The observation period ended and Tony was once again "home". He had returned to his old house but he was not calling it home. It did not feel like home with Valarie sleeping on the pullout couch and Rachel popping by twice a day to check in. This was on top of his daily visits with her and his daily visits with the doctor from the hospital. He was under the care of two psychologists and attending group therapy. It was all the same. People in white coats telling him it wasn't his fault. He heard the same speeches and got the same sympathetic looks. It wasn't that he wasn't trying to get better or thought he knew more. He did want to get better, he wanted to be OK again. It just was not happening as fast as he had hoped.
"Well of course it's not going to happen overnight Tony." Rachel reminded.
"Still there should be some progress by now. Shouldn't there?" Tony asked.
"You are actually making incredible progress." Rachel insisted.
"Am I ever going to get better?" Tony asked.
"No there is no cure for this. At least not yet. Like grief PTSD never goes away but you can learn to live with it. You are already on that road and if you keep up the good work. You will have a new life before you know it. Even without the PTSD you would never have your old life back. However you can build a new life full of happiness, love, and joy. You just have to work at it and work with the people trying to help you." Rachel explained.
"How can I be happy knowing it is my fault that my best friend and God daughter are dead? And it was my fault?" Tony asked.
"Because Jimmy would want you to be." Rachel replied.
As usual Valarie had Tali during Tony's appointment. Valarie really did adore Tali. She was a great kid, always so happy. She actually reminded Valarie of her middle daughter Dina. At first it had actually been kind of hard for her but now they had an unbreakable bond. She would even occasionally slip up and refer to her as her daughter. Valarie loved Tali but she loved Tony as well. Though her love of Tony was very different. She loved Tony in a way she did not think. She would be able to love again, after her ex husband ruined her life. When she first met Tony he was not ready for a relationship after a bad breakup. She had been wanting to ask when the accident happened but now it didn't seem appropriate.
"Guess what!" Tali cried.
"What?" Valarie asked.
"Jonah went a wedding!" Tali cried.
"Did he tell you what a wedding was?" Valarie asked, Jonah was four and loved telling people what things were.
"Uh-huh, it's when grown ups, go to church, and say they love each other." Tali explained.
"Well sometimes it happens in other buildings or outside but that's right." Valarie replied.
"Will my Abba have a wedding?" Tali asked.
"Maybe one day." Valarie replied.
"What about you?" Tali asked.
"Again maybe one day." Valarie replied.
"Maybe you can have a wedding together! Than you can be my new Ima!" Tali cried.
"Maybe we can." Valarie laughed.
Appointment number two and appointment number three were always paired up. Typically Tony meant with Dr. Stacy first and then attended group but some days Stacy had another patient and Tony did group first. Dr. Stacy was like a caricature of a shrink. He had wispy salt and pepper hair, that wrapped around the back of his head, and stopped at the top. His eyes were bright and alert and his ears were huge and long. He wore a white coat with his name sewn on the front in dark blue script; "Dr. Richard Stacy." He wore khaki pants and a blue shirt.
"How are you feeling today?" Dr. Stacy asked.
"Rachel said I would never get better but I could be happy again. When will that be?" Tony asked.
"What did Rachel say?" Dr. Stacy asked.
"That it would take time but there was no set time table. All she knew was it would not happen overnight." Tony replied.
"Well that is exactly right." Dr. Stacy replied.
"Don't all shrinks have different opinions?" Tony asked.
"Well in most cases we do but this is fairly universal." Dr. Stacy replied.
"So nobody can tell me when or if will get better?" Tony asked.
"You will get better." Dr. Stacy vowed.
Group therapy was exactly like the sessions you saw on TV. There were a group of people sitting around in a big circle. Some were angry, some were closed off, some were basket-cases, and others were depressed. Tony fell somewhere in between he was an angry, depressed, basket-case and opening up was not easy for him.
"We have not heard from you yet, Mr. DiNozzo." Dr. Wolfe commented.
"Two shrinks said I would get better but nobody can tell me when. That is how my day is going. I don't feel like I can get better. If I don't have a time table." Tony explained.
"You will." Dr. Wolfe assured.
"Yeah that's what they all say." Tony smirked, just as Dr. Wolfe's alarm buzzed and Tony knew he was free.
That night Tony was lying awake in his room. Tali's new thing was weddings and marriage. He had managed to avoid "the question" but knew it would come soon. He wondered how he would answer when Tali asked if he would have a wedding. Before the accident he would have maybe asked Valarie out and she may have one day been his bride. Now he did not know. Valarie did not claim to see him any differently but what woman would want a man like him? He was broken and lost. He was not getting better and he was not getting happier. No woman in her right mind wanted a mental patient as her man. Tali would never have and Ima and that broke his heart. More than he could ever express, to anyone.
A/N: Will Tony and Valarie admit their feelings? New chapter will be up soon. Thanks for reading and please review.