Double Trouble 27

Chapter 27 'Myself and I'

Only when the boy was in danger of missing his schoolbus did Ri reluctantly let go of Henry. Since finding out he was her son, she could hardly take her eyes off him or keep from hugging him. After hearing nothing but bleak details of her future since coming to Storybrooke - of pain and suffering and the curse that brought them - Ri had finally seen a bright ray of hope. Something that would make enduring all of it worthwhile.

The fear that she'd be lonely forever had been erased in an instant upon learning that the sweet little boy who she already loved would be hers.

He would be Em's son too. That thought gave her mixed joy and pain. She would be getting her chance at motherhood at the expense of Em having to give up her baby. For a decade the three of them would be split in two, not even knowing what they were all missing.

Ri could feel how perfect it'd be. If only they could get their happy ending. Maybe all they needed was a little help...

"Reginaaa," sang Ri innocently, daintily sitting on the couch next to her older self. "Emma's great isn't she? She's so strong and unfailingly loyal and protective. I always feel safe with her. She never breaks her promises. Trust is so important don't you think?"

Regina raised a lazy eyebrow. "I suppose."

"She's really pretty too. I know her choice of attire is sometimes strange, but she is very attractive in those tight pants that give her figure such definition. Did you see her arms the other day when she came out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel? I think she must be quite athletic."

"Indeed."

"And she's wonderful with Henry! Oh I still can't believe he's our son. It's like a dream come true. I have a son who is Em's child as well. Emma is a good mother isn't she?"

"She allows him to have too many sweets," said Regina dismissively.

"Um... and another thing, I think she really likes you," said Ri hesitantly. "I don't know what happened between you two before, but I've noticed things getting better these past few days. Maybe you could give her another chance? I know it's overwhelming but you might like to try again?"

"I might." Regina pursed her lips into a teasing smile.

Ri crinkled her brow and pouted when she finally realised what her older self was doing. "You're humouring me. Why?"

"Emma and I-"

"REALLY?!" Ri squealed before her double could get any more out, and then clapped her hands over her mouth.

"I don't remember ever being able to produce that high-pitched noise."

"You asked her to marry you?" gasped Ri. She had her fists balled up under her chin.

Regina's smile was all teeth and scarlet lipstick. "Not exactly. She loves me. I told her I love her too."

Ri's eyes sparkled. "Oh! How lovely. I am so jealous. I can't even get the words out with Em," the teen finished with a pout.

"You pushed her away and she misunderstood why. The same thing happened with Emma and I last year."

Ri shook her head sadly. "I didn't mean to. I was scared. I'm always scared."

"You look at the world and all you see is threats," said Regina softly. "That isn't necessarily an accurate perception of the way things are. The world we came from was far from fair. My grief led me down a dark path, I suppressed fear only by instilling terror in others. It felt like there was no other option. This world affords a better chance. Many will argue that I can never deserve it but I want to find happiness again."

Regina saw Ri's eyes fill with tears and reached out to stroke her cheek gently. "You already feel the guilt and magnitude of what I've done. Free yourself of those feelings for now. You're here for perhaps a short time but you are not alone like I have been. You have Em. Don't be afraid to tell her how you feel."

A tear dripped down Ri's cheek onto Regina's thumb. "I'm sorry. I don't know how."

"I know it's hard for you. The only real way to deal with fear is to face it."

Ri pouted grumpily at the trite expression. "I suppose that might be irritatingly accurate."

"If you were practicing jumps with Rocinante and he threw you what would you do?"

"That wouldn't happen. I have too good a seat and Rocinante and I are very familiar with one another."

Regina raised her eyebrows and gave her evasive younger self an exacting look. They both knew that her stubborn childhood steed had thrown her several times when they were only newly acquainted.

"Fine!" sighed Ri exasperatedly. "I'd go riding again, you know I would. But this isn't like that. I'm not scared of Rocinante. I wouldn't want to give up riding so I'd definitely try again."

"Don't you think the same principle could apply elsewhere?"

"You mean one day I don't have to be afraid all the time? I can be free?" asked Ri hopefully, searching Regina's face for evidence that she had indeed come through it herself.

The older Regina didn't answer, instead letting the question linger like humidity in the air. The two of them settled into a comfortable peace, one pondering future possibilities, the other letting the door to the past close.

Ri smiled and nodded to herself. "Everybody thinks I'm weak. They think I need to be protected from whatever history has in store for me and that going through all of it won't be worth it in the end. But I'm as strong as I need to be. I could endure anything for my child... and for my girl. You and Emma and Henry will get your happy ending if it's the last thing I do."

"I think we might," agreed Regina.

"But what should I do about Em and I now?" said Ri despondently. "We've hurt each other so badly it seems like nothing can fix it and it just keeps getting worse and worse."

Regina indicated with her eyes to hint at the coat hooks near the door. "First, we should probably go find them. They've been gone long enough. It's cold out don't you think?"

Emma approached the swingset and sat down in the unoccupied one. Em was sitting beside her, not swinging, just staring blankly ahead. To anyone who didn't know what had been going on they looked like a pair of identical twins right down to the expression on their faces.

"Hey," said Emma.

"Hey," returned Em morosely.

"I was eighteen when I had Henry," explained Emma without further preamble.

"Tell me it wasn't Dean cos I am so not goin' there again."

Emma snorted. "No, it wasn't him. I met Neal when I was boosting a car in Phoenix- my car actually."

"You drive a stolen car, Sheriff?" Em raised her eyebrows slyly.

"He was a thief too, we got together for a while. I saw him again recently in New York for the first time in ten years."

"Did you love him," asked Em, scuffing her foot in the sand.

"Yeah, actually I did," admitted Emma, her tone slightly wistful but laced with the bitterness that comes from seeing a rosy past with clearer vision. "But I was young and stupid like you, I would've gone with anyone who seemed like they cared about me. But just because you love someone doesn't mean they're good for you. I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't seen him again."

"So he didn't love you back? Ugh, typical. Why does that always happen to me."

"No, I think he did, but sometimes love isn't enough. I trusted him and- anyway it's a boring story. He left me and I went to prison. That's it."

Em cringed. "The kid was born in jail?"

"Yeah," sighed Emma.

Em kicked off the ground and started swinging back and forth for a while, thinking about the new information about her future self's past. She stopped again abruptly digging her feet in with a crunch.

"But WHY. Why would you give him up? This was my chance to have a family and you let it go. How could you abandon him like that? Like I was."

"I wasn't ready," said Emma defensively. "I was a mess and he deserved a lot better. You don't know what it's like yet, holding this tiny little person who is perfect and helpless and he depends on you for everything. I wasn't good enough for him."

"But at least we would've been together," implored Em.

Emma sighed painfully. "I couldn't take care of him properly. Kids need a lot of stuff. They need a home and someone to guide them and cook for them and teach them how to read. I had nothing to give him."

"So you took your chances, hoping that he'd actually get all that? What if he'd ended up somewhere like the fucking Hendersens huh?"

"I know, I know!" cried Emma, unpleasantly reminded of the guilt she'd carried for years. "There were bad places out there but there were good ones too. I wanted him to have his best chance. He got Regina. He didn't end up unwanted like I did. He won."

Em pondered that quietly. "Ri really wants kids someday. She's gonna be a great Mom."

Emma suspected there was more to the fight between the girls, she knew that Em had some thought running around in her head that was pushing her escape buttons. Something was bothering the teen, something to do with finding out that Henry was both her son and Regina's... and something that had been making her act out against Ri.

"You know, Regina and I fought a lot when we first met. Actually, we starting fighting almost the minute we first laid eyes on each other. Mostly about Henry," admitted Emma.

"So there's no hope for us?" said Em bleakly. "Ri and I don't get together in the future. It just gets worse and worse from here."

"We weren't always fighting last year. We have more in common than you'd think. There were a few moments when we kinda connected. But uh, recently things have... changed for the better."

Em whipped her head around in surprise. "Are you saying-"

"Yeah," Emma smiled and was pleased to see the expression mirrored on her double's face. "I don't know what we are yet but we're something."

"That's awesome! Wow." Em nodded wistfully to herself. Maybe things really would be okay one day. She held up her fist to Emma for a Bro Fist Bump. "Have you been to Second Base yet, Crankypants? Cos if you need any tips just let me know, you could learn a thing or two from me."

Emma groaned. "Oh god why. Why are you so annoying? No, I do not need any help in that area."

"What does a hottie like Regina see in a boring loser like you? I just don't know," said Em with a straight face.

"Probably the same thing Ri sees in you."

Em looked away sadly. "Yeah? What's that."

"Well, maybe you should ask her why she loves you. Why don't you tell me why you've been treating her like crap since the other night."

Em leaned her head against the chain of the swing. "You already know don't you."

"Pretend I don't."

"You said it before. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they're good for you."

"You're afraid of Ri? Because of who she grows up to be?"

"No!" denied Em angrily. "You know full well I meant me. I'm bad for her. Look what happened the other night when we were together. I broke her heart. She told me what happens in the book, the Evil Queen wanted vengeance for her broken heart. I can't do that to her. I don't want to be one of the people who puts her on that path. I won't."

"That's not going to happen, Em."

"You don't know that. I just want her to be happy. I want her to have everything she wishes for."

"Like marriage, children?"

"I knew she was Henry's Mom. I figured that she was with some guy, her husband, but he was no longer in the picture. I didn't want to get in the way of that happening for Ri. I didn't want to ruin her chance of becoming a mother. She'd be crushed if Henry was never born, she loves him so much already."

Emma nodded slowly. "You know the truth now. It's actually the opposite, she gets to become a mother because of you. It's you who brings Henry into this world."

Em sniffled wetly and drew the back of her hand across her nose. "Yeah. I'd do anything to make Ri happy. I feel so bad for hurting her. I'm bad for her. I hate myself sometimes."

Emma got up off the swing and went to crouch down in front of Em's feet. The teen avoided her gaze though, stubbornly hiding the tears in her eyes.

"You are not bad," said Emma softly. "I know what everyone keeps saying and it's hard not to believe it... but it's not true. You are not a bad kid. You're actually a really good kid."

Em started to sob, so Emma cupped her flushed face with one hand on either side, smoothing the wisps of blonde hair back.

"I know your whole life has sucked," whispered Emma. "It's a crapfest, especially now at seventeen. You're not a kid anymore but you're not old enough to be a full adult and so you're stuck in some kind of purgatory where the adults don't take proper care of you but you can't take care of yourself yet either. I promise you, life does get better. It won't always be like this. You won't always be powerless... and you won't always be alone."

"I'm so sick of it!" cried Em thickly. "I don't wanna be alone anymore."

"I know we don't know what's going to happen but you've got a chance here that I never had. You've got a chance to be with Ri now, while you're both here. Don't waste it."

Emma placed her hands on her younger self's jean-clad knees. "And maybe you could try to get to know Henry?"

"Can't believe he's my kid," murmured Em. Her eyes unfocused as she tried to remember everything she'd said to him. She wished now that she'd paid more attention and hadn't ignored him quite so much. He's mine. I have a kid. No wonder he's such a brat!

The Emma's were still sitting on the swings in the park, staring absentmindedly and occasionally talking to each other, when they noticed they were no longer alone.

The Regina's were now standing at the edge of the sand and each of them was holding a jacket that belonged to her respective Emma. They looked like identical twins but for their haircuts and their stances: Ri always stood lightly on the front of her feet like she expected to spring off at any moment, Regina was much more solidly grounded as if the gravity of her past constantly dragged her down.

The younger brunette looked frightfully nervous and stayed back when Regina approached them. Emma got up and allowed Regina to slip the jacket around her, looking like they were about to leave.

Em glanced at Ri and then shot her older self a panicked look. "Hey, you're leaving me?" whispered the teen worriedly.

"What are you afraid of?" teased Emma. "Ri's a little sweetie. I've got the scary older meaner one."

Regina jabbed her in the ribs for that jibe. "Em, don't listen to your older self. It'll be fine. Just... wait for her to tell you, otherwise she won't get it out."

The pair of adults continued to bicker and banter as they left the park. As they passed a nervous-looking Ri, Emma gave her shoulder a little squeeze and whispered some words of encouragement in her ear.

Once they were gone, Ri approached Em and held out the sports jacket. "A-are you cold? You ran out without your jacket. Here."

Em accepted it with a small smile of thanks and put it on wordlessly.

"Oh Em, you look like you've been crying, are you ok?" Ri fidgeted and looked at her feet. "I don't like it when we fight. But... even when we're mad at each other... I find that I still... feel the same way about you... Maybe it's like that for you too?"

Em groaned internally. Oh this is so painful! Waiting for Ri to speak up could take forever. All she wanted was to throw her arms around the other girl so they could make up, but she wanted to give Ri the chance to figure things out herself for once.

"Henry's gone to school by now." Ri frowned slightly, seemingly afraid of re-introducing the topic that'd led to their fight. "Um... I didn't know that you didn't know he was yours... and I didn't know he was mine. But he is... he's our son and maybe we should … have a talk about that. Later."

Ri swallowed hard. "I'm so sorry for shouting at you, Em. I said very unkind things. I just get so worried about Henry sometimes that I can't think of anything else."

Em nodded and spoke softly. "I'm sorry too, Ri. You were right, I was jealous. I guess I resented him because I thought it meant you and I didn't end up together. I was a jerk - to both of you. You don't know how much I regret that now."

"I know how much it must hurt to find out that you gave up your child. But Emma and Regina are together now, do you know? I think we're going to be a family one day. Maybe things really will be ok for us in the end. You and I have more in common than it seems, even though we're from different worlds and different times. We both want the same things in life, I feel."

They lapsed into an awkward silence. Em kicked the sand under her swing and traced out a few patterns.

"Em? I have something I want to tell you."

Em froze but didn't interrupt.

"Fine," Ri sighed and took a deep breath to buoy her courage. "You don't have to say anything, you can just listen. You were right before when you said I don't know anything about the world. Most people overlook me and hardly anyone ever listens to me or asks me what I think or feel about anything - except you. You were the first person I met here but you were also the first person who ever cared enough to hear me, even when I didn't speak at all. When you said you loved me the other night I was scared and my heart got overwhelmed. I'm sorry I hurt you and pushed you away. I know you're listening so I'll say it anyway:

"I love you."

Unable to stand it another second, Em leaped off the swing and threw her arms around Ri and held her tight. She could feel the petite girl's hot form trembling against her.

"I love you so much, Ri!" whispered Em, burying her face in silky dark hair.

"I can't tell you how dearly I've missed holding you, Em," sighed Ri.

"Missed you too. I'm never gonna let you go ever again ok? Never ever."

Ri giggled. "Then we shall be an odd-looking pair trying to walk around wrapped up in each other like this."

"Don't care," laughed Em.

"It ought to make bathing rather interesting."

Em snorted. "Ahm, no, it'd make it very interesting."

Ri pulled back a little so she could look her in the eyes. "Em, I want you to know. I want you to understand what happened the other night. I'm really sorry I let you take the blame for getting us in trouble. You don't know what it's like where I come from. I'm only worth my marriage value and without that... I panicked. I don't know if we were supposed to love each other or not, but it feels so right. I wanted to be with you that way."

Em tilted her head sympathetically. "Ri, just because you want something doesn't mean you should take it. But I don't care if we're supposed to be together, all I know is I love you more than anything and I'd wait for you forever. You're worth everything to me. I'll do anything to make sure we get our family, I promise you I'll make it happen. Whatever it takes."

"Me too."

Em went to kiss her and paused millimetres away, letting Ri close the final distance herself. It was soft and sweet and chaste but it sealed the deal.

"Does this mean you're my girlfriend again?" said Ri.

"Nuh uh. It means you're my girlfriend."

Ri frowned playfully. "That's the same thing! Surely this is a commutative arrangement."

Em retorted in the same tone. "Nope. You're mine. I said I loved you first."

"That doesn't necessarily mean you were the first one to fall in love though."

"Of course I was first. It was love at first sight for me."

"Me too," Ri raised her chin smugly. "I was first because I saw you in the woods before you saw me."

Em opened her mouth as if to reply and paused. Damn.

"See! I'm right," declared Ri triumphantly.

"It doesn't really matter who was first does it? The important thing is we're together now."

"You're only saying that because you lost the argument."

Em laughed, indicating that she was just having her on. "Yep. I'm glad we met in the woods that day, Ri. Imagine if we'd missed each other? Maybe we wouldn't have fallen in love. Maybe we wouldn't have even met."

"That is a strange thought. What happens to someone if they never end up meeting their true love? I wonder if they miss their chance completely? We could've passed right by each other and never known how things could've been."

"I dunno. It's weird that we're together anyway. Technically we're not supposed to be here, so we were never meant to meet when we did."

"We would've been like them and met for the first time as adults."

"Yeah." Em scrunched her face, clearly unhappy with the idea of having to wait that long.

Ri's brow creased with worry. "What happens when we have to go back to where we came from? Emma and Regina don't remember being us so that means we won't remember each other. We'll each be alone again and we won't even know it."

Em cupped Ri's face and looked at her earnestly. "Do you trust me? I can find anyone I'm looking for. I will find you again one day. I always keep my promises."

"But we won't remember-"

Em winked. "Don't worry, I'll do something to get your attention. You won't miss it."

"Knowing you it'll be something loud and obnoxious, Em," Ri teased, tickling her around the middle.

Em laughed. "Probably."

Ri smiled beautifully and draped her hands around Em's neck, letting her wrists cross. "Then I'll give you something sweet, to remember me by."

"There's nothing sweeter than you, Ri."

"You'd better make sure. Kiss me again," murmured Ri, mere seconds before Em's lips captured hers.