Chapter 18

A Few Steps Back

He caught up with him before Finn had even reached the hangar. "Finn!" he called, as he was level with him. "Finn, I'm sorry!"

"I heard you the first time."

"Could you please stop walking?"

"I really don't want to." Finn didn't even turn his head to look at Poe, who had trouble keeping up with Finn's long strides.

"You don't want to talk to me?"

"Not right now, no."

At this, Poe stopped abruptly. His heart seemed to have plummeted to his knees. "Can we talk later?"

"I don't know yet… probably. Just leave me be."

Poe swallowed hard as he watched Finn enter the hanger and walk towards their ship. The two women who had walked up the ramp previously, were just leaving. Finn didn't pay any attention to them, but closed the ramp behind him, leaving Poe standing there in the hangar without the means to contact him. This had never happened… they'd had arguments before, but never on this scale.

Pressing his lips together, he just kept staring at the ship which had become their home over the last few months and seeing Finn locking himself away from him inside it made him feel empty, a vast void spreading through his chest.

"I didn't know you and him…" The familiar voice behind him made him flinch. Poe didn't turn to look at Morap. For a split second, he considered bunking here in the hangar underneath the ship, just to be close to Finn, but that would only look pathetic.

"Yeah, well… I thought you were cleverer than that…thinking I'd be pining for you after what you pulled." Still not meeting his gaze, Poe turned around again and started walking into the opposite direction, not caring where his feet were carrying him. He had no idea where he was, who these people were or what he had to expect next, he only knew that he didn't want Finn to look out the viewscreen and see him standing in the hangar talking with Morap… not that walking away with Morap at his heels would do anything to improve the situation.

"Poe…"

Poe scoffed. He had reached the corridor with the conference room again. The door was still open and the guards, along with Kal'na had vanished. He walked inside the room, knowing full well that Morap would follow him. "What?" he hissed, leaning against a table, arms crossed over his chest. "What do you want from me?"

Morap's shoulders sagged, a disheartened expression slowly creeping over his face. It only made Poe angrier to see him like this, though to be fair, he didn't know what it was he wanted of Morap. "I just thought…" Morap cleared his throat, then closed the door again to lean against it. "I... that night on the Starburst you made it really clear that you didn't want to leave with me."

Poe pressed his lips together and shook his head, remembering his last moments on Starkiller Base and how he had thought of Morap's parting remarks then. The words whispered in the dead of night, when they had both been exhausted from lovemaking and the toils of the day, their lips almost brushing. "I didn't," he said shifting uncomfortably. "Didn't mean I wanted you to leave."

"I had to. You know I had to! I couldn't take it anymore. The regulations, the oppression, the anger at the Republic and… and Starkiller. You saw what it did, didn't you? I'm pretty sure everyone did!"

Poe nodded slightly, and brushed his hand over his neck. "Yes, we did. It was the reason we left… before the weapon was fired."

Something like an unhappy smile started creeping up on Morap's face. "Really… does that make you feel any better? That you quit the Order before they killed billions of people?"

Gritting his teeth, Poe pushed away from the table. "Don't you dare lay that on me," he hissed, feeling the anger starting to boil up inside of him again. He knew exactly why Morap had said this. He wanted to make Poe angry and he had achieved his goal with ease. "Don't throw this in my face, I didn't make the Order the way it is!"

"No, the Order made you who you are."

Balling his hands into fists, Poe took a step back, forcing himself to take a deep, calming breath. Morap was right. Even if Poe didn't want him to be. "Same as you," he said. "Same as Finn. Doesn't mean we are what they want us to be."

"I suppose not," Morap said with that smile that used to make Poe want to wrap his arms around him and kiss him.

"How did you end up here anyway?"

"Your… friend said you thought I was with the Resistance?"

Poe nodded slowly, folding his arms across his chest again and stepping towards the viewscreens, staring out at the bluish whirl of hyperspace surrounding them. He didn't want to look at Morap anymore. He had hurt enough for a lifetime.

"Are you here to spy on me? Another one of your undercover missions?"

Poe turned his head, staring right into Morap's face. "You think I'd do that? Sell out someone I used to love once to the Order? Thanks, you must think highly of me."

"You loved me?"

Poe shrugged, then turned back to stare outside again, even if the sight made him dizzy. "Doesn't matter now if I did. I can't even remember what you were to me." It wasn't quite true. He knew exactly how he had felt about Morap, or at least he knew how he felt about him now. He had been in love with him, yes, but he loved Finn and that love was something he could neither ignore nor weigh against what he had once had with Morap. He only wanted to lash out at him right now and he had just used the only weapon he thought he had. Morap had hurt Finn and that was unforgiveable.

"So you just happened to be there, when we were dropped out of hyperspace?"

"I suppose so. Bad luck, I guess."

"And this Finn-guy is your new partner? He wasn't at the Academy with us, was he? He's too young."

"No, he wasn't." Poe shrugged, gritting his teeth at the same time. "He was a Stormtrooper."

Morap behind him whistled and Poe felt like turning around and smashing his fist into Morap's pretty face. He knew exactly what Morap was getting at. They had often wondered at how low an officer could sink to force a Stormtrooper to his bed and the very fact that Morap thought this was what had happened with him and Finn made his insides churn.

"Don't give me that…" Poe said quietly, his voice forcibly calm as he slowly turned around. "You have no idea what happened and I sure as hell am not going to tell you."

Morap's eyes narrowed and Poe could feel his breath on his skin as Morap exhaled. Poe hadn't even realized Morap had approached him again.

"Poe…" Morap muttered, raising a hand to put it on Poe's shoulder. Tentatively he started turning Poe so he was facing him. "I'm sorry. You… you have no idea how much I missed you."

Raising an eyebrow, Poe put his hand and Morap's chest and pushed him away. Morap's hand slipped from his shoulder. "You don't get to tell me that," Poe answered. "You left me, remember? You left me to be interrogated by Kafr and Hux and you didn't give a damn. You didn't even trust me enough to tell me what you had planned, so don't tell me you regret leaving me behind."

Morap swallowed visibly, then looked down at the floor, nodding slowly. He took a step back and sat down on one of the tables. "What about Meelan? Have you seen him?"

The name made Poe's stomach twinge uncomfortably. "He's doing better in the Order than I ever could," Poe said, venom in his voice. "He became a good friend for a while."

Raising an eyebrow, Morap looked up again. "You and Meelan?" He smiled crookedly. "How did that happen?"

Poe shrugged. "It just did."

"And then what? What made you see what they were doing to you?"

Poe wrinkled his nose. Morap hadn't earned the right to this story. He hadn't earned hearing about the woman who haunted his dreams and the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach every time he woke up. The feeling, which only started to abate when he saw Finn lying next to him, snoring softly in his ear. "You haven't told me a thing about you. Where are all the others you took with you?"

Morap pulled a face. "Some of them joined the Resistance but most just went their own way once we were clear of the Order. Haven't heard of them since."

"And you?"

"I'm a smuggler, as you can see. A fairly successful one at that, I might add."

Poe scoffed. "Show-off." Shaking his head, he looked out the viewscreen again, only to have somewhere to look other than Morap. For a moment, as silence stretched out between them, he couldn't help but wonder how his life would have turned out to be, had he followed Morap into the Unknown. Somehow their lives had taken similar turns, but Poe would have thought that Morap, idealistic, funny and unorganized Morap, would have tried to do something other with his life but assume the existence as a scoundrel and an outlaw. But then again… it was kind of fitting.

"But I'm glad you got out in time," Morap said and Poe merely shrugged. He hadn't gotten out soon enough in his opinion. He should never have returned to the Order in the first place, but tried to get away from Jakku with Finn.

"I wish we could have warned the Republic," he muttered. "Don't get me wrong: I still don't like them, but that attack… it was too much. Too violent. Even for them."

"You had no means of contacting them in time, I suppose. And you would have ended up in prison probably. Me too. That's why I stayed away."

Poe took a deep breath. "Still," he mumbled, closing his eyes against the glare outside. "I'm still surprised the Resistance haven't started a counter attack yet, you know? At least I haven't heard anything. Have you?"

"Are you here as a spy after all?"

This time Poe couldn't even begin to take offense. The light tone in which Morap had said it made his heart miss a beat. He could feel something lingering behind that tone. He turned around again, then sat down in one of the chairs, a sudden idea flashing through his mind. "If you checked the proper channels out there you'd find out that there's a real nice bounty on my head probably. Finn's too. If I were a spy I wouldn't have told you about Finn being my significant other."

At that Morap flinched but he leaned back, resting his hands behind him on the table. An almost seductive pose. A few years ago, Poe would have gladly taken him up on the offer that inviting smile was giving him. Today it made his throat tighten.

"Unless you were trying to play hard to get. I did break things off after all."

"Just stop it…" Poe said, shaking his head. "And don't tell me you lived like a monk all these years."

Morap shrugged. "I didn't… but-"

"Morap…" he stood up again. "I need to talk with Finn," he added angrily, hoping beyond hope that Finn had cooled down somewhat and he started towards the door again.

"Alright!" Morap sat up straight again. "I might know something… do you really want to join them?"

Poe shook his head. No, he didn't. But he might have something to trade for them. Something that might protect him and Finn, if the Order lost this war. "I don't know," he said instead. He couldn't help but feel disgusted at the smug smile on Morap's face. Somehow he had felt better about Morap these last few months. Imagining Morap fighting the injustice the Order had inflicted not only on them, but on so many others in the galaxy, had almost made him admire Morap for his determination and idealism. At this precise moment, when he knew that Morap was only thinking of himself, Poe realized that he was doing just the same. He felt like he had lost the ability to breathe.

"Do you know someone?"

Morap shrugged. "Maybe. If I do, will you let me know if you need my help?"

Poe nodded. "Fine."

Finn hadn't locked the ship, which was more than Poe would have expected. He climbed the ladder leading up to the second deck and wasn't surprised to see Finn sitting in the cockpit. The bedroom would have been the last place he himself would have gone in Finn's stead.

"Do you want to talk to me now?" he asked softly, standing in the doorway. Finn was sitting in the pilot's seat, feet up on one of the now dead consoles.

A low grunt from Finn was all the encouragement Poe needed to sit down in the navigator's chair. "You saw me coming?"

Finn nodded in response, eyes still focused on the viewscreen overlooking the now empty hangar. He had his arms crossed over his chest and was staring into nothingness, head leaned back and lips pressed together into a thin line.

"Finn, I am sorry, I was completely taken aback. I had no idea he was going to be here."

"Do you want to stay here with him? I'm no pilot like you, but I guess I could fly this ship alone."

Poe's mouth fell open and it took him a whole minute to find the strength to respond. "What?" he croaked, stretching out his hand to touch Finn's forearm. Finn didn't pull back from the touch, but his utter lack of movement made Poe want to flinch away. "Finn…" he muttered, getting up, moving closer and crouching down next to Finn's chair, both hands clutched tightly around Finn's. "Why would I want to stay with him? Why? Why in the name of all that is good would I want to be with someone who betrayed me and left me? Finn, look at me!" Poe bit on his lip, trying very hard to keep from babbling.

Finn reached up and brushed his free hand over his eyes, wiping away the tears before they could burst forth. The sight made Poe's chest contract painfully.

"Didn't you hear me when I told you I loved you?" Poe whispered. "Why would that have changed?"

"You were with him for ten years, weren't you?" Finn replied finally and Poe caught his other hand in his, holding both Finn's hands and clutching at them as if to a life raft.

"So?"

"So he kissed you."

"And you didn't like it."

"Did you?"

Poe smiled weakly. "Not even a bit," he whispered, placing a kiss on each of Finn's hands, keeping his eyes trained on the knuckles. "I was just surprised to see him. I had no idea he'd be here and he always had a way of overwhelming me with things like that. But not like you. You overwhelm me in a totally different way. I- I don't know how to begin to tell you how very different the two of you are. How much you mean to me. How much I need you. I never needed him, but I need you and I'm rambling again and I'm sorry, but I just don't want you to leave me here, just because some jerk tried to get between us." Shaking his head, he pressed his forehead to Finn's hands, feeling tears stinging in his eyes now. If Finn decided to leave him now, then he had no idea how to keep going and that was probably the very significant and most important difference between these two relationships. He hadn't needed Morap, but he did need Finn. He needed Finn more than water or air. He needed Finn to be whole. "Please tell me I haven't screwed it all up."

"I just thought you wanted him instead. Seeing as you've known him longer."

Poe looked up again, but before he could reply, Finn had grabbed his face and pulled him up, sealing his lips with a kiss that almost managed to untangle the knot in the pit of his stomach.

"You haven't screwed up," Finn said as he pulled away. "It's his nose I want to break."

Poe shook his head again, almost grinning. "Yeah, same…" he cleared his throat. "Still. I'm sorry. And thank you for listening."

Finn's thumb brushed over his cheek. "Don't you want to sit somewhere comfortable? Your knees must be killing you."

"I'm not that old, you know?"

"So you keep saying. Come on, sit with me and tell me what you talked about. I hate his guts, but I need to know so I don't start freaking out once you leave the room."

With a sigh, Poe came to his feet, wrapped his arms around Finn's neck and sat on his lap. Being held like this was comforting, but it didn't quite help him ignore the panic still resounding in the marrow of his bones. "He wanted to know why we left… I didn't tell him. None of his business I guess."

Finn nodded, then pushed his hand through Poe's hair. No real smile had crept across Finn's lips so far, but he appeared to be calmer but no less angry. "No, it isn't." Hand on Poe's neck, he pulled him closer, gently pressing his lips on Poe's. "I got the nav computer working again," he mumbled. "So I guess we're leaving as soon as we drop out of hyperspace again? We have some smelly stuff in the hold after all."

Poe shrugged. "Fine by me. But, alright, don't bite my head off, but despite everything I'd like to stay in contact with him." Before Finn could protest, Poe put his finger on his lips, silencing him. "Not because I want to be near him, or be his friend, but because he mentioned that he has ties to the Resistance and personally I can't get what they did to the Hosnian system out of my head. I know I didn't fire that weapon, but I helped build up its defence. I am partially responsible. I helped improve the TIEs. The Order's strength is on me too and I hate it. After all they did to us… I want to do something. I still have the plans of their new Star Destroyers on my datapad."

Finn closed his eyes, nodded and kissed Poe's fingertip. "I get it," Finn said. "Believe me, I do. And I suppose I have something too." He sighed and as he looked up at Poe again there was something in his eyes which made Poe sit up straight. "I didn't tell you at the time, because you were sick and afterwards there was no time. First the thing with Hux, then your mother and after our escape it didn't seem to matter."

"What are you talking about."

Finn smiled weakly and cocked his head. "When you were in that hut with San Tekka and sent Slip to run to the shuttle, Slip bumped into me before running off. He dropped the memory device and I- I picked it up."

Poe stared at him with his eyes wide open, unable to respond. Finn had taken the device… the map to Skywalker! Finn had it! Or had he left it on Starkiller? "What are you saying?"

"I didn't give it to Hux after that talk, don't worry." Finn bit his lip. "I didn't really feel like helping the Order after they practically set us up to fail. It's still inside that AT-AT walker on Jakku."