This chapter was written to a song called Invisible by Disciple. I think suits the following the chapter :)

Anyway, enjoy!

Chapter 13

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I sat on Donnie's bed, with my head in my hands. I wanted to cry, but tears just wouldn't come.

Everything was gone. Everything I'd worked for, everything I'd fought to protect...

It had all shattered. And now, I felt more lost than ever before.

I'd sought refuge in Donnie's room as soon as we had come back, shutting the door and hoping no one would follow. I was glad they hadn't.

I didn't want to hear "It's not your fault" or "You couldn't have stopped this" or anything else like that. I didn't want their pity, or their kind words. I didn't want to see their eyes full of sorrow...

From what I could pick up, my family had been saved and then taken up to the free Hork-Bajir colony. They needed to be held for three days, to make sure they weren't Yeerked. And I knew Toby would help take care of that.

I wanted to be with them, but part of me wondered... how could I face them after all this? After all I'd done?

I'd made so many mistakes, let people in when I shouldn't have. Let Serah get taken...

I felt like screaming, doing my best to hold it in and knowing it was no good now. I'd made the mistakes, now I had to pay the price.

Who else would be in danger? Who else would have to loose it all because of me?

Donnie, Leo...

I knew, they were now just waiting for it. Ithiell and Donnie were trying to plan strategies, other ways to protect and fortify this place. I could hear them talking outside the door, as well as all the others.

I was almost tempted to call Jake. At least I knew he would tell me the truth. Tell me how bad I'd messed up, how stupid I was to have made such a rash decision about Serah, without telling himself or Ithiell first...

But then again, I didn't think I could stand his jealousy at the moment. He had never made it a secret that he didn't like Donnie, mostly for the reason he believed Donnie took me away from him...

If we ever had a one on one conversation, it would always come up somewhere. Even if it was just a small comment.

I wanted the truth, just... not that truth.

I honestly didn't know what to do or where to go from this point. It felt like every move I'd made was the wrong one, and if I tried to do anything to fix it, it would just put more people in danger, or cause them trouble.

I sighed heavily, rubbing my face and looking around. I wondered if Serah had been Yeerked yet, and how long it would take until they knew the turtles secret. Or even if they connected them with me, and exposed the others.

I felt a lump form in my throat, putting my head back in my hands. I was exhausted. Mentally, physically... emotionally...

I was in some kind of hellish limbo that I couldn't get out of. I didn't want to move, didn't want to do anything or say anything to anyone. I wasn't even sure what I could say to anyone. I think they knew how badly I had fucked up.

It felt like hours I sat there, afraid to move, listening to the others talk about things, hearing my name once or twice, and as soon as they mentioned me, the voices would become whispers, so I couldn't hear what they were saying about me.

I didn't care anymore. I just couldn't.

I also couldn't bring myself to face the consequences, even though I knew I'd need to soon.

Part of me wanted comfort, to talk to Rachel, or to have Donnie just wrap me in his big arms and make me feel better, but another part of me demanded why I thought I deserved it, and was adamant I stay where I was.

My brain was going in guilty circles and I couldn't stop it.

I had caused this. And there was nothing I could do to fix this.

I felt tears slide down my cheeks, and I was too tired to even wipe them away, suddenly hearing the door handle turn. I looked up in time to see Donnie slip in, a couple of little things in his hands that I couldn't quite make out. He tried to smile a little at me as he shut the door behind him, setting the small objects on the table near him.

"Hey" He finally said, coming over to sit beside me. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I felt so much pain, so much sorrow...so much guilt...

"Jade" He seemed to want to say something, deciding against it and just resting a hand on my back. The comfort seemed to make more tears flow, my lip trembling. I couldn't say anything, didn't want to move...

"It's not your fault" He finally sighed, looking to the floor.

"Donnie" I let out a sob, with that he pulled me into his arms. I was too worn to protest, beginning to sob into his chest, hands on his arms.

"I fucked up so bad" I cried, unable to hold it all in. His comfort was breaking the last I had in me.

"No, you didn't"

I managed to compose myself enough to put my hands on his chest, looking up at him. He looked so concerned...it was so sweet...

"I...I didn't see Kristiana was one of them until it was too late. I put Serah in danger... then I left her there..." I fought to keep myself upright, unable to stop the tears. He shook his head, going to say something, but I put a finger to his lips.

"I did this. And now my family is in danger, and you and your brothers... "

"Jade" He shook his head again, and I forced myself to pull away from him, getting up and walking around the room. I tried to wipe some of the tears away with my sleeve, looking at him.

"I don't deserve your comfort. I did all this... it's... I don't deserve you" Tears blurred my eyes again.

"You couldn't have known..."

"I could have! I should have watched my back better, should have seen Serah follow me that night..."

"Jade"

"I shouldn't have let her in, I shouldn't have been so weak-"

"Now that's enough" He was suddenly in front of me, his hands on my arms, gentle but firm. I tried to look up at him, only seeing a blur.

"You can't go blaming yourself for all this! It won't help you and it won't help anyone else!"

He once again pulled me towards him, holding me close and not letting go when I tried to push away.

"Donnie-"

"We will get through this. Just... stop doing this to yourself!"

His words were forceful, and the last of my resolve just snapped.

I grabbed Donnie, pulling him to me and just sobbing. I couldn't find the words... and I couldn't reject the comfort anymore.

I wanted to believe it was okay...I wanted him here... and I wanted to feel like I wasn't about to crack at every turn.

I don't know how long we stood like that, with me loudly sobbing, but at some point my legs collapsed under me. He caught me, grabbing me under the legs and back, putting me on the bed and laying beside me as I continued to let go of all the pain, and the guilt...

Slowly, I started to come back to myself, the crying become softer, feeling him move my now matted hair away from my face. I looked up him, the sadness in his eyes waking me up a little.

"I'm so sorry"

"Nothing to be sorry for"

I sat up, feeling his arms slip away a little. I tried to lean my head on my knees, finding the pain shoot up my side again, sighing. I had tried to ignore it as much as possible.

"Still hurts?" He asked, sitting up beside me, and I nodded slightly.

"Jade?" A hand was on my cheek, making me look up into his eyes. Those sweet, caring eyes...

"At least let me take care of it for you, please"

I sighed, nodding "Okay"

He went to grab the little boxes, pulling out what looked like a salve Rtaia had made, as well as small grey paper squares.

"Now, I don't know what these do-" He indicated to the squares, but thankfully I knew.

"Chanaiben technology. They dissolve into the skin, and work on repairing some of the damaged to broken or fractures bones or cartilage. Doesn't fix it completely, but it helps"

"Oh" He seemed surprised, coming back to me and sitting beside me. He looked at me, almost asking my permission.

"You just want to see more skin" I tried to smile, pulling off my shirt and setting it down beside me.

I felt him place one of the squares on my side, jerking a little as it started to dissolve into my skin. Once again, there was a look of awe on his face as he watched it, then placing one on my shoulder where it had been dislocated. I could feel them both hitting the right areas under my skin, grimacing a little before the pain eased.

"Are you okay?" He asked, looking into my eyes. I nodded to him, then he moved to grab the container the salve was in. He opened it, and a sickly sweet smell invaded my nose.

"Smells different" I muttered, seeing him grab a small glob, moving to my side and lathering it on, and I winced a little.

"Did I hurt you?" He asked, and I shook my head. I shivered a little at the icy coldness of the salve as it started to sink into my skin.

"I think... my hip might need some too. It hurts..."I muttered. He seemed a little worried as I undid the top button of my jeans, allowing me to pull them and my underwear down a little, revealing a dark bruise right on the hip bone.

"O-o-okay" He gulped a little, grabbing more salve and starting to rub it into my hip bone. He was being so gentle, so sweet... so caring...

I felt his hand slip a little, and I gasped, seeing him jerk back like I'd just slapped him.

"I...I..." His voice became high pitched, and his eyes looked almost afraid.

Without saying a word, I grabbed his face in my hands, pulling him towards me and kissing him roughly. He tensed, slowly returning the kiss, his arms going around me as I pulled him closer, pushing my chest against him.

His hands were trailing up and down my back again, sending shivers through me.

I pulled off his binoculars, moving to kiss his forehead. I felt him take the opportunity to gently nip at my neck, making me sigh.

"I love you" I managed to pull back, looking into his eyes, which seemed almost glazed over.

"I love you too" He responded huskily, then continued to kiss my neck and down to my shoulders. He kissed just above the bra, and I let out a small giggle.

I helped him discard his gear onto the floor beside us, leaving only his bandanna and glasses.

"Much better" I smiled at him, running my hands up and over his shoulders, down his arms...

He moved me, so I was now laying on the bed, suddenly giving me a raspberry on my stomach and making me yelp a little.

I caught his eye as he smiled at me, moving up hover just over me, then caught my lips in another sweet kiss.

I moved my hands to his sides, my fingers trailing over where there was bare skin, making him jerk a little, breaking the kiss and looking down at me.

"Ticklish" He explained, so I did it again, making him squirm a little.

"Hey" He protested, shifting his glasses up again. All I could do was smile.

Suddenly time seemed to stop between us, and our eyes locked.

"Jade..." He had a look of both awe and worry, and I think both of us realised that kind of position we were in.

"It's okay" I assured him, taking his head in my hands again and pulling him down towards me.

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My eyes opened to a now darkened room. Arms were holding me securely, and I finally became aware of my lack of clothes. I felt Donnie's head nuzzled into the nape of my neck, unable to keep a small smile from my face.

We discovered that our... bodies... were compatible. And what happened after that was the most joy I think I'd ever felt in my life. My mind relived the smell, the feel, the connection...

I felt Donnie move a little, grunting a little unhappily, like he was having a bad dream, then a soft sigh.

Donnie...

Boy, was that turtle talented.

I managed to turn in his arms, feeling closer than I'd ever felt to him. I watched him sleep for a little while, finally managing to dislodge myself from him, going to find my clothes.

Events of yesterday played through my head as I got dressed, the guilt slowly returning as I looked over at Donnie. He was so sweet... so innocent...

Well, not so innocent after last night.

That thought made me smile a little, knowing it had been well worth the wait.

Thoughts of Serah suddenly flashed through my head, shattering the good thoughts. I frowned, going to sit at his desk and half watching as he rolled onto his back, letting out a heavy sigh.

What was I going to do? I couldn't sit here and do nothing, but when I tried to do something, it ended up disastrous.

I had put everyone else in danger, trying to save Serah...

I looked over at Donnie again, feeling a horrible pang in my heart. He had almost been hit by that Dracon beam...

I rested my elbows on the table, head on my hands, still smelling Donnie's scent on me.

I loved him so much... but after everything that happened...

I couldn't put him in any more danger. Him or the others. The brothers...Splinter...Ithiell...

No, no more. And I wasn't going to leave Serah in that horrible place. The back of her own mind, screaming...

With that, I made a decision.

As quietly as I could manage, I moved around and shuffled through Donnie's drawers, until I finally found what I was looking for.

The dagger. My dagger.

The one that had been thrust in my leg and then left there for days. I could still make out some of the dried blood on the blade.

Why Donnie' had kept this still I didn't know. But in a way I was glad he had. He'd slipped up one day while I was in here, leaving a drawer open, and I'd just happened to see the familiar handle.

I didn't have the heart to ask him, and the matter was forgotten.

I found another cloth laying around, wrapping it up as tightly as possible and shoving it in the waistband of my jeans.

I heard another noise from Donnie, spinning around and breathing a sigh of relief to see he was still sound asleep. He'd grabbed the pillow I'd been resting my head on, holding it close to him. I couldn't help but smile, tears springing to my eyes again.

My sweet, sweet turtle...

I moved to the desk, finding a piece of paper, and a very chewed up pen, writing a few words. It was all I could think of.

I'm sorry. I love you. Goodbye.

I didn't want to hurt him, but I knew what I planned to do was possibly suicidal.

It's why my dagger was so important. If I couldn't use it to protect myself, I'd use it...

I'd use it to end my life, so the Yeerks could never find out anything else.

I sucked in a deep breath, folding the paper up and gently slipping it on the pillow he was holding, half moving it between his fingers and the fabric.

Instinctively, I leaned up and kissed his forehead, seeing his face scrunch up a little, before relaxing back into what I hoped was a nice dream.

With that, I turned, heading out the door and towards the surface.

I couldn't let anyone else be hurt because of me.

I was going to get Serah back, and I was going to do it on my own. No matter what it took.

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