Here's another new one. Hope you like it!
CHAPTER ELEVEN
SADIE'S CHOICE
Sadie stared at the view through the window. It had been six weeks since she'd been abducted and rescued. Six weeks since she'd pushed Spencer away. Six weeks since the ache in her heart grew worse until she could no longer feel anything.
"Miss O'Connell? Dr. Harris will see you now" the receptionist informed. Sadie stood up, pulled her jacket closer and walked through the door that lead to the office of her psychiatrist.
"Sadie" Dr. Harris greeted, "Tea?" she enquired, as she always did.
Sadie shrugged her right shoulder and walked through the large open office to sit on the couch. Harris was a middle-aged woman, well-built, kindly face and a charming ever-present smile. She walked up to Sadie and handed her a cup of Earl Grey Tea with lemon and honey, just the way she liked it. Sadie received the cup and watched as Harris took the arm chair across from her and picked up her notepad.
"How're we doing?" Harris asked. Sadie licked her bottom lip and sat back in the couch, waiting for her tea to cool.
"No dreams" Sadie reported, "Haven't had a single dream in the last week"
Harris scribbled in her notepad. Sadie took a small, tentative sip of her tea, then breathed out.
"How're things with your brother?" Harris asked. Sadie half-shrugged with her right shoulder again.
"Haven't spoken to him in weeks" Sadie reported. Harris scowled.
"Last week, I thought we'd decided to talk to him?" she enquired uncertainly. Sadie sipped her tea again.
"I couldn't" she admitted in a soft voice, "I grieved for him. I don't know if I can ever get past that"
Harris sighed and smiled sadly when Sadie looked up to meet her gaze.
"What about Spencer?" Harris asked. Sadie stilled, bit her bottom lip nervously.
"Haven't called him either" she admitted, then sighed, "He's better off without me, doc"
Harris sighed.
"How're you adjusting in your new house?" Harris asked. Sadie looked up.
"Liz is a great roommate" Sadie admitted, "She and Sofia had packed and brought my things from Nolan's flat to hers' so that I could feel homely"
Harris smiled and nodded her for to continue. Sadie's lips quirked up in a small smile.
"The best part is that I get to watch her paint" Sadie admitted, "She's brilliant with a brush. You should see her, doc, the colours come alive when Liz paints"
"I'll remember that" Harris smiled. Sadie nodded.
"There's a showing of her art next weekend at a gallery. I'll get you tickets if you like" Sadie continued with a little more enthusiasm than normal, "Oh, if people saw her painting! It's so intense!"
"Sounds like you enjoy living with Liz" Harris noted. Sadie's smile shrank and she sipped her tea.
"Yeah, it's amazing" she admitted, then fell into silence again.
Harris scowled as she watched Sadie, then sighed after a few minutes of silence.
"How's everyday life treating you?" Harris asked, in hopes of continuing Sadie's narrative. Sadie sipped her tea again.
"It's alright" she mumbled, then fell into silence again. Harris' face showed her exasperation, before she schooled her features into normalcy.
"Sadie, you know that this will only help if you're willing to put in the effort?" Harris pointed out gently. Sadie pressed her lips together and put the nearly empty teacup down on the side table.
"I know" Sadie mumbled, "I just need more time, doc" she admitted, putting her head in her hands in exasperation. Harris sighed.
"I know" she replied, "But you need to make your choices and take your first steps"
Sadie looked up at her and smiled sadly.
"You sound like Obi-wan" Sadie mumbled.
"These are not the droids you're looking for" Harris mimed seriously, waving her hand across her face. Sadie's smile widened and she sat up straighter.
"Doc" she started, licking her lips, "I was thinking" she paused to run a hand through her hair, "I think I need to live alone"
Harris smiled at her statement, as if she'd waited all her life to hear Sadie say those exact words.
"OK" Harris said. Sadie scowled and licked her lips again.
"Do you think I'm ready?" Sadie asked worriedly, "I mean, I've never really lived alone. You know?"
Harris nodded for her to continue.
"I just- I don't know if I'll be any good at it" Sadie admitted, "I've always been dependent on someone or another and I think that's part of the reason why I'm so shut-in. If I lived alone, maybe I'd be more socially equipped"
Harris smiled sadly.
"Sadie, I need you to understand something" Harris told her firmly, "Are you listening?"
Sadie nodded, meeting the older woman's gaze firmly and intently.
"There's nothing wrong with being an introvert" Harris told her, "It's ok that you're more cerebral than physical. It's ok. You don't need to go out on your own and live alone so that you can change into one of the crowd. The only reason you'd need to live alone, is if you feel comfortable doing so. Do you understand?"
Sadie nodded again and leaned back in the couch, her head tilting up to look at the ceiling. Harris waited as the minutes ticked by.
"I need to live alone because I need to experience that" Sadie said, looking down to meet Harris' eyes, "I need to move out because I need to know what it's like to be on my own and not depend on others for my daily survival"
Harris' lips quirked up in a small, encouraging smile.
"I need to live alone because I'm ready to live alone" Sadie concluded. Harris grinned at her.
"I think you've found your reason" Harris told her. Sadie smiled slightly.
"I'm serious about Liz's gallery showing, doc" Sadie admitted a moment later, "I'll send you tickets. You can bring a date"
Harris grinned at her cheekily.
"I promise to show up, even if you don't send me tickets" Harris informed. Sadie smiled again.
"How's the writing?" Harris asked. Sadie's smile fell and her shoulders drooped.
"Not so good" she admitted, "Before... everything" she paused to steady her breathing, "I was overflowing with ideas. Now, I'm at a standstill, like I'm frozen by a sudden gust of cold wind blowing through the mountains. I carry this around" she pulled out a notebook from her jacket, "in hopes that if I do get an idea, I can start writing, but I haven't had any breakthroughs like that"
Harris nodded.
"It just needs time" she confirmed softly. Sadie nodded and tucked the notebook back into the jacket.
"I'm reading though" Sadie admitted, "About the journey to the discovery of the Higgs-Boson particle"
Harris scowled, suppressing her laugh.
"You're reading science articles" she pointed out, "Why?"
Sadie half-shrugged.
"It was something Spencer enjoyed doing in his spare time" she admitted softly, "I think I might've picked up one of his habits"
Harris smiled and nodded.
"What about Spencer?" Harris asked gently, "Any plans on talking about that yet?"
Sadie shrugged again.
"Spencer's a great guy" Sadie informed, "The best guy I've ever known, hands-down" she paused for a long time, biting her lower lip thoughtfully. Harris scowled at the long pause.
"But?" Harris prompted.
Sadie's lips quirked up into a sad smile.
"No buts" Sadie admitted, "He's the best guy I've ever known. Period. I don't want to ruin his life by waltzing in there, broken and in need of fixing. I couldn't do that" she sighed sadly.
"What about after?" Harris prompted, "After you've fixed yourself, do you see Spencer sharing in that future with you once you've mended?" she enquired.
Sadie sighed.
"He can do much better than me, doc" she mumbled, "Any girl in the world would be lucky to have him and his quirks. I just can't bring that much baggage to the relationship. How wrong is that?"
Harris sighed and nodded, watching as Sadie's mind worked out the perfect defense technique to keep the world out, and her soul in. Her psyche was fracturing and nothing Harris could do would stop it. There was nothing more to do, except wait and hope for the best.
Sadie walked through the crowded streets, her hair whipping about her face in the wind. She had had a haircut when she was in the hospital. All her hair was shoulder-length now, when wet, which meant they were all much shorter and curled around her head when dry. The hair-cut had made her feel much better. A break-up that she'd initiated. The end of her first relationship.
Sadie sighed as she watched the crowds drift by through the glass window of the bookstore. She didn't go to coffee shops anymore. She didn't go anywhere anymore. It had been three weeks since she'd been let out of the Psych ward of Bethesda and since then, Sadie had turned into a hermit and lived in the four walls of Liz's apartment, with visits from Cara and Sofia. Her brother wasn't allowed in the building and Sadie was glad of that. And Spencer knew nothing.
With a grudging sigh, Sadie moved around the bookstore, trying to find a book that would reel her in and keep on going. But nothing seemed to intrigue her. She left the store a few minutes later and walked through the streets hoping inspiration would hit. Her walk took her to the familiar crossing that was round the block from her brother's apartment and overlooking the crossing as one particular coffee-shop that had been a cupid for her. She stopped and stared at the crowd gathering around the shop, then at the shop itself. It hit her like a wave of nausea and vertigo.
Sadie pulled out her notebook and started scribbling furiously, pausing for only a second to call a taxi, then continued scribbling all the way back to Liz's apartment.
"You look like crap" Liz commented, finding Sadie later that day, sitting at the kitchen counter, still scribbling into her notebook, her hair a mess, her eyes red and blotchy from rubbing them all day. Sadie stopped writing for the first time in hours and turned to Liz. Liz frowned on seeing Sadie's expression and hurried to her side, worried.
"What's wrong, Sadie?" she asked gently, "How did it go with the doc?"
Sadie put her pen down and flexed and relaxed her hand, in an automatic, practiced way.
"Good" Sadie admitted, "Liz, I need to talk to you"
Liz scowled as she put the takeaway boxes on the counter top and stared worriedly at her best friend.
"I'm thinking of moving out" Sadie stated. Liz's scowl deepened and she pursed her lips at her.
"Why? Aren't you happy here?" Liz asked. Sadie looked around the one-bedroom apartment that was entirely Liz's personality.
"I am" Sadie admitted, "I'm really happy and it's really fun living here with you. But I need to live on my own for a while. I'm not even sure if I am capable of it. I need to know that I can. I need to try"
Liz sighed as she slumped into the barstool at the counter. Then, she looked up at her best friend and cracked a small smile.
"You are entirely capable of living alone, you know" Liz told her, "I think it's a great idea"
Sadie smiled as Liz enveloped her in a hug.
"But, I'll miss you so much!" Liz cried into her shoulder. Sadie smiled too.
"Likewise" she admitted softly, "Likewise"
Sadie spent the next two weeks looking for a place she might enjoy living in. Most of these visits were done in the company of one or more of her friends, as Sadie was unaware of housing costs in the city. She also spent an awful lot of time writing and had called her editor for a read-through of the few finished chapters, after her friends had given their approval. It was in the middle of her third week of house-hunting that she found the place she envisioned herself living. It was an adorable studio apartment two blocks from Liz's place and seven blocks from her brother's apartment.
The apartment was in the fifth floor of a walk-up and had one other apartment on the floor. The other apartment was much larger, the real estate broker had told her, and owned by some sort of professor, who always seemed to be out of town or working. The apartment opened into the open kitchen on the right, and the living area on the left. A ladder from the living area lead Sadie to the privacy of her "bedroom", under which was just enough space for a bookshelf or a table. The closet was on the far end of the left wall and the bathroom on the far end of the right. The wall across from the main door was one large window overlooking the road that the house sat on, dotted with autumn trees and a stretch of green grass on the sidewalk.
Sadie moved into the new place with several boxes of clothes and books and no furniture. The girls sat on the floor of her studio and ate pizza and drank coke, celebrating Sadie's move.
"You need to buy a bed" Cara told her, as they sat in quiet conversation.
"Yeah, and a desk" Sadie admitted, "And utensils for the kitchen"
"Oh! We can make a day of it!" Liz cooed happily, "There's a mall just down the street, you know" she wagged her eyebrows suggestively.
"Let's do it tomorrow! I finally have a day off!" Sofia suggested. The girls cheered, clinking their plastic cups of coke together, and downed all that remained. They fell asleep amongst the many boxes that Sadie owned and cuddled together under the only duvet Sadie owned: one with Doctor Who print.
The Mall was a huge megastore made up of multiple mini stores for all furniture and home needs, just walking distance from Sadie's new apartment. But then, Sadie walked almost everywhere anyway. After they'd cleaned up their own mess and worn one of Sadie's fresh-ish clothes each, they walked down the street, stopping at a cafe to buy their morning cups of coffee and eat a small breakfast, eating their donuts or croissants or whatever as they walked to the shop.
"OK" Sofia said, like responsible adult, "Sadie needs a bed, towels, bath essentials, curtains, a couch, TV, microwave and a fridge"
"A lamp shade!" Liza cooed, her eyes darting around the shop. Sofia clapped her hands together.
"No" Sofia reprimanded, "Essentials only. Nothing more"
Liz rolled her eyes as she pulled out a trolley. Sadie smiled at her friend while Cara stared absently at the shelves, still trying to focus. Sadie linked her arm with Cara's and offered her a smile. Cara smiled back guiltily as they followed the other two members of their "troupe" into the depths of the shop.
"Futons are uncomfortable" Cara informed as Liz lounged on one in the bed section.
"A firm mattress does wonders for back support and pain" Sofia added. Cara looked around the room.
"How about a themed bed?" Cara suggested wandering towards the childrens' section.
"Sadie isn't 8" Sofia pointed out as Cara admired a pink princess bed. Liz jumped in.
"Oh! It'gorgeous!" Liz stated, "What do you say, Sadie?"
Sadie scowled and looked at the basic bed in the beginning of the section.
"I was thinking, simple" Sadie admitted, looking at the queen sized low bed with a firm-ish mattress and fluffy pillows. The other three exchanged knowing looks.
"Alright then" Sofia said, "I'll go see if there are any discounts" she wandered off, Liz close on her heel, almost trying to dissuade her from the bed.
"You'll need a couch" Cara pointed out. Sadie sighed.
"I think I'll leave that for the time being" Sadie admitted, "I think I'll go with green for the curtains" she added, drifting towards that section. With a roll of her eyes and small smile playing on her lips, Cara followed.
"It's good that they deliver" Sadie mumbled as she fished out the credit card for the payment.
"Sadie, you've bought furniture for your entire house! Of course they have to deliver!" Liz informed. Sadie shrugged as she received the credit card.
"We'll be there this afternoon, Miss O'Connell" the clerk told her as Sadie retrieved her card and put it away.
"Thank you very much" Sadie said, and allowed her friends to lead her out. They went to lunch at a continental restaurant two blocks from her new apartment and were seated in a cozy cornery table overlooking the street.
"Do you think the desk chair was too much?" Sadie asked as they looked at their menus, "I never even use a desk. It seems like a waste" she mumbled.
"Sadie, you can learn to use a desk, can't you?" Sofia offered.
"Besides, you didn't buy a couch, so visitors need some furniture to sit in" Liz added. Sadie coloured pink in the cheeks.
"Maybe after I publish this book, I'll buy a couch" Sadie mumbled. All three heads turned to her, with expressions raning from surprise to awe.
"Is it finished?" Cara asked, looking no less than proud. Sadie managed a cheeky grin.
"Just this morning" Sadie admitted, "It's still a rough draft, but it is"
Liz squealed and threw herself at Sadie and Sofia cheered loudly. The other restaurant go-ers turned to them with disapproving looks.
"Oh! This calls for a celebration!" Cara declared and ordered their best champagne.
"When can we read it?" Sofia asked, as Liz finally freed Sadie from her smothering grasp.
"When we get back to the apartment, I guess?" she replied.
"When we get back to your apartment" Cara pointed out.
"Your brand new apartment" Sofia chimed in. Their champagne arrived and the girls raised their glasses towards her and Sadie filled with happiness and comfort and something strangely melancholic as she raised her glass to her friends, who had helped her pull through the most challenging phase of her life yet.
Wow. That was tiring to write. Do review. Let me know what you're thinking.