Disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles or any of the characters.
TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm & mentions of abuse. This story is pretty dark. So be warned! Also Out of Character Maura.
A/N: As promised, a bit of a lighter chapter this time. It's time for Rizzoli family dinner! Hope you enjoy! Please let me know if you have any suggestions. I also just wanted to let you all know that I am going away for a while over the Christmas/New Year's break so this story won't be updated now until next year (can you believe 2015 is almost over?!). I hope all you lovely readers have a marvellous Christmas and New Year!
"There's my other daughter!" Angela exclaimed as she wiped her hand on her apron and kissed Maura on the cheek.
Maura was determined not to allow herself to cry. She loved Jane and her family and Angela always made her feel like a central part of it. She always felt emotional to be included in such a wonderful family dynamic. She still felt as if she was covered in darkness but she resolved to permit herself to enjoy the evening as much as possible.
"Hi Angela." She replied softly, almost reverently. "May I assist you with the dinner preparations?"
"Could you chop some onions for me sweetie?" Angela requested with a sweet smile as she returned to the stove to perfect her sauce.
Maura gave a silent nod as she headed towards the chopping board. Lost in thought, she deliberated for a moment too long as to which knife was best for the job. She was brought out of her reverie by Jane's hand on her own.
"This is a task I can actually do. Can I take over Maur?" Jane asked, her tone exhibiting gentle concern.
Maura looked up at Jane and was a little perturbed by the look of apprehension on her friends face. She burrowed her brow in annoyance as she shrugged Jane's hand off her own and selected the appropriate knife. She would be lying to herself if she said she wasn't a little frustrated that Jane seemed to think she suddenly required supervision around sharp objects.
"I'm fine thank you Jane." She replied tersely. Her demeanor softened ever so slightly as Jane lightly rubbed her shoulder and gave her a tender kiss on the cheek. She promptly realised that her friend was confused and likely scared. She realised that just as Jane was showing her as much understanding as possible given the circumstances, she herself needed to appreciate how confusing this must be for Jane. How Jane must be unsure of how to correctly handle situations that were once second nature. "Why don't you set the table?" She softly suggested as she gave Jane's hand on her shoulder a loving tap.
Jane, who was mentally kicking herself for upsetting her friend, sighed in relief and commenced her appointed task. She unwittingly glanced over at Maura at every given opportunity. Not because she was watching her in concern, well partly due to that, but mostly because even after the day they had had, Maura somehow looked as radiant as ever and Jane's eyes were uncontrollably drawn to the beautiful blonde. Their eyes met as Jane was placing the last plate on the table and the loving smile that Jane gave Maura made the blonde temporarily stop her chopping. The detective's eyes held such unadulterated love that shocked Maura so much that she had to stop her task in order to prevent her from absentmindedly chopping her finger. The honey blonde simply refused to look away while Jane was looking at her in that manner. Maura was pleased that, seemingly for the first time that day, Jane's gaze held no outright concern. Her eyes only held acceptance, adoration and love. Maura was sure of it. She couldn't allow herself to believe that love found therein was anything beyond platonic, for fear of complete dejection and disappointment. But somehow in that moment, it was enough. Maura felt euphoric at the love she felt surround her. In that moment in time, the complete unassuming love in the room swallowed her suffering. It completely erased her pain, even if only temporarily. Was this her fix? Maura wasn't entirely sure but she was able to see the first glimmer of hope on her dark journey. She saw the first ray of light that she permitted to break through the dark clouds that hung over her head. She finally saw a future for herself.
Angela took in the scene in front of her in silence. She knew that something bad had happened today. Her motherly instinct had told her as much. However, she was ecstatic to observe the love exchanged between her two girls. She wondered to herself how long it would take for these two incredibly smart women to actually understand what was right in front of them. Shaking her head with a bright smile on her face, Angela dipped her spoon into the pot in front of her, tasting the sauce before adding a pinch of salt and refocusing her attention towards the dinner preparations.
In no time at all, dinner was all but finished and Jane and Maura were sitting at the counter with a beer and a glass of wine respectively, chatting with Angela as she added the final touches to the meal. The kitchen door suddenly crashed open to reveal Tommy and Frankie playfully fighting over something or other.
Maura jumped from her seat, spilling a little of her wine on the counter as her brain screamed at her to assume foetal position on the floor. However, Jane's arms scooped her up before she had even left her chair. Placing the doctor gently back on the stool, she tenderly rubbed her friend's back as she shot an angry look at her brothers.
"Boys!" Angela yelled clutching her chest in momentary panic before passing a tea towel to her daughter. "You gave us all a heart attack!"
"Show a little decorum guys. You can't come bursting into Maura's house like that!" Jane chided as she grasped the towel offered to her by her mother and attended to cleaning up the spilt wine.
"Sorry Maura, Ma." Tommy offered sheepishly as he walked towards their mother. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing a beer from the fridge and settling himself into the living room.
Frankie, suddenly remembering the events of the morning, carefully walked towards Maura. "Sorry if we scared you Maur." He whispered as he embraced her. "I bought you some wine." He offered with a wary yet caring smile displayed on his face.
"That's ok Frankie. I'm just a little jumpy I guess." Maura offered as she grabbed the wine from the Italian. She met Frankie's concerned gaze and suddenly dread filled her body. She did not want to have any sort of conversation about why she was jumpy or the earlier events of the day. She started to roughly rub her injured wrist through her jacket and silently begged for Jane to save her.
As if reading Maura's mind, Jane swept across the room and gently placed her hand atop of Maura's to stop her frantic rubbing before she reached full panic mode. She met the doctor's gaze and silently communicated that she would handle the situation for her friend. Maura visibly relaxed and started tracing the underside of Jane's hand with her thumb. Once Jane was satisfied that Maura was not going to have an anxiety attack, she turned her attention to Frankie and grabbed him by the elbow, pulling him just out of earshot of the other occupants of the house.
"Listen Frankie, I know you are concerned about Maura but I want to tell you that I am taking care of her. She doesn't want to talk about what happened today at the precinct or how she is dealing with it, particularly not in front of Ma and Tommy so just leave it in my hands okay?" She gently requested of her brother.
"No worries Janie. As long as I know you are looking after her I don't need to know anything more." He replied kindly as he patted his sister's shoulder.
"Thanks little bro." Jane said as they both re-joined the others.
"Tommy get your feet off that table!" Angela screeched as the put on oven mitts and pulled the Lasagne from the oven. "Dinner is ready!"
Everyone wandered over to the table and without thinking Jane pulled out Maura's chair for her. By the time she had realised what she had done, four faces were watching her. Three with amusement and one with complete adulation. Blushing profusely, Jane abruptly flopped into her chair with an audible thud. "Well, who's hungry?" She quickly asked, determined to distract everyone from her spontaneous gesture. It was certainly not something she was ready to discuss or be teased about by her family.
"I'm starving." Tommy replied before grabbing the necessary utensil and serving himself a large piece of Lasagne.
"Geez, save some for the rest of us Tommy!" Frankie teased as he reached over to get his own portion of the meal.
As the Rizzoli's good-naturedly fought over who would have the largest serving, Maura took the opportunity to lean over to Jane. "Thank you for being so chivalrous Jane. It is most appreciated." She huskily whispered in the brunette's ear.
Jane audibly swallowed. "Anytime Maur." She softly responded as she once again displayed that same loving smile that she had directed at Maura earlier in the evening. "But I am stuffed from the Pizza. I can't believe I forgot about family dinner!" The brunette added, once again taking the easy way out, attempting to distract the M.E.
Maura giggled as she agreed with Jane's sentiments. "We will just have to absorb it because if your Mother finds out that we have already eaten she will be devastated." Maura whispered in response.
Jane snorted. "Devastated is an understatement. I guess we will just have to suck it up." Jane giggled at Maura's incorrect phrasing and then turned to re-join in the dinner conversation, but not before gently placing her hand on Maura's thigh. The smile her action elicited from the blonde was almost blinding.
Jane, who had now accepted that she did in fact have non-friendly feelings for her best friend, was determined to shower her doctor with as many little acts of love as possible. If for nothing else, then simply to show Maura that she was in fact worthy of so much love. And she couldn't be certain, but she fairly sure that the M.E. was thoroughly enjoying this new side of Jane. Jane made a vow to herself to continue the little acts, just so she could see that bright smile on Maura's face.
About half an hour after dessert was finished, Tommy and Frankie made to leave, citing their respective early morning's as the reason for their departure. As soon as the boys had left Angela started to clear the table. She was instantly stopped by Jane who instructed her to sit down before she herself commenced the cleaning. When Maura stood to assist, Jane attempted in vain to get her to sit back down alongside her mother.
"I'll rinse and you stack." Maura stated simply as she gathered the remaining plates and took them to the kitchen.
Angela once again silently watched the picture of domesticity in front of her. She watched, enraptured, as Maura would rinse a dish before handing it over to Jane who would place it into the dishwasher. With almost every dish passed, the girls' hands would touch and both would pause momentarily to smile at each other. No words were exchanged. None were needed. These two women understood each other without the need for verbal conversation. It was a beautiful sight. It absolutely warmed Angela's heart. She had always wanted a doctor in the family and she was beginning to see how close to reality her wish now was. Suddenly, the normally nosy woman felt as if she was invading on a very private moment. Uncharacteristically, she quietly excused herself with a kiss to each woman's cheek. She had a sneaking suspicion that Jane would spend the night as she often did.
Jane did in fact decide to spend the night at Maura's house at the doctor's request. After Jane had showered and prepared herself for bed, she got herself comfortable in the guest bedroom. She knew that Maura inevitably took longer to prepare for bed than she did. She also knew that the blonde would join her in the guest bedroom for a chat before heading back to her own bed to sleep. Jane took the time she had to herself to really consider the day that was. She was utterly exhausted and had she not been eagerly anticipating seeing Maura once more before the day was through, she would probably already be in a deep slumber. Instead, the silence allowed her a brief moment to think. If she was being honest with herself she was absolutely scared shitless. She never expected to interrupt the event that she had earlier in the day. She never would have known that her best friend would hurt herself had she not witnessed it with her own eyes. She suddenly had so many troubling questions. Had Maura done this before? Had she hurt herself in the time that Jane had known her? If so, how could she have not seen it? How could she have not known that her best friend was experiencing such pain? That question pained her the most. The thought that she had somehow missed her best friend's pain and that that could in turn be the reason she had turned to self-harm completely destroyed to usually stoic detective. Jane closed her eyes tightly in an effort to quell the tears that were now forming. Frustrated and angry with both herself and the situation, she smacked the back of her head against the headboard of the bed.
"Jane? Are you alright?" Maura gently inquired as she stood at the threshold of the guest bedroom.
Jane slowly opened her eyes and looked toward her best friend. Had she not been so overcome with guilt, she may have noticed the teasing nightgown that the blonde had donned in an effort to get the detective's attention. Instead, a single tear slid down Jane's cheek. It was soon joined by another and another until soon a steady flow of warm salty tears softly rolled down Jane's face. Silently released along with the tears was the sorrow and agony that Jane had managed to hold in all day. She swiftly used the back of her hand to wipe most of her tears away before they managed reached her chin and told herself to get it together. Maura was the one experiencing the pain, why was she the one now crying? As unwarranted as it was in her mind, she knew her distress was due to the fact that she had always felt so connected to Maura. She felt so linked to Maura that any pain the doctor felt was somehow instantaneously passed through to her also.
Maura was by the brunette's side on the bed in an instant. Gently wiping the few remaining tears from Jane's face, she asked her friend what was wrong.
"Did I miss something Maur?" The Italian whimpered as she somehow managed to put a stop to her tears.
Maura tilted her head in confusion as she considered the brunette. "What do you mean Jane?"
"Did I miss some sign? Have you hurt yourself before? Have you been hurting yourself and I have neglected to notice it?" Jane rushed out her questions, unable to stop them once they started flowing.
Maura sighed, just now understanding the toll her actions were having on her friend. "No Jane." She answered gently as she curled into Jane's side, once again desperate for the comfort only her detective could bring. She didn't know if she could look into Jane's eyes any longer and see the pain that she knew she herself had put there. "Yes, I have hurt myself before." She whispered. "But not in a long time. Not since before I met you. Today just set something off in me. I evidently still have some triggers and the suspect's words to me today just hit a little too close to home for me. He set me off and I completely lost control. But this is the first time I have done this since the commencement of our friendship. That is because you have always made me so very happy Jane. You have always made me feel so loved." Maura took that moment to turn her face towards Jane's. Their faces were now inches apart. Maura could feel Jane's warm breath on her face. She wanted nothing more than to close the gap and kiss the detective but she was entirely too afraid of the possible negative consequences. She didn't know if she could live through losing her best friend right now. No, there was too much to potentially lose. Instead she turned back and looked straight ahead, playing anxiously with her hands.
Jane was disappointed when Maura turned away but she understood that the doctor was in a confusing place at the moment and the last thing Jane wanted to do was to confuse her friend any further. She was determined to allow any progress past friendship that may happen to occur at the blonde's pace. But she was finding herself growing ever hopeful that their friendship would turn into a relationship. Jane knew then and there that she was past the point of no return. She was officially hopelessly in love with her best friend and there was nothing she could do now to turn that back, not that she would even if she could. She just had to accept it and hope that Maura would want to be with her one day.
Utterly exhausted from all the emotions and epiphanies that the day had held for the brunette, she yawned and stretched her limbs before sliding down the bed until her head hit the soft pillow below her.
Maura took that as her sign to leave and said her goodnights before she started to exit the bed. Jane's voice broke through the following silence. "Please stay." She requested, her voice cracking slightly. "I just… I just need to hold you. Please. I need to feel you. To know that you are here."
Maura was both touched and pained by Jane's sentiment. "Of course Jane." She responded as she settled into the bed. She wanted nothing more than to snuggle into the detective's body but she instead took the safe road once again and turned her back towards Jane. She was pleasantly surprised to feel Jane's front mould against her back as the Italian's arm snaked around her midsection.
"Goodnight Jane." The M.E. whispered as she intertwined her fingers with Jane's that were clinging possessively to her stomach.
"Goodnight Maur." Jane replied. "Love you." She added in the softest whisper before drifting off to sleep.
Maura smiled and flicked off the light switch. "I love you too Jane." She whispered into the night before she herself fell asleep.