Hello! Oh dear I'm an episode behind for once :O I enjoyed the Hitler episode, although it certainly wasn't 'the one I've been waiting for' and there was a shocking lack of Aaron...
I've had some beautiful guest reviews lately that I couldn't PM a thank you to, and a couple of reviews from users who've disabled PM, so to those people I would like to say a huge and blushing thank you right now xxx
Laughing hysterically at Trump coming dangerously close to using the term 'safe space' in his petulant tweet about the 'Hamilton' cast's utterly respectful and polite request that Mike Pence attempt not to ruin too many lives. Wow.
This chapter is short and filler-y and borderline epistolary and for that I am sorry.

Sam, 8:53am: Cas, pick up, Dean is a dick but he didn't mean it

Sam, 9:12am: Come on, you know he cares about you, it doesn't matter whether you're an angel or not. He needs you.

Dean spare, 9:13am: Drive safe. Sorry it went a bit pear shaped there, things OK ish now. Sam chewing my ear off, having 2 send this from the bathroom. Be grateful ur not here to listen 2 it. U OK?

Kevin, 9:21am: Hey man, just hoping you're OK? This is all really unexpected. Take all the time you need but be careful out there. Here if you need to talk. PS: wow, you have serious balls to steal the Impala haha

Dean spare, 9:25am: Ah yeah ur probably not looking at ur phone right now. Fair enough, Sam must be texting u some annoying shit. He's rly mad. This sucks

Sam, 9:33am: Don't do this, it's dangerous out there. You don't even have to talk to Dean right now, I know you're angry, but just come home.

Sam, 9:44am: This is Ezekiel. I will delete this message from Sam's device after sending it. I am proud of you, brother. You have made the right decision in leaving. I wish you good luck. Take care of yourself.

Sam, 9:49am: Damn it Cas pick up, now you're the one being a dick. Dean isn't the only person in the world who worries about you.

Sam, 9:58am: OK sorry about the last message I'm just really not OK with this whole thing. Whatever Dean said, he didn't mean it. He's nuts about you! I promise. OK?

Dean spare, 10:10am: Damn, Sams rly upset about this. Just came 2 my room and gave me this whole serious speech about u. Evrything he said was true though. Tell him ur coming back once uv cleared ur head or something yeah?Text me soon OK xxx

Sam, 10:17am: Right I'm clearly not getting anywhere with either of you right now. If you need time, take it, but call me soon OK? This is crazy, you two have been through way too much for one little fight to matter this much. Hope you're safe.

It's over half past ten before I stop for fuel and food, grimacing at the awful takeaway coffee but moderately pleased with the jelly doughnut. I eat outside of the car, mindful of the pristine interior, and wash my hands thoroughly in the bathroom before sliding back into the Impala and gathering the courage to read all of my texts.

My chest tightens as I read. As well as his many text messages, Sam has tried to call me six times. I scowl at Ezekiel's message and then try to put it from my mind. Returning to Sam's litany of entreaties to return, I sigh and compose a text to him, stumbling over the dishonesty that sits heavy in my gut. Like Dean, I didn't anticipate that this false break up would distress Sam so much. His pleas for me to come home and his assurances of Dean's attachment are almost worse than if he'd been angry with me for leaving his brother. I type haltingly, throat tight.

Hello Sam. Thank you for your concern and I'm so sorry to have worried you. Please don't call me, I need my own space right now. I think things will be OK but I just can't be around Dean for a while. Don't be angry with him, we are both at fault. I will be careful on my own and I will contact you soon and return when things are calmer. Everything will be alright.

I send with a sharp stab of guilt, but I'm doing all this for Sam, after all. At the end of it, Dean and I will explain it to him and he'll understand. I send a shorter text to Kevin, touched by his worry and amused by his admiration for my 'theft' of the Impala.

Kevin, thank you and I'm sorry about all this. Don't worry, I'll look after the car. I will be back at some point when I've cleared my mind. See you then.

With a sense of relief, I turn to the texts from Dean. I miss him already and it hurts to think of him silently accepting Sam's accusations. I slump back in my seat, smiling a little as I notice the 'xxx' at the end of his last text. I know enough about human written communication to recognise the shorthand for bestowing virtual kisses upon a correspondent.

I'm fine, I've just stopped for a break. Making good time and the Impala is unharmed. I have received quite a few messages from Sam. He's very worried and upset, yes. I'm so sorry, Dean. This was my idea and it's already caused so much pain and distress. I have texted Sam to reassure him that I will be coming back soon and to dissuade him from trying to contact me any further. Hopefully he calms down and decides to leave us to deal with the 'situation'. I estimate that I will arrive in Fort Collins between 3:00 and 3:30 pm; I will text you again then. I hope you're alright xxxxxxxxxxxx

I add the loveheart emoticon without hesitating, my lips curving up as I press 'send'. Sam has texted me back in the time it's taken me to compose my message to Dean. I check Sam's reply and I'm relieved by what I find:

OK. I know I kinda blew up there but I really care about our family and you're part of it, Cas. Hope you know that. Just come home soon and take care. Not safe for you out there right now.

I sort of want to send Sam the loveheart emoticon too, although I know it's not appropriate. Still, I realise abruptly that I do love Sam. He is my family, in a different way from Dean. All of the brotherly affection that I've tried to feel for Dean comes naturally for Sam. I type back, glad that he's less upset now.

That means a lot to me. Thank you. Of course I'll come home soon, and of course I'll be careful. I'll text you every day to let you know I'm safe. Be kind to Dean.

I'm about to toss the phone back onto the passenger seat and start the engine when I get a reply from Dean.

It's alright Cas. Go get 'em. Just try not 2 die OK?

I chuckle and lay the phone aside, starting up the Impala and pulling out of the gas station. I put the radio on after some slight fiddling and I find that I recognise a few of the songs, since it's on the same classic rock station that Dean always plays. It loses reception after half an hour and I switch to an unfamiliar, more modern station. I don't mind what music is on; it's better than listening to my own anxious thoughts. The scenery remains flat and vast as I cut across the corner of Nebraska into Colorado but as the day wears on and I zoom across the state, hills begin to break up the monotony. I don't stop for lunch and by the time I turn north towards Fort Collins I'm surrounded by mountainous scenery. If Dean was with me, if this was just a hunt or even a simple trip for the enjoyment of it, I'd be pleased to encounter a landscape different from the stretched out farmland of Kansas.

But I'm alone and scared and I barely register the mountains or the beautiful fall colours. I drive into the centre of town and after making some blind turns and starting to feel lost and incompetent, I spot a motel. I feel odd purchasing a room by myself, like I'm playing a role. Once I've parked and securely locked the car, I check the time. Barely three o'clock. I'm hungry and there's an IHOP nearby. I text Dean as I make my way there.

Arrived in Fort Collins, checked into the the Best Western University Inn on S College Avenue. Having some food. Will start praying afterwards. Do you think the motel is a good place to do that or should I choose a particular location?

Entering the IHOP, I order strawberry banana pancakes and sit carefully at a window table, eyeing the other customers suspiciously. My phone buzzes within a minute.

Good, thanks 4 letting me know. Yeah the motel is fine, just make sure u put a few banishing sigils around ready for any trouble. Have ur angel blade on u and a gun as well. Leave the car open and stay near the door to get away quick. U put angel warding on the car?

I blink down at the text. I hadn't thought of warding the Impala, but it seems obvious now. I reply in haste.

I will definitely be sure to do all of those things. Thank you. How are you doing?

A waitress brings my pancakes at that moment, giving me a half-smile and a nod. I recall how Dean often speaks to wait staff, which I assume is the standard protocol.

"Thanks, sugar," I say with a wink. She pauses and shoots me a quelling look, somewhere between disdainful and disgusted. I watch her walk away, my shoulders slumping. I thought that becoming human might improve my social skills, but if anything I'm even worse at interacting with people now. I eat my pancakes glumly, adding too much maple syrup because it tastes good but then finding that even for me, sweetness has a limit. I still finish the overly sugary meal, not wanting to waste it. Dean texts back just as I'm finishing.

Sorry, Sam came by with a coffee. He's stopped yelling at me which is great but he's started with the whole mother hen routine, swear he's gonna paint my toenails and put on a fuckin rom com next. What did u get 4 food?

I snort as I read the message, thinking of how much Sam must be relishing the chance to look after Dean. I have no idea what a 'rom com' is but I decide not to bother asking.

Let him do it, he loves to care for you. I had strawberry banana pancakes at IHOP.

Why would u do that when they have stuffed french toast, holy shit dude. Fruit? Ur just as bad as Sam wow

I like fruit!

I add a barrage of strawberry and banana emoticons, grinning widely down at the screen. Dean's response is swift and free from any emoticons, as usual.

There's a time and a place 4 fruit Cas, IHOP is not it. U didn't even have any bacon as part of ur meal did u?

No, I'm not fond of bacon. I already apologised twice for that, Dean.

It's a major food group, ur missing out. Love of bacon is an American value.

I'm not American. I don't recall you bemoaning the lack of bacon or any other meat in that seitan stir fry that Sam made three nights ago.

WHAT THE FUCK NO THAT WAS CHICKEN

I laugh out loud, earning myself a slightly concerned look from the waitress who's been avoiding my table since I accidentally offended her. Biting my lip, I put a laughing emoticon at the beginning of my reply.

Was it? Maybe you should check with Sam. Although I suppose you can't, because this conversation is a secret. That must be frustrating.

Fuck u nope no way, that was chicken

Chortling, I simply send back a winking face. It was definitely seitan, because Sam gloated about his subterfuge for a full fifteen minutes while Dean was in the shower that night. He swore me to secrecy, but Dean's outrage is too amusing to resist. Even more amusing is imagining him trying to casually ask Sam about the stir fry without betraying the fact that he's been talking to me.

Feeling much more cheerful, I scoop up the last forkful of syrup-drenched pancake with a smile on my face, despite the danger and difficulty that lies ahead.