Hey all! I'm behind on responding to reviews, but I'll try to catch up in the next few days. Sorry about that.

Okay, so I'll admit it. This is the straight-up saddest thing I've ever published. This chapter is ANGST from start to finish and gets worse and worse. And I'd apologize for it, but I can't. It's the story that needed to happen and this is where it needed to crash and burn.

For those concerned about certain characters behaving...oddly. Let me just say this: stick with me into Act 4. I know, I KNOW that the are not themselves. Trust me, it isn't me bashing anybody. There is a reason for everything. And before you know it, things will shift once again, just as abruptly. And, in their way, just as painfully.

I want to leave a specific response to Crazy Craving who didn't log in (or doesn't have one) – thank you so much for leaving such an amazing review! Let me just say that I understand all of your concerns and I am so very glad to have pulled you in. If you do have a login, shoot me a DM and I can respond to more specifically. Otherwise, just a general thanks for being awesome!

One more chapter after this one in Act 3 which is going to change everything and we'll be onto Act 4. And all the truths, hard and welcome, that come with it.

Enjoy!

Chapter 3: Falling

When Donatello left the dojo the morning after Usagi's visit, he found he had a text from April.

Okay if we come down today?

He responded at once. Sure. Whenever you want. I'll be here all day.

A minute later, April replied, Sounds good. We'll bring lunch and be there in an hour or so.

Don glanced around the lair. He drew his Moving Book from his pocket.

An hour is plenty of time. I can at least fix the half-pipe and maybe get a little more done in at least one other room.

Donatello lost himself in his work, so when the security system sounded the tones for Casey and April, he almost dropped the stack of comic books he was meticulously arranging on the shelves in Michelangelo's room in surprise.

The tones also made him chuckle as he finished up and headed down to the main area to greet them.

Don had programmed his security system to make a specific noise for everyone who had a Shell Cell and a code to the lair, sort of like a personalized doorbell. Casey's was the goal buzzer used in Madison Square Garden during hockey games. April's was a slightly-robotic female voice shouting "Eureka!"

Because Casey tended to walk a bit faster than April, his signal sounded first, so it resulted in a sequence that sounded as though someone had scored a goal – and an AI watching the game did not yet understand how to properly celebrate.

Don easily hopped the balcony and landed on the floor just as Casey and April entered, laden with bags from their favorite takeout Thai place.

"Hey Donnie!" Casey called.

"We got your favorite, without the dangerous hot peppers." April smiled at him.

It seemed so normal, and it should have been. But it wasn't. Both Casey and April had bags under their eyes heavier than the ones in their hands, and their clothing carried the faintest smell of smoke about it.

Don set the table, trying to follow their lead in making normal chatter as they settled, but there was a weight to it all that was so thick he thought it might suffocate them.

Only when they had eaten did Casey clear his throat.

"So, Donnie. Uh…"

Don looked up at them, and he dipped his head. "It's okay. Whatever you have to say. Don't worry."

Casey sighed. "Well, me and April talked last night at the hotel and...well, we made a decision. And it ain't exactly fair to you, ya know, but with Purple Dragons tryin' ta burn down our place, I think maybe fair went out the window a while back."

"You're telling me," Donatello said with honest feeling.

April jumped in. "We...we only have a few choices, and the one that's most logical is the one that isn't fair to you."

Ice crawled into Donatello's chest.

"See," Casey said, "between Dragon creeps makin' our lives miserable and...my mom...well, we was thinkin'..."

And Don understood. He finished the thought before Casey could, as though making the cut himself would hurt less than letting the necessary decision tear him apart.

"You're leaving."

"Just for a while," April rushed to say. "Until things here calm down. And it will give us the chance to help Casey's mom. She lives alone and this is hard on her."

"Ya know, we thought about bunking here with you," Casey said, "since you have about the coolest place ever going down here. But it's too risky."

Donatello nodded. He'd reached that conclusion himself. "Unless you stayed down here without ever going to the surface, at some point somebody would see something. And if the Purple Dragons are looking for you, they'll eventually follow you."

"And we can't stay down here full time," April said. "Casey's mom needs us."

Something in the back of Don's throat wanted to scream I need you, but he forced it back. "So where are you going to be?"

"Ma's going to put us up in her place in Peekskill for now," Casey said. "It'll be a little small, but at least it's far away from Purple Dragon Headquarters."

"Yeah," Don agreed. "They won't go looking for you that far out of the city."

April reached across the table to touch Don's arm. "I know this will make it harder for us to see you, but I want you to know that you are welcome there. Casey's mom understands how important it is for us to spend time together."

Donatello drew in a deep breath. When he turned to April, his voice was controlled and his smile was mostly genuine.

"I understand, April. I really do. And...we'll make it work, okay? We'll figure it out."

Don forced himself to believe that until they left a while later, after taking yet another tour of the lair and exclaiming with only sometimes-forced enthusiasm for his work. But as soon as the heavy door slid closed and locked behind them, the rattle of panic that had been buried deep broke loose.

They're leaving.

They're leaving me.

Like Leatherhead and Professor Honeycutt will leave sooner or later.

What will I have when everyone is gone?

But before those feelings could build into more distress than Donatello dared allow himself, he ruthlessly quashed them, breathing deeply until he nearly gave himself stomach cramps.

It was a technique he had been forced to learn in order to serve as a medic for his family – detached and collected. If pressed, Donatello had control over his emotions more than equal to the total lack of such control practiced by Raph.

The downside, of course, was that at some point all that pent up anguish and fury and grief would break free of the moorings Donatello wove to keep them at bay, and they would unleash their force in one horrible, uncontrollable maelstrom.

But if I wait long enough, there won't be anybody to see, so what does it matter what happens then?

Don slowed his breathing and found that he had clamped his hands so tightly around his Moving Book that he had left grooves from its edges in his skin. He forced himself to let go and shake out each had one at a time while he used the other to flip to his place in the Book.

Nothing to do but get back to work.

-==OOO==-

For the next unending days, Don fell into a pattern. He worked feverishly every minute, stopping only to eat when the Moving Book had an open space and his body shook from low blood sugar. He slept in hour-long spurts rather than a larger chunk because any more sleep brought with it intensely disturbing nightmares, one of which had been so bad he threw up over the side of the bed.

And when his feelings pressed in and sleep would not come, he trained in the dojo until his knees shook and the floor was wet from his sweat.

Leatherhead and the Professor emailed and called, but Donatello begged off an actual visit via the excuse of helping April and Casey prepare to move; April had called Leatherhead herself to tell him about the plan and the diagnosis. Thankfully, Leatherhead failed to realize that April and Casey needed only one day to gather their remaining, un-charred things and leave, so Donatello was spared having to deal with anyone but the ghosts that filled his lair.

He did get a few texts from April as she settled into life with her mother-in-law in a tiny two-bedroom apartment on the second floor of a shared house. Mostly, April texted to tell Don her feelings so she didn't voice them to Casey or his mom.

Donnie, if I ever smell like old lady, you have my permission to wash me and all my belongings in whatever substance will get rid of the scent.

Cheese goes on the LEFT. I got another lecture and demonstration of the crisper drawers again.

Casey's not a mama's boy, but I sort of wish he was right now. At least then she'd spend more time doting on him and less finding ways to vent her feelings on me. I know she's sick and scared and probably can't help it, so I try to be nice. Nice is hard some days.

Did you know there's apparently a wrong way to hang magnets on a fridge? Neither did I.

I'm at the laundromat for what feels like the tenth time this week. I keep trying to tell her that she doesn't have to wear her best clothes just to get tested at the hospital, especially since she's just going to take them off anyway. Evidently this means I have no class.

No, thank you, I would rather not compare the needle marks from today's blood-draw to yesterday's. Thanks for asking, though. Oh, wait. You didn't.

Sometimes he replied, sometimes he fed her a useful comeback, sometimes he just sent a smiley face so she knew he'd gotten it. But he was careful not to trouble her with his own feelings, no matter how down he got, and he make a real effort to be supportive even with just a short message in return.

Sixteen days after Casey and April left, Donatello checked off the box on one item in the Moving Book he had been dreading more and more: Preliminary calculations for coordinates to Edo.

Because now he had no choice but to go back to Usagi's dimension; he couldn't point the portal stick to Edo until he did some testing at coordinates he already knew.

Hey, on the bright side, maybe I can find Raph or go see Mikey. They deserve to know about April and Casey and everything. Maybe they'll want to come back to help bash in some Purple Dragon heads.

Maybe they'll see the lair and want to stay a while.

Maybe it'll feel like I have brothers again and I'm not alone in the world.

But even as he gathered his supplies and powered up the portal stick, Donatello felt a deep foreboding pressing heavily against his gut.

Even so, it can't get worse. Can it?

Unfortunately, the answer to that question would turn out to be – yes. Significantly.

-==OOO==-

Having learned his lesson the last time, Don adjusted his portal to appear in Usagi's dimension outside the castle wall to avoid yet another confrontation with the guards. He chose a spot away from the village as well, down a small hill and within a clump of trees so he wasn't immediately visible to the guards on the wall or from the road.

I'm glad that this area has pretty mild Novembers compared to home. It's still plenty warm, and the woods are still green. Easier to blend in.

I am not interested in dealing with anybody today if I can help it.

Okay. Time to get to work.

For about two hours, Donatello used the portal stick and his bag of other equipment to take a series of readings. He wandered the forest around the village to get a number of examples, building up a map of dozens of known coordinates all around the castle. He ventured into a few of the farmers' fields as well for variety, employing all his ninja stealth to pass unseen.

With almost eighty data-points, Donatello sat down in the hollow of a large tree's roots to do some calculations. In the mild wind and the sun-dappled shade, his fingers flew across his notebook with a speed better than a calculator, and the complex work lulled him into a nearly meditative sort of peace.

Which was broken when a weight smashed into him from behind.

Donatello's reaction was pure instinct. His notebook and pencil fell from his hands as he bent with the blow, kicking his legs out and curling his plastron down to the ground, causing his attacker to roll down his shell. Shifting his weight, Don pushed backwards with his arms and curled his legs, which sent him back against the tree trunk. His feet hit the bark and he kicked off again, this time into a forward roll in midair.

He hit the ground in front of his attacker, already pivoting on one foot and drawing his bo defensively.

Lying on top of Donatello's notebook and equipment was a burly bear in mismatched clothing carrying several knives on his person.

"What do you want?" Don demanded. He was watching his opponent carefully, but he was most concerned about the portal stick in the bag to one side. If that got smashed, he wouldn't be able to get home.

The bear sat up and snarled. "Ninja dishonor!"

"What, because I didn't let you clobber me from behind?" Don shot back. "You're the one who attacked me without warning!"

Before the bear could reply, Don's head snapped up. "Come out! I know you're there!"

Fifteen more armed creatures of various types began to melt out of the trees.

Don spun his bo once. "I don't suppose it's too much to hope you're the welcoming party?"

"Actually, you ain't wrong about that, Donnie."

Don looked up as a familiar green shape dropped from the tree high above.

"Raph!"

Raphael landed in a crouch before he rose, grinning. "Long time no see, bro!" He strode over and punched Don in the bicep.

"What's this all about?" Don asked, smiling back. He glanced at the bear he'd upended as he returned his bo to its place on his shell. "Friends of yours?"

"Yeah. Figured we should see if you've been gettin' soft since I last saw ya. Guys, this is Donnie, my other brother." Raph waved his arm to encompass the group that was gathering around them. "These're some of the guys who been helpin' me keep things under control in the han. They ain't samurai or ninja, but they got somethin' to fight for."

There was a chorus of low greetings and a few nods of acknowledgement. The fact that no one bowed made Donatello feel simultaneously better and worse – better because maybe these guys would be more forgiving of his non-samurai status, worse because he didn't know if that meant they didn't like him already.

"So what brings you around, bro?" Raph asked. "Ain't seen you in what feels like forever."

Donatello bit back the instinct to give Raph an exact number of weeks, days, and hours since they'd seen one another and just shrugged instead. "I was trying to figure out how to get the portal stick to open a doorway to Edo."

Raph nodded. "Going to see Master Splinter?"

"Among other things." Don looked more closely at his brother. Raph was wearing not the finer kimono and clothing from the last time he'd seen him, but the common garb of the farmers who formed his little band. He was also wearing shoulder armor and a pair of bracers.

I wonder if Mikey's the same way, assimilating himself into this culture so thoroughly it looks natural.

"So what's up in your world?" Raph asked.

"Your world? Not our world?"

Raph shrugged. "Sure. I've kinda got my own life now, you know. Don't need two worlds. I'm movin' on. So, yeah, yours and mine. You gonna tell me what's up in yours?"

Don fought to keep his voice even. "A lot, actually."

"Yeah?" Raph looked to the others. "We good takin' a break so I can catch up with my bro?"

"Whatever you say, Raphael," one said. The group dispersed, including the bear who was still grumbling. Don took the chance to make sure nothing had been crushed in their skirmish while he began detailing all that had changed in New York.

Examining his equipment gave him an excuse to not have to meet Raph's eyes when he described how Casey and April had been driven from their home by the Purple Dragons. It didn't, however, prevent the predictable explosion.

"Shell, Donnie! You should'a wiped the floor with those clowns! How could ya let some punks burn down their place? You should'a protected them!"

Don flinched but he looked up with his own anger and met Raph's burning accusation head-on. "I tried! I'm just one turtle, Raph! Even with Leatherhead and Casey and April all fighting, we were outnumbered!"

Raph crossed his arms against his tunic. "And how many of 'em came back for round two because you only gave 'em a love tap instead of takin' them down the first time?"

Don thrust his things into his bag and got to his feet to face his brother. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I know you got this hang-up about not finishing your battles, but now people are gettin' hurt because you won't do what you gotta to win!"

"Are you suggesting that killing those Purple Dragons was the answer?"

Raph rolled his eyes. "Duh. Or did you get stupid not fighting for so long?"

"Not fighting? I was fighting all the time! Before the Dragons took out the shop, they were ambushing me every time I went outside!"

"That's my point!" Raph yelled, leaning forward and poking Don's chest with a thick finger. "You should'a taken care of 'em sooner. Then they wouldn't have been able to hurt Casey and April."

Don's anger burned but suddenly a cold sense of wrongness filled him. When he looked up at his brother, it was with concern. "Are you okay, Raph?"

"No, of course I ain't okay! Our friends got their home torched on your watch!"

"That's not what I mean." Don kept his words measured and neutral. "You've never cared that I don't like to kill my opponents before."

"Sure I cared!" Raph spat. "But it didn't matter so much when you had me and Leo to cover your shell! Now that you're on your own and people are dependin' on ya, it's time to step up and stop fightin' like it's playtime."

Don actually stook a step back in surprise. "You've never said...nobody ever…"

Raph crowded into his personal space. "Just 'cause we didn't wanna hurt your little feelings doesn't mean we weren't coverin' for ya the whole time. Why do ya think Casey and I had to go out and bash so many heads? Because too many walked away if they were fightin' you!"

Donatello's head was swimming and his heart was pounding. "No! I won't...I won't believe it! How I fight was never a problem before we came here!"

Raph actually laughed in his face. "Or maybe it's that until we came here, we could overlook how bad you are at it."

The stung pride coiled in Don's gut and he drew his bo again. "I may not be a walking fist, but I'm just as much a ninja as you are!"

Raph's face curled into a cruel smile. "Aw, so little Donnie wants to prove how good he is, huh?"

"Any time you're ready."

Raph drew his own pair of sai. "Hey guys! Wanna come see what a real beat-down looks like?"

Even as he readied himself, Donatello's heart quaked. Everything about this was wrong. Raph was not cruel. Raph couldn't have been killing Don's opponents behind his back all this time. Raph wasn't like this.

...Was he?

Maybe the only way to know for sure is to see him fight. And it can't hurt to remind him that I'm not so easy to beat.

Cognizant of their audience, Donatello tightened his grip. "I'm not going easy on you, Raph."

"It ain't gonna matter in a minute, Donnie-boy."

Raph charged Donatello at speed, sai poised to strike. When Don caught the assault on his bo, his arms shook with the force of his brother's blow.

Raph's not pulling his punches at all. He's fighting like this is real.

The shock of that thought halted Don for a moment, and Raphael took advantage, slamming a foot into Don's gut.

Don stumbled back but didn't lose his balance and instead swung his bo, forcing Raph to dodge the overhand strike.

"You show him, Raphael!" "Don't let that turtle defeat you, Raphael-san!" "Teach him the meaning of strength until he bleeds!"

The shouting of Raph's friends around them reminded Donatello so sharply of his duel with Honda Ryome, it made something in his chest ache.

Are we...still brothers?

That thought froze any anger Don had been carrying in its tracks.

What the shell am I doing?

"Raph, this won't solve anything!" Don cried, even as he ducked another kick and blocked a stab of the left-hand sai.

"Not all of us can fix our problems by thinking, brainiac! Sometimes fighting is the only way!"

"Well, I don't believe that!"

Raph caught Don's bo in the prongs of his right-hand sai. He leaned close and growled, "And that's why you'll always lose."

Donatello didn't even seen the snap-kick coming until it collided with his head and he dropped to the ground blinking stars away. The cheering that erupted at his fall faded in and out of his hearing and Don could only focus on breathing and getting his eyes to see straight.

Raphael crouched on the grass beside Donatello's head. "You ashamed enough yet?"

"This is wrong," Don managed. "You're wrong."

"Let's get one thing straight, genius. You ain't right about everything and you sure as shell ain't right about me. And I'm gonna prove it to you one way or another."

Donatello took a deep breath as his instincts screamed in alarm. Raph had backed off and was calling for something from one of his hooting, jeering friends.

When Raphael reappeared in Donatello's field of vision, he held the receiver for the portal stick.

"Leo left this behind in case you wanted to come talk to me. But I'm gonna tell you right now, I ain't listening to a single word you say again until you either kick my shell in a real fight or bring me proof you ain't fightin' like it's ametuer hour anymore. You got me?"

Don blinked. "Proof?"

Raph's smile was dark and feral. "You know what I mean. Or you're gettin' stupid as well as soft."

Donatello did. It made his heart hurt with a wash of red-hot pain. "I can't...I won't do that, Raph."

"Then we ain't got nothin' to talk about." And Raph dropped the receiver and threw both sai into it, impaling it. Then Raph slammed one foot down on the nearer sai's pommel, snapping the gadget in half.

Don pushed to his knees, then his feet, though he shook with the effort. "Raph…"

"Go home to your little toys and your video games or whatever the shell you do," Raph said with obvious disgust. "Don't come back unless you got a spine in there somewhere."

"Raph…"

Raphael stormed away, rejoining his crowd of friends who alternately patted him on the shell or punched his shoulder and turned to hurl insults at Donatello.

By the time Donatello's brain was working right again and his body was obeying his commands, they were gone.

Mechanically, Donatello gathered up his belongings, including the ruined pieces of the portal stick's receiver. He retrieved the portal stick and opened a doorway back to the lair.

But it was as though someone else entirely was moving his body, as if he were a puppet hanging from strings.

Everything felt numb.

Donatello entered the lair and dropped his bag where he stood. The portal stick he managed to return to its stand, though he didn't register the action.

He wandered into the dojo.

Raph. He…

Donatello crumpled to the mats in the center of the room and curled on his side.

I don't...understand…

He slid into darkness.

Donatello.

Donatello, my son.

Father?

My son.

You are a failure.

No...I can't be.

You are.

You are a disgrace.

This isn't real.

It is real.

It's real.

Leo?

I'm not here.

I am here.

We covered for you.

We let you be weak.

It's our fault.

My fault.

Your fault.

My fault.

You are weak.

I am weak.

I am?

We cannot be family.

You don't belong with us.

You are a failure.

I failed.

We don't need you.

I need you.

Nobody needs you.

I'll die.

Then die.

At least it will be honorable.

You're not honorable.

I'm trying.

Stop.

Don't try.

We need you.

We don't need you.

I love you.

It's my fault.

You are a failure.

You are weak.

Family no more.

Never again.

I don't love you.

Senseless, Donatello fought against specters and fears whose form was at one moment physical and the next only in his mind. Images of his brothers and his father swirled around him, sometimes comforting and sometimes attacking.

The floor was solid and sometimes it was cloud and smoke.

Reality was breaking.

And Donatello broke with it.

-==OOO==-

Donatello woke from one nightmare into the next. His Shell Cell was ringing.

Don pushed himself from the dojo mats and fumbled for it in his belt, noticing that his head was clear and the world seemed to be made of solids again. "April?"

"Donnie. Did I wake you up? I wasn't sure if you'd be awake already."

Don glanced at the time on the phone. To his surprise, eighteen hours had passed since the fight with Raph and he had only the vaguest idea where the time had gone. He cleared his throat, not wanting to think about that. "I wasn't, but I should have been. What's up?"

"I'm in the sewer, heading your way. I didn't want to surprise you."

Within fifteen minutes, April had reached the lair. Don met her at the door, trying to look like himself. Trying to look normal. Trying not to look like he had spent the night hearing voices and fighting ghosts.

If he managed it, it was only because he was giving everything he had to keep that frigid numbness in place as a guard against the reality of his feelings.

"Morning, April," he said, acting calm with all his power.

"Hi Donnie." April, on the other hand, looked pale and was fidgeting so hard she almost dropped her phone twice before she tucked it away as she moved into the room towards the couch.

"Do you want some coffee?"

April shook her head. "No. I mean, thank you. But not now."

All Donatello's instincts began to scream with foreboding.

She perched on the very edge of a couch cushion. "Donnie, there's...something I have to tell you."

Don sank to the seat next to her as his knees went limp. "April, you're scaring me. The last time we had this conversation, you told me Casey's mom was sick with cancer."

"I know. And, if anything, this is worse."

Don gulped. "Okay. What is it?"

She took a slow breath. "The cancer she has...it's more advanced than they thought. Her doctors are recommending she undergo an immediate transfer to a different hospital for an experimental therapy."

Don's heart turned to stone. "I see. So where are you going?"

A tear ran down her cheek. She could almost feel herself breaking her best friend with her answer. "Switzerland."

"And how long will you be there?" His voice was not cold; it was as kind and supportive as ever – and that was almost more painful to hear.

"The initial guess is four to six months. After that, they'll reassess."

April watched Donatello calculate. "You're going to have to sell the shop, aren't you?"

She hung her head. "There's no choice. It's in such bad shape already, it'll cost a fortune to fix up, even with your help. Casey's mom's place won't sell for as much as a corner location in Manhattan, even one in the middle of Purple Dragon territory. And the medical insurance, well..."

"April."

She raised her eyes to see Don looking at her with an expression she could barely parse. His eyes were haunted and almost glassy, but his voice and his face were deliberately, almost fiercely, gentle.

Don took her hands and held them in a warm grip.

"It's okay, April. If it were me instead of her, I know you'd do the same for me. If there were anything I could do, anything, I would. You have to take care of your family."

April shoved his hands aside so she could put her arms around him. "You're my family, Donnie!"

Donatello returned the embrace tightly. "I know. But Casey needs you. His mom needs you. You can't leave her with somebody like Sid."

That actually won him a groan from her. "She'd be better off with Hun than Sid."

"Exactly." Don lifted his head until his cheek leaned against her hair while April buried her forehead against his neck. "I'm not angry with you, April. Or Casey. This isn't your fault. And, honestly, I've felt better when you're both out of the city. The thought of the Dragons tracking you down…"

He trailed off before his voice went raw as he forced back the savage rage the thought generated. Rage was dangerous. Rage led to other emotions, and if those took hold, he might never push them back to where he could control them again.

"But you…" April whispered against him, "you'll be alone. I mean, we'll be hours ahead of you and who knows what phone calls will cost or if we'll have access to an internet connection..."

Don sighed. "I know you'll do your best. But I will still have Leatherhead and the Professor. I'll even have my brothers and Master Splinter once I figure out how to go see Leo in Edo. It...it won't be that bad."

April cried harder against him. "Don't lie to me, Donatello. Not now. Not about this."

Don's breath caught and his eyes burned. "I'll...I'll find a way, April. I promise. Somehow I'll...find a way to keep going."

"You better. Because when this is over and we come home, you're the first thing I want to see."

Don nodded against her. "So when are you leaving?"

"Thursday morning."

Don twitched in surprise. "Thanksgiving?"

"Flights are cheaper then, so…"

"Oh. That makes sense, I guess."

April tightened her grip. "Donnie...I'm sorry. If there were any way…"

"I know that."

"I don't want you to have to be alone on Thanksgiving Day."

"It doesn't really matter that much, honestly," Don said. "Alone is alone, you know?"

"I'll call Leatherhead, tell him what's going on. Maybe he can come keep you company or eat with you or something."

"Sure, April."

April knew that Donatello, her friend and brother and protector and co-nerd, was still there, holding her and gently rubbing a circle on her back. She knew it because she was holding onto him.

And yet somehow he seemed insubstantial in her arms, as if he were fading away. Folding inwards. Collapsing like a star that burns itself to death from within.

"Are you...going to be okay?" April ventured.

She could sense the quaking in his heart as he braced himself to answer her.

"It's...going to be really hard. I know that. But...I'm not giving up. I've gotta be here, you know? When the guys...if the guys…"

"Oh, Donnie." April's tears fell in sympathy for those he did not shed. "Isn't there...anything you can do?"

He swallowed and it lifted his plastron with the force of it. "I've...got a fix on Leo now. I'm going to talk to him. I keep thinking...if he really knew what was happening, he'd come home. He wouldn't want the Dragons taking over."

"And he wouldn't want you to be alone, either." But even as she said it, April wasn't entirely sure it was true anymore, and she almost hated Leo for making her doubt.

Don seemed to shake himself. "I'll help you get ready to go," he said in a more normal voice. "And then I'll go talk to Leo so I don't have to be here when you leave."

April could imagine it – Don sitting and watching from a hacked satellite feed or from within the airport computer system, tracking their flight taking off, staring at it as it tore away the only family he had left.

"If...if you needed me...if you asked me not to go with them, I…"

"Don't, April." Don's voice stopped her with its sudden, sharp coldness. "Don't even offer it. Please. Because I won't be able to say no if you give me that choice – and it's not right."

He pulled back and waited until she met his eyes. April was not surprised that at last his were as wet and streaming as her own.

"April, whatever happens...you need to be with Casey and his mom. You have to go. Please. Don't...don't make me have to…"

April nodded and shifted her hands to cup his damp cheeks. Don echoed the movement and held hers as well. Neither could have told which of the pair of them was shaking harder.

April breathed in like a tiny sob. "Donatello...you are the most unselfish...loyal...wonderful brother I could ever ask for. You deserve...so much more. From all of us."

Don's breath hitched. "So do you, April. I'm...so grateful...to have a sister like you." His face twitched as though his grief were battling within his skin to escape. "Thank you for being my family."

"Thank you for being mine."

And though there were days yet before they would be parted by an ocean, they could both feel the goodbye in the air now, the farewell that would matter. For when the time came, they would both be resisting grief so much they would not be able to give their hearts freely.

So April and Donatello cried together for all they had lost – all three brothers and a father – and for the distance that would soon divide them from their last remaining sibling of this strange and wonderful family. They cried as though they would never see one another again, as though this were final and whatever the future held, it would not ever release them to reunite.

And both of them, privately, could not help but wonder if that might be true.

-==OOO==-

Donatello rose on Thanksgiving morning and had never felt so cold. The city was now void of the two humans who had made life bearable for the last months. Donatello's heart seemed shuttered in the ice that was making the streets a menace above.

He didn't bother to eat, nor to even peek in on the Parade that had been a staple of Thanksgiving mornings in years before. He didn't run through any kind of morning kata or training.

He only lit a stick of incense and set it to burn at the small family altar, though he could barely bring himself to pray more than a wordless plea.

Then he gripped the portal stick in hands that shook and keyed in the coordinates he had determined over the last few sleepless nights. As the doorway began to glow, Don found himself praying again, but not to Master Yoshi, this time.

Leo, please. I'm...at the end of my rope here. Please still be my big brother. I...I need you, Leo. Please be the leader and hero you've always been. Don't let me fall.

He stepped through into the city of Edo.

Donatello could have appeared within the Shogun's palace, but he figured that would definitely get him skewered. Instead, he appeared in a small alley Usagi had described close to one of the palace gates. He wore the purple kimono he had been given so long ago, and by and large he looked like he fit in with those citizens who inhabited the city.

But his heart could not have been more different. Even back in New York where he was now the only mutant ninja turtle in the world, he did not feel as alien as he did here.

It took Donatello the better part of two hours to talk his way through several guards before he was permitted to wait in an outbuilding between defensive walls that kept threats away from the Shogun. He had asked for either Leo or Master Splinter, and a servant had run off to inquire about them.

Sitting on a hard bench, Donatello nudged the portal stick where he had tucked it within his robes close to his body. He had come unarmed just to simplify things, so the solid weight of the gadget was his only reassurance.

This...this has to work. If it doesn't…

But that fear led to genuine lunacy and he quashed it with an effort that should have hurt except it had become commonplace. Donatello's very soul was filled with growing calluses now.

After another half hour of waiting, the servant returned.

"I regret to inform you that Master Splinter has refused to see you."

Donatello's heart dropped into ice. "He...what?"

The servant ducked his head nervously. "His words were...very strong. He...asked me to bar your entry to his chambers."

If Don could have moved, he might have screamed. Or vomited. But he could do neither.

The servant bobbed another bow. "But Leonardo-sama will see you if you will follow me."

It took all the strength Donatello had to rise from his bench and make his legs carry him.

Master Splinter...doesn't want to see me? I don't understand. I don't… How can this be happening? Why would he…?

Don didn't even bother to track where he was going. The serene gardens and well-ordered paths meant nothing to his mind in turmoil.

"Donnie?"

Donatello looked up and saw Leo, looking resplendent in the finest silks, sitting on a bench beside a quiet pool.

Before Don could answer him, the servant who had escorted him darted across the path and whispered into Leo's ear. To Don's surprise, Leo's face immediately clouded.

"Leo, I need to talk to you. Privately."

Leo nodded to the servant and waved him away. When he was clear, Don approached.

"What's wrong?" Leo asked, his voice betraying nothing.

"Everything! Everything's wrong! Raph's acting crazy and you came here without telling me and now Master Splinter's refusing to see me! I mean, what the shell is going on, Leo?"

Leonardo held up a hand. "When it comes to Raph, I've already sent someone to go check on him, and if there's anything to worry about, I'll take care of it. As for coming here without informing you, I already apologized to you in the note I left. You have to understand, I've been really busy."

Don blinked at him. "You're kidding me, right, Leo? You were so busy that you forgot to tell your brothers you were moving our father while he's still sick?"

"No, I didn't forget to tell them. I just forgot to tell you. It's not like I've seen a lot of you lately, Donnie."

"I know! And I'm sorry. But it hasn't been exactly a picnic back home, either. A bunch of stuff happened with April and Casey and…" Don trailed off. The look on his brother's face was cold and unfamiliar. "What is it?"

"Why did Master Splinter refuse to see you?"

Don let out an aggrieved sigh. "How the shell should I know? I haven't seen him in weeks!"

Leo tipped his head. "I assume he had a good reason. Perhaps he sensed that you have become somewhat irrational."

"Irrational!" Don reeled at the word. "Leo, I'm the only one making any sense lately! Something has changed, something big!"

"What exactly do you mean?"

"Since when does Mikey not care about his comic books or video games?"

"He's growing up, Donatello. You should follow his example."

Don ignored that with an effort. "Since when does Raph lose his cool with me because I don't kill people in fights?"

"He may have a point," Leo said. "If you are leaving yourself vulnerable to attack by an enemy you spared once before, you should not be surprised he disagrees. Raph of all people has the least patience for those who invite their own problems."

Donatello actually stamped his foot. "Leonardo! What the shell is wrong with you? You've never, and I mean never been this much of a jerk. Why are you acting like this?"

Leo frowned. "Have you considered that you're the one with the problem, Donnie? Mikey is off being a productive member of society. He's making friends, working hard, and even thinking about settling down. Raph is protecting my han, banding together with those of like mind to serve the people. And I have a lot more responsibilities now as Heir than I did as just your big brother. I don't really have time for you to throw a temper tantrum just because you're jealous."

"You think I'm jealous?"

"Yes, I do. I think you hate that you are the only one who couldn't live here and finally you're finding out that there is more to life than all your science and technology."

"And haven't you considered that maybe something else is going on?" Don asked. "Like maybe you're all wrong and I'm the only one thinking straight?"

Leo shrugged. "It's possible. In which case, I would trust Master Splinter above us all, as his perspective and will are incorruptible. But he has barred you from his presence. And now I am beginning to understand why."

"Leo, you need to trust me! This isn't right! Nothing about this is right!"

Leonardo crossed his arms and glared. "I do trust you, Donatello. I would trust my life to your hands. But you are wrong about this. You are getting emotional and it is clouding your judgment."

Don almost choked on his breath. "Clouding my… Are you even listening to yourself, Leo? Our family is falling apart!"

"I think we are growing into what we always should have become. If you cannot handle that, you should go back to the world you have chosen."

"It's our world! We should all go back! Please, Leo, listen to reason!"

"Enough!" Leo's voice rose in a sharp shout that caused Don to flinch; never in his entire life had his brother barked at him. It reminded him of how the Shredder and Karai snapped at their Foot lackeys. "I know what's best for this family, Donnie. You don't. Leave us alone."

Donatello's heart stuttered behind his plastron. "Leo...what are you saying?"

"You heard me."

"You're ordering me to go away?" Don's desperation grew. "I can't do that! I can't leave things like this!"

"Well, that's my decision. Go back to your dimension and leave the rest of us to pursue our lives as we see fit."

Don's hands curled into fists. "It's the wrong decision, Leo!"

Leo looked at Don with a gaze that was suddenly impersonal and remote.

"If you have forgotten how to follow orders, mine and Master Splinter's, then you have lost the way of our family. You are not suited to claim relation to us."

"I'm what?"

Leo rose. "As I am not Head of our Clan, I do not have the right to cut the Clan bond and release you from our family. Only Master Splinter can do that. I will speak to him when he is in better spirits to see what he wants to do about you."

"You...you're going to ask Sensei to...cut me off…"

"The ties of blood are only as worthy as the honor of those they bind," Leo said. "Until you learn better your place and recall your duty to respect and obey me, you will not be recognized as my Clan. I do not care what you claim back in your world. But here, you are not my brother until Master Splinter decides your fate."

Donatello stumbled backwards. To his surprise, a pair of guards caught him and held his arms in a grip he could have broken if he weren't beyond all feeling.

"Leo…please…" Don whispered, and tears gathered in his eyes.

Leo waved to the guards. "Ensure that he leaves through his magical gateway as soon as possible. And make it known to all guards that he is not permitted in the palace without my express permission. Should he be found here, he is to be brought to me immediately."

The guards bowed their heads.

Donatello blinked the harsh tears back. "Leo…"

Leo smiled, but it was a cold, almost pitying smile. "Go home and get your head back on straight, Don. If you decide to behave more correctly, I'll rescind the order and you can petition Master Splinter to visit him again. But while you're being so unreasonable, I can't risk you here in the presence of the Shogun."

"Unreasonable…" The word lanced like a blade across Don's heart. "You think I'm being…"

"That's enough. Now, go away, or I will have to order the guards to force you."

Donatello managed to find the portal stick in his robes and drew it. The guards did not impede him, though their grip was firm and warned they were ready to strike if he moved against Leo's commands.

"Leo…" Don whispered as his fingers keyed the coordinates without his input.

"Goodbye, Donatello." Leo turned away and started to leave, not even waiting to watch Don go.

The portal shimmered to life before him. Donatello couldn't have lifted a foot to pass through it on his own, but he had help; the guards gave him a shove and Donatello stumbled between dimensions back to the lair.

What the shell...Leo...cutting me off...not a brother...

What…

How…

And then Donatello's feelings reset with the abruptness of a computer crashing.

It's over.

A deep pain bloomed in Donatello's chest. Now the shaking moved from his fingers to his whole arm, his vision of Usagi's world bobbing up and down with the tremors that moved in him. He could have adjusted the portal stick to follow his brother through the palace, but he couldn't bring himself to try.

I'm not...welcome. I'm not...wanted.

Donatello forced himself to shut down the portal stick so he could set it on the nearest level surface before he dropped it. Or threw it. Or smashed it into a thousand unrecognizable pieces.

It's exactly what Raph said. He and Mikey...have their own lives now. They've moved on. They don't need me. They don't need anything here.

They've moved on without me.

It's not just moving out. It's not just living apart anymore.

We're...broken. And they don't want to fix it. They don't care anymore.

The shaking reached Donatello's knees. He managed a few stumbling steps away from his lab area and out into the rest of the lair that gleamed brightly, perfectly, shining and clean and now completely irrelevant. A waste of time. A lair built for a family that would never want it.

His eyes trailed over the half-pipe he had built for Mikey that would never be used. The meticulously arranged dojo complete with the weight-lifting equipment visible through the open door that Raph would never try. The garden in the subway car Leo would not cultivate nor seek out for meditation. The study with its hand-woven mats upon which Master Splinter would never kneel.

And Leo...he...he would disown me. It's only a technicality that he hasn't already.

I'm not his brother.

I've been cast out of the family.

The deep pain in Donatello's chest grew teeth and sharp edges that began to cut through him as though he had swallowed a grenade and its fragments were tearing him apart from within.

It's like they've died. And I'm alone.

I'm alone.

For the rest of my life.

Donatello gave a hysterical giggle. It should have been a sob, but it was laughter nonetheless, crazed and broken.

It was all for nothing. The lair, our battles, all of it. We should have died at the hands of the Shredder. Any of the Shredders. We should have let Bishop cut us apart on his lab table.

At least we'd have died together as a family.

Now...my whole life has been for nothing.

Grief and pain united in a whirl of despair and hopelessness in Donatello's heart. The shaking of his body became too much and he dropped to his hands and knees, his head hanging down like a broken horse's.

Alone. Nothing.

Alone.

Nothing.

A sound bubbled up from inside him, a sound Donatello could not have thought he was capable of producing. It began as a keening whine but quickly grew in strength and new dimensions of suffering. It seemed to bypass his throat and his mouth, emitting directly from his very soul.

Alone.

Nothing.

Donatello's entire world narrowed to that shriek and the pain it carried, though no sound, nothing audible in any universe could actually capture the sensation of his soul being ripped from his body and incinerated in a blaze of anguish.

Alone. Nothing.

Don's rationality shattered and he was left only with his agony.