Chapter 33

"What matters is to live in the present, live now, for every moment is now. It is your thoughts and acts of the moment that create your future. The outline of your future path already exists, for you created its pattern by your past." Sai Baba

The next week was very difficult for not only Livie but Reid as well. Livie didn't talk about what had happened to her but Reid knew how much she was hurting. She hid it well but the day after they had returned she made the mistake of flinching violently when Reid accidently brushed up against her. He instantly regretted it and wished that there was something he could do for her but it was hard when he couldn't comfort her.

When she had jolted in surprise after touching him he had leapt back a few paces apologising frantically. Livie held up her hand in a soothing manner and had tried to force a smile onto her face but had really struggled and hadn't been able to hide the ghosts in her eyes.

That night he had offered to sleep on the couch. Livie had looked at him and shook her head and told him that she wanted him with her. When he had slipped into bed he had stayed on the far side of the bed giving her as much room as possible. But it hadn't been long before she had looked over at him and asked him to hold her. He hadn't hesitated and had instantly moved over to her and wrapped his arms around her holding her in his arms. He barely moved all night not wanting her to feel alone. She cried out multiple times in the night and each time he woke her from her slumber holding her tight to reassure her that she was safe.

She was on heavy painkillers due to all her injuries and during the day they made her drowsy and lethargic. She kept wearing clothes that covered her arms and legs and she kept herself covered up and out of sight whenever she could and Reid found out why when he accidently saw her coming out of the shower wrapped in a towel. Her arms and legs were covered in heavy bruises and there were long scratches across her belly from the unsub's knife. He knew that that was making it difficult for her to move on when every time she looked at her skin all she saw was the shadowy reminders of what had happened to her.

On the third day JJ, Emily and Garcia came over. JJ bought Henry with her as Will was working. Livie smiled weakly at them and greeted Henry happily listening as he chatted away to her telling her about his school. But she still didn't seem to be eager to speak much aside from what was required to keep up her façade. After they had all settled in Emily told Reid that Hotch needed him to go over his statement and that they would stay with Livie until he got back. He was uncertain about leaving but eventually left knowing she was in good hands.

He went over to Hotch's apartment greeting Jack who jumped forward to greet him eagerly before disappearing off to his bedroom to play whilst Reid and Hotch sat down to talk about what happened. Reid kept to the story Livie had made up knowing that it wouldn't do either of them any good to both be under investigation.

Hotch seemed to know that he was bending the truth but he didn't comment. Once Reid was finished they sat in silence before Hotch asked "How is Livie."

Reid sighed "I don't know" he said "I mean she hides it well but she is struggling. She jumps every time I come too close when she isn't focused but at night she clings to me for dear life. I wake her from her nightmares but she is still terrified and there is nothing I can do to stop them."

He looked over at Hotch "How do I help her" he asked "I mean I want to help her but I don't know how."

"Reid everyone knows you are doing everything you can to help her" Hotch said gently "and there isn't much more you can do for her except keep doing what you are doing."

Reid sighed and dropped his head. "Reid" Hotch said "maybe you should try and distract her… give her something else to think about."

"But she won't leave the house" Reid protested. "Encourage her" Hotch said "she has been cooped up in that apartment for days now. She'll be getting cabin fever soon, try and think of something that will make her smile… because right now all she can see is the faces of those girls who were murdered right in front of her. Find something that will make her smile again."

"I don't know what will make her smile at this point Hotch" Reid said twisting his hands "you'll find something" Hotch said. Reid nodded and stared out the window before he looked back at Hotch "there's something she isn't telling me isn't there" he said "I know it… she's hiding something from me."

"Reid do not worry yourself over that" Hotch said immediately "Livie doesn't need you worrying. Don't dwell. She wants to forget and move on… and she wants you to do the same. I know you are curious. But for Livie… forget about it."

Reid was about to protest when he realised that Hotch was right; trying to push Livie into telling him what she was hiding was not going to help either of them. She would retreat further within herself and he would be left on the outside with no clue as to how to get back in.

"She needs you to trust her" Hotch added gently "so get back to her."

Reid smiled "thanks Hotch" he said as he rose to his feet "anytime" his boss said handing him his coat "keep me informed as to how she is." Reid nodded as he headed to the door "bye Jack" he called "bye uncle Spence" Jack yelled from his room as Reid shrugged into his coat and headed towards the door.

The whole drive home Reid struggled to think of a way to help Livie forget what had happened but found it too difficult. She had been through hell and it would be a while before she was able to dance in the rain again and stop and smell the flowers again.

When he arrived back and slid into the apartment he found JJ, Emily and Garcia sitting on one of the couches talking to Livie who had curled up on the armchair at a safe distance from them. She was sitting with her arms folded defensively across her chest but had a weak smile on her face as she talked quietly to her friends. Henry was lying on the floor in front of their TV which was displaying some cartoons. When he entered though his godson leapt up and dashed over to greet him "hey buddy" he said "how's it going"

Henry laughed and gave him a high five grinning as he did so. Looking up Reid saw a small affectionate smile slip onto Livie's face as she watched him interact with Henry. He smiled mentally cataloguing the sight for later on when he was trying to figure out how to help her move on.

"You ok" he asked Livie as Henry jumped onto his back trying to wrestle him to the floor. Livie nodded "hanging in there" she said with a smile. Reid eyed her trying to analyse her to see if she was lying. She stared back at him raising her eyebrows daring him to keep trying to profile her.

"How long do you get off work Spence" JJ asked. "A week" Reid said "what about you guys? Hotch got you some time off too didn't he?"

"We got four days" Emily said with a grin "so we plan to use our last day that as much as possible after that case."

"You all really deserve it" Livie said as she played with the cuff of her sweater almost nervously. They all quickly changed the topic of conversation.

They talked about mundane things for a while before JJ, Emily and Garcia decided it was time to leave. They said their goodbyes and promised to come visit soon before they slipped out.

Slowly Reid turned to look at Livie who was still curled up on the sofa. Slowly she smiled at him. "How did it go with Hotch" she asked. "Ok" he said moving over to her "I stuck to the story we said last time."

Livie nodded "Good" she said "I don't want you getting into trouble over me." Reid smiled awkwardly "do you need anything" he asked and Livie shook her head "I'm good" she said.

Reid could see she was putting on a brave face and considered confronting her about it but realised she was trying to protect herself and decided against it. So with a sigh he headed to the kitchen.

As he cooked dinner for her Reid continued to try and think of a way to help Livie. He hated feeling so helpless and he wanted nothing more than to see her beautiful smile grace her features once again.

He thought back to when it had briefly appeared on her face whilst he had been playing with Henry. She had smiled at the life and innocence before her.

That made him stop and think before he glanced over at Livie who was gazing out the window whilst playing with her necklace round her neck. "Hey I need to call Hotch about something" he called "you going to be ok if I step outside?"

She looked over at him and gave him a sceptical look "I'm a big girl Spence, I am sure I'll be ok" she said softly. He nodded and grabbed his phone and stepped out into the hallway calling his boss.

"Hey Hotch" he said when he picked up "I think I have found a way to help Livie. But I need your help… you couldn't get me some contact information could you?"

Two more phone calls later and it was sorted. He knew what he was going to do.

XO

The next morning he awoke very early and quietly crept around packing two bags for them whilst Livie slept. When he was done he turned to look at her. She looked very peaceful; almost content at first but as he watched she let out an uncertain mumble and began to shift in her sleep as the dreams taunted her. Instantly Reid moved over and sat on the edge of the bed "shh" he whispered catching hold of her hand and lifting it to his lips. "Livie… wake up love."

Livie mumbled and stirred before she lifted her head rubbing her eyes. "Spence" she mumbled pushing herself up onto her elbows. "What time is it" she asked "early" he said as she looked over at the clock "no kidding Spence it's 7.30 in the morning."

"The get dressed" he said holding out a pair of her jeans and a smart t-shirt. Livie eyed the garments uncertainly. "Why" she asked "where are we going." She asked apprehensively before giving a small laugh as he carefully dragged her to her feet. "Just come on" he said "we are going on a little road trip"

Livie eyed him uncertainly "I don't know Spence" she said uncertainly "I don't know if I am ready."

"You are" Reid coaxed "come on I have something planned but to his relief she complied and slowly pulled her clothes on and grabbed a warm jacket. Once they had had a small breakfast Reid took her hand and led her down the stairs to where her car was parked. "Get in" he said opening the passenger door for her and slowly she slipped in.

"Seriously where are we going" she asked as he drove north out of the city. "You'll see" he said "maybe you should take a nap, it's a long drive."

Livie didn't look so sure but she clearly trusted him so she shifted into a more comfortable position and rested her head back. It wasn't long before she had fallen asleep.

Reid smiled at the peaceful look on her face. He hoped this trip would help her remain peaceful.

As he drove he found himself remembering a lot of the good memories they had. He remembered the first time he had seen her in the elevator; hair slightly wet from the rain, eyes sparkling as she squared him up taunting him gently. He remembered seeing her in the Boston hotel lobby talking to her sister before they had walked down the road together talking together.

He remembered their first kiss in the pharmacy whilst trying to stop the unsub from leaving. He remembered the shock yet amazement he had felt as their lips touched; it had felt like electricity rushing thought him and when it was over he had felt almost light headed. He remembered their time at the Hamptons messing around in the pool dancing in the sea.

He had so many memories of her that he cherished and she smiled all the time. He wanted to make many memories of her smile.

It took him six hours to drive to his destination. Livie slept for half of it and woke up as they were passing New York. "So you are not taking me home" she commented and he looked over and smiled at her "we could always go visit on the way back" he said. She gave a small laugh "Kaylee would like that" she said "your magic tricks are all she talks about." He smiled at her.

They stopped for lunch at a small diner where Livie tried her best to smile the entire time. "So where are we going Spence." "You'll see" he said and she raised her eyebrows "I have to say, you being mysterious is actually kinda sexy" she commented and Spence smiled.

Then he looked at his watch "we should get going" he said "we have somewhere to be."

Livie frowned "where are we going?" she asked "You'll see" Reid said catching hold of her hand.

"OK mystery less sexy" she grumbled as she allowed him to drag her to her feet and out the door.

Reid drove for another two hours during which time they chatted aimlessly until they arrived at a small town. As they drove in Livie frowned and looked slowly at him when she saw the town name. "Stamford" she questioned. Reid grinned at before he drove another mile or so to the centre of the town where he parked up outside a large building and unbuckled his seatbelt "come on" he said again. Livie didn't argue this time. She just accepted she wasn't getting any answers yet.

They strode down the road before they stopped outside some gates where a lot of people were beginning to gather. Reid stopped a few feet away from the gates to the main building and leaned against the low brick wall surrounding it.

"Why are we here Spence" Livie asked perching on the wall next to him. Slowly he looked at her. "Because I see how you are struggling" he said "I see how you try to put on a brave face but you can't maintain it… I wanted to help you smile again."

"Spencer" Livie said but he cut her off. "You dream every night" he said "you cry out… you say 'it's not my fault' over and over again… you dream that the deaths of those girls is your fault don't you?"

Livie hesitated before slowly she nodded. "Livie it wasn't your fault" he said "you were tied up there was nothing you could have done."

"Doesn't mean I don't blame myself" Livie said "I know deep down it isn't my fault… but the guilt tells me otherwise."
Reid sighed and carefully wrapped an arm around her and hesitantly Livie leaned against him. "You need to forget about the guilt Livie" he said "forget about the lives that you couldn't save and remember the ones you did save… and that is what I want to help you to do."
Livie looked at him "How" she asked as a bell rang behind them and excited shouts sounded as the doors to the building burst open.

Reid grinned "well I did enlist a little help from someone" he said nodding towards the doors and Livie looked over as hundreds of children came pouring out of the building shouting and leaping around gleefully.

And amongst them was a little girl wearing a cute tan coat with a purple backpack on. She ran out giggling with her friends before they dashed off to their parents and she began to look around.

Slowly Livie slipped off the wall and headed inside the gate staring at the little girl who was clearly looking for someone. Then her gaze fell on Livie and she stopped before her eyes widened and a huge grin slid onto her face.

"Livie" she yelled as she dashed forward running towards her.

Reid grinned as a huge smile spread over Livie's face and she fell to her knees and the little girl collided with her almost knocking her over. If the motion caused Livie any pain she didn't show it she just gathered her up into her arms smiling the whole time as she whispered "hey Sophie."

Grinning Reid moved towards them watching as Sophie hug Livie tightly. "You came to visit me" she exclaimed as they pulled apart and Livie let out a small smile "yeah" she whispered "yeah I came to see you baby girl. How are you?"

"I'm so happy you are here" Sophie breathed and Livie gave a tiny laugh "I'm happy to see you too" she whispered "did you bring the team" Sophie asked and Livie shook her head "not everyone" she said "but I did bring someone."

Sophie looked over and a huge grin slid onto her face as she spotted Reid moving towards them. "Spencer" she squealed and she instantly dashed over to Reid who bent to scoop her into his arms. "Hey Soph" he said "man you've gotten big" he commented and Sophie giggled "I' seven now" she announced proudly.

She looked back at Livie who was rising to her feet "what are you doing here" she asked. "Well we were both missing you" Reid said "so I called up your new mom and dad and they said that we can take you out for the afternoon."

"Really" Sophie asked and Reid nodded as he set her down. "Come on" he said "we'll have lots of fun." Sophie grabbed hold of Livie's hand and began to drag her out of the school grounds and smiling Reid followed.

"So what is good to do round here" Livie asked as Sophie skipped along beside her "are there any good parks to play in."

"Yeah there's one over there" Sophie said pointing "how about we head over there and then maybe afterwards we can go to get some dinner" Reid said and Sophie nodded eagerly.

They headed back to Reid's car and Reid pulled the booster seat he kept in the trunk for Henry out and set it up for Sophie in the back of the car.

"Thank you" Livie whispered as Reid drove "this is exactly what I needed…"

Reid smiled "no problem" he said "I wanted to see her too."

Livie grinned and turned to look at Sophie who had begun to chatter excitedly to them.

"I like it here Livie. I didn't at first because I was scared and I had no one. But then I made some friends and Louisa started taking me pony riding and I love it… oh then last month Josh bought me a puppy. He's so cute I called him Lupo cuz Josh said it means wolf, he's so cute and fluffy."

"He sounds it" Livie said as they arrived at a park and Sophie spotted some of her friends and dashed over to greet them as soon as she leapt out the car. Livie and Reid both followed her at a slower pace before they settled on the bench watching her.

"She looks so happy" Livie whispered "I am so glad she is happy… I have been really worried about her you know." Reid nodded "Me too" he confessed "I may have asked Garcia to check up on her a few times."

Livie laughed "that doesn't surprise me" she said as she leaned against him resting her head on his shoulder as they watched her run around with her friends for a few minutes before she ran back over to them and grabbed their hands.

"Come and play" she cried and slowly Livie leapt to her feet and took off after the little girl who dashed off laughing loudly.

"You have a beautiful family" a women said pausing beside Reid who started and began to explain to her that they weren't actually a family then he stopped and looked over at Livie chasing Sophie around the climbing frame and he found himself smiling and he looked at the women "thank you" he said before he rose to his feet and leapt towards Sophie as she ducked under the slide. She squealed as she saw him and tried to duck away but he playfully grabbed her lifting her up tickling her belly making her laugh and squirm as she tried to get away.

Livie laughed as she skidded to a stop beside them. "Chase me again" Sophie shouted as she wriggled free of Reid and took off out of the park into the field beside the playground.

Livie let out a laugh and took off after the little girl seemingly forgetting she wasn't meant to be running around. Grinning Reid took off after her and he soon found himself forgetting all of his worries as they played with Sophie for almost an hour before they all collapsed in a heap on the grass and Reid grinned as he watched Sophie wrap her arms around Livie's neck hugging her tightly. And Livie smiled as she hugged the little girl back.

"Let's get some food" he suggested and they looked up at him before they nodded and Sophie told them the name of her favourite diner near the mall.

Once they had ordered their food Reid decided to give Livie and Sophie some privacy so that they could re-bond. So he slipped out of the diner and decided to call Hotch and check in.

Livie smiled as she watched Sophie drawing on a piece of paper. "That your new mom and dad" she asked seeing three figures on the page. "No" Sophie said looking up at her and smiling "It's me you and Spencer." She finished off a few finishing touches before she pushed it across the table "it's for you" she said excitedly and Livie grinned "thanks monkey" she whispered pulling her into a hug.

When they pulled apart Sophie studied Livie with curious eyes "are you ok Livie" she asked and Livie forced a smile onto her face "I'm fine monkey what makes you think otherwise" she asked "you look sad Livie" Sophie said.

Livie shook her head "I'm fine honey… I just got a little hurt last week but I'm fine kiddo. I promise."

Sophie smiled at her before she looked back down at the paper in front of her. "Why don't you draw a picture for the team" Livie suggested and Sophie grinned and began to carefully draw all the members of the team.

Livie watched her for a couple of minutes before she sighed "are you happy here Sophie" she asked and Sophie paused before she looked up at Livie and nodded.

"You don't seem so sure" Livie coaxed and Sophie sighed "I am happy" she said "it's just…"

"Just what" Livie asked and Sophie fidgeted in her seat "I miss you" she said quietly before she looked up at her "I liked living with you Livie" she said "I liked hanging out with you and Spencer in the evenings and going to the park with Jack, Henry, Hotch and JJ. I liked coming to the office to see Dave, Morgan and Emily and I liked playing with Garcia in her office with all her cool computers. I miss that Livie."

Livie frowned "are you saying that you… want to live with me again" she asked and Sophie nodded looking up at her hopefully.

Livie sighed and looked away. Truthfully she missed Sophie so much. She had wondered many times about how the little girl she had rescued was doing and also wondered what would have happened if she had managed to keep her permanently and she had loved the idea of taking the little girl in.

But as much as she would love to take Sophie back to Quantico with her, she knew she couldn't. She had no legal claim over Sophie and she wouldn't be able to get any. She had no job and no idea of where she was going with her life. And there was no way Sophie's adoptive parents were going to let her go. And Livie knew that she wouldn't be able to care for Sophie the way she deserved. And Sophie was happy. She wasn't going to take that away.

She looked down at Sophie and smiled "I'd love for you to come live with me again monkey" she said reaching out to stroke the little girl's hair out of her eyes. "But you are happy honey" she said "you told me you were happy and that your new family were treating you nicely right."

Sophie nodded biting her lip. "You are happy Soph" Livie whispered "and you are making Josh and Louisa so happy by living with them. And they got you a puppy… I couldn't give you a puppy kid… my apartment doesn't allow dogs. Remember what I wrote in that photo album kid? 'Don't be so driven by your past that you throw away your future'… remember honey, look to the future… you have one of those here… you belong here… not with me."

Sophie sat silently listening to her as she spoke before dropping her head. She stared at the table for a few minutes before she looked up "you're right" she mumbled and Livie smiled "of course I am" she teased before she pulled the little girl into her arms "I'll always love you Sophie" she whispered "but I just want what is best for you honey. You know that right."

Sophie nodded "I love you too Livie" she mumbled "will you visit me again."

"Of course" Livie said spotting Reid coming back into the diner once again "I'll be there if you ever need me… I promise."

She continued to hug Sophie until Reid stopped in front of the table "am I interrupting" he asked and Livie shook her head with a grin as Sophie looked up at him "come sit down Spencer" she said "do you know more magic tricks, everyone at school loves the one with the disappearing coin."

Reid grinned "sure I'll see what I can do" he said and Sophie grinned "I'm going to get more crayons" she said as she leapt up and dashed over to the bench. "You know with that little trick you could turn her into a little pickpocket" she said and Reid winced "yeah let's hope she stays away from that sort of life" he said "and I'm sure she'll be fine." Livie nodded as Sophie scrambled back into the booth between beside her again.

They enjoyed their meal and both Livie and Reid enjoyed hearing all about Sophie's new life. Once they were done they took Sophie round the mall where Livie bought her some clothes and other little treats before it was time to take her home.

When they pulled up outside the address Reid had been given Livie turned in her seat to look at Sophie. "Here we go then monkey" she whispered "let's get you inside."
"Will you come in" Sophie asked immediately and Livie smiled as she clambered out of the car and she opened the door for Sophie.

"We'll see" she said softly.

Sophie dashed up the front steps and opened the front door running in shouting out to her parents. Louisa appeared at the door smiling "hi there" she said "good to see you again Livie." Livie grinned "thanks good to see you too" she said "it was good to see how happy Sophie is here" she said softly.

They were invited into the house for a drink where Reid promptly moved away from Lupo the dog who began to bark at him whilst laughing Livie went down on her hands and knees to greet the large ball of fur that gambled over to greet her.

Livie talked to Josh and Louisa for a while whilst Reid taught Sophie a couple more magic tricks. "We can't thank you enough for finding her Livie" Louisa said "she is the best thing that has ever happened to us. We love her and we are so glad she is part of her lives."

Livie smiled "I am glad" she said "I am so glad that you took her in. I can't imagine a better family for her." She looked over at Sophie who was trying to encourage Reid to say hello to her dog.

"I'm glad she is happy" she added watching the little girl giggle as the dog licked her. They stayed a little longer before it was time to get back to the hotel they had booked themselves into.

That night when they lay together cuddled up in bed Reid carefully kissed her neck. "Do you know why I brought you here Livie" he asked and slowly she rolled over to look at him "to help me smile" she tried and he grinned "Partly" he said "the other part was to remind you that you can't save everyone."

Livie's smile faltered slightly before she retained her composure as Reid propped himself up onto his arm "you can't dwell on the bad Livie you have to focus on the good. You couldn't save those girls. But you did save Sophie. You saved her life and helped her recover so that she could have a new family and have another chance at life. Don't focus on the bad Livie. Focus on the good."

Livie smiled and reached up to stroke his hair "you really are a genius aren't you" she murmured "you always know how to make me feel better." Grinning she gently kissed him on the lips before wriggling closer to him.

Smiling Reid wrapped his arms tighter around her kissing her hair. "I'll always be with you" he murmured "whenever you need me… I'll always be there for you."

"I know" Livie whispered "and I'll always be there for you too"

Reid carefully wrapped her in her arms trying to make her feel secure as she snuggled into him resting her head on his chest and it wasn't long before she had fallen asleep.

Reid didn't go to sleep immediately. He just stared at her as she lay there clutching at a handful of his shirt. He hoped that their little trip would help her begin to move on.

Slowly he lowered his head down to rest above hers closing his eyes as he breathed in the scent of her long hair that always reminded him of the smell of cherries.

"I love you Livie" he whispered "I love you and I will be there for as long as you allow me. And I will never give up on you… I'll always love you… always."

'Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment' Budda