Hi lovely people! So sorry this is later than I planned. I'll do my SPN opinion piece after the chapter this time OK? It's super long and I don't want you guys to feel obliged to trawl through it, you should just enjoy the fic. This chapter has more cute texting and sort of grumpy shipper Kevin? Which I kinda adore. I hope you do too! Let me know!

After following the dinner and movie routine - Kevin puts on 'A Beautiful Mind', perhaps ironically, and I don't want to admit to myself that I like it better than Dean's taste in films but I do - we have an early night, mumbling goodnight to each other before shuffling off to bed. It's sort of comfortable, being alone with Kevin. I lie in bed for a while, staring at the ceiling and letting my mind drift. I think about the photo Dean has of me and squeeze my eyes shut in a tight grin, wrapping my arms around myself. It doesn't necessarily mean anything, of course, except that Dean cares about me and perhaps misses me when I'm gone. But I already know that. What I keep wondering is, does it mean anything more? I'm more determined than ever to keep on with my gentle experiments and try to find out something conclusive.

Casting my mind around for something else to occupy my brain, I think about the other angels out there and hope fervently that they're all getting by alright. At least they still have some powers and strength, and they can't starve or suffer from the elements. They must be so confused though.

For the first time, I don't have an actual nightmare, just a generally unpleasant dream. In it, I'm a nameless fallen angel, no connections or friends, just drifting through moonlit streets and wishing that I was in Heaven. I wake up in the early morning rather than the middle of the night, feeling well-rested but saddened by my dream. It's probably the reality for most of my kin right now.

I've showered, shaved and brushed my teeth before I hear Kevin emerge from his room. Dean left my washed and dried t shirts outside my room before leaving, so I put on the white one underneath the red and black plaid that Sam picked out. I grab my phone and give it a cursory check as I walk up the hallway, only to stop abruptly. There's a text from Dean, from last night.

Goodnight, Cas.

I gape at it, annoyed with myself for missing it. I check the time and see that it was sent within half an hour of my going to bed last night. I must have only just fallen asleep when it came through. Scowling as I enter the library, I mutter good morning to Kevin and then brighten as that gives me an idea. I type out a belated reply to Dean's text.

Good morning, Dean.

I add a widely grinning face and a sunrise, along with a songbird and a cup of coffee. It's half past nine, not exactly dawn, but I don't really care about the accuracy of my emoticons. I just enjoy them. Heading into the kitchen, I make two coffees and take one to Kevin, who looks genuinely grateful and gives an unusually sweet smile. My phone buzzes in my pocket at that moment and I whip it out quickly, ignoring the prophet's sardonic look.

Mornin sunshine!

I bite my lip around a pleased grin and Kevin shakes his head, chuckling. "Oh, wow. Sam would be laughing his ass off right now. Or maybe vomiting. You two are just too cute."

I frown down at him, taking an annoyed sip of my own coffee. What is nauseating about texting? I have to agree with him about the cute part, though. Being called 'sunshine' by Dean is very cute and I like it a lot. Wandering back to the kitchen, I grab an apple out of the fruit bowl and begin to eat it slowly, in small bites. I stare at my phone for a few seconds before typing.

How is everything?

I add the sunrise emoticon again, twice, hoping that Dean will correctly interpret it as approval for the nickname. I've returned to the library and sat down before he replies.

Yeah not bad. We're gonna look at some places today. U?

I'm not doing very much. Kevin is working hard as usual. I've been reading. We have some interesting books in the library.

If by interesting u mean fucked up yep. U seen the one about witch sex rituals?

No. I'll look for it.

Don't! Gave me nightmares. Speaking of, hows ur sleeping going? All OK?

I smile fondly at his concern, even as I ask Kevin about the witch sex rituals book. Kevin grimaces and points to the shelf behind him.

"Red spine, silver lettering. Freaky etching thingy on the front. Ugh, why does Dean want you to- you know what? Never mind."

I shake my head at his rambling, typing a reply to Dean as I walk over to the shelf.

Actually fine, I slept well last night. Thank you for asking. I'm looking for the book...

Good. OMG Cas u will regret it, trust me.

Will I? It looks really informative, Dean.

Ha ha go to chapter 3, that shit is crazy.

Grinning, I flip to the specified chapter, which is on blood letting. I examine the images with interest and read the introduction, which explains that the sexual energy which is apparently very valuable in magic can be intensified by carefully timed cutting and blood-sucking during sexual intercourse, obviously with the right incantations spoken and incense burned. I'm actually so interested that I almost forget to text Dean about it.

This is all very vampiric. I didn't realise that witches liked to ingest blood as well as spill it.

Yeah well witches r fucked up, I have always said this.

I bite my lip again as I read more of the chapter. If the claims in this book are true, sexual energy can be a really powerful booster ingredient for a lot of spells. I can't help being curious, although I feel oddly flustered as I type the next text to Dean.

Have you ever used sex in a spell? It sounds like it could give a considerable edge to a wide range of magic.

I don't add any emoticons to that message, for the first time. Dean takes several minutes to reply and I fiddle with the book, beginning to sweat slightly, jumping when my phone finally buzzes.

I tend to think of sex as kinda personal, not part of the job. Sure as hell not banging any witches if I can help it. Why, would u?

I blink at the message before realising that I read it wrong; Dean is not propositioning me, most unfortunately. I consider the question and reply honestly.

Having not had any experience with actually having sex, I don't know if it's personal to me or not. I suppose I would do just about anything to save a life.

... Still?

I frown down at the one word text. Is Dean asking if I'm still a virgin? Surely he knows that I am.

Of course. Who would I have had intercourse with?

Um u were married that time? And I figured something happened with Meg.

I raise my eyebrows in surprise. Meg liked to flirt with me, but she never once tried to actually progress past flirting until the day she propositioned me using my old pizza metaphor, save one rushed kiss outside Rufus's cabin. I'm still not sure if I'm disappointed or relieved that we never got the chance to follow through on our agreement to have sex. Certainly, I wish that Meg hadn't been killed; I grew very attached to her during my time in the mental facility. I sigh and type back.

Daphne and I were not legally married and she had moral issues with taking advantage of me. She was a very pious woman. And whilst Meg and I may have been intending to have sex, it never actually happened.

I add a shrugging emoticon to show that I'm not overly bothered by my virginity. There's another wait of at least two minutes before Dean replies.

OK, but still, they're not the only girls in the world. How come u never just went and picked up?

I roll my lower jaw, mildly annoyed now. Why must Dean always act as though having sex is an integral part of life? Apart from my inappropriate and distracting lust for him, I very rarely even think about sex. If I didn't know and desire Dean, I would probably live my life as celibate and never feel bothered about it. I can't explain that to Dean, though, and for some reason I don't want him to think that I'm entirely asexual.

I'm terrible at flirting. You know that. I doubt that I would have any success.

I add an animated emoticon shaking its head. Dean's reply is quick and short.

Trust me, u would!

I tilt my head in interest and type my natural response to his statement.

Why?

There's another pause, as though Dean is thinking more about his reply this time.

Come on, u know. Ur attractive and u listen and shit. Chicks would be all over u.

I inhale deeply as I read that text over again, leaning back against the bookshelf. Dean thinks that I'm attractive.

Thank you. To be honest I don't really want chicks all over me though.

I meant to imply that I would be more inclined to seek out a serious, monogamous relationship - again, in a world without Dean - but his reply immediately informs me that I've been misunderstood.

OK well that's cool too it can be guys if that's what ur into, I ain't gonna judge

I huff a breath of laughter at the slightly frantic pace of the text message, the nervous energy that comes through just as clearly as if he'd been speaking to me face to face. It's touching that Dean is so ready with his reassurance and besides, he's not overly wrong. I type out my response carefully, trying to be as honest as possible without just admitting that my sexuality revolves around him.

Thank you again for your support, but I'm not 'into' anything in particular. I meant more that I don't think I would enjoy propositioning strangers.

Ha ha OK sorry. Yeah fair enough, good. I have to go, say hi to Kevin for me OK?

I sigh, knowing that Dean's probably feeling awkward even though he's done nothing wrong.

You have nothing to apologise for. Of course, say hello to Sam and Charlie from us here. Have a good day, Dean.

I end the message with another beaming emoticon, a waving hand and a thumbs up. I wait five minutes but no more texts come through and I return my phone to my pocket with a rueful smile, taking the book back to the table with me.

"Finished sexting?" Kevin asks without looking up from his notes, a smirk in his voice. I furrow my brow, unsure what that word means until I realise that it's a clear portmanteau. Dean and I were discussing sex, so it's quite accurate.

"Yes," I reply calmly, and Kevin looks up at me with something like alarmed shock on his face. "Dean says hello to you, by the way."

"Ew," grimaces Kevin. "Rather you guys kept me out of that shit, thanks."

I frown in confusion. Does Kevin disapprove of texting? Why? Shrugging, I return to the book in my hands, quite interested to learn more about witching traditions and rituals.

Lunch is stir fry again, and even though it's very tasty I'm starting to get a little tired of it. I'm relieved when Kevin voices this opinion out loud, suggesting that we order pizza for dinner. I read for another hour or so before I simply don't want to any more and I snap the book shut, casting around for something to do. It's even colder than yesterday outside, and raining. I like the idea of watching a film but I have no idea what to watch. I think back to what Sam said the night before he and Dean left.

"Kevin," I say tentatively. "Do you want to watch a Disney movie?"

Kevin pauses and then looks up at me slowly. "You've got to be joking."

I shake my head, eyes hopeful. Kevin stares at me for another moment before an unexpected smile steals onto his face.

"Actually," he says, "I'd love to. Have you seen 'The Lion King'?"

I've written about half of a new chapter so rest assured this fic is still going somewhere and still on my mind :)

OK, feel free to just skip this next part if you don't want to read any negativity about destiel or the show in general. Or if you don't want finale spoilers. Or if you don't want to read a damn essay.

The reason I didn't post for a few days is because I was, and still am to some degree, really upset and angry and hurt and disappointed in SPN. I feel like the showrunners sacrifice so much in their haste to make sure they don't actually make one of their main characters queer. They disregard their own plots and characterisation and build-up in the most idiotic and clumsy ways, all in spurious attempts to no-homo things when they realise that yet again, canon destiel is the direction they've taken and is the only logical endgame.

Obviously, I'm furious about the new lows that the writers have sunk to this season in terms of queerbaiting. This season was the first time that I as a viewer felt really convinced that Dean has romantic feelings for Cas. I mean, I was PRETTY sure previously but before the casifer storyline aired I was fairly certain that the best we could hope for in canon, which would fit the characters and make the most sense, would be confirmed unrequited love from Cas with perhaps the hint of Dean returning his feelings in the far-off final episode of the show. Even after Season 8, I still found heterosexual Dean who sees Cas as a brother to be a viably believable stance for the show to take, despite personally believing otherwise.

But Season 11 took destiel out of murky maybes and into the main subtext of the entire plot. There were neon signs telling us that Dean was in love, or would soon be, and was ready to 'settle down' into a real relationship. 'Into the Mystic' had the classic 'wise old person sees that foolish young person is an idiot in love' cliche. At the time, I was moodily convinced that it was about Amara, but as time went on the writers made it super obvious that they weren't trying to play Amara as an actual romantic interest for Dean. 'Hell's Angel' wasn't anywhere near the realm of platonic, especially with the scene at the end when Dean barely even noticed Amara. For what seems like the millionth time in Cas and Dean's relationship, one of them was able to break the spell or emotional shackles binding the other, which is a markedly romantic trope. The tiny scene with Cas in the 'kitchen' had the line about Dean being 'objective', which instantly prompts the audience to think about how very not objective Dean was being at the time. Another classic romantic cliche which I myself have used in this very fic: person A thinks person B can't possibly care but the audience is well aware that person B cares passionately. Sam's line about the 'heart choice' fit the heart theme which centred around Dean being pointedly told to 'follow his heart'. This theme was built upon later in a very literal way when Amara actually followed Cas's heart... to Dean. And what was that, anyway? The show never bothered to explain what the hell was happening there.

This is not even mentioning 'The Chitters', which was basically a target shooting of every ludicrous fear that some audience members might have about mixing queerness and long-term relationships with hunting and masculinity. It felt like a demo for a canon destiel - or wincest, to be fair - prototype. It felt like a 'fuck you' to the haters. It felt like a powerpoint presentation on why Dean could be (IS) in love with a male and still be literally everything he already is, faults and all. Quite apart from all that, it featured Dean undeniably pining for Cas, calling back yet again to the strong hints dropped in 'Into the Mystic'. It was beautiful and it was the proudest I've ever been of SPN. I wish it could have stayed that way.

But in the last two episodes of the season, everything changed. It was unbelievably bad writing; I've never seen such a total lack of continuity in terms of characterisation and emotional build-up. We'd had episode after episode of Sam worrying about Dean worrying about Cas. We'd had Dean freaking out at the mere possibility of Cas being in danger, utterly focused for weeks on freeing him from Lucifer. Yet when we finally did get Cas back Dean suddenly had no interest in expelling Lucifer, was barely concerned about sending Cas into battle against Amara. He didn't ask after Cas's wellbeing, didn't demand to speak to him, didn't act remotely like the person we'd seen fretting a few episodes previously. It was a completely ridiculous about-face and I'm amazed and a little horrified that so few viewers questioned it. How low are our expectations as fans that writers can totally change aspects of a character from episode to episode and we just shrug?

It was such a total severing of the emotional tapestry that the writers had been creating around Dean that in the space of 'We Happy Few' I lost nearly all hope, which is incredible since after 'The Chitters' I was sure that destiel was the only way things could go. By the time the finale rolled around, I felt bleak and my fears were realised as soon as we got to what should have been a touching scene because it was the only time anyone gave a shit about Cas in the whole episode. Obviously the 'brother' line sealed the deal for me. If this wasn't a TV show then sure, Dean saying that utter bullshit would kinda make sense because as we've clearly been shown, he confuses familial love with romantic love (just like Amara does). But this IS a TV show and if Dabb wanted destiel to be canon, ever, the last thing he'd do is brotherzone Cas right when some solid destiel foundations have just been laid. But he did, and I'm sorry but destiel will never be canon. This show has become so unreliable and lacking in integrity that I'm not sure they'd do it justice anyway, but after the build-up in s11 the fact that they're willing to toss it aside like that is slimy as hell.

Queerbaiting is always shitty, but the thing is, I'm queer and I only really admitted it over Christmas. I've been slowly, casually coming out to those around me ever since. I know I'm lucky but I've barely had a bad experience so far and I was so fucking happy and confident, so excited to accept and explore my identity now that I've stopped ignoring and avoiding it in my own head and heart. I didn't know how precious that feeling was because somehow, I've avoided all the pitfalls of being queer in this shitty world. But this finale, the realisation that queerbaiting comes so easily to these showrunners, the fact that they can trample so insensitively all over people's hopes and plaster a no homo over the most obvious of subtext... and that they can get away with it, that they can do this again and again and never feel like they're in the wrong. That following through on what they portray between Dean and Cas is some kind of joke to them, that they can poke the shippers like a circus bear and get a reaction every time. That they would never consider actually showing one of their main characters as queer because somehow that would dirty the show, ruin it for all the 'normal' viewers. It's just so degrading. This is the first time I have ever felt less valid and less visible than those around me. This is a slap across the face telling me that we don't have equality and that there are many who want to keep it that way. This is a small but irreversible taint upon my perception of my place in the world as a queer person. And it's so sad that I feel like this because of SPN, but I can't change that.

And then there's Cas. It took me a long time but I've finally joined the 'I wish the writers would just kill him off for good' crew, because I can't watch them treat him like this any more. Cas came back in the most mundane and disappointing way possible, an irrelevant accident, overlooked and left behind. Dean was the only one who cared. Sam, supposedly like a brother to Cas, barely acknowledged him. Chuck literally didn't notice his presence and nothing was resolved between them, despite Lucifer getting way too much screen time for his Daddy issues, despite all the pain we've watched Cas endure because of Chuck's absence. It feels like Cas came back covered in open wounds and they were bleeding all over the place, but no one around him saw or cared; worse, Cas himself didn't care.

I still can't believe how badly his character has been treated, how the writers have basically just confirmed that they see Cas how he sees himself; expendable and of little consequence. This hurts me personally as a Cas fan but I'm also disgusted with the way the show has handled Cas's mental health issues. He gave himself to Lucifer because he didn't give a shit about his own wellbeing. It was almost suicidal - Jesus, Cas even has a history of suicidal thoughts - yet instead of addressing this, the show has Dean tell Cas that it was a good thing to do. I feel physically sick when I think about what Cas has been reduced to. He offered to die with Dean AGAIN and Dean's resistance had nothing to do with caring for Cas. He said 'this is something I have to do alone'. It's nightmarish. Cas is silently screaming for help, drowning in depression and apathy and hopelessness, and the show has shoved it in our faces and then done absolutely nothing to counterbalance it. How can they promote AKF and YANA when one of their main characters is a walking validation of the feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred that so many SPN fans struggle with? The way Cas was handled this season really, really disturbed me.

I've written so much more than I intended to but I guess it's kinda cathartic to get these feelings out. I don't know if I'll watch S12. I don't want to give this show any more of my time because I think that the showrunners have shown themselves to be morally corrupt and the writers seem to have no limits with how badly they're willing to insult the intelligence of their viewers. The unbelievably inconsistent and haphazard writing lately has made me realise that I'm way better off watching quality BBC shows which assume that the audience is actually paying attention. However, the simple fact is I fucking love Cas and I am quite intrigued by Mary coming back and this Toni character. I'll probably watch it. As for destiel, it's forever and always my OTP and I do think it's quite poetic that the writers, in all their incompetence and accidental brilliance, have written a truly epic love story for the ages whilst trying their level best to keep things as heteronormative as possible. I'll probably keep writing destiel fics, although I can't make any promises. I will definitely finish this one though!

If you read all this then I'm super sorry, but thank you, and I hope you feel more positive about the show right now than me xxx