Note: This took a long time to write, not only because of my battling Dengue fever, but also because of the confusion and lack of drive on my part to do so.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

Life had gotten easier now, Sadie noted, as she sat by her large window and sipped her tea. At least, it wasn't all dread and pain. She was comfortable enough to get from one day to the next. She stared at her flip-phone sitting on the table. It had been decommissioned come the new year, having run out of minutes and currency. She needed to buy a new phone, she realised - one of those fancy ones with a touch screen and fabulous camera. She sighed tiredly at the thought, and looked out the window again. The streets below were now familiar to her, after she'd watched them for months on end. She traced a finger along the lines of the tree tops and sighed again.

Contrary to popular belief, the new year hadn't meant any sort of cleansing or renewal. It had just been another day - granted she had spent the night at Liz's apartment instead of her cramped one - still, it wasn't new or renewing or anything. It was just another day. Now, halfway through the day, she sat in her window sill, alone, and drank her lukewarm tea. Another sigh escaped her lips and with it Sadie stood, finished her tea and deposited the empty teacup on the windowsill, deciding that she needed to talk to her psychiatrist. She usually talked to Dr. Harris twice a week - on Mondays and Thursdays, and though she had just met her the day before, Sadie felt she needed to talk to her again.

Since her phone had all but died on her, Sadie pulled on her boots and wrapped herself in a coat before taking her keys, her phone, and her wallet, and stepped out of the apartment. She glanced at her neighbour's door for a brief moment before taking the stairs down to the lobby, then out she stepped, onto the streets.

Sadie walked around aimlessly, a half-filled notebook tucked into her jacket pocket along with a pen, if the need arose. She wondered if there were payphones that she could use. Just as she thought it, her eyes fell on one at the corner of the street. She walked towards her, checking her wallet for change that she could use. She dialled the office number for Dr. Harris and waited four rings before the excited receptionist answered.

"Hello! You're reached the number for Dr. Harris' clinic. How may I help you?" she enquired courteously. Sadie bit her lip.

"It's Sadie O'Connell" she breathed after a moment, "I was wondering if I could see Dr. Harris today? It's sort of urgent" she mumbled, picking at nothing on her coat lapels.

"Miss O'Connell!" the receptionist half-shouted, "Of course! Dr. Harris will definitely see you! How about three p.m.? Is that good?" she asked.

"Yes, three sounds good. Thanks" she mumbled, then hung up before the receptionist could shout some more in her ear. Sadie scowled at the phone then stepped out of the payphone and used a clean wipe on her hands before walking down the street and tossing it into a bin a few metres away.

Sadie bought a lettuce and tomato sandwich for lunch and walked to a park, where she sat on a bench and nibbled on it. She still cooked on most days, but even then she had a hard time letting go of the past. Sadie watched as little children laughed and ran while their parents looked on, also smiling and enjoying the day. It was cooler than it had been for the last week and the forecast predicted snow in the coming days. Yet, in the height of winter, there were children, laughing and having a blast, without a care in the world. Sadie sighed, letting her arm drop from where she'd held it up to take a bite of the sandwich. She hadn't know what being carefree was. She barely remembered days when she wasn't fighting for her right to live. She'd assumed, as a naive child, that that's what everyone's lives were like. Despite that, she'd foraged on, hoping for a miracle - anything that might change her circumstances so she could be free to be herself. That miracle had never happened.

Sadie arrived at the clinic twenty minutes early. The receptionist, Betty, her name tag read, smiled kindly at her.

"Miss O'Connell, please take a seat" Betty gestured. Sadie nodded and sat down, her hand automatically going for the notebook in her pocket. That notebook had so many of Sadie's darkest thoughts scribbled in it that she was afraid people might read it and judge her for it. Betty smiled.

"I'll prepare your tea" Betty offered, "Would you like anything else?" she enquired gently. Sadie shook her head.

"Thank you" she replied politely, then looked out the window again. Her new life resembled her old life in that she was always looking out windows in them both. A sigh escaped her lips before she could swallow it and Betty gave her the slightest of worried glances before she resumed her tea brewing.

"I was surprised to hear about your call" Dr. Harris said, by way of greeting as Sadie stepped into the office.

"I apologise" Sadie stated, "I was having a bad day"

Dr. Harris smiled gently.

"Was?" she noted softly as Sadie sat down, not taking off her jacket, or meeting the doctor's eyes.

"I-" Sadie hesitated, then glanced up at Harris' face. She was giving her a motherly expression of understanding.

"You have children" Sadie noted softly, "I didn't realise it before"

Harris' smile didn't falter, instead grew wider.

"Three boys" she replied, "14, 10, and 6"

Sadie's expression changed from one of complete despair to mild surprise.

"That's a lot" she noted, "You must be proud of them" she added, reading the psychiatrist just as well as the psychiatrist read her. Harris grinned.

"Every damn day" she replied with a wide toothy grin. Sadie nodded, smiling reflexively at the doctor's expression as well as response. Parents who loved their children: it seemed like an alien concept to her. Harris, as if noticing Sadie's inner turmoil, cleared her throat.

"So, what happened?" she asked. Sadie looked up, meeting the older's woman's gaze, and felt the knots in her stomach tighten.

"I've been thinking about the past" Sadie admitted softly, "a lot"

Harris watched her, waiting patiently for her to go on. Sadie swallowed, picking at her coat nervously.

"When I was younger and living in my family home in Northern Ireland, it was normal for me to not talk or share what I thought with others" Sadie admitted in a whisper, "My father didn't appreciate me voicing my thoughts, so I guess I learned to stay quiet and say nothing"

Harris nodded, knowing Sadie wasn't done yet. Sadie bit her lower lip thoughtfully. Silence filled the room and the only sounds that broke it was the soft rustling of Sadie's jacket with her nervous fidgeting.

"I suppose I've retained that habit, for some reason, despite how long it's been" she shrugged, "I haven't changed at all" she sighed, falling into a silence. Harris waited for her to go on, but when she didn't decided to encourage her.

"Why did you start thinking about this now?" Harris asked softly. Sadie frowned at her fingers, then at Harris.

"After the incident" she winced as she said the word. 'Incident' is how everyone referred to the events that had transpired a few months earlier and almost cost the lives of three innocent people. The word left a bad taste in Sadie's mouth as she continued, "I pushed people away - Spencer, Nolan, my friends - not just because of how bad I felt for all the harm I'd caused them just by being in their vicinity, but also because there's a whole lot of bad in me that I'm yet to tell anyone. I was afraid that if I let them stay by my side, all the bad would leak out, and they wouldn't want to stay with me when they found out" she paused, taking a shuddering breath and met Harris' gaze, "I don't think I'll ever tell anyone about all that I remember from my childhood and I know that people might not like that. Relationships are all-exposing things, aren't they?" she stopped abruptly and looked to Harris in confusion.

"I suppose" Harris agreed softly, "Only if you want them to be" she added, an all-knowing look in her eyes, "You are allowed to have parts of yourself that you don't want to share with anyone"

"But in today's world, where people are shouting out that they're gay or feminists or whatever from the rooftops, I don't know if keeping some things to myself is entirely acceptable" she replied. Harris remained quiet for a while. Sadie reflected on her outburst, on the events of the day that had lead up to it, and of the days past that she'd never said a word.

"If, for example" Harris started tentatively, "Spencer, or Nolan, or Cara told you that there was a part of them they wished to not reveal to you, or whatever reason, how would you feel?" she asked gently.

Sadie pursued her lips, thinking.

"Is it because I'm untrustworthy that they don't wish to tell me?" Sadie asked. Harris refrained from sighing out loud and settled from a grim expression instead.

"Because they fear that telling you this secret might change the way that you perceive them, and might start liking them less, or trusting them less" Harris replied.

"That's mental! I trust Spencer and Cara with my life! Nolan, not so much, but nothing any of them could say could put me off about them" she replied, expression changing from confused to appalled to considering. Harris gave her a pointed look.

"I believe you've answered your own question, Sadie O'Connell" Harris informed her. Sadie scowled as she thought about their discussion, then looked up and smiled at Harris.

"You're very good" she told her. Harris grinned.

"You're quite good yourself" Harris insisted, "Might I make a small suggestion?"

Sadie nodded eagerly.

"If there are things you can't particularly say, perhaps you could write them down?" she suggested, "Like the dedication on the new book: it's quite apt."

Sadie coloured at the mention of the dedication and the book. She'd been called by her agent and publisher for a possible book tour in Spring. Just the thought of it made Sadie weak and dizzy. She was no public speaker! She could barely talk to her three friends simultaneously without feeling intimidated! She let out a breath that sounded like a sigh. Harris' eyebrow quirked up with curiosity.

"I probably already know the answer" Harris started, "But have you spoken to Spencer recently?"

Sadie looked up guiltily.

"OK" Harris nodded once, "How're the dreams?" she asked. Sadie half-shrugged.

"The same" she replied, "But somehow, they don't bother me as much now"

Harris pressed her lips together, and Sadie let out another breath that sounded like a sigh.

"Tell me honestly, doctor" Sadie said, "Does it ever get better? Will I ever get better?"

Harris' lips pulled into a small reassuring smile.

"With time" she replied vaguely. Sadie nodded.

Sadie walked down the street, her hands stuffed in her pockets, her eyes unfocused as she looked at the passersby, their presence barely registering. She walked up the familiar street, past the shop with many memories and up the flight of stairs that were the main focus of many of her dreams. She rang the doorbell and waited. A few short minutes later, the door swung open, and Nolan's face appeared, grinning at her.

"Well, it is a Happy New Year after all" he muttered with a toothy grin, "Wanna come in for a drink?"

"I don't drink" Sadie replied, "seems you've forgotten" she noted, walking into the familiar living room. The large windows, with the view of the city, still amazed her.

"This place is a mess" she noted aloud, noticing the candy wrappers and papers strewn all over the room.

"Well, I've been a little busy" Nolan replied, "No drink, are you sure?"

Sadie shot him a look of disbelief.

"Not busy enough to not eat at home" she noted. Nolan grinned.

"You just dropped off the radar" he stated, "Have you been living under a rock?" he asked.

"Don't give me that" she replied, "Cara said you've got people keeping an eye on me. You know exactly where I am and what I'm doing"

Nolan had the decency to look guilty.

"Heard about those did you?" he said, "Just wanted to make sure you were safe" he admitted.

"Couldn't bother to tell me to my face that I was in danger?" she asked sarcastically, walking to the window and sitting on the ledge with a huff. Nolan smiled sheepishly.

"I wanted to lure him out" he admitted, "He would go for you, so of course, I could then get him"

Sadie looked out the window.

"I didn't come to fight you" she admitted with an exasperated sigh, "I came to say that I forgive you, for all that's happened. I forgive you" she stated, meeting his eyes with an intense gaze. Nolan's face broke into a wide smile.

"That's brilliant" he commented. Sadie pressed her lips together.

"But I don't know if I can trust you" she continued, "I would've blindly followed you into a volcano before, Nolan, but now, I don't even know if I can trust you to be a proper big brother" she shrugged.

"Sure" Nolan said, nodding along, "You'll need time and space if you can do trust me again" he admitted, "We'll work on that" he promised, "How about coffee? I know you love that coffee shop"

Sadie pressed her lips together.

"I don't drink coffee anymore" she admitted, "Caffeine is known to be the cause of a great many number of illnesses, do you know?" she informed him with a raise in her eyebrows. Nolan grinned.

"Dinner then" he concluded, "Your friends can come too. I know this fantastic restaurant near Georgetown, it's mind-blowing" he told her. Sadie stood up and stuffed her hands in her pockets.

"We'll see" she said, "Some time, we'll have dinner, or lunch, or something" she informed him, rejecting his immediate invite, "I'll be on my way" she said, walking to the door.

"I thought he wasn't going to harm you" Nolan admitted to her turned back, "I knew that to him, you were precious and I believed that he wasn't going to hurt you. I misjudged, and for that I apologise"

Sadie glanced back at him.

"He never touched me" she admitted, "But the big guy had zero patience. I'm surprised I made it out alive" she glanced up at his face one last time.

"Good bye" she breathed, the left the apartment building, closing the door behind her.

Sadie breathed deeply as she stood on the street. Memories of her childhood flooded through the mangled remains of the barrier she'd built up as an adolescent. The scent of old books mixing with dry blood, the glimpes of snow-covered trees barred by the bars of window panes, the sounds of music and laughter over-powered by the screaming of a young child. Sadie stopped mid-breath as she tried to push the memories back. Then, she breathed, pushing them away, pushing them back, and she felt herself anchor to the present. She blinked open her eyes and crossed the street. Liz had a few moments she could spare, surely, she thought absently as she walked towards her house.

Liz owned a loft space not five minutes from the intersection of the coffeeshop. The artist had transformed the space with her personality and art and now, the place looked and felt like something from a half-remembered dream. Liz opened the door and found Sadie looking sheepishly in her direction.

"Do you have a few minutes?" Sadie asked and Liz frowned at her friend.

"You don't even need to ask, Sadie" she replied, "Come on in, I'll put the kettle on"

"I think I've had my quota of Tea today, so I'll pass" Sadie replied, stepping into the familiar apartment and taking off her jacket and scarf to hang them on the coat rack.

"So, what's up?" Liz asked, sitting down at the stool in front of her easel, "You said you were going to spend the day at home and not to disturb you, so I didn't call" she went on. Sadie scowled as she sat on the arm chair across from the easel.

"I felt uneasy" Sadie admitted, "I went to see Dr. Harris, then decided to finally tell Nolan to pull his crummy agents back, and I have to buy a new phone or renew the contract on the old one, because this one just got diconnected" she rambled. Liz frowned as Sadie rambled on, then nodded once when Sadie finished.

"That is quite the day you've had" Liz nodded. Sadie sighed.

"No kidding" she replied. Liz grinned.

"Should we go and buy you a phone then?" Liz started simply and Sadie was grateful for Liz's initiative.

"That would be quite nice" Sadie admitted. Liz nodded.

"Let's do that. I'll go and wear something not splattered in paint, and we'll head out" Liz said, stood up and went to the left, where a room separator covered her sleeping area and closet. Sadie stared at the canvas on the easel and felt herself relaxing. Snow-covered streets of an old University campus greeted her and Sadie remembered the Christmas she'd spent in Edinburgh with Liz and Cara.

Liz returned from her room dressed in a fluffy sweater and warm jeans. She pulled on her boots, and her knee-length winter coat as Sadie stood to put on her own jacket and wrapped her scarf around her neck.

"I think you'll do well with an iPhone" Liz commented off-handedly as they made their way down to the lobby of her building.

"I think I want something simple and uncomplicated" Sadie admitted softly. Liz nodded.

"Yeah? How about we go and have a look at the devices they have and you can buy one on the spot?" she suggested. Sadie nodded in agreement.

"What made you decide to talk to Nolan all of a sudden?" Liz asked. Sadie shrugged.

"I want the new year to mean something, so I figured I'd deal with my brother" she mumbled. Liz scowled mildly, then turned to give Sadie an understanding look.

"I guess that makes sense" she mumbled, "So, I guess it'll be this time next year when you talk to Spencer next" she concluded. Sadie winced at the declaration. Liz, more than Cara or Sofia, had been the one most disappointed with Sadie's decision to break up with Spencer. She'd also been the only one who was constantly trying to get Sadie to make the call to Spencer.

"He's better off without me, Liz" Sadie mumbled weakly, but she knew, in her heart, that if it wasn't for Spencer's support, Sadie might've never recovered from her brother's death, not that it would matter in the end, but still.

"I don't want to push you too much, Sadie" Liz stated simply, "But I saw how you were with him. Sure he's a genius, has a brilliant job, probably makes more money than I could ever dream of, but when you were with him, you were glowing, like happy and content, and that's a rare thing to find in one's life. You shouldn't let such things go" she rambled.

Sadie frowned, contemplated Liz's words. Liz was talented, she decided, as they walked into a shop and looked at the latest phones. Sadie stopped when she saw the phone she knew she'd buy in the end: a frosted green glass greeted her as she took the device from the man. And it took all of Liz's self control to not convice Sadie to buy an Android phone, of all things. But, there she was, Sadie O'Connell, already walking towards the billing counter to buy the phone she'd barely even seen for five minutes.

"You're strangely impulsive" Liz pointed out as Sadie looked at her new phone and tried to save her old numbers on the new phone by adding them by hand. Liz sighed.

"There's an app for that" Liz pointed out and Sadie looked up.

"An app" Sadie repeated, "I'll do it later then" she concluded, nodding and putting both phones away. Liz sighed.

"Do you honestly believe I ought to talk to Spencer?" Sadie asked, making Liz stop in her tracks. It had been weeks of Liz going on and on about how Sadie should get in touch with Spencer. And now, all of a sudden, without pretext (though perhaps talking to Harris and dealing with her brother counted as such) Sadie was asking the right question.

"I think that talking to him is a good idea" Liz spoke evenly, unhurried so that Sadie understood, and wasn't overwhelmed, "You have to sit down, talk, and work things out. Because I know you love Doctor Who and all, but running away isn't the moral"

Sadie nodded mutely, eyes fixed on the ground.

"Do you think that if I call him now, he'd be willing to talk to me? I mean, I did push him away selfishly, and I have been keeping all my dark thoughts to myself, but I don't know if he'll understand. I mean, what if, at the end of it all, he decides he doesn't want me and my darkness?" Sadie glanced up to meet Liz's eyes worriedly, almost frantic.

"Sadie, calm down" Liz put a hand on her friend's shoulder to ground her, "Whatever happens, when you face him, you'll know that talking to him was the right thing to do. Running away was wrong, and Sadie, you should understand that" she spoke softly, to keep the calm.

Sadie nodded again, this time seemingly less frantic.

"Whatever happens, I need to talk to him" she concluded, nodding to herself firmly. Liz nodded back. Sadie looked up and smiled weakly.

"Thanks for today, Liz" she stated, "I don't know what I'd have done without you" she claimed. Liz grinned and slapped her back in a friendly, encouraging manner.

"I think you'd still do the right things" Liz assured, "I've always known you to be capable of that"

Note2: I'm sorry to say I haven't watched any of the latest seasons of Criminal Minds, so if my characters seem OOC, it's entirely my fault and mostly to be blamed on my imagination. In any case, here it is, the long awaited 13th chapter. Reviews are love!