Chapter 46: The Child Bridegroom
[Scene: Zoi's bedroom. Kunzite has just proposed, so Zoi is staring at him in shock]
Kunzite: Will you marry me?
Zoi: Yes.
Kunzite: As in right now. On this very night.
Zoi: Yes.
Kunzite: Don't you want to think it over?
Zoi: I already have thought it over. Quite a lot actually.
[He kisses Kunzite and Kunzite kisses him back. The kiss goes on for quite a while]
Zoi: So what are we going to do? Sneak away to Vegas?
Kunzite: Somewhere a lot further away from here than Vegas.
Zoi: The Dark Kingdom?
Kunzite: [nods] I'll need to open a portal for you.
Zoi: This marriage. Will it be consummated?
Kunzite: Of course.
Zoi: When?
Kunzite: Tonight.
[Zoi is rendered completely speechless in light of Kunzite's complete about-face on the subject.]
Kunzite: [grins] Call me old fashioned, but I think that's a large part of the definition of getting married.
Zoi: Wait…what?
Kunzite: We're not doing this to enter into some financial arrangement, you know.
Zoi: So let me get this straight. You think I'm far too young to fool around with you, but I'm not too young to be married?
Kunzite: [Grins sheepishly] Well…if you fool around with me, and then decide you'd rather fool around with Chiba, it's certainly your right to do so. But if you marry me, and then decide to cheat on me with Chiba, I won't feel too bad about killing the both of you.
Zoi: [laughs] Like I could ever be with anyone but you.
Kunzite: [rises from the bed] I'll be right back. I have to inform the servants they have a wedding to prepare.
Zoi: You have servants?
Kunzite: [kisses him] We have servants.
[A short time later. Zoi and Kunzite cross through a portal into the Dark Kingdom. They are in a black stone castle of entirely alien dimensions. Zoi looks around in dismay since the place is dark and devoid of charm.]
Kunzite: This is my home in the Dark Kingdom.
Zoi: Do you come here often?
Kunzite: As often as I can. The darkness suits me.
[Zoi looks about glumly at the utter lack of anything pretty or organic. He can tell that he and Kunzite have very different decorating esthetics. He's determined not to be the sort of husband who comes in and leaves his mark all over everything to the point where Kunzite can no longer get comfortable in his own home. Still, he can't help but think a rose vine or two might do wonders for the place.]
[They enter a chamber that appears to be the side of a large ballroom, filled entirely with monsters, mostly female, that look like someone bred humans with various things they sell at Target. When the monsters see Zoi and Kunzite enter they fall to the floor in a show of submission.]
Kunzite: These are the servants I was telling you about.
[Zoi is a bit frightened at the sight of them, since they are hideous for the most part, but it's pretty clear they are more afraid of him than he is of them.]
[A few of the monsters look up and start chattering excitedly in some weird chirping language Zoi can't begin to understand. They smile and start advancing toward Zoi.]
[Kunzite barks out something stern in their language, but they ignore him and brush Zoisite's skin with their fingers and touch stands of his hair like they are girls at a mall who have found a particularly cute puppy. Kunzite tries to fight a smile.]
Zoi: What's going on?
Kunzite: They are enchanted by you. When I told them I decided to take a husband, they thought I meant someone large and cruel, like me or Nephrite. They weren't expecting anyone young or beautiful.
[He sees three that look like they are half woman-half flowering vine.]
Zoi: Those three are really beautiful.
[Kunzite speaks to them and they chirp excitedly]
Zoi: You weren't supposed to tell them I said that!
Kunzite: They feel very honored. They want to help you prepare.
[Kunzite gives him a questioning look, so he nods, and the three take hold of him and steer him toward another chamber.]
Zoi: I don't know what to do.
Kunzite: This is all pretty simple. Just go with whatever happens. I should warn you that Dark Kingdom weddings can be a bit frightening. Especially since you don't know what to expect. But telling you what to expect will probably frighten you even more. Just remember I'm here to protect you, so your chances of being killed, maimed, or seriously injured are pretty much nonexistent.
Zoi: Pretty much nonexistent?
[Zoi looks over his shoulder at Kunzite, but Kunzite just smiles at him and walks in another direction.]
[Zoi ends up at a room with a large pool that resembles an inverted ziggurat. The monsters pull him over to the edge of it.]
Zoi: Oh, I already took a shower right before I came here.
[They can't understand him, and even if they could it wouldn't make any difference. They led him to the center of the pool and pull off his clothing and hold out his arms and scrub down his skin. A woman who resembles an ogre arrives with a long green kimono and an ornate golden box.]
[After the bath they dress Zoi in the kimono, wrapping the sash several times around his waist and cinching it as tightly as they can. Then they dump the gold box onto the floor.]
[It contains a dozens of gold hair pins, each topped with a tiny ornament, no two exactly alike. Each of the monsters sifts through and takes the one she likes best and tucks it into her clothing.]
[As they work on his hair, Zoi tries to take one topped with a rose, but one of the monsters gives him a gentle slap on the hand and wags her finger at him. The others chirp in an amused fashion. The pick up the pins one by one and stick them in his hair.]
[By the time he rejoins Kunzite in the larger chamber, the pins are in his hair in a completely haphazard manner. He's glad the pins are about the same color as his hair and therefore pretty well camouflaged. Otherwise, he'd worry that he looks ridiculous. Kunzite is standing next to an obsidian block topped with a clear crystal on a gold stand. Kunzite's wearing a blue kimono, but his is lightly belted and worn in a disheveled fashion. Zoi can't help but smile when he sees how hot he looks in his robe. Kunzite stares when he sees Zoi and the others approaching. He looks happier than Zoi's ever seen him.]
[Half of the room is now blocked off by a thorny looking hardwood trellis that looks suspiciously like a security gate. The majority of the monsters are watching from behind that. Zoi would like to ask about that, but from the chanting he assumes the wedding has already begun.]
[He's led to stand opposite of Kunzite and just stands straight, the chanting becoming hypnotic. He notices the crystal on the stand is glowing ever so faintly.]
[A monster dressed like a priestess comes out with a chalice and bows between them before handing the chalice to Kunzite.]
[Kunzite drinks half the wine inside, then hands the chalice to Zoi, who drinks the rest. The monster rises, takes the chalice, and a pin from Zoi's hair, and leaves.]
[Another monster approaches with a dagger. She bows and hands the dagger to Kunzite. Kunzite takes hold of Zoi's hand and swipes the blade down his palm. The blade is so sharp Zoi doesn't feel a thing, but blood wells up almost immediately. He takes Zoi's other palm and repeats the process. Then Kunzite gives the blade to Zoi and holds out his own palms.]
[Zoi touches the blade to Kunzite's skin as lightly as he can, then presses a little deeper until he draws blood. Once both palms are cut, Kunzite takes the dagger and hands it back to the monster, who pulls a pin from Zoi's hair and leaves.]
[Then Kunzite clasps hands with Zoi, lacing his finger with his, and then slowly kneels so that he is resting on his knees. Zoi copies him, so that they are kneeling on either side of the obsidian block with the crystal between them which is starting to glow, increasingly brighter and brighter.]
[Soon Zoi falls into a deep trance where he is aware of nothing but the sound of the chanting and the light of the crystal glowing in front of him. He finds himself chanting as well, though he does not know what the chant means, if anything.]
[Despite Kunzite's warnings, Zoi isn't finding the ceremony to be frightening in the least. A little macabre maybe, but certainly not frightening,]
[Eventually the crystal glows so brightly it wakes him from his trance. He looks at Kunzite, who seems to be stirring as well.]
[They rise to their feet. ]
[ The crystal shoots out a beam of rainbow light in all directions. All at once there is a hideous screaming. The monsters behind the partitions start hissing and shrieking with their fangs bared. Their eyes, which looked upon Zoi so adoring just a few seconds ago are now filled with bloodlust. They bite and claw to get through the partition. To Zoi's horror, it looks as if the partition is not going to hold for more than a few seconds.]
Zoi: [terrified] Kunzite! What's happening?
[Kunzite is watching them, grave, but unsurprised.]
Kunzite: [grabs Zoi's wrist and backs away] This is the part of the ceremony where we run.