June 2014

She had been cleared for duty, a task that seemed daunting a month ago. And she was so excited to get back to work. Matt, on the other hand, still had a little ways to go until he could go back. Because the bleeding was in the abdominal cavity, the muscles had to be cut through which had weakened them. To top it off, because he was in so much pain most of the time, the only times he worked on strengthening those muscles was in physical therapy.

Shay was excited to have her back. Since the accident, she'd talked to Kelly about everything and he'd agreed to go to AA meetings and go to a counselor for his drinking problems. Everything wasn't one-hundred percent in their corner, but it was steady enough for Shay to move back in. Just in time, too, since Kelly had a broken leg. She had to be there for him, just like she'd been there for Gabby. But Gabby didn't need that constant support anymore, and was actually very glad things were working out for her friends.

Her first day back was tough. It wasn't the same without everyone on shift. Otis hoped to be cleared around the same time as Matt. Kelly had to wait until the break healed - which could mean upwards of six months on disability. Mouch had to wait until his back healed before rehab and then if he was lucky they'd clear him.

"Gabriella, Chief Boden wants to see you in his office," Connie said from the doorway right after she'd sat down.

"Thanks Connie." She gave the woman a smile, but inside she really wanted to yell at her. Her ankle wasn't feeling the best today, and she had just sat down. However, she stood back up and made her way to Boden's office. She hadn't been in there since her first day almost a year ago, and she wasn't quite sure if this was going to be a good thing or a bad thing. He motioned for her to come in before she'd even knocked on the door.

"Shut the door," he told her, and she complied before sitting in the chair next to the couch. She looked at the Chief sitting on the couch next to her. "How're you feeling?"

"To be honest, it's been tough. My ankle is acting up today of all days, and I'm constantly worried about Matt because he has a hard time getting around still," she told him, and he nodded as he listened. "And it's weird with Mills gone. Partly because Cruz almost killed us with that breakfast, but it's never going to be the same."
"I know how you feel. In this field, you're going to lose people, but remember that you are never alone," he reminded her. A smile spread across her face as she realized he was right. Then it faded.

"I've been having a hard time handling everything since the incident," she then confessed. "I've been going to my meetings, and thank you for telling me about them. But I can't sleep. The explosion… it brought back all those memories from the IED and from all the things I saw over there. I've told Matt, and I know he's gonna be the person who understands it the most out of this house, but I feel like I can't tell him everything I'm feeling because he's still getting better." Boden let out a sigh, leaning forward with elbows on knees.

"I want you to talk to the relief for Casey. His name is Jeff Clarke, and I feel he can help you process those feelings," he informed her. She stood and smiled, giving a thanks before walking out. She hesitated outside his office, taking in a few deep breaths, knowing Boden couldn't help her as much as she wished he could. But maybe this Jeff Clarke guy could. When she regained her composure, she made her way to his quarters - Matt's quarters.

She knocked on his door, not quite sure how to start the conversation. He was sitting at the desk, typing on his computer when he looked up at her with a half-smile. "Come on in," he said, spinning the chair to face the bed as she sat down. It was still Matt's quarters to her, and she felt like she still had some rights to it. "What's up… Dawson? Right?" She nodded.

"Boden said I should come talk to you," she started. He nodded, as if he already knew what was going on.

"About?" he asked, and she took a deep breath. How was she supposed to start this conversation? She had a feeling he suffered from PTSD, the fact Boden wanted her to talk to him about it. Maybe he had developed it after a call, maybe home life.

"I got back from Iraq back in October. And you probably know all about why you're here," she said. She didn't want to seem insensitive, and didn't want to make him feel like he wasn't wanted.

"I know. Propane explosion with the entire house inside, and you guys lost Mills," he said, obviously knowing. "Some calls will bring back those memories," he then said.

"You know how it is?" she asked, oblivious to the fact that he had served. She might have been able to tell from that Marine hair-do though. He nodded. "When I was in Iraq, I was in a convoy that hit an IED. And Lieutenant Casey had been my commanding officer over there, and we almost lost him that day, and we'd lost many others. It's just, losing Mills has gotten me trapped back there in my mind."

"I know how it feels. I joined the Marines in 2005, and was deployed in Afghanistan in 2007. My unit was supposed to be there for eighteen months, but we'd been there less than six when we'd hit a roadside bomb. I'd lost a good friend that day, and," he hesitated, pulling his left pant-leg up just enough for Gabby to see the prosthetic, "my leg. You were lucky that day, we both were. We've seen so much death, but when we get back here, we're expected to either forget it and move on or suffer."

She understood. It felt like at times she was expected to be fine or hit rock bottom, it felt like there could never be an in between. Part of it was from the stigma of PTSD. The other part was her feeling like she had to be okay for her friends and family, to show no signs of weakness, and it was eating her apart.

"I can't talk to Matt about it. We're there for each other, but we're both suffering in our own ways and I can't add to his. He's already out of the job for the next month or so, he's going crazy in that apartment, and he's dealing with losing one of his men. He doesn't remember the IED, but I do, and at the same time, I'm dealing with losing my friend," she finally said, knowing it was coming. "It's something I cannot talk to him about. Yeah, he'll listen, but how can I burden him like that?" Clarke took her hands in his and looked her in the eyes.

"It seems like it'll be a burden now, but you have to turn to someone. Whether it be me, or your partner Shay, or anybody in this house. These thoughts will eat you from the inside, and soon it'll feel like you can't turn to anyone. If you can't turn to Casey, turn to someone else until you feel you can. I know you care about him, but you also have to care about you." She knew he was right. She knew the path that would open if she didn't talk to someone, had been down it before. And she couldn't go back to that. Those months after losing Vivian had almost destroyed her, and she'd learned from it and she'd grown because of it. She had to treat this differently, because she'd learned what didn't work for her when grieving. The difference this time was that she had a family at 51, one that she could turn to, and she'd had Antonio this time around. And that was the difference. She had family.