Disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles or any of the characters.
TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm & mentions of abuse. This story is pretty dark. So be warned! Also very Out of Character Maura.
A/N: Thank you again to those of you who have reviewed/followed etc. They encourage me to continue. Hope you enjoy the next chapter. Just so you all know, there will be a happy Rizzles ending and all loose ends will be tied up but there is still a lot for our ladies to work through before we get there. But get there we will! This is another relatively heavy chapter but we have a lighter chapter coming next. The beginning moments of Maura's recovery. :)
Maura knew she was running late. They should have left the house at least five minutes ago and yet here she was, still deliberating as to which pair of heels would best suit her dress. The blue Alexander McQueen dress with the plunging neckline that she was wearing specifically for Brian, knowing it was his favourite. She was filled with nerves at the prospect of meeting Brian's parents.
"Maura, where are my dress shoes?" She heard Brian bellow from downstairs. Determined not to be so uncivilized as to yell in response, she sighed and slipped on the pair of heels she had originally selected before making her way down the stairs.
"You wore them last night honey, where did you put them?" Maura asked; her voice neutral despite her inward annoyance at his uncleanliness.
"If I knew that I wouldn't be asking you would I!" He responded before pushing past the blonde and running up the stairs.
Maura quickly scanned the room and spotted the offending shoes haphazardly tossed on the floor in the living room, next to numerous empty beer bottles. Before she could collect the shoes Brian was once again in front of her, anger evident on his sharp features.
"Why aren't you helping Maura?" He asked as he put his hands on her should and lightly shook her. "We needed to leave ten minutes ago. We are going to be extremely late now. There is nothing my father hates more than tardiness."
Maura attempted to intercede, to tell him that she had in fact located the shoes he was requiring. However, the moment she opened her mouth his yelling intensified.
"Don't say a word Maura, I don't want to hear it. Just. Fucking. Find. Them." He shrieked, expressing each word with a stab of his finger to her chest.
"They are over there in the living room Brian, next to your numerous discarded beer bottles." Maura replied, gently using her fingers to smooth over the spot on her chest that Brian had repeatedly poked. She was sure it would result in a contusion by morning.
Brian glared at her before stomping over to his shoes. He kicked the beer bottles for good measure before sitting on the couch and unceremoniously yanking his shoes on. "You don't have to be such a freakin' bitch Maura." He chided as he stood from the couch.
"I apologise if you believe that I was being purposefully discourteous Brian. I was simply stating facts based upon my observations. If…."
"SHUT UP!" He bellowed, his body shaking with rage as he swiftly collected one of the empty bottles that was conveniently at his feet and hurling it in Maura's direction.
The doctor quickly ducked to the floor, her hands covering her head as the bottle connected with the wall and glass shattered around her.
Brian took in the blonde's frightened demeanour and immediately calmed. "God, I'm so sorry Maura." He apologized sheepishly as he slowly made his way over to her. "I'm so so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I am just so nervous about introducing you to my parents. I'm so sorry." He kept repeating his apology like a mantra as he reached the scene and bent down until he was at Maura's level. He gently placed his hand on her chin and pulled her head up until she was at eye level with him. He noticed that she refused to meet his eyes. Regardless, he could see the fear her eyes contained. "I'm sorry. I just got so angry. I shouldn't have thrown that at you. I promise it won't happen again. Please forgive me? Please Maura?" He begged as she met his eyes at last.
She was still shaking but she could sense what appeared to be genuine remorse. "I forgive you Brian." She replied softly, afraid that adding any volume might anger him once more. She carefully rose to her feet, wary to avoid any of the shattered glass. "I'll get something to clean this up."
"No, please let me clean it." Brian gently replied before leaving to retrieve the required items.
"I didn't think anything of it at the time Jane. I instantly forgave him. Now I understand that this was the first of many signs that I misinterpreted." Maura shook her head in disbelief. "I'm an educated woman. I like to think of myself as a somewhat strong and independent woman. How could I have been so asinine as to miss these initial signs Jane?"
"You are not stupid Maura Isles." Jane responded firmly. "You are the smartest and strongest person I know. I already believed that before I knew about your past. Now I am even more convinced, if that is even possible. Every couple fights and unfortunately sometimes that may escalate further than it should. God knows I've attended enough domestic disputes in my day to understand that. That doesn't mean that the relationship should automatically be over because you had a fight. Some people fight intensely once and then never again. Some people fight regularly without it escalating to violence. You weren't to know Maura. You couldn't have known that he would get worse. You simply couldn't have known for sure Maur. So no, I refuse to let you to call my best friend stupid. I won't allow it!" Jane lightly teased, hoping it may help to calm the doctor.
"Thank you Jane." Maura replied reverently as she placed her head on her friend's shoulder.
"GIRLS WHERE ARE YOU?" Jane groaned as she heard her mother's voice thunder through the house.
"WE'RE COMING MA!" Jane responded and immediately rebuked herself for yelling as she felt Maura jump in surprise. "Sorry Maur, I didn't mean to scare you." She whispered. "I don't know what on earth she is even doing here!"
"That's ok Jane, I'm just on edge. And I believe your mother is here because it is now 5pm on Friday." The M.E. softly responded.
"Well thanks for the timeline Maur." Jane deadpanned.
"Rizzoli family dinner will commence in precisely an hour and a half Jane. You know your mother always like to start the preparations as early as possible."
"Shit. I forgot." Jane responded, tiredly rubbing her eyes with the palms of her hands.
"Language, Jane." Maura gently admonished. "You're exhausted. Why don't you have a rest up here for an hour or so? I'll go down and assist your mother with preparing dinner. I'll come and collect you once your brothers arrive. What do you say?" Maura sweetly offered as she lovingly pushed some errant curls form the brunette's face.
"No that's ok Maur. I don't want to be away from you after today. I..I mean I don't want to leave you alone with my mother after the day you have had." Jane mentally face palmed. She really needed to sort herself out before her feelings for the beautiful M.E. affected their friendship. She understood that Maura needed her best friend at this point and she was determined to be whatever she needed her to be.
Both women made their way down the stairs towards the kitchen. "Shi…Sugar Maura! What on earth?" Jane yelped as Maura abruptly came to a stop in the middle of the staircase, causing Jane to run into her and almost causing them both to tumble down to remaining stairs. Only Jane's quick reflexes, her left arm grabbing the railing as the other encircled the M.E's waist, prevented the fall.
"What if Frankie told your mother about what happened today at the station Jane? I am not ready to discuss it with anyone other than you Jane." Maura frightfully whispered.
Jane gently pulled the blonde closer and lightly kissed her forehead in an effort to placate her evident fear. "I'm sure Frankie hasn't mentioned it Maur. He loves you like a sister. He told me at the station he was worried about you but that he knew I would help you and so he agreed to let it be. If it makes you feel any better I will have a quiet word with him alone and make sure he doesn't mention anything, ok?"
Maura took a deep breath and inhaled Jane's unique scent. "Thank you Jane." She whispered, calmed once more by her best friend. "Let's get downstairs."
Jane made to follow Maura but just as she was reaching the last stair she noticed the doctor's arm. Her bandage covered arm. She knew that would raise questions from both her mother and Frankie that neither woman was prepared to answer. "Maur, let's go back upstairs for a minute." She quietly said as she gently gripped Maura's uninjured arm.
"Jane, what are we doing? We need to assist you mother." Maura questioned as she followed the brunette.
"Your bandage Maur." Jane started, pointing to the injured wrist before turning and entering Maura's walk in closet. "We need to cover that otherwise there will be some tough questions from all parties that you do not want to answer." Jane selected a light jacket that she believed matched the doctor's outfit and taking it off the hanger, handed it to Maura. "Here, put this on."
"Oh." Maura responded, crestfallen. The self-hate seeped in once more as she glanced at her wrist. She felt like such a burden. Jane was such an incredibly caring and beautiful woman. She did not deserve to have such a nut job for a best friend. The greyness suddenly enveloped her once again. There was a heaviness that set on her shoulders, too much for her to bear. Maura listlessly put the jacket on before turning to leave the room, hoping to avoid the Italian seeing the tears forming in her eyes.
Jane however, knew the doctor intimately and quickly recognised that she was upset. She felt sad. There was no other way to describe seeing her friend in such pain. She just felt so sad. She wanted to fix it but honestly, she had no idea where to start. She just knew that she wanted to wrap the doctor in her arms and tell her it would all be okay. So she did. She approached the doctor and stepped in front of her. Seeing the tears welling in her friend's eyes only spurred Jane on. She stretched out her arms and enfolded them around the blonde. "I can see you hurting Maur and it's killing me. I know this is bigger than me. I want to help to, to be able to fix you. I will do everything I can sweetie. I'll be here for you for whatever you need. I love you. I love you so much. You are such a wonderful person but I know you can't see it."
Maura allowed herself to melt into the brunette's arms. She closed her eyes and allowed all the noise in her head to dissipate. As had always been the case, she felt safe and comfortable in Jane's arms. And yet… The greyness still remained. Although it had lifted ever so slightly, the heaviness still lingered. The want to hurt remained. Her body shook with sobs. She knew in that instant that there was no way out of this. This incessant grey cloud that hung over her head at all times, pouring rain onto her soul at the most arbitrary of instances. She felt so hopeless; so utterly lost. The feeling scared her.
Jane held her as she cried, angry at herself that she may have somehow further upset the blonde. "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't mean to upset you." She too felt so very desperate. Desperate to show this broken yet absolutely beautiful woman that she was loved.
"It's not your fault Jane." Maura sniffled as she gently wiped her eyes, hoping to not smudge her make up too much. She padded over to the bathroom to see the damage. Not too bad, she mused as she considered herself in the mirror. She grabbed the concealer and gently applied it to her face. "I just feel so overwhelmed with sadness and.. and… darkness sometimes."
"I'm so sorry Maur. I will help you through this all. But sweetie, do you think maybe you would benefit from talking to someone about all this?" Jane asked gently, not wanting to freak Maura out or make her think Jane thought any less of her.
Maura turned to Jane abruptly. "I don't need therapy Jane. I just need to get over it already. It's been years and I am still dwelling on it."
"I know I am the last person to discuss the benefits of therapy, seeing as I always refuse it, but Maur maybe talking about it will help. I just want to help you feel better."
"Thank you for caring Jane. I will take it into consideration ok?" Maura offered, knowing deep down that she was saying it purely to pacify Jane. There was no way she would discuss these horrible moments with a stranger.
"Ok sweetie. Whatever you decide, I am by your side. Always."
"GIRLS?! ARE YOU EVEN STILL ALIVE?" Angela squawked from the kitchen.
"COMIN' MA!" Jane responded as she gave Maura one more reassuring smile and headed for the kitchen.
Maura allowed herself an extra moment to collect herself before following Jane. She was determined to enjoy this dinner. She looked forward to it every week and she was not going to allow this grey cloud to interrupt her happiness tonight. These were all people that she was familiar with and loved. She could do this. With determination, she made her way down the stairs to join Jane and Angela in the kitchen.
To be continued…