4.7 How Tinkers Kill Time.
After a short walk through town our group once again found itself trekking through the woods on a dirt road. We were supposed to be on high alert for the impending attack by Eugene as Zabuza, however the yelling we had been hearing for almost a minute had essentially ruined any and all dramatic tension.
"No, no, no, no. Listen Chris, I know the idea was to come up with the most badass ideas possible but a sniper scythe? Are you out of your mind do you have any idea how much something like that would weigh? The only way someone is going to be able to swing something like that around is with a brute rating! And besides which, a scythe, really? There are dozens of more practical melee weapons out there!"
We finally arrived at the source of the yelling to find a man in cow print arm warmers and pants who was not wearing a shirt arguing with what looked like a young teen in a kimono with a mask pulled up and resting on top of their head. Both are hunched over scratching drawings into the dirt.
"Oh right because, your idea for shotgun/nunchaku makes so much more sense! The only thing something like that would be good for is shooting yourself in the foot!"
"OK look maybe I couldn't pull it off but a cape who can perceive time at a faster than average rate might be able to use something like that!"
"Oh so it's alright if your insane weapon idea requires a bit of super power help but the minute I want to design a weapon that weighs more than ten pounds you say it calls for a brute rating?"
Amy started to move forward but I grabbed her wrist and shook my head no. I wanted to see how long it took for them to notice us. Besides this sounded like it would be an amusing conversation.
"What?! Why you little, that stupid scythe idea of yours would weigh a hell of a lot more than ten pounds! A 50cal sniper rifle on its own weighs almost thirty pounds! You want to take that, extend the barrel, make the barrel sturdy enough to swing around in hand to hand combat, then you want to attach to this monstrosity two large blades! Each of those blades you designed has to weigh at least eight to ten pounds probably more. Even if you ground it with the blades this design is going to be insanely inaccurate because the firing position is going to be so awkward, and then on top of all that you want to make it collapsible. Even using tinker alloys and using Halbeards optimization tech you're looking at something that would weigh at least forty to fifty pounds! No one, save a brute, is going to be able to use that thing, and again scythe's are not the most user friendly weapons. Hell, they are a terrible weapon in general! Dramatic as hell yes, but still a terrible weapon."
The teen growled audibly. "Listen here Mr. one hit wonder, you didn't let me finish. First of all I plan to have the scythe blade line up with the barrel at the start of a swing and then fold in to hook on the enemy as you carry out the swing, second between the collapsed form and the scythe form I plan to have a straight up sniper mode so it can be used to shoot accurately, finally if you paid attention you would have noticed this bit, right here!" The teen jabbed at part of the drawing in the dirt.
"And that would be what exactly?"
The teen grinned cheekily. "Where I plan to install the same sort of antigrav generator I use in my hoverboard."
"…Huh."
"See!"
"Ok, maybe that could work. You think you can get the antigrav calibrated properly to give it the kind of balance you'd have with just a plain staff?"
"Maybe, I'm not sure. I've never tried anything like it before but can you imagine if it worked?"
"If it worked as your advertising I think it would be safe to say you win."
"Shame I'll never be able to build her."
"Wait, what?! You can't come up with something that awesome and not build it! That would be sacrilege!"
"Man I hear you, but what would be the point? I'd never get it cleared by PR. I could change the sniper design so that it fires lasers, or plasma, or a shock charge like my pistols, but even then it's still a freaking scythe in melee mode, no way could I get that by them."
"Man that sucks. Army carries around a medieval pig sticker. Why can't you?"
"I don't know, I'm just a Ward and he's a full member of the Protectorate? Mine would actually work as a bladed weapon as opposed to something that looks like a bladed weapon, but is actually something completely different for whatever stupid reason he has."
"Probably marketing."
"Yeah that makes sense. Asshole."
"Heh, isn't that asshole supposed to be your boss?"
"Hey, he's your boss too now remember, besides aren't all bosses supposed to be assholes."
"Eh, more or less. Still we might be able to find a way to get it past PR if we can make the blade nonlethal… So do you think we can actually use any of these designs?"
"Maybe a few of them. I could see Carlos rocking that shield you came up with, and I think Missy would give up hot chocolate for a month if it meant getting her hands on the tonfa I sketched out near the beginning. Of course we would need to trade out the bullets for containment foam in both cases but still."
"Oh yeah that was a cool design. Hey how much longer do you think we have to wait?"
"Oh I'd say not too much longer." Jeff called out with a chuckle.
Spinning around at the sound of Jeff's voice the duo finally noticed us.
"Hello!" I waved cheerily.
The older man, Eugene if the conversation was anything to go by, developed a spontaneous eyebrow twitch... despite lacking eyebrows. "You don't really get the concept of staying in character do you?" He asked.
"To be fair Taylor barely even knows how Sasuke is supposed to act." Amy defended me.
"Eh, fair enough. Shame we ruined the whole dramatic entrance by arguing about theoretical weapon designs in the middle of the road though." Chris said.
Eugene seemed to perk up. "Hey that's right now that you're here we can finally have our battle!"
Chris's shoulders slump. "Oh come on! When do I get a chance! Two and a half hours, and I haven't been able to do a single thing as Haku!"
"Well you get to knock me out with senbon in a few minutes."
Chris got a dangerous look in his eyes. "What's to stop me from just knocking you out right now and hurrying this along to the battle on the bridge?" He asked brandishing what looked like a pair of sharpened knitting needles.
Eugene seemed to go pale. "Ummmm without a demonstration Taylor's power might not give her anything from this fight?"
Chris contemplated that for a moment before sighing. "Fine, fine. I'll just use this time to come up with an even more badass weapon for our competition, maybe some kind of war hammer..." With that said Chris leapt away into the tree line.
Eugene straightened and picked up a massive blade taller than himself, hefting it over one shoulder.
"Well then this might be a lot less dramatic, but you should all," he was interrupted midsentence by Chris's temporary voice hollering from the tree line.
"DUCK!" A pair of needles flew out of the foliage heading straight for Eugene who cursed and jumped out of the way.
Jeff, Amy, and I watched with sweat drops on our faces.
"Damn it Chris, you icicle slinging ass! Nock that off or I'll come up there and lop off an arm!"
"Ha! You wouldn't even have room to swing that damn thing up here in the trees moron!"
Grumbling, Eugene turned to face us hefting the sword once more. "Let's just get this over with."
With that said Eugene hopped back onto the surface of the water making a set of hand signs. Immediately the surrounding area was flooded with mist. "Ninpou… Hidden mist no jutsu."
Jeff pulled up his head band reveling a red eye with three black spinning comma marks circling the iris.
"He'll come after me first." It was clear from Jeff's voice that he was trying to be dramatic but his excitement carried through despite his efforts. "Mamochi Zabuza… as a member of the hidden mist… He was known as an expert of the silent killing. You don't even notice until you're already dead. It's not like I can use the Sharigan perfectly, you guys be careful."
Suddenly the mist swells, surrounding us making it all but impossible to see more than a few feet.
"Eight choices; liver, lungs, spine, cervical vein, carotid artery, brain, kidneys, heart. Which one should I go after." Eugene's voice bounced around the small forest clearing making it impossible to pinpoint his location. In all honesty it would have been a terrifying speech if only he didn't sound like an excited child… Then again that made it creepy in a different way.
Honestly though what was the point of carrying around a blade so massive if you were trying to silently assassinate someone by aiming for a lethal point? Never mind, trying to rationalize this series has so far proven pointless; no reason to assume things would make more sense now.
Suddenly a suffocating aura of malice blankets the field. It reminds me vaguely of Glory Girls aura when it is set to fear.
Oh no! No, no, no, no, no! I am not dealing with this shit again!
"Eugene, nock that off right this instant or I swear I'm leaving you behind next time! I hate this sort of mental power! Drop it, now!"
"Buh, but Taylor!"
"Now Eugene! Do not make me start counting!"
"But!"
"ONE!"
"Common!"
"TWO!"
"Oh fine! You win, damn it! Ruin the tension why don't you!" Eugene pouted.
Amy giggled. "Never a dull moment with you is there Taylor?" She asked.
"Oh you know me, going places I've never heard of, doing things I never wanted to, keeping rabid fans from getting carried away by their favorite fictional universes. All in a days' work for you're not so average Ward." I snarked back.
"You know," Jeff said speaking blandly. "you could try and enjoy this. You know make the most of it?"
"I still want to do the Princess bride." I mumbled
Immediately Amy materialized in front of my face with little stars literally shining in her eyes.
"Please, please, please take me with you when you watch it? The girl begged.
"OK! Enough!" Eugene shouted as he materialized behind Amy and I.
In a blur of motion Jeff drove a knife into Eugene's gut causing him to… explode into water?
"Sensei, behind you!" Amy shouted.
Too late unfortunately as the massive blade Eugene carried sliced Jeff in half at the waist. Only he too exploded into water.
"Don't move." Jeff intoned as he held a blade a mere inch from Eugene's neck. "It's over."
"Hehe." Eugene chuckled faux darkly. "There is no way you can defeat me with those monkey like imitations. Hehe, but that was impressive of you. You already copied my water clone jutsu. You had your clone speak, to attract my attention… while the real you stayed in the mist and watched. Nice plan. But…"
Suddenly another Eugene materialized behind Jeff and spoke.
"I'm also not that easy."
Eugene wound his arms back for a massive power swing, which swept at Jeff who dropped to the dirt only avoiding the massive blade by a few inches. Rather than try and stop his swing and reverse the direction of the blade Eugene let it continue on, burying the swords tip into the dirt.
Now braced against the handle of his massive sword Eugene used the leverage to launch a sweeping kick into Jeff's side.
Hauling the sword out of the dirt Eugene started to charge forward only to be brought up short by a line of caltrops.
Before Amy or I could even move Jeff landed with a splash in the nearby lake, and Eugene shimmered out of existence. After a few short moments the mist thinned out slightly showing Jeff completely trapped in an orb of water that Eugene seemed to maintain through hand contact.
With another hand sign a clone made of water formed in front of us.
"Hehe wearing those headbands and acting like ninjas." Eugene intoned darkly. "A real ninja is someone who has survived numerous brushes with death. Only when you are good enough to be listed in my bingo book can you start calling yourselves ninjas."
In a blur of speed the clone shot forward and kicked Amy in the head sending her flying back and knocking loose her headband.
"Amy!" For a brief moment I panicked before rationality set in once more. She would be fine, she might be in pain now, but none of the injuries I'd gotten had ever carried over before. She would be ok in time.
"Take Tazuna-san and run! You have no chance of beating him! As long as he keeps me trapped in this prison he can't move!" Jeff shouted. "The water clone cannot go very far from his real body! Just run away now!"
…How could he be shouting from inside a compressed ball of water? Hell how was he even breathing? Was the mask some kind of ninja cloth re-breather or something? No, that would just be stupid. Must just be another example of the author ignoring logic because it turned out to be inconvenient.
With a wild war cry Amy took off like a shot from a gun in a head on charge towards the clone.
"No don't!" Jeff yelled. Again how?!
"He…" I muttered. Why are all of my lines this pathetic?
"Naruto, what are you thinking?!" Shouted Sakura.
In a blur of motion that I think is a right cross Amy is sent flying and skids almost ten feet along the ground.
"What are you doing attacking him all by yourself?! We genin have no chance against him!" Sakura screeched.
Amy shakily made her way back onto her feet with her head band clenched in one hand.
Pivoting on one foot with blood dripping from the corner of her mouth Amy turned to face the clone once more. "Hey you, eyebrow-less freak… Put this in your bingo book. The man who will one day become hokage…" Amy stood up straight and retied the headband around her forehead. "Leaf ninja Uzumaki Naruto!"
Heh, looks like Amy is really getting into this. The line was a bit overly dramatic, but I think I could let that slide, after all Amy certainly seemed to be enjoying herself.
"Sasuke, Listen!"
"What is it?"
"I've got a plan."
Alright plans are good…
"Pft.. teamwork from you?"
"Now, let's go wild!"
Wait… what? What's the plan supposed to be?!
With an insane cackle the clone took off at speeds that could probably earn it a low level mover rating, and slammed into me with its elbow knocking me back. Before I could even process the pain in my chest I was slammed down by a back fist. I coughed up blood, tasting copper on my tongue. I tried to focus on something other than the pain in my badly bruised chest.
"Sasuke!" Damn that fangirl, couldn't she tell I was in too much pain to consciously tune out her screeching?
"Die…" The clone said in a rather freaky monotone.
"Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!"
A cloud of smoke erupted around the clone and I. As the smoke cleared it revealed a small platoon of Amy/Naruto's each wielding a knife in a reversed grip. I staggered off as best I could while the Amy clones launched themselves at the water clone.
Sadly in the blink of an eye the Amy clones were dispatched with rapid, wild, sword strikes.
"Sasuke!" Amy shouted, as she tossed me what looked like a giant curved blade with a circular grip at the base.
Looking down at it I realized it was in fact four blades.
…OK I give up what am I supposed to do with this?
Glancing ahead a few panels I quickly piece together what I'm supposed to do. A quick flick of the wrist and three of the four blades swing out and lock into position every ninety degrees. I grin evilly as I hold up massive throwing star four feet in diameter.
"Evil wind shuriken… shadow windmill!" I intone as I launch myself into the air.
A few spins of the wrist and an almighty heave send the free flying rotary saw past the clone and after the real Eugene, another flick of the wrist while everyone focuses on the first shuriken launches the one Amy tossed me directly behind the first keeping it somewhat hidden in the first's shadow.
"I see you're aiming it at the real me, but" Eugene and his clone spoke in tandem. "that's not enough!" The real Eugene said as he swiped the first shuriken out of the air.
I was begging to question the point of shuriken seeing as everyone worth anything seemed to just snatch them out of the air.
"Another one in the shuriken's shadow!" Eugene exclaimed.
Hmm, maybe I spoke to soon?
"But still not enough." Eugene taunted as he leapt over the whirling dervish of death.
Never mind. I was right the first time. If even that stupidly complicated trick shot couldn't land a hit on him it was obvious these things did little to no good without some form of convoluted plan.
The shuriken Eugene had just leapt over was momentarily obscured by a cloud of smoke before Amy, the real one this time, appeared launching a throwing knife at the now airborne Eugene's head. With his only options being to take the hit or move Eugene abandoned the water prison jutsu.
Spinning around Eugene attempted to launch an attack at Amy only to be stopped by the metal backed glove on Jeff's hand.
"Kakashi-sensei!" The banshee screamed.
"Great plan Naruto"
"Heh" Amy chuckled.
"I got distracted and released the jutsu." Eugene whined.
"Wrong, you were forced to release it. I'll tell you that I don't fall for the same jutsu twice. What will you do?" Jeff asked.
Eugene only scoffed before the two leapt apart in a massive spray of water. The combatants then raced through a lengthy series of hand signs.
The result was spectacular.
Two massive dragon heads made of water reared up out of the surface of the lake before charging one another, circled slightly and then slammed together, the surge of water overflowing the banks and flooding the nearby area.
In the aftermath the two came together in a clash of blades Eugene using his massive sword while Jeff somehow stopped the much heavier blade with a simple knife.
The two broke apart, and their movements a perfect mirror of each others. I could hear them murmuring but not the words.
"Damn you, I'll make it so you can never open that mouth again!" Eugene screamed.
Jeff's hands which had been nothing but a blur finally came to a stop and a massive vortex of water even larger than the dragons had been launched forward sending Eugene careening into a tree.
Over the noise of the chaotic waves and receding water four meaty thumps could be heard. A throwing knife was now embedded in each of Eugene's limbs.
I had to wonder why the character Jeff played did not just use the opportunity to kill Zabuza.
"How?" Eugene asked. "Can you see the future?"
"Yeah, you're going to die." Jeff answered.
Seemingly from nowhere a pair of needles materialized in Eugene's neck.
"Hehe. You're right, he is dead." Glancing up I saw Chris now wearing his mask down over his face. Chris vanished in a swirl of leaves before reappearing crouched over Eugene. "I'll be off now, see you all soon!" He chirped before once more vanishing in a swirl of leaves.
"Alright then, time to get going!" Jeff said… before falling flat on his face.
I glanced over at Amy.
"Do you think we can just let the scene change now or should we make Sakura carry him?"
AN: Heck yes finished cross posting this fic! Now onto cross posting my other stuff! For those of you who are not familiar with my stories from Sufficient Velocity the next post of this story has been a real pain in the ass for more than a month now, but I've posted updates after longer breaks than that so don't worry my muse will calm down eventually and cough up the next update sooner or later.