Double Trouble 13
A/N: It feels like it's been ten thousand years and a crick-in-the-neck since I updated. Sucky life got in the way. Enjoy :). Thanks for the reviews for last chapter, I love hearing your thoughts and theories!
Chapter 13 - In two minds
"Em, it's getting dark... should we go back soon?" said Ri.
They were alone in the playground sitting on the swings in the fading light. It was starting to get rather cold, so Em had gotten Ri to sit in her lap so they could swing together and share body heat. They'd had to leave the diner when Granny had come over to tell them she wanted to set up for the dinner sitting. Even though the diner was mere blocks from Mary Margaret's apartment, the teenagers had taken a long route home stopping by the park on the way.
"Regina said 4pm but obviously that was just a guideline," said Em. "You getting cold?"
"A little," said Ri. "I can feel you shivering, Em. You're cold. We should go back."
"No," whined Em at a whisper. "I wanna stay here with you."
Em settled Ri back against her chest and then kicked off the ground so they could swing gently back-n-forth.
"Why do you think they're not together," asked Ri. "Regina and Emma?"
"I dunno. They're adults." Em shrugged. "Adults let stupid stuff get in the way of what they want all the time."
"But they're us," said Ri. "They're who we're going to be one day."
Em snorted. "I'm never going to be that boring and cranky."
"You were a little cranky when that boy came over to interrupt us today," teased Ri.
"Ha. He could have just got his own ketchup bottle instead of trying to nick ours! Maybe I shouldn't have squirted him with it though. Bet Emma wouldn't have done that. I still can't get over the fact that one day I'm Sheriff and people trust me and- ... and I have parents."
Ri turned her face so she could kiss Em's cheek. "I know how much you want to find them, Em, and now you have. Mary Margaret and David are nice. Maybe you could try talking to them?"
"I - I kinda want to - but part of me still hates them for abandoning me - and-" Em took a shaky breath. "I'm afraid that I might - love them - and they won't love me back."
"Oh Em, they will. I know it. See how much they love Emma?"
Em sniffled and nudged her glasses higher. "Yeah, but that's just cos she's all goody-two-shoes now. I bet they didn't know she used to be a bratty streetkid before I showed up. She must've changed so they would like her. If they knew who she really was, maybe they wouldn't be the same."
"I think you should give them a chance. Maybe they'll surprise you."
Em nudged her a little. "What about you. What do you think of Regina?"
"I'm afraid of her."
"Why."
"Because she's - " Ri looked down sadly, not wanting to complete the sentence in case it cost her everything.
"Hey, she's strong ok? She seems like she knows who she is and what she wants. I know you're scared but you're gonna get there one day, Ri."
"I'm not sure I want to."
"Well, I guess that's the only good thing about being an adult, you get to choose who you want to be... sorta. There's always plenty of people around who try to tell you who you are and you just gotta punch back and say: 'No, this is who I am.'"
"And who am I?"
Em smiled and pressed their foreheads together. "You are Ri and you have a good heart."
Ri's eyes filled instantly with tears, hearing what she desperately craved and her heart brimmed with what she felt for Em in that moment.
Em dug her heels into the sand and stopped the swing so she could turn Ri's face gently, bringing their lips together for a soft and slow kiss that melted with the minutes.
"You shouldn't be doing that," said a disapproving voice, startling them apart.
Em immediately went on the defensive. In the dim light, standing at the each of the sandpit was a middle-aged woman wearing a dowdy navy-blue outfit with a small gold cross pinned to her lapel.
"Huh. I shouldn't be kissing my girlfriend? Who the hell are you to tell me what to do."
"You shouldn't be with her," said the Blue Fairy seriously.
Em sneered sarcastically. "Well, that's all the judgement we've got time for today, so we'd better be going."
Em glared and patted Ri's shoulder to get her up so they could get away from the judgey nun.
"She is not who she seems," said the Blue Fairy.
"I know who she is," said Em stubbornly, getting increasingly annoyed with having to defend themselves to a random stranger. She grabbed Ri's hand and walked away.
The Blue Fairy curled her mouth humourlessly, watching the teens leave hand-in-hand. When Mary Margaret and David came to her and told her what had happened, she almost hadn't believed it. But now seeing them for herself - the teenage versions of the Saviour and the Evil Queen here in Storybrooke, plucked out of their disparate pasts - she believed that this was an opportunity not to be missed.
"I doubt this was what Henry had in mind," said The Blue Fairy to herself.
Regina was staring out of the window of Mary Margaret's apartment, looking over Storybrooke's Main Street as darkness was falling. She had been confident earlier in her decision to give Em a bit of independence, now she only hoped that it wouldn't come back to bite her. After all, Emma knew herself better than she did. Regina felt rather than heard someone come up behind her.
"They should be back by now," murmured Regina.
"They are," said Emma confidently. "They're just outside on the sidewalk."
"Oh." Emma's magic. What else can she do?
"The kiss at the end of the date I suppose. You know," Emma shrugged, trying to smile.
"I don't. I've never been on one."
"Actually you have - with me." Emma saw Regina start to frown so she amended herself quickly. "When you were Ri and I was Em."
"Neither of us remembers so it may as well have not happened."
"But it is happening - and with your encouragement - even though it might be screwing up the present and making stuff disappear. Why do you want them together, Regina?" blurted Emma.
"I think you know why."
Emma's heart leaped into her throat when she felt Regina's touch. The tension in the air crackled loudly between them.
"W-what are you doing?" stammered Emma.
Regina seemed confused at her own actions and drew back.
"You're falling for it aren't you? You see their cute little teenage romance and want one of your own. You think we can have what they have."
Stinging with rejection, Regina glared at her with hurt eyes. "I can see you don't."
Emma stammered her reasons nervously. "Regina, they're not us. We're not them. We're different people now. Too much has happened. It's too late for us now-"
"You are nothing like Em," snarled Regina.
"That's right, I'm not. And you," Emma stabbed with her finger as well as her voice, "are nothing like Ri. I can't believe that sweet girl grows up to be a fucking psychopath, stealing people's hearts and casting dark curses! I wanted my kid to go to someone better than me. Why couldn't you have just been good! Why did you have to be screwed up as well?"
Regina bristled and glared at her. "You don't get to regret that decision because you don't like the outcome."
But Emma was gearing up for a heated fight now, with all the frustrations and grievances of the past and present coming out. It was like poison being sucked from a wound.
"I still can't get over the fact that my kid ended up with the Evil Queen. It's insane! You ruined my life before I was even born, you ripped me out of my mother's arms and kept us apart my whole life. The same person you tried to kill over and over out of some misguided sense of revenge. How many people have you killed, Regina? What else are you responsible for?"
"I only-"
"Do you enjoy it? Hurting people. Destroying lives. Separating families. Has it made you happy? Tell me!"
"No."
"Good, cos you certainly don't look like you got your happy ending. Serves you right if you're just as miserable as the rest of us."
Regina merely tolerated the angry diatribe as though she was hearing tiresome complaints from the peasantry that were beneath her dignity to address.
Emma shook her head in reproach. "So you did all this because Snow White sold you out and your boyfriend got killed? Other people lose their loved ones every single day, Regina, their parents, or children, or friends, or wives, and sometimes it's by chance and sometimes it's not but everyone feels the same way when they lose someone ... it kills them inside and they're sick with grief too but what makes YOU so special that you have to try to destroy the world over yours?"
Regina's eyes glowered like burning coals. "What would you know about loss? You've never had anyone. I'm not like other people. I don't know why."
"That's the worst part, Regina. Sometimes I can't believe who you are."
"Thank you, Emma," said Regina sarcastically, somehow making it sound more like 'Fuck you' in her hard commanding voice. "For seeing exactly what everyone else sees. Who I used to be is all I'll ever be to everyone isn't it? I'll never be free of it. I thought you were different. But you're not strong enough to look past all that are you, Saviour? You're so righteous now you've discovered that you were born on the winning team and everything you do is justified because you happen to be Good. You don't deserve the word. You don't want me to touch you? What, are you afraid you'll get the stain of Evil on yourself-"
Emma shook her head. "This is not happening."
"-Or are you afraid you'll destroy me because I'm already weakened? My heart is already broken, my mind is twisted, my body defiled. You can't stand it can you? Em is stronger than you are. At least she knows what she feels."
"Em does not love Ri, she's just trying to get into her pants," said Emma dismissively. "Or pantaloons or whatever the hell they wore back then."
"You don't give either of them enough credit. They know themselves better than you do."
"Yeah right, Ri knows nothing about the world. She fell in love with the first person she met! That's not real. She doesn't love Em, she loves the idea of Em."
"You're scared," Regina shook her head with a soulless smile. "You don't want to examine them too closely in case you see it. But you do look at them and wonder ... if you can have what they have. You've been alone your whole life, I bet you're dying to know what's it's like ... what you think you don't deserve. Everything comes back to being abandoned with you doesn't it? What you want most is to be wanted, for someone to come and prove to you that you're not alone."
Emma could barely stop her eyes from watering but she forced it away, trying hard to keep her voice from wavering. "Don't confuse me for you. I am not going there with you, Regina. Not again."
Regina glared at her, smarting from the reference. "You would hold that against me forever?"
"You made yourself quite clear the first time how much the idea of being with me disgusts you. You don't get to do this now, Regina. You rejected me. After everything that's happened... I can't do this now. Everyone trusts me, I can't give them up."
"Everything has changed. I know that," admitted Regina softly, staring out the window again. "I thought that if anyone could understand, it'd be you-"
Regina turned back towards her only to see that Emma was already walking away from her and she rolled her eyes. "Fine. Run away. You're good at that."
Regina regretted the words before she even said them and the image of Emma's stricken face and tear-filled eyes did not leave her mind soon afterwards. All it ever took was a spark to start a fight between them but this was the first time that Emma had taken her to task for what she'd done to her personally. There were so many victims of her crimes yet the one person she hadn't set out to hurt was the one she'd hurt the most. The former Evil Queen hadn't known then that one day she'd come to know that person far better than she should. There was so much damage shared between them … and she knew that Emma was not likely to forgive her.
The teens were outside the apartment, just about to go upstairs, when Em stopped and turned to face her girlfriend.
"Ri, does it bother you that we're both girls?" asked Em, hoping like hell that she wasn't opening a can of worms by asking.
"I don't think so. Does it bother you?"
"No way. I don't care what people think - except you. Ri, where you come from... are there ever any girls who are in love with each other? Or two boys?"
Ri shook her head. "No, I never heard of that happening. Is it not ok here either? I assumed things were different here."
"Depends on who you ask. I'm really sorry our date got ruined."
"Ruined?"
"Yeah, you know. The nun."
"It wasn't ruined, I had a lovely time with you today. But she was right, Em," admitted Ri quietly. "There are things you don't know."
"Whatever it is, it won't change how we feel about each other," Em said confidently.
"Em, I don't think you understand."
"Try me."
Ri closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Em could see she was still upset and it made her concerned. What could Ri possibly have to tell her that she thought would change her mind - and her heart?
"I can't tell you," whispered Ri painfully. "But I can't keep it from you either. It's my fault."
Em cupped her face and got her to look up. "Ri, what is it? You're not ok, whatever it is. Let me help you?"
"I'm the reason your parents gave you up," Ri confessed, half regretting it already. She immediately stepped back, preparing for Em to recoil from her in disgust.
"Did you learn something about their past - our future?" asked Em with a frown.
Ri nodded and the first of several tears slipped down her cheeks as she explained everything. She spoke about finding the book, and how it told her all about Regina and the curse and who she would grow up to become...
It wasn't fair to let things between them go any further while withholding all of it from her and though she knew it might be the last time Em looked at her without hate in her eyes, she loved her enough to tell her the truth.
Her voice was ragged raw and pained by the end of the tale. "Em, I hurt you so much! It's because of me that you grew up without your family. You've been alone your whole life. You can't possibly forgive me. I can never forgive myself-"
This is it. I've lost her. Ri squeezed her eyes shut and swiped at her wet cheeks. "I'm so sorry. If I could change things I would-"
"No."
Em shoved her hands in her jacket pockets and looked at the ground.
"I don't think you know the whole story. Regina never does anything without a good reason, and for her to do this ... I don't think she had a choice."
Ri's eyes darted up hopefully. "You think there's something that explains why I did what I did? How could there be."
"What Regina did. You are not her yet."
"But I will be one day... and she still hasn't come through it. I can see it. I don't want to feel like this forever. I don't want to be alone."
"Me either."
Em stepped in to close the distance between them. She cradled Ri's face with both her hands and made sure Ri could see all of what she was about to say.
"Ri. I promise you now, no matter what, one day we will both get through this. They need our help. We're going to save ourselves."
Ri's face crumpled and she threw her arms around Em and cried.
Emma stabbed the spoon into the ice-cream container and flung spoonfuls into a bowl haphazardly. The box got thrown back into the freezer and the door slammed after it. She frowned in concentration and squirted way too much chocolate sauce over her pile of ice-cream, getting messy blobs of it all over the surrounding bench as well.
"What'd you do," said Henry crossly.
"I'll clean it up later. Who died and made you boss of the kitchen?" grumbled Emma.
"No," said Henry indignantly. "What did you do to Mom?"
Emma paused her jerky movements but didn't look up. "What do you mean."
"She's gone home!"
"Yeah, well... good." Emma threw the spoon into the bowl with a clatter. "I'm sure she's had enough of living here with us anyway. She hates my parents and she hates me."
"Emma!"
Emma grabbed her bowl and went over to sit in the loveseat underneath the window. She propped her feet up on the cushions and balanced her bowl of ice-cream on her knees. Henry stood next to her, glaring at her the whole time while she ate. He propped his hands on his hips, looking annoyingly like someone else in that stance.
"You did something to her! She was fine before."
"What makes you think it was me, kid? Maybe it was her. It always is."
"Are you fighting again?"
Emma spooned ice-cream into her mouth, dripping it down her front without noticing. Her throat was burning from suppressing the urge to cry and she was hoping the cold would soothe it. This damn apartment was way too small, there was nowhere to go. She ignored Henry's questioning but she was not enjoying her dessert at all.
"It wasn't supposed to be like this!" cried Henry. "You're not supposed to fight more. Why are things getting worse?"
Seeing that Emma was done talking about whatever had happened, Henry went off to the bedroom. He shifted the papers sitting on his laptop, but there were no answers there so he dumped the contents of his backpack on the bed.
A small scroll of paper fell out onto the quilt among his schoolbooks and he picked it up and unfurled it. As Henry re-read the words back to himself he wondered where things had gone wrong. The Blue Fairy warned him but he hadn't listened and now things were going badly.
This wasn't what he'd had in mind.