Chapter 81: The Power of the Parfait

[Scene: The Osa-P jewelry store. Kunzite is advancing on Naru Osaka with an energy blade in his hand. Naru is staring him down with her hands on her hips, seemingly oblivious to how much danger she is in. Neffy is trying to pull Kunzite back with the chain that is tethering Kunzite's wrist to Neffy's neck.]

Neffy: What are you doing! That is an innocent little girl!

Kunzite: An innocent girl who is about to get Zoisite killed with her meddling.

Naru: I'm not meddling. I live here.

Neffy: [pleading] Come on, Kunzite…Have a heart…let her go.

Kunzite: [looks at Neffy in disbelief] You made her steal a necklace for your trophy collection, knowing it could ruin her life. Why do you even care?

Neffy: I have no idea. Just, please, let her go.

Kunzite: [shakes his head] I can't let her go. She'll talk.

Naru: You're damn right I'll talk!

Neffy: Naru! [pulls harder on the chain but ends up getting dragged.] You can't kill her.

Kunzite: I have to. She's going to call 911 the moment we leave here. I can't deal with this now. She's going to get Zoisite killed and I can't allow that.

Neffy: Drain her energy. Knock her out.

Kunzite: I can't keep her knocked out until one o'clock.

Neffy: She can come with us.

Kunzite: [shakes his head again] The Blackmoons said not to bring anyone who isn't a Shitennou or they'll cut Zoisite's throat.

[Kunzite is drawing close to Naru]

Neffy: Kunzite! Stop! Don't do this! I'll help you save your little buddy!

Kunzite: [doesn't even slow down] Of course you will. You have no choice. That has nothing to do with the situation at hand.

Neffy: Think about what you're about to do! How messed up this is! That is one of Wifey-boy's best friends! If you murder her, he will hate you forever!

Kunzite: You don't get it, do you? I WANT him to hate me forever! I deserve to be hated by him!

Neffy: You don't have to do this. Just do that trick where you tamper with her memories. Make her remember some freak explosion.

Kunzite: I'm not in the mood to tamper with her memories. She'd have to cooperate and I'm not in the mood to make her cooperate. I'm in a killing mood right now.

Neffy: You can't do this…you owe me…remember that day at the hospital…when Mother wanted to kill Wifey-boy and I voted to spare his life…?

[Kunzite finally stops short]

Kunzite: After you voted to kill him.

Neffy: Yes, but I changed my mind. Just like you're going to change your mind right now.

[Kunzite ponders this and the energy blade disappears]

Kunzite: Point taken. It appears I do owe you a debt of honor.

[Ponders it some more.]

Kunzite: Oh, to hell with it. Debt of honor or not, I don't feel dealing with some belligerent little brat. Unless I get to kill her.

[The blade reappears and Kunzite continues advancing on Naru]

Neffy: I'll talk to her. Let me talk to her.

Kunzite: [stops] Fine, you have five minutes.

[Neffycomes over to Naru and kneels beside her and takes hold of both of her arms.]

Neffy: Naru? sweetiepie?

[Naru smiles at him in the adoring way only the truly lovestruck are capable of]]

Neffy: I know what this looks like, but Kunzite isn't the bad guy here. I am. Kunzite's a nice guy. He's just a little upset right now–and justifiably so–because the Blackmoons have kidnapped your friend Zoi.

Naru: [alarmed] The Blackmoons have kidnapped Zoi?

Neffy: [nods] And they are going to kill him, unless Kunzite and I go and save him, and right now I'm being an ass about it.

Naru: [jaw drops] If Zoi's is in danger we need to call 911 right away..

Neffy: We can't… they said they'd kill him if we talk to anyone, and that includes you.

Naru: [looks at Kunzite and her face becomes dubious] If Kunzite's such a nice guy, why is he making you wear a collar around your neck?

Neffy: …It… it's a little hard to explain…

Naru: [crosses her arms] You have five minutes, don't you?

Neffy: Um…you see…we're going to have to trick them… and…if I don't wear this chain they… you see Kunzite has this elaborate plan…and…um…they won't believe I'd help him…so they see us together and if I don't wear this chain…they will know we are trying to trick them and they'll kill your friend.

Kunzite: [implores the heaven] You know, Nephrite, this would a be a lot simpler for you if you'd just let me kill her.

Neffy: Kunzite! That's not helping!

Naru: [wide eyed and innocent] Does this have anything to do with the ruby necklace I gave you?

Neffy: Yes! Exactly! It has everything to do with the ruby necklace you gave me. You see, I was supposed to deliver that necklace to the Blackmoons. Except I didn't. When you gave me the replacement necklace I liked it so much I decided to keep it for myself. So they took your friend Zoi.

Naru: Why would they take Zoi?

Neffy: Because… they knew that if they took him, my brother here would go completely batshit and make me give them the necklace.

Naru: So why don't you just give them the necklace? Why do you need to come up with some elaborate plan to trick them?

Neffy: Because… um

[Neffy looks to Kunzite, who gives him a "please let me kill her" look in return.]

Neffy: …because they are so upset with me right now, they are probably going to kill him anyway. And then they'll kill me too.

Naru: And what about Kunzite?

Neffy: Oh, no. He gets to live no matter what.

Naru: [Naru bursts into tears] You can't fool me. Kunzite is bringing you to them in chains so they can kill you instead him. I'm sorry, I can't let that happen.

Neffy: Why not.

Naru: Because… I love you!

Kunzite: *laughs*

Neffy: Kunzite!

Kunzite: I'm sorry, but as someone who understands what love really is, her self-delusion is hilarious to me.

Neffy: Stop it!

Kunzite: I hate to break this to you, little miss, but I've actually experienced true love, and it's a bit more involved than getting the tingles for some preening sociopath and then bonding over grand larceny.

[Neffy glares at Kunzite then turns back to Naru]

Neffy: Ignore him… I'm going to be fine…everything will be ok… You're going to need to be a big brave girl and let him hypnotize you… and when all this is over… [talks like it hurts to get the words out] …I'll take you out for a chocolate parfait.

Naru: [smiles] Really? Like on a date? A real date?

Neffy: [still pained] Of course I will. You're easily and by far my favorite freshman girl at Hen Tie High.

Naru: Really?

Neffy: Help us help your friend and I'll take you out and buy you the biggest damn parfait you've ever seen.

Naru: [hopping with excitement] Oh my god!

Neffy: [nods] Just please, don't give Kunzite any more trouble.

[Naru allows herself to be convinced that the fight she witnessed and the subsequent conversation never took place. That she was caught in a freak explosion that knocked out her mother and Mrs. Cope, but miraculously left them uninjured.]

[Kunzite does make sure she remembers Neffy's promise to take her out for a parfait though, just because he finds it amusing.]

[Then he drains her energy until she is unconscious and they replace the fire extinguisher before leaving.]

Neffy: [sheepish] I know I don't say this enough, but thank you.

Kunzite: [smirks] Don't worry…. You're probably not going to live long enough to have to buy her that chocolate parfait.