Double Trouble 19

A/N: Happy Birthday to Lana :).

Chapter 19 'Holding out'

Almost everyone had made an attempt to cheer Em up but no-one had succeeded thus far. She wasn't in much of a state to be causing any trouble so they'd left her to her own devices during the days that followed, but all she did was mope and ignore them and pick at whatever food the adults brought to her.

Mary Margaret had reached out to Em a few times but the teen didn't seem to respond to her. Not that it would stop her trying but she didn't want to push Em before she was ready.

She went into the bedroom where her young daughter was and laid herself on the bed next to her.

"I'm here if you want to talk, Em?" said Mary Margaret to the teen's back.

No answer.

"Do you want to be alone?"

Em didn't answer 'no' but she also didn't tell her to get lost, so Mary Margaret stayed close just in case. She decided to tell Em a little story, like she had when her baby girl wasn't yet born.

"When I found out I was pregnant with you I knew you were going to be a girl. You used to keep me up all night kicking me, or sometimes you would have the hiccups - you always used to get them at night. Your father would put little things on my stomach so he could watch you kick them off. I had your name picked out early but I didn't tell him. It was our little secret and I used to whisper your name to you when I read you stories. My little Emma."

Mary Margaret smiled wistfully, caught in old memories.

"Your birthday was the happiest day of my life. I wasn't sure I could ever have a child and as soon as I knew you were on your way, I couldn't wait for the day when I would finally hold you. But it was also the saddest day of my life, the curse was coming and I only got to hold you for a few moments... but as soon as I had you in my arms, I knew that I never wanted to let you go."

She brushed away an errant tear and sniffed. "It hurts to think that you ever feel unwanted and alone, Em. I loved you from the first little flutter I felt and you were so wanted, sweetheart."

"It hurts to see you so upset because I don't know how to make you feel better."

Em still hadn't said anything so Mary Margaret got up to go, not wanting to push it in case she angered or hurt the girl anymore than she already was. But as soon as she went to the door, a small voice came from behind her.

"Please don't go?"

"Am I doing it right?" said Ri, frowning at the pastry she was rolling out on the kitchen bench.

"Yes, that's fine," said Regina. She took out a few apples to wash them.

"Those apples are from my tree," said Ri, eyeing the perfect Honeycrisps with wonder. "You still have it! It must be enormous now."

"Apart from an entirely unprovoked act of vandalism it is still growing strong."

They were making apple turnovers but it was taking longer than usual because Ri stopped to cry several times. After the protection that Regina had offered her younger self for the first time the other night after hardly speaking to her in the days beforehand, Ri had finally felt able to open up to her and she began to ask Regina all manner of questions. The young girl had never had anyone to talk to before about how she felt about everything, especially one who understood her perfectly.

Ri understood Regina's ignoring her for so long. Each of them was hurt to see who the other was and all it did was remind them of being disappointed by life and feeling powerless in an unfair world.

The one topic they both avoided was the curse. For Regina it was the distant past and for Ri it was the distant future. Neither of them wanted to focus on it as much as they wanted to deal with the present. It was too painful to go through again.

Ri looked at Regina curiously as she peeled the apple skins deftly. "How do you know how to do this?"

"I've had a lot of time on my hands."

"Mother says cooking is for servants. I'd never be allowed to do this at home! Oh, I'm sure you know that don't you."

"Yes, but Mother was wrong about a lot of things."

"I miss her and Daddy," said Ri sadly.

"So do I."

"Daddy doesn't pay much attention to me, he just leaves me to Mother's care. She is always so hard on me, she criticises every single thing. Nothing I ever do is right! Sometimes I think she doesn't really love me."

Regina hissed when the sharp blade of the knife slipped across her palm.

Ri cringed. "Ooh, that must hurt."

"Mmhm." Regina stuffed her hand into a tea towel to soak up the blood from the stinging cut.

"Regina, did Emma make you an offer of marriage?"

Regina was barely able to hide her mirth at the phrasing and the image that sprung to mind. "Not exactly. Things are different in this world."

"You went on dates then? Em explained it to me, she said that's what happens here when two people like each other."

"No, we didn't go on a date."

"Why not?"

Regina raised her shoulders, struggling for words. "It's... complicated."

Ri looked at her earnestly. "But she likes you, can't you tell? At first I thought she hated you, but now I think she's just afraid that you hate her. What happened between you two?"

"She kissed me."

"Really!" Ri almost squealed. "It's wonderful isn't it? The way it feels when she kisses me is so amazing... so overwhelming, I almost can't stand it. Is that how it is for you?"

"Yes, but the last time was a while ago... it ended in a fight. I made sure that she wouldn't want to try it on me again."

"Oh. That's so sad. Maybe I won't get to kiss Em again either." Ri's lip trembled and twin tears fell down her cheeks again.

"I'm sure you will."

"Oh! I wish I could stop crying," complained Ri, impatiently swiping at her cheeks.

"I wish I could tell you that it gets better."

Ri brightened through her tears. "Regina! It's different here isn't it? What if you asked Emma?"

"What?"

"Ask her to marry you! I mean - date, sorry. Ask her to go on a date."

"I don't think so."

"Ohhh why not," said Ri mock-grumpily. "It would be lovely. Then I'd know that Em and I end up together. You could be a family with Emma and her son! Henry is such a sweet boy."

"I don't know if Emma wants that anymore, if she ever did. She has her family now and I doubt that includes me. It's never going to work," said Regina quietly, returning her attention to slicing the apples.

Ri took a bite out of one of the apples. "You wish it would. Maybe she just wants to know if you like her? Can't you do something to let her know?"

"It's too late for us. Are you ready to go see Em yet?"

"I'm not sure, but I want to. Can we go somewhere first though?"

"Of course." Regina smiled fondly, realising where her younger self wanted to go.

Emma scrolled through the series of calls and texts she'd sent Regina since she and Ri disappeared from the B&B the other night. All of them were unanswered.

Regina, are you guys ok?

I know you are at home but can you please reply so I know you and Ri are ok?

Henry's asking about you. He knows something's up cos Em is really upset. How is Ri?

Today's most recent message read:

REGINA! Answer ur phone FFS!

Emma sighed and threw her phone on her desk at the Sheriff's station. She was worried about Ri after what'd happened the other night. The poor girl had looked devastated. She wasn't exactly sure why but something had happened with Em that had broken her heart. She was also worried about Regina having to essentially relive that again, it must be dredging up old painful memories for her.

Emma hoped that Ri and Em would make up. She wanted them both to have a bit of happiness, just like Regina did. It might be too late for them but it wasn't too late for the teens. Maybe it was inevitable that this would happen - maybe all this showed was that even when they were younger and better and had less crap between them, they still couldn't make their relationship work.

On top of that there was all that other stuff with Storybrooke shrinking to worry about. There hadn't been anyone else who had lost their memories so far but surely it was only a matter of time. Emma felt that she could really use some magical backup right now, preferably some that didn't come bundled with a cane and a load of smug double talk.

When her phone beeped with a new message, Emma dove upon it and almost turfed everything on her desk onto the floor in her haste.

'1 new message from Henry's Mom,' the display read.

She tapped through to the message after accidentally hitting the wrong icons a few times. What she saw nearly made her throw her phone at the wall. There was one message from Regina, an answer to the first text she'd sent, and infuriatingly all it said was:

"Yes."

Emma punched her phone screen angrily and decided to try calling the aggravating woman yet again. She knew Regina had her phone on her right now and if she ignored the call at least she would be able to yell at her for it next time in person.

Regina answered eventually. "Hello Emma."

Emma sighed out of frustrated relief. "Regina! Why haven't you been answering your phone? I've been trying to get a hold of you. I had no idea if you and Ri were-"

"We're fine."

"Seriously?! I've been worried sick about both of you and all I get is a one-word text and 'we're fine'?"

"Emma, calm down."

"Oookay," Emma gritted her teeth and exhaled slowly. "How is Ri? And if you say 'fine' I'm gonna come over there and kill you."

"She's ... ok."

"Really? Cos Em is devastated-"

"So is Ri. She's been crying a lot."

"I'm surprised she even went with you after the way you've been ignoring her this whole time. You did try to talk to her and help her through it, right?"

"Of course I did!"

"Did she tell you why she's so upset at Em?"

"It's complicated. She got overwhelmed." Regina's voice was quiet over the phone.

"Oh. When Em said she loved her? Is she -" Emma bit her lips together. "Does she feel the same way?"

"Yes."

"They need to talk."

Muffled sounds came over the phone, like Regina had her hand over the handset and was talking to someone else.

"Regina? Where are you? It sounds like you're- huh, can you hear me?"

The phone disconnected and Emma stared at the screen in open-mouthed confusion. She wasn't sure if she'd been hung up on or not. Judging from the background noise she'd heard they weren't at home right now, but where would they go? Maybe they didn't want to be found and Regina was ducking her calls on purpose.

Emma smirked to herself, only just remembering to grab her jacket before heading out. "Too bad for you, Regina, that I can find anyone I'm looking for..."

Mary Margaret went to sit on the side of the bed in front of Em, and although she was desperately wishing to comfort the girl by stroking back her hair or any number of motherly gestures... she held back, waiting to see if her daughter was ready for it.

Em's eyes widened as she noticed what Mary Margaret had in her hands. "Is that-?"

"Emma thought you might like it right now."

The pixie-haired brunette held out the baby blanket with a loving smile and Em grabbed it greedily, immediately balling it up and hugging it to her chest like it was her most precious possession - which it was.

"I haven't seen it in ages. It smells funny."

"That's laundry powder. Emma said to make sure you wash it thoroughly when you find it," said Mary Margaret teasingly.

Em sighed and buried her face in her blanky, feeling instantly calmer and more self-controlled.

"I made this for you, did you know?"

Em nodded. "It looks hand-made. I had it with me my first few houses but I lost it along the way. I'm glad I get it back. I was found wrapped in it, it's all I have. My only clue. I was always gonna go looking for my parents after I got out of the foster system... I guess I've found you now."

"How do you feel? Now that you've found us."

"Dunno. It still doesn't change the fact that I've been alone my whole life. But I guess it's good to know who I am - sorta."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not like you and David. I'm not even like Emma. I'm not good."

Mary Margaret gave Em a shrewd look. "Someone told me there's no such thing as Good and Evil."

"That's dumb. Of course there is."

It was funny that Em had contradicted her older self but Mary Margaret chalked the differences between them up to life experience and a bit of maturity. Although, now that she thought about it, the adult version of Emma had been emotionally immature and prone to juvenile behaviour when she'd first met her. It was only after Emma had gotten to know Henry, when she'd found someone who depended on her and after she'd decided to stay and make a place in his life that she'd grown up for real.

"You are not a bad kid, Em," said Mary Margaret softly. "I'm going to keep telling you that until you believe it."

"You love Emma?" said Em.

Mary Margaret smiled happily. "Yes, so much that I can hardly breathe sometimes. I loved her before I even knew she was my daughter. I never got to see Emma growing up and now that you're here I get to see her in a way I thought I never would. I love you as well."

"You don't even know me."

"I want to know you, but it won't change things because I already love you. I'm your mother. That's what unconditional love is."

Em snorted. "There's no such thing. All that means is that you're not gonna tell me what the conditions are until I break them. Then I'll find out how much you really love me."

"What conditions do you think I have?"

"Like I have to say."

"Try me."

Em rolled her eyes. "For a start, I'm sure you're thrilled to find out I'm a bratty streetkid."

"I am disappointed - but not by you. I sent you through the wardrobe to give you a chance to grow up and save us - to save yourself as well. I had no idea what kind of world you'd end up in, it was a terrible risk but I had no choice. I had to take the chance. I'm heartbroken that you ended up with people who didn't appreciate how special you are - and worse, people who hurt you."

"Yeah I've had some real winners. Most of them didn't really care what I did as long as they got their fucking cheques. It was only at my last place they knocked me around. I had a family once though."

"When you were little?"

"Yeah. When I was a baby up until I was almost adopted. Cos I was cute back then I spose and it was before I grew a smart mouth obviously. They sent me back when I was three."

"Do you remember what it was like?"

Em recalled vague memories and spoke with a sneer. "It was disgustingly perfect. Perfect house, perfect Mom, perfect Dad. The only thing that wasn't perfect was me."

"Em, you are-"

"Yeah whatever!" Em frowned angrily at the placating tone. "They said they loved me and we were gonna be a family for real, but then they sent me back when she got pregnant. They only wanted me if they couldn't have their own kid, like I was their second choice or something. Not as good as the real thing."

"Is that why you think there's no such thing as unconditional love?"

Em ignored that. "Y'know who gets me? Regina. Nobody can look past her evil deeds or whatever the hell happened back then, nobody loves her either."

"That's not true," said Mary Margaret quietly.

"Uh yeah it is. Her kid won't go near her, Emma treats her like crap, you hate her-"

"I don't hate her."

"Aw bullshit! Nobody is that perfect. You can't possibly be as good as that, to forgive her after what she's done to you."

"I can because I've known her a long time and I've always been on her side. She taught me something very important when I was little. She showed me a selfless goodness and I took it to heart. She saved my life - she changed my life. I took something precious from her and because of me she lost not just her love but her hope and freedom as well. I may not be able to forgive her actions but I will never give up on her. She's family."

Em stared at her in wonder, unsure if this paragon of goodness and forgiveness really existed and if they were actually related for real.

"But you still don't want her and Emma together, right?"

"That's up to Emma and Regina."

"Yeah right. All you gotta do is give the Mother's Stamp of Disapproval and it'll be over. Like Emma's gonna want to choose between you."

Mary Margaret smiled a little, hearing Em say the exact words that Emma already had. "I'm not going to make her choose."

"What about me and -" Em broke off, feeling a painful jolt just at the thought of her.

"I saw your face when you two came back from your date the other night. Sweetheart, if Regina makes Emma as happy as Ri makes you …" Mary Margaret sighed. "I'd do anything for Emma and so would your father. We made a choice that affected your whole life. You missed out on a lot as a child and I won't stand in the way of my daughter's happiness ever again."

Em balled up her fists and pressed them into her eyes. "It doesn't matter anyway. She hates me now."

"Ri?!"

"I didn't mean for things to go that far. She asked me to take her away, I guess I just got the wrong idea."

Mary Margaret tried to contain a huge smile and failed. The whole conversation had been like a deja vu of the one she'd already had with Emma.

"I'm not so sure you were wrong, Em. I think the Regina's are holding out on you two..."