let's go try."

"What? Now?" Dean asked nervously

"As good a time as any," Sam shrugged.

"No."

"What?"

"No, not today…I…I just need some time…."

Sam nodded but conceded "There isn't much left."

Dean put his head in his hands "I know, Sammy, I know."

"Let's get outta here, get some food. Ruby is out with Bela running errands. I'm free for the rest of the day."

Dean stood and looked at his little brother. He wanted to tell him he loved him, wanted to tell him he felt damn lucky to have him for a brother.

"Let's go, I'm starved."