November 2013

Ever since that talk with Casey, Gabby had been in a haze. She couldn't tell if it was because of the encounter or if it was the reverse culture shock taking its toll on her. What she did know is that every day passed in a blur, barely remembering what happened. Only, she wished this forgetfulness would include Casey and Iraq since those were the only things she could seem to remember every detail about.

"I'm Gabby Dawson," she said to the people in the room. "And I have PTSD." They all said 'hi, Gabby' as this continued around the room. It hadn't been her idea for a support group, but rather Chief Boden's. He seemed to know when things were happening with those in the firehouse and knew how to help to an extent. Plus, he really didn't give her an option to go or not. Get help or take time off was his ultimatum.

Since this wasn't her first meeting, rather her fourth, she'd decided to finally share the struggles she went through. The group consisted of several other veterans, an abuse survivor, and a survivor of a terrorist attack, the leader of the group being a survivor of Katrina.

"I thought moving to Chicago, being near family, would be a good decision when I came back. And I thought it would be perfect," she bit her lip slightly with a chuckle. "Until I found out I was going to work with my old commanding officer, a person who I'd become friends with. A person who I thought was dead after the IED." She glanced around, taking a deep breath. "He remembered who I was, but he's harboring so much anger towards me and I don't understand why. It's like he wished I'd let him die, and ever since that confrontation… The flashbacks have gotten worse, I can't sleep." She leaned on her elbows on her knees, cradling her head in her hands.

"When it comes to seeing those from the trauma, it's difficult for most people," Amy - the group leader - said as others nodded. "He's probably feeling similar feelings, confusion and that anger that can build up with PTSD. When it comes to flashbacks, depression, and the insomnia you have to keep yourself healthy. Take melatonin to sleep, be around friends and family to help with the rest." Gabby nodded, leaning back in her chair. She took it at face value, thoughts racing as the meeting continued around her.

When it was all done, she left and headed home. It wasn't that far of a walk, but it was cold. The air bit at her skin through the jacket she'd worn. Stay healthy, take Melatonin, try her best to be happy. She knew it wouldn't be easy, but it wouldn't be the hardest thing she'd ever done.

As she walked up to her apartment, she couldn't stop thinking about Casey and about what Amy had to say. They were two sides to the same coin, more or less. Gabby was the one who'd internalized everything, leading to this slippery slope of depression and self-destruction, Casey had pushed those around him away with the outward displays of his anger.

"Hey, figured you could use some company," she heard Shay say from beside her door. With a chuckle, she let the woman in and followed behind. She tossed her jacket on a chair and walked to the kitchen.

"Want a beer?" Gabby asked. She heard an agreement from the living room, so she grabbed a couple, handing one to Shay when she went back. They both fell back onto the couch, slouching while taking sips from the bottles of sweet, sweet relief.

"Kelly took Matt out for drinks," Shay told her. "He and Hallie finally broke up." Gabby nodded, not really caring. She knew it was Hallie who'd kept the letters from him, kept the calls from him. Was she protecting Matt from his past? Was it jealousy? She didn't know, didn't want to find out the reasoning behind it. She just knew she wanted to blame someone, someone who wasn't Matt.

The next morning, Gabby woke up on the couch, curled up to Shay not really remembering much after that conversation. She was actually glad she could forget, and maybe she could forget everything else too.

"Hey, Shay," Gabby said, nudging the other woman in the ribs with her elbow enough to wake her up. "We gotta get to work." The other woman grumbled, but got up and grabbed her jacket.

"You drivin'?" she asked, and Gabby chuckled. She grabbed a hoodie and led Shay outside, starting the short walk to work despite it being freezing and snowing outside. Shay muttered under her breath, but kept walking with Gabby.

When they walked into the apparatus floor, Shay turned to Gabby. "I'm ninety percent sure I'm a popsicle. Invest in a car," she said with a smile. Gabby chuckled, both of them making their way to the locker room.

Over the past few hours, Gabby had laughed more than she had in awhile - even if she didn't remember most of it due to intoxication. Her body recognized the happiness and it lit her up, made her just a little more optimistic about her situation. She didn't feel like she was in a fog, instead, she felt like laughing with Shay was something they'd done their entire lives together, as if they'd always been around each other. In a way, Shay was a saving grace for Gabby.

Both women had changed into their uniforms and were walking back into the common room when somebody caught their attention. "Gabby, can I talk to you?" she heard Casey ask from behind them. She let out a sigh and turned around, nodding towards Shay that she was going to be okay. The other woman kept walking as Gabby walked towards Matt.

"If you want to be harsh again, I don't want to hear it," she told him, voice soft as she took deep breaths to keep herself grounded. "Anything negative, I don't want to hear." Casey nodded. "Hell, why should I even listen to what you have to say?" She took a deep breath, holding back the anger and waiting for Casey to talk.

"I wanted to apologize," he told her. "I never got any letters or calls, and I found out why." She waited, knowing she already knew the answer. "She didn't want me to remember Iraq. I was having a hard time remembering my own name most days at the beginning, so she didn't give me the letters. And when I was remembering, she kept them from me. She thought she was protecting me, and I blamed you for that. I didn't know, so I'm sorry for the way I treated you." She nodded, a small smile on her face. As she turned and walked away, she hoped Matt would understand.