Immer: Here goes nothing. Another chapter.
Chapter Two Catching Feelings
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Lelouch didn't think Suzaku would apply himself into school again. He even tried to be friendly, but Lelouch avoided him like the plague. According to his rewritten memories, they still walked away with bitter feelings. And so he acted accordingly.
"What's with you and Suza? You two used to be close." Shirley asked one day.
"Key word, used to be." Lelouch took his chance to walk out before he was bombarded with more questions from the others.
But he couldn't avoid him forever. One day, Lelouch brought Elijah with him to one of the meetings with the council. He was so exhausted, but Elijah wouldn't stop fussing. Eventually he managed to calm him down while laying down on the couch with the boy laying on his chest. Due to his exhaustion he fell asleep, as well. He woke up some time later, but didn't open his eyes in favor of listening to the conversation going on.
"Suzaku, are you the father?" For once Milly was all serious like.
"Madame Prez!" Rivalz exclaimed.
"Shh! If you wake up the baby, brother will make you take care of him." Rolo reprimanded.
"Sorry..." The elder teen lowered his voice.
"I'm trying to figure that out, too." Suzaku answered.
"So you mean he didn't even tell you?" Shirley was shocked.
"I didn't even know he had a kid until I came back to school."
Are you trying to make them feel sorry for you?
"Lulu doesn't withhold information unless something happened. If he didn't tell you, then what did you do to hurt him?" Milly was in full detective mode.
"I..." Suzaku hesitated.
"I can answer for him, since he's not man enough." Rolo boldly spoke with the intention to make his words sting.
Thank you, Rolo.
"Oh so now one of the brothers want to crack. Spill."
"Suzaku left my brother without saying a word after they fooled around a few times. Big brother didn't know he was pregnant until after he had left, but by that time Suzaku had been knighted to Princess Euphemia. So my brother let him go."
Lelouch was glad he told Rolo the story. And it still coincided with his rewritten memories, so Suzaku would still be backed into a corner. The tension was strained in the room, as the story set in everyone's heads. Suddenly there was a sound of rolled up paper smacking someone's head.
"Ow! What was that for, Madam Prez?" Suzaku yowled in surprise.
"For playing Lulu like that. You better be ready to make it up to him. We've all had to pitch in to help raise this kid on top of everything else. It doesn't help Lelou isn't taking school seriously enough to decide what to do in life. He's got more than himself to worry about." For someone who liked to throw festivals like crazy, Milly was being quite like an adult right now.
"I'm sorry. I want to make it up to him, but how do I go about doing that? He avoids me even in class group projects and no one would pair with me."
Stop making everyone feel sorry for you.
"Maybe something big for you to get his attention..."
Shit, Madame President is plotting. Not good, not good.
Elijah made a sound, and started to squirm. Soon as he started crying Lelouch was in parent mode and immediately sat up holding the infant in his arms. He was still exhausted despite his small nap. A hand felt over the diaper, and his guess was correct. Good thing he came prepared. Lelouch reached for the diaper bag as he stood up.
"Um, I would like to help." Suzaku stood up, and Lelouch made a face.
Don't you dare try to act all cute.
"Do you even know how to change a diaper?"
"Um...?" The startled expression said enough.
"Thought so. So, no. I got this." Lelouch walked passed him to the baby changing station on the other side of the meeting room. With quick expertise he changed the diaper within seconds.
"Are we going to try apple sauce or yogurt today?" Rolo asked as he opened the mini fridge that had various baby safe foods.
"As much as I don't like the idea of a mess, let's start with apple sauce. We still haven't heard back from the doctor if he's lactose or not." Lelouch changed his son's outfit. He hadn't realized he soaked through the little shorts. However, due to lack of laundry he only had one outfit.
My son is now a duck. Why did I let Milly go crazy with shopping for his clothes?
Lelouch decided never again would he put bright yellow on his son ever again. Even if the duck onesy was cute. It was still a bright abomination of color. Lelouch placed his son in the high chair and sat down. Rolo handed him a cup of apple sauce and a baby spoon.
"Okay, Beansprout, let's try this again. It's another battle of your old rival, the Apple Sauce of Doom." Lelouch knew he sounded silly, but he had been trying to get his son into more than just baby goop that was baby food.
For whatever reason his son wanted to play with apple sauce than eat it.
"Beansprout?" Suzaku echoed with confusion.
"In the first ultrasound he looked like a little bean. So his nickname is Beansprout." Lelouch scooped a bit of apple sauce in the spoon. "Open up."
Ten minutes later apple sauce was everywhere. Lelouch was at his wit's end, for not even Rolo or Shirley could convince the boy to eat the food. And they were his favorite people aside from Lelouch. After the mess, the infant was starting to fuss after almost everyone made an attempt to get him to eat the apple sauce. Then Milly had the bright idea to let Suzaku try.
"How about letting Suza give a try?" She perked up at the idea with a glint in her eye.
"I refuse." Lelouch automatically responded.
Before anyone could get on his case, two people barged into the council room. To his annoyance, Lelouch recognized two of the seven Knights of the Round. Gino and Anya walked in. The short girl took a picture of the scene without consent, while the blond young man slung an arm around Suzaku's shoulder.
"Hey, so that's where you've been! Oh, what a cute baby! Whose is it?" Gino was happy go lucky and obnoxious.
Lelouch focused on the young girl.
"Excuse me, but can you ask before taking pictures of my son?" He narrowed his eyes at her.
There's something...off. With her. I feel like we've met, but she's younger than me and this is the first we met. Does she have Geass? No...remnants of Geass...
The feeling of Geass was different with her than with Rolo. It felt more she was under the influence of a Geass, similar to Suzaku. Only hers had his senses go haywire in comparison to his old lover. He would have to ask C2 about it later. He had yet to inquire about how he was more aware since his first visit to Kanime Island.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I was supposed to ask? I will do so in the future. I like taking pictures to remember." Anya spoke softly, eyes still focused on her device. Her emotionless voice reminded him of C2, but different at the same token.
"Oh, so he's yours? Then who's the lucky mother?" Gino leaned forward, arm still around the brunette, which in turn pulled Suzaku to lean forward over Lelouch's shoulder.
The dark haired teen glared daggers, feeling way too crowded with Gino over one shoulder and then Suzaku over the other. He was about to snap at them when Shirley came to his rescue. Or tried to, anyway.
"Lulu is the one who gave birth."
"Which one of you is Lulu?"
"The one you're crowding around. Now do you mind? I'm trying to feed my son." Lelouch was debating whether or not it would be worth slapping the blond knight away.
"Wait, you're a girl? But your uniform..."
"I am trans. Now would you please give me some space?" Lelouch was close to a breaking point.
Sensing he was about to blow up, Rolo scooted the high chair closer to him. If Lelouch was about to go mama bear on the knight he figured he should at least get Elijah out of the crossfire. Suzaku then scrambled to get out of Gino's strong hold and pulled the knight away from Lelouch.
"I'll meet up with you two later, okay? Just give me a minute." Suzaku stood between Lelouch and Gino.
"Aw, but I was about to ask who the father is! Unless...is it you? The kiddo looks a little like you. Suzaku, why didn't you tell us you were a young father!"
Lelouch watched the spectacle with a mix of curiosity and horror. This was a Knight of the Round? He was like an immature male version of Milly! Even so, he knew better than to underestimate how different he could be in a fight in comparison to in person. And he had no idea what to think of Suzaku standing up for him.
I don't need your protection.
Even so, the action was enough to soften his heart, even just a little. It made him rethink his decision about not allowing Suzaku have any part of Elijah's life. But a part of him couldn't help but wonder if this was all just an act. Suzaku was already responsible taking away his memories of Nunnally, would he take Elijah away from him, too?
"Gino, I'll explain later. So can you please leave? We can meet up somewhere else." Suzaku pressured.
When Gino continued to whine about wanting to get friendly with all of Suzaku's friends, Lelouch had enough. He abruptly stood up, pulled his son out of the high chair mess and all, and walked out. He was so pissed off he forgot the diaper bag, let alone clean up the mess his son made. He heard hurried feet run after him, and he assumed it was Rolo.
"Lelouch, wait. Can I talk to you? Please?"
Hearing his voice made Lelouch stop. He was frozen in place, shocked to the core. Suzaku caught up to him, but stood behind him, knowing that it was best to have Lelouch turn around and talk to him. He knew if he saw his face now then Lelouch would become angry again. For a moment Lelouch couldn't move let alone think.
"I know, what I did was wrong. I hurt you. I...I have no excuse for what I did. But I need to know why you didn't ever tell me? If I had known - "
"If you had known, you would have been there, is that it? After leaving me for someone else like that? Would you really have owned up to the responsibility?" Lelouch felt the tears threaten to fall, his voice reached a pained high pitch.
"Yes! I would have been there to support you through the whole time."
"You taking me by force isn't something I can easily forgive and forget. You left me, with no explanation at all, then soon after you lost the one you left me for, you raped me. What makes you think I would let you near this child after all you've done?" Lelouch was crying now as he half turned to glare accusingly at Suzaku.
"I am sorry." Pained green eyes bravely faced his gaze.
Don't you dare look at me like that.
"Are you saying that from the heart, or are you deceiving me just to take my son away from me?" Lelouch almost smirked at the flinch his words caused.
"Do you want me on my knees to apologize? Is that what you wish? To cry my eyes out for redemption, Lelouch?"
"..." He honestly didn't know what to say to that.
And when he was met with silence Suzaku actually did get on his knees and bowed. In the middle of an empty hallway at school, where anyone could walk by and see them. Lelouch stared, heart racing as he realized Suzaku was bowing like how the Japanese did, rather than like a Britannian.
I can't deny him like this.
"...Suzaku." He spoke the name like a command, and the knight raised his head.
"Get up, you fool. If you want to be a father, then get over here."
"You're... actually giving me a chance?"
"Against my better judgement, yes. Now follow me before I change my mind." Lelouch led the way, and Suzaku followed behind.
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For the first week, Suzaku was a nervous wreck. He was allowed over as a guest to help with the duties of being a parent. Lelouch had to teach him all of the basics of how to feed, change, and carry Elijah. At first Elijah didn't bond well with Suzaku, which stressed Suzaku a great deal.
"What if he would never like me?" He asked one night, helping with the dishes. Rolo was gone, supposedly with his friends to study.
"He will. Just give it time. He doesn't know you. He's lived his whole life with only myself, Rolo and the others in the council. Anyone new and he tests them." Lelouch assured, handing Suzaku a plate. For the briefest moment their hands touched. Lelouch pulled away a bit too fast, his cheeks flushed the faintest hint of pink.
"So a bit like you then." Suzaku chuckled. "Is there any of me in there?"
"I almost miscarried once. It happened just within the end of the two month mark, the beginning of the third month. The bean had stubbornness like a bottomless pit, and held on. So in that aspect he's like you." Lelouch didn't know why he was telling Suzaku this, but the story slipped through without his consent.
Killing Euphy with my own hands was almost my undoing.
"You...almost miscarried?" Suzaku paused in cleaning the food stain off the plate, a pained expression on his face.
"Everything turned out all right in the end. So it doesn't matter." Lelouch tried to assure him, but a rough hand gently held one of his. He looked up at the owner of the familiar hand, heart racing.
Why is he being so...supportive?
"You shouldn't have faced the pregnancy alone. And I shouldn't have left you like that."
Don't say it like that.
"...You're not just saying that because she's dead right?"
Suddenly he was pressed against the counter. Lelouch hissed in pain of the rough handling, as he made a mental note that he shouldn't have gone that far. He opened his eyes to meet pained green gaze. He was reminded that even with his growth spurt he was still shorter than Suzaku.
"What can I say or do that can get through that thick skull of yours that I just want to help? I don't have an ulterior motive, I don't want to hurt you, or take Elijah away from you. While a part of me wishes to get back with you, I want to be a father first. I know Elijah comes first and foremost. But if we're supposed to work together then why do you insist to question my every move?"
Because I don't want to feel regret. Regret that I should have told you long before Euphy's death.
"You disappeared for a year. What am I supposed to think? And now you're a Knight of the Round. I can't help but think you're up to no good, especially the timing of your arrival after Zero made his appearance. What will happen once Zero is caught, and you leave without saying goodbye again? I can't handle two heartbreaks from the same idiot."
"I won't leave you this time. I'll take both of you with me if I have to. All just so I can continue being a father and support you."
The atmosphere changed to a different tune then. Lelouch felt his face heat up once more. The soft and gentle expression on Suzaku's face reminded him of the brief moments they had been intimate the previous year. Lelouch felt his heart sink at the sight, as he almost allowed himself to believe he could accept the offer.
"I can't step foot in Britannia." It was too close to a confession. "After seeing what they have done here, I can't."
They were willing to kill me after my use to lure C2 out, that is something that can't go unpunished. Elijah wouldn't have anyone when I am gone.
"Then I'll ask them to have me stationed here permanently."
"Suzaku why are you even trying?"
"Because I want to believe we can work together."
"For what reason? For Elijah?"
"No, because I regret a lot of things. One of them was leaving you like an idiot."
Lelouch didn't know how to respond to that. Words failed him when he could face the world and take on Britannia, but clam up in exchanges like this. And as much as he knew he would regret it later, he leaned into Suzaku. His forehead met a shoulder, and shaking hands gripped at a shirt. A whimper escaped his throat and familiar arms wrapped around him.
Hold me and don't let go. Never again.
That night they never went beyond cuddling. And while Lelouch had his annual nightmares, when he awoke covered in sweat and panic Suzaku eased his fears and helped him go back to sleep. The knight held him close, and Lelouch fell asleep with the sound of Suzaku's heartbeat. Suzaku meanwhile stayed awake, watching the other sleep. A hand reached up to feel soft black hair. When morning came with Elijah's cries, Suzaku was already awake.
"I'll take care of him." He whispered into Lelouch's ear, who sighed as he relaxed.
Suzaku left the room and entered the adjourned nursery. He greeted his son with a smile as he picked him up. He went to work on changing him and setting him up for breakfast. When he was done with the diaper, the cries reduced to coos and giggles, Suzaku checked his phone. There was only one message.
Are you sure you're not getting too attached?
Suzaku put away his phone, setting aside his feelings. He picked Elijah up and carried him to the high chair. While he was gathering the baby food he started the coffee. Suzaku sat down and began feeding Elijah, who wasn't fussing that it wasn't his mom for once. When Suzaku was almost done feeding, Lelouch entered the kitchen, attracted by the smell of coffee.
"See, I told you just give him a little time. He likes you now." Lelouch smiled at the scene before him.
"Yeah, he's finally coming around to me." The smile was fake.
Lelouch stared, he knew Suzaku like the back of his hand. He knew when his smiles were genuine or fake. He hadn't seen a genuine smile since he saw the interaction between him and Euphy. Suzaku seemed to catch on that Lelouch noticed, and changed the subject.
"So, I have to ask. What made you decide on the name Elijah?"
"I don't know. I honestly didn't have any names picked whether the baby was going to be a boy or a girl. My head was more concerned on how to go about raising the baby on my own than anything else. Eventually Rolo spilled the beans to everyone else, and they all scrambled to help make the nursery happen and other stuff." Lelouch paused to make himself a cup of coffee before continuing.
"Milly took care of the clothes and most of the furniture. Shirley gave me some of her baby spoons, Rivalz bought the high chair and mini fridge in the council room. Molly's grandfather has us supplied for baby food until my graduation."
"Wow, so everyone contributed, it sounds like." Suzaku had a bitterness to his tone.
"The name came to me when I held him for the first time. I saw your brown hair with my eyes and face. And I knew then what his name would be. I named him Elijah Suzaku Lamperouge."
The spoon clattered, and Lelouch didn't turn around.
"But...that would mean he would be tested in the future for being half Eleven."
"To the public eye I named him after my best friend, who is now a Knight of the Round. If you prove to be the best of the other knights, then Elijah wouldn't have any problems. I didn't mean to burden you like this, but I was selfish when I named him. I wasn't sure if I would ever see you again. So I gave him that name as a means to have closure."
The silence was uncomfortable for the both of them.
"You were prepared to raise him alone. Without any help, including my own."
"How was I supposed to contact you after so long without speaking to each other? In the end I accepted help from everyone else. I realized that I couldn't tackle being a parent alone. The day he was born I almost contacted you - "
"What stopped you?" Those words made Lelouch flinch.
"I...I didn't want to burden you. You became a Knight of the Round. If word got around about you being a father and not married, none of us would have peace. My nightmares haunt me, but at least Elijah wouldn't have to have the same fate. I don't even know what the plan is from here, not without word getting out."
"Why are you worried about the publicity? I thought you liked that kind of stuff."
"I don't want to expose Elijah through the scrutiny as the son of Sir Suzaku Kururugi, born out of wedlock and by Lelouch Lamperouge, a nobody transgendered Britannian living in Area 11."
"You're not a nobody."
Of course you would say that. Is this a trap to get me to confess I remember everything?
"You're right. I'm just your childhood friend you fooled around with then left behind like trash."
"Lelouch stop. Now you're being over dramatic."
"Over dramatic? Perhaps. But I have every right to be. Now if you will excuse me, I have to get ready for class and drop him off at the daycare." Lelouch noticed the time, and he was already going to be late.
I can't skip today. Madame President is planning a party for Suzaku's return.
He should be used to the bitter taste in his mouth by now. But this time around it left him hurt, the pain was worse than before. Was this his own fault for allowing Suzaku put his foot in the door of his closed heart? He should really learn from his past mistake.
At the same token, he's trying. But we're both so bitter about the whole situation. Is this even the right time to try?