It was raining again when Deidara woke up on Sunday. A glance at the clock told him that it was way too early to be up – 4am, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep once he was awake. It was an annoying mechanism but he couldn't do anything about it. The plus side was that he (kind of) had more time than other people.
He hadn't been planning on doing anything that day besides lazing around at home; waking up so early made him feel that he was going to waste his day if that was what he was going to be doing. He had already finished the report for that week on Friday night when everything was still fresh in his mind, and naturally he wanted to get it out of the way so that it didn't ruin his weekend.
I wonder what Danna is doing…
Deidara stopped filling his mug when that thought entered his mind. That was a strange phenomenon. He didn't usually think about Sasori, especially not so early in the morning. No doubt the older man was interesting but Deidara was never one to be overly interested in people.
Maybe it was the fact that the way the rain pelted down was so similar to the downpour the day before. Or maybe it was the fact that Sasori had never left him hanging so badly before. Either ways, he knew that he wanted answers from the redhead, which was rather horrible of him, since he never promised answers to Sasori in the first place. What right had he to answers then?
He knew what it was though that made him wanted the answers so much.
At any other time, he definitely wouldn't admit it but in the safe sanctuary of his own home coupled with the comfort the earliness brought, he let himself acknowledge that it was concern. It was such a weird and somewhat new feeling. It had been a while since he actually cared about someone, Hidan aside (that man probably cast some Jashinist spell on him).
But this care was totally different. He cared about Hidan in the sense that he didn't want anything bad to happen to Hidan and that he wanted the Jashinist to know that he would always be there for him, but it was just different with Sasori.
Naturally, he didn't want any untoward to happen to the redhead either – that was just normal for any human being. But he felt that he actually wanted to know about Sasori and help the other untie any knotted strings in his heart.
It was probably because he himself had too many such knots in his own heart that he wanted to help Sasori. Their situations were, after all, so similar that anything which might help let Sasori feel better would probably have the same effect on him too. Okay, so he was selfish but somehow he realised that he didn't really mind not having his ties unknotted if Sasori's ones could be.
He was really turning nice. He wondered why he couldn't just be introverted and cold and be alone. But that was the problem, wasn't it? He didn't want to be alone. It scared him. The thought of loneliness haunted him. He needed to be around people or he would fall into his depressed state of mind again. Even being around people made him feel lonely because he sometimes his mind would be the devil and constantly remind him how he was actually truly in solitude because all those people were people, not friends, not people he could depend on.
But he didn't want to care about anyone which was a problem in itself because being around people naturally made him care. He didn't understand how some people could remain so closed up, so unfeeling. He envied them. If he were like them, he wouldn't be like this.
It was annoying how his phone was directly in his line of sight. He had left it on the bar counter the previous night which obviously turned out to be the wrong (and most stupid) decision because now he had the immense urge to turn it on and send a text to Sasori. Yes, at 4am in the morning. And yes, he didn't care that it might potentially annoy the older man.
But there was only so much self-control someone as impulsive as him could have.
Without a second thought, he walked over to the bar counter, snatched his phone off the top of it and turned it on. He hadn't even thought of what to ask but he figured that it would come to him when he started typing.
Before he could set about doing so though, a notification reminded him that he had a new message. He glared at it suspiciously. There were only so many people who would text him. Pein, Konan and Hidan he didn't mind. His mother and Chiyo he had a lot of issues with.
It was quite funny how he now cringed at the thought of the old woman. He had actually liked her. Not to any extreme point or anything but he certainly thought her to be nice and he definitely did owe all his medical skills to her. Still, meeting Sasori made him change his mind about her. He hadn't mind that she and his mother were quite close but now he was starting to realise that they were more similar than he thought and that instantly repulsed him. His mother scarred him that much.
But there was nothing he could but read the message of course or it would be on his mind all day and he wouldn't be able to do anything else, even send a simple text to Sasori. What was the worst scenario anyway? His mother would probably just send him a love (read: hate) message while Chiyo could have another one of her "surprises" again.
But the text wasn't from either of them. It was from Sasori.
Deidara was beyond shock. He had thought that Sasori would want to be all alone and definitely wouldn't send him any message or contact him in any way. This was possibly the most shocking thing that happened in his life.
And then panic took over. What if Sasori had wanted to talk to him? What if, for once, Sasori actually needed him and he wasn't there? Especially since Sasori had always been there to listen to him rant and complain. He had never felt more like a bastard as he slowly read the text.
I'm fine, Brat.
And I'm not stupid enough to catch a cold.
Okay.
He should have expected that. It was so typical of Sasori to send that kind of message and he started laughing because of all those stupid things he thought of. When Sasori wanted to be alone, of course he wanted to be alone. The man was so sure of himself and so clear of what he wanted that nothing would ever be able to influence him. It was so ironic that despite this he still had to force himself to go to med school.
In a way, he supposed it was more painful for Sasori than him. To know for sure that that wasn't what he wanted but to still have to choose was definitely more painful. Deidara knew that he wanted to do art too of course but he had his worries, worries that Sasori didn't have. For example, he knew he loved art but he didn't know if he would always love art. Sasori, on the other hand, would always love art.
This was the big difference between them and Deidara sometimes thought that if Sasori wanted to, he could be very happy. That thought pulled at his heart strings in weird ways. He never expected to feel sad for anyone.
Deidara replied Sasori with an 'okay' and locked his phone, placing it back onto the bar counter. It was nice of Sasori to send him a message; he didn't have any obligations to. But he probably knew that the blonde would be wondering what the heck was going on with him and that was probably the only reason why he did so.
So Sasori understood him better than he thought (and actually somewhat cared). That thought was both comforting and scary. It was nice to know that they both had a mutual understanding of each other which was rather profound in his opinion but it was rather unnerving. Because understanding someone came along with responsibilities, right? It was frightening but somehow he realised that if it were Sasori, he didn't mind that much.
They were too similar after all.
His mind suddenly wandered to the locked room in Sasori's house. Ever since he saw it, he couldn't help but wonder what it contained. It was a given that it was Sasori's artworks that were in the room but he didn't know exactly what kind of artworks they were. Come to think of it, despite all their quarrels, they never actually talked about the actually pieces they make.
He supposed it was too close to the heart and if they were talking about them, it would seem that they could actually start working on them again. No. They had to remain where they were. A dream. In limbo. Wherever. Just not in this real world with them. In this world, it was med school that mattered. Med school, Chiyo and his mother.
Again, he found Sasori more pitiable. Sasori must really have a lot of self-control to be able to resist not opening that door at all despite looking at it every day. Deidara's artworks never lasted long so there was never a need to store them. There were no physical objects which could trigger any urge to start making art. His art tools were in a box somewhere far away from him. He made sure of that.
In the end, he decided to start on his assignments which weren't due until two months later. Chiyo had given them to him early because of the internship and was afraid that he wouldn't have time to finish them but he had a feeling that he was going to turn them in even before she released them to the year ones. He wasn't a workaholic by any means but he sure as hell felt like one right now.
It was well into the afternoon by the time Deidara completed all his assignments, and that was including some extra research he did. He wasn't a show off but he thought that the research would just make his essay make all the more sense and that was why he did it. Besides, knowing more never hurts.
Anyway, the point was that he was bored and after accomplishing so much he felt that it would be a waste to spend the rest of the day lazing away. More than anything, he should really find something to eat but he wasn't really that hungry so he didn't care. He just wanted to get out of his house. It was becoming unbearably suffocating.
So he pulled his hair up into its usual half ponytail, tossed on a sweater over a random shirt and stepped into a pair of jeans before almost running out of his house. These bouts of loneliness were going to kill him someday if they haven't already. He felt like a corpse whenever he wasn't around people, but that isn't to say that having company was any better. His friends were the only ones who made him feel alive now.
No matter how much he hated it and wished it to be different, art wasn't exactly a source of comfort anymore. It was more of an added pressure now. That was terrible in his opinion but life wasn't exactly fair.
The sky was cloudy again and that definitely cheered Deidara up. He liked to think that he was in tune with nature and this was seemingly proof of it though he knew that it was just mere coincidence. Because the weather was so similar to that of the previous day's, Deidara felt that it was natural to head to the beach again.
It wasn't as if he was going to gain some epiphany on Sasori's life but he just felt that he should go there. Really, he had to stop doing things based on his feelings but then again logic had never helped him before. Look where he ended up – med school. Though it was arguably because of his feelings for his mother that he decided to lock himself up in that prison. Nonetheless, there was no doubt that he did feel that med school was the "safer" path too.
The beach was empty. That wasn't exactly shocking since there was already a light drizzle descending upon the earth. Anyway, the point was that Deidara was elated that there wasn't a single soul around. He might hate being alone and depressing thoughts might start creeping up on him, but for now, he wanted solitude. He just wanted to be alone with himself and his thoughts.
He took the same path he and Sasori had taken the previous but he definitely went further than they did the day before because he spotted a little cave nearby. He would take refuge there later if the rain became too heavy. Now, he was just too contented to sit on the shore and think about everything and nothing at all.
The drizzle turned into a full out downpour within minutes and Deidara's clothes were soaked to his skin within seconds but he couldn't find any motivation to remove himself to shelter. It was strangely comforting and surreal to sit in the storm and stare out at the crashing waves. A slightly morbid thought crossed his mind and he wondered how it would be like to be dragged into the abyss of darkness that was the ocean. Unconsciously he shifted nearer to the water.
He had wanted to move just a little bit at first but somehow he ended up so dangerously near that the waves were lapping at his legs. Just a little more and he was sure that he would be carried away by the waves off to the depths of the ocean where, he was certain, nothing existed.
"Brat, I know I'm not stupid but I never pegged you down as an idiot either."
Sasori's voice wrenched him away from his morose fantasy and he hastily stood up. He was about to say something in reply when he saw the look on Sasori's face. Despite the outward appearance of amusement, there was an element of anger and (if he wasn't dreaming) even worry hiding beneath that fake exterior.
"There's a cave over there, un," Deidara said but Sasori had already started walking towards it before the sentence was even completed. Deidara rolled his eyes but followed without complaining.
"What are you doing here?" Sasori asked. He sounded so normal, normal as in emotionless, that Deidara almost thought that the anger on Sasori's face was just his imagination if not for the fact that the older man's eyes were still burning with that particular emotion.
"It's not really any of your business is it, un?" Deidara asked, raising an eyebrow and setting himself down at the edge of the cave so that he could still feel the splatter of the rain against his face.
His hair tie was tugging at the roots of his hair in an almost painful way and he pulled it off, probably along with some hair but he didn't really care. Now that the left side of his face was obscured by his hair, he couldn't see Sasori anymore but he figured that he would rather not look at the older man. Why was he even angry anyway?
"I could almost think you're stalking me," Sasori said. It was probably meant as a joke, thought it didn't sound like one. Sasori was probably trying to diffuse his anger.
"In my defence, Hidan found this place, un," Deidara replied, too tired to even try to sound like his usual (fake) happy self. Besides, he realised that it had been quite a long time that he had used that artificial tone with Sasori. Damn, he really was getting too used to the other.
Sasori didn't reply and when Deidara felt brave enough to steal a glance, he saw that the redhead was sitting opposite him except that he was sitting deeper in the cave so that the rain didn't reach him. His eyes were closed and Deidara would have thought he was sleeping if not for the fact that he knew that Sasori never let his guard down. Ever.
"Why are you angry, un?" Deidara asked, almost regretting it when Sasori's eyes shot open and a glare was immediately focused on him.
Yeah, Deidara kind of suspected that they weren't so close as to ask each other about everything yet but if the anger was directed at him, then he had a right to know, even if he wasn't directly the source of it.
He told Sasori just that and the redhead rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. Deidara didn't say anything else. They had an unspoken policy of not prying after all. It was mostly because of Sasori and his hatred of that act but Deidara didn't have a problem with following it.
Honestly, Deidara was expecting Sasori to tell him eventually. After all, things have always been that way between them. They would ask, leave the other alone afterwards, and the other would eventually bend. It was scary how this worked actually. Sooner or later there wouldn't be any secrets between them.
Quite a while past before Sasori finally said something and it was completely unexpected.
"Do you know how my parents died?"
"No, un. You never told me."
Deidara really wanted to ask Sasori to elaborate now because he was just that curious but this topic was too sensitive and even he knew to leave Sasori alone.
"They drowned."
And then it suddenly made sense to Deidara why Sasori was so angry. It must have looked like he was trying to commit suicide by drowning just now and that probably triggered Sasori's memory of his parents which was the reason for his anger.
"Is that why you were so detached yesterday, un?" Deidara asked tentatively.
Proper behaviour dictates that he should look at someone when they were speaking but somehow he felt that Sasori didn't want him to look at him. He was glad that he decided to take off his hair tie; it would be hard to not attempt to look at Sasori without his hair conveniently blocking the other man.
"Yeah," Sasori breathed out and Deidara never heard Sasori express so much emotion before as he did in that one word which practically meant nothing.
Danna must have loved his parents…
"The day they died was pretty much like yesterday… and today actually. They were on a cruise for their wedding anniversary when the ship sank," Sasori said in his usual emotionless tone but this time the pain in his voice was barely concealable.
Deidara didn't know exactly how painful it was for Sasori to talk about his parents but he could just imagine the extent. There was a reason why this was the first time the redhead mentioned his parents after all. And the lack of details about the shipwreck proved it even further. Knowing Sasori, he would have dug out all the information about it and he probably knew every single thing that happened but he probably didn't want to revisit it too much.
"I was five when it happened. When they died, I just felt it. Even up till now, I don't know why but my life just suddenly felt so empty, so much so that when the news reached me I just realised that I already knew."
"They must have loved you a lot, un."
"Yeah, they must have," Sasori replied in a barely audible whisper.
Deidara didn't know what to say. He had never experienced any parental love that he could boast off and hence never actually bothered about the entire concept. To him, it was a thing that existed in fairy tales. Unreal. The end.
There was no way he could empathise with Sasori and somehow that thought was more heart-breaking. Because it wasn't as if he didn't have parents. His mother practically lived at his workplace so it wasn't as if he was separated from her either. Yet, he didn't exactly see her as his mother. It was a horrible thought, but he thought that he wouldn't mind his mother dying if it could bring Sasori's parents back.
Sasori was silent, and he knew that he shouldn't but Deidara stole a peak at Sasori and what he saw was almost enough to send tears to his eyes. Without a doubt, there was a lone tear making its way down Sasori's cheek. It was so typical of Sasori. There was no way he would start bawling or let all his tears out. He just didn't do excessive things like that. Deidara turned to look out at the beach before Sasori could even suspect that he was discovered.
It was ridiculous. What was Sasori to him? An ally. A friend. An confidante at most. There was no plausible explanation as to why Sasori shedding one tear could make him feel like crying when even his mother's sudden arrival didn't even bring him close to tears.
Maybe it was because he had kind of placed Sasori on a pedestal without even realising it. To him, Sasori was actually really perfect. They were in the same situation, yes, but Deidara had always thought that Sasori was coping so much better than him.
Even though it was obvious that the fact that Sasori couldn't do art was hurting him as much as it was hurting Deidara, he never thought that Sasori was actually really pained by it. He thought too highly of Sasori, so much that he might have actually dehumanised him in that sense. There was nothing but guilt that he felt now.
"What are you thinking of, Brat?"
Sasori sounded so normal that it almost created an illusion that everything was fine. But Deidara couldn't forget what he saw and what that meant for him.
He opened his mouth to reply but his words came out as a choke. Without realising it, he had actually started crying. This was really stupid. He wasn't supposed to be so emotionally vulnerable. He just didn't work that way. He almost felt like screaming at himself to get a grip. Luckily the rain was raging so loudly that Sasori couldn't hear anything. He quickly wiped away his years, acting as if he was wiping away the rain on his face before turning to Sasori.
"I'm thinking that you're human, un," Deidara replied with a slight smile.
"What did you take me for previously?" Sasori asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Something akin to a god I suppose," Deidara answered and laughed when Sasori started looking just a tad bit freaked out.
"You sound like one of my rabid fangirls," Sasori said.
"You're just upset I'm not worshipping you like they are, un," Deidara shot back with a mischievous wink which made Sasori crack a small smile.
"Your logic is flawed, Brat."
"I'm just glad you even think that I have logic, Danna, un."
"You must have some logic to get into med school."
"True that, un."
They fell silent afterwards and things felt almost normal again, but Deidara knew that things have changed, at least for him. Sasori might not know anything since he didn't know what Deidara saw but the younger one couldn't pretend that nothing happened.
One thing that he can't deny was that he was afraid. Sasori meant more to him than he had initially thought and the last time he had felt so much for some (his best friend), he had been hurt so badly that he hadn't wanted to trust anyone but himself. But now it seems that Sasori was starting to become someone that he really trusted and possibly even sincerely cared about. It was a bit too much for him to take and he was resolved to not let that happen.
He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he hadn't realised that Sasori had shifted so that he was directly opposite him and he almost screamed when he looked up only to meet Sasori's hazel eyes.
"You think too much," Sasori commented after a while, his eyes still fixed on Deidara.
The blonde had long looked away. Looking Sasori in the eye was way too scary (who cares if one of his eyes was blocked by his hair?) though he would never let the older man know despite the nagging suspicion that Sasori already knew anyway. His eyes were cast outwards towards the beach.
"That's ironic, coming from you, un," Deidara replied.
"I think we have to clear something up, Brat," Sasori said in a tone so amused that Deidara felt compelled to look at him.
"What, un?"
"I don't think."
"What?" Deidara repeated, this time sounding more incredulous. Sasori didn't think? That had to be the biggest lie he had ever heard.
"I usually let nature take its course," Sasori said with a small smile. "It's easier that way."
"It's not that easy, un," Deidara replied as he turned back to look at the beach.
Sasori didn't say anything after that and Deidara didn't see the need to strike up any conversation either. It was comfortable, sitting in the cave which was practically in the middle of nowhere, with the storm covering them from the rest of the world. It felt so good not to have to think about anything. Maybe this was what Sasori meant.
But Deidara knew for a fact that the only reason so many things weren't running through his mind right now was because he was away from the real world. Once he was back there, there would be too many things to think about. He wouldn't even be able to stop them to catch a breath.
Once again he was so caught up with himself that he didn't realise that Sasori had moved. He only registered Sasori's presence when his hair was shifted away from his face and he suddenly found himself staring right into Sasori's hazel orbs.
From there he realised that Sasori was practically right in front of him. Usually he would immediately push him away because he was just anal about his personal space like that but he was so shocked that he couldn't do anything.
"Don't think too much," Sasori said with a tone of finality before standing up and walking out of the cave.
It was only when Sasori was completely gone that Deidara even realised what he said. He let out a breath that he hadn't even known that he was holding and sighed.
"Danna, it's really not that easy, un," he muttered, the cold wind being his only solace.
Firstly, I must apologise that this is so late! I just realised that it's a month since I last updated and I'm feeling really guilty about that. D: So sorry!
But anyway, I guess you could say this chapter is kind of like the starting of their relationship becoming something more? XD
Still, I hope you enjoyed it anyway! ^^ Please review. :D