Sorry about the absence, wrote a longer chapter than usual to make up for it. thank you all for your lovely reviews so far and for faving/following. I'm glad there's so much support for this fic. every time I get the email notification it drives me to write more, so thank you again! :) - strike
At breakfast, I don't ask him about yesterday's disappearance. I try to act as if it hadn't occurred. It's a difficult balancing act—talking just enough to make the situation feel normal, but not so much that it seems like I'm overcompensating. He's content to humour me with short responses, and occasionally his blue eyes leave his plate long enough to meet my gaze, but reading his emotions from his face is still a challenge.
I'd give anything to know what he's thinking when he looks at me.
I feel like I'm being annoying and clingy, but I can't help it. After the collapse of Shield, I was so afraid of being found by Hydra that I shut myself away and avoided interacting with people. It's been a long time since I've visited anyone or entertained guests, other than Sena's occasional drop-by visits.
Well, it's not like I had a huge friend-circle before, anyway. At least I had people to socialize with at Shield. There's no one left who experienced first-hand the utter hell that unfolded during that short time I spent in Pierce's lab.
There are days when I find myself thinking it never happened, and that I'd just imagined it all. Some kind of psychological mechanism to deal with the trauma, probably.
His presence grounds me back to reality, and it's oddly reassuring.
"Are you feeling alright?" He catches me off guard with the question.
"I'm fine. Sorry I talk so much." I smile, embarrassed.
He sets his fork down, studies me for a minute.
"You want to ask something." He runs a hand through his hair, his eyes locked on my face. Am I that obvious?
"Actually, I was planning to visit Dr. Nikolav today… you remember him, right? The Russian man you met at my house last year." I pick up our empty dishes and busy myself at the sink so he doesn't see my face as I try to figure out how to word my next question.
"Do you want me to come with you?"
Well, looks like I don't have to ask after all.
"You don't have to if you don't want to." I glance at him over my shoulder as I turn on the tap.
"I don't mind." He shrugs, watching me contemplatively.
"Are you sure? I don't want to force you to spend time with me."
"I don't dislike it." He says it so simply, but damn, he doesn't know relieved I am to hear those words.
When we arrive at the Psychology Complex, we find Alma sitting in the lobby staring into space, despite the open textbook on the table in front of her. It's hard to believe the last time I saw her, I was on a mission to steal data for Hydra.
"Elise!" She almost falls while stumbling out of her chair. She's already embraced me with such vigour that she doesn't notice the man beside me, who has wisely stepped back to avoid the flailing limbs.
"Good God, girl, I thought you died in the Shield collapse. How could you just bail without telling us? And Dr. Nikolav didn't know anything about where you were or what happened to you. I was so worried!" She grips my arms as she scowls at me.
"I'm sorry Alma, it was a lot of stress to deal with and it took time to recover. I saw a lot of people die that day." I plaster an apologetic smile on my face as I try—and fail—to block the memories that now slip through the cracks of my conscience. The image of Chris lunging at me, and the feeling of my hand trembling before I pulled the trigger. It's so vivid.
Bucky clears his throat and the memories momentarily vanish.
Alma notices him for the first time and releases me.
Her eyes fill with excitement as she looks between us, and I cringe before the question even comes out of her mouth.
"Oh my god, is this your boyfriend? The one who gave you that cute necklace?" She beams at me, and I find myself wishing she didn't have such good memory.
"No, he's not my boyfriend. I… things didn't work out with that guy." I plaster a smile on my face.
The awkwardness of the situation is compounded by the fact that Bucky is likely aware of who she's talking about.
"Oh, that's too bad." She frowns. There's a momentary silence, and then her face lights up again as she quickly changes the conversation topic.
"So did you work at Shield with Elise?" She focuses her attention on Bucky, and he looks vaguely uncomfortable, but he nods.
"You guys should have brought Michael along! We haven't heard from him in forever, either." She frowns.
She really couldn't have brought up a worse topic.
I don't want to be the person to break the news to Alma that Michael isn't coming back, not when she was so fond of him. I only need to glance at Bucky's face to see that he's physically rooted to his spot, but mentally desperate to flee from this conversation. Does he think I'm about to tell Alma that he killed Michael?
Of course I wouldn't.
I open my mouth to speak, and that's when Dr. Nikolav exits the nearby administrative office with fantastic timing. He reads the tense situation immediately and leaps into action.
"Elise! James!" His over-exaggerated, enthusiastic greeting washes away the silence, and he smiles at us as he approaches, pretending to be ignorant of the awkward atmosphere that preceded his arrival.
"I'll be kidnapping these two, if you don't mind, Alma."
"But I didn't get to tell Elise about my study results!" She protests.
"She's not going to disappear, Alma. Don't you kids have cell phones and Facebook and such? Send her an email." Dr. Nikolav waves her concerns off with a lighthearted chuckle as he gestures for the two of us to follow him to the lab doors.
I give Alma an apologetic look, but Bucky seems relieved to be rid of her company.
Dr. Nikolav swipes his ID card and holds the security door open for us.
"Any secret data gathering missions I should know about this time?" He jokes, giving me a knowing wink.
"None. I've stayed clear of Hydra and Shield, thank you very much." I frown.
"Good, that's the answer I wanted to hear." He smiles, then looks at Bucky. "How about a tour of the lab for our outsider friend? How have you been, James? Enjoying your freedom from Hydra, I hope?"
Bucky forces a faint smile but doesn't reply, and I note the way Dr. Nikolav's confidence momentarily falters as he attempts to interpret what the silent answer means. I see the furtive glance he shoots me and I know Bucky's Hydra-related activities will be a point of discussion between us in the near future.
Almost instantly though, he's back to his wide, jovial smile and is beckoning us forward as he begins an enthusiastic narration of his lab 'tour'. There's not much to see, of course. Still the same labyrinth of claustrophobia-inducing halls, walls lined with decades-old research posters; still the same tiny research rooms filled with computers from another era; still the same scattering of offices crammed with multiple desks and tired, overworked grad students.
Nothing has changed since I was last here, and it's comforting considering how much else has changed in the outside world.
We hear laughter up ahead and Dr. Nikolav stops at an open lab door.
"Ah, and here we've got an experiment in progress!" He smiles, "Shall we observe?"
He leaves us little choice; he's already entered the room. Much to my discomfort, it turns out the experiment in progress is an EEG test, much like the ones we ran on Bucky in Pierce's lab. I steal a glance at him. His face is hard to read, but I follow his gaze and find him watching the students as they adjust the participant's electrode cap and joke with her about how long it'll take to get the gel out of her hair.
"Why don't you two come grab a coffee with me in my office, hmm?" Dr. Nikolav turns to me, "I think our little tour is pretty much complete."
I glance at Bucky wordlessly, and he nods his consent. As we leave the room, I trail back and fall into step with him. His eyes flicker around the hallways, passively studying everything he sees. He glances into every room, examines the facial expression of every person we pass.
I wish I knew what was going through his head.
We go up a flight of stairs and enter the faculty office hallway—wide, spacious, and decorated with large replica art prints, unlike the hallways below. Dr. Nikolav stops before his post-it-note clad door, fishing for his keys in his pockets.
"This certainly brings back memories." He smiles at me, then turns to Bucky, "Elise spent a lot of time crying in my office when her first publication came back from a journal with negative reviews."
"I did no such thing." I reply with mock indignation.
To my surprise, a smile tugs at Bucky's lips. He lifts a hand to rub the back of his neck and the sober, expressionless façade returns. It's like seeing a glimpse of the sun behind the clouds on an overcast day.
This small feat is an apparent victory for Dr. Nikolav, though. He pushes the door open with enthusiastic energy, ushering us inside.
"Come in, my friends. Have a seat, and I'll be back with the coffee." He disappears down the hallway as we settle into the chairs in front of his cluttered desk.
I watch as Bucky picks up a small crystal skull paperweight containing a tiny replica brain. It was actually a Christmas gift I gave to Dr. Nikolav a couple years ago, one that he evidently only uses for decoration.
"You worked here before you were at Shield?" He asks.
"Yeah, for about three years. Before that, I was a student here for four years." I watch him return the delicate object to the desk.
"So… those people, they're researchers too?" He fixes his blue eyes on me.
I nod.
"I didn't believe you when you said you were being nice to me because it was part of your job. I've never met researchers like you. Not until today." He replies, his gaze flickering away.
"Those Hydra guys… Sure, some of them are just bad people. But a lot of them are good people who do bad things because they're forced to by people like Pierce."
"…What am I?"
"You're not a bad person, Bucky." I add softly, "If you were a bad person, you would have let Hydra win."
"If I was a good person, I would have stopped them." He replies coldly.
"That's not true, it's not that simple. You can't blame yourself. I couldn't stop them either, none of us could. We can't do anything about it now." I frown.
A momentary silence passes.
"Why did you bring me here, Elise?" His voice is low, and I can't read the emotion in his tone. He doesn't meet my gaze.
I don't know how to respond. I hadn't really been planning for this trip to be a lesson on morality or a way to boost his self-esteem. I just thought it'd be a good break.
I open my mouth to fumble out a response when the professor returns with coffee, closing the door behind him.
The fact that he closed it completely isn't lost on me; Dr. Nikolav is the type to leave the door cracked open 98% of the time, even if he's talking to students—it's his way of making sure people know he's in his office.
Apparently this is more than a coffee break, and he doesn't want to be disturbed in the middle of an important discussion. If he's about to bring up something serious, though, he doesn't show it.
"Elise, do you mind moving all that junk?" He nods his head towards the stacks of paperwork taking up much of the deskspace.
"Junk? Aren't these the grant applications you're writing?" I place them gingerly to one side.
"In their current state, they're junk." He chuckles, "I may ask you to do me a favour at some point and do a little editing for me."
I grunt my disapproval, but he ignores me and puts the tray of mugs down before taking his seat across from us at the desk.
"Now, let me get straight to the chase." His gaze settles on me, "I know you quite well, Elise, and I have a feeling you've shut yourself away in your house this past year. No job, yes?"
I frown as I pick up one of the coffee mugs, the distinctively bitter smell reminding me that I can barely tolerate the vile stuff.
"Shield paid me pretty well, so I've been keeping low and living off savings." I reply cautiously, unsure of where he intends to go with this conversation.
"Shield is gone. Hydra is gone."
I open my mouth to say that isn't necessarily true, but he puts up a hand to silence me.
"Even if they aren't gone, they'll still find you if you're hiding. They probably already know where you are." He glances at Bucky briefly, and he glances at me in turn. I realize I didn't tell him about the conversation I had on the phone yesterday.
"There's no point in hiding." Dr. Nikolav goes on, "So I'm trying to convince you to come back and work in the lab again."
"…As a research assistant?"
"For the meantime, yes, but ultimately as a post-doc student." He corrects me, "The application cycle is ending soon, as you know."
"I'm not guaranteed a post-doc position just because you want me here." I frown.
"Oh, I'm not concerned. You have a strong record, I'm sure you'll get in. It's true that the Shield-Hydra incident may raise some questions, but I'm sure we'll find a way to convince them." He gives a reassuring smile.
I look down at my steaming coffee.
I just… I don't know if I have the heart for research anymore. I may have only spent a short time in Alexander Pierce's lab, but it was enough time for various people to convince me my curiosity and desire to learn are bad things. Doesn't help that their words were reinforced with the threat of death.
I feel the heat of Bucky's gaze on me, and even without looking at him I know he's giving me that same contemplative look he wore when he asked me if I was going to see Rumlow at the hospital.
What does it mean, in this context? Is he encouraging me?
"I'll consider it." I mumble. The professor is right, I can't live off savings forever. Hydra already knows my whereabouts, so if I'm going to die at some point anyway, I'd rather not be living off instant noodles in the future.
"Excellent. Now..." Dr. Nikolav turns his wide smile on Bucky. "You're a fairly strong guy, aren't you? Our animal research lab deals with a lot of shipments of fish and equipment, and we could use an extra hand unloading the trucks. Part-time, flexible hours and such."
"You're offering me a job?" Bucky raises a vexed eyebrow, then his eyes fill with suspicion, "Why?"
"You're staying with Elise right now, aren't you?" Dr. Nikolav is careful to keep a non-judgemental expression, but Bucky's eyes immediately flicker my way.
"I'm sorry. I told him about your injury, I was really concerned. I swear I didn't know he was planning to do all this, though." I give a flustered apology, but he just frowns.
"Where have you been staying before that?" Dr. Nikolav pushes bluntly forward into territory I hadn't dared encroach on, and I'm worried that his questions are too invasive.
"Safehouses." Bucky picks up the coffee mug in front of him and takes a cautious sip.
"What? But Hydra and Shield know about those… what if they caught you off guard?" My brow furrows in concern.
"How do you think I got this injury?" I'll be damned if that's not a smirk and a sarcastic lilt in his voice.
"And Elise is renting an apartment from a friend, yes?" Dr. Nikolav nonchalantly opens a third packet of sugar and dumps it into his coffee.
I nod.
"Why don't the two of you rent an apartment? If Elise works as a post-doc and James helps us out in the lab as I mentioned, I'm sure you could manage between you. At least temporarily, the arrangement would be suitable for both of you." Dr. Nikolav seems pleased with the solution he's devised.
What he didn't mention—and perhaps the reason he suggested this arrangement—is that it's also a good way to have someone capable nearby in case Hydra comes after me at any point.
Damn, but this is an awkward thing to bring up. Hey, why don't you guys live alone together for the long-term, despite the fact that you're strangers and of the opposite sex?
Dr. Nikolav downs his coffee like he's drinking a shot, and then places the mug down decisively on the desk as if the matter's been settled.
"I realize this isn't a decision that can be made on the spot. You two should probably talk it over. Whether you decide to go through with it is up to you, but let me know if you want to do it." He smiles, "I know a real estate agent who owes me a favour, I'm sure she'd be willing to help you out for free."
I eye him critically, trying to figure out what his motives are, but he avoids my gaze with a sneaky smile, picking up the stack of papers in front of him.
"Now, I think I've procrastinated enough today." He waves them at us, "I'll see you two around, perhaps."
Nice. Leave me to discuss this with Bucky, alone. No pressure.
As we leave Dr. Nikolav's office and close the door behind us, I finally get the chance to speak my mind.
"Look, I didn't set this up, I promise. You asked why I brought you here," I hold his gaze, "It really was just to visit Dr. Nikolav. I had no idea he wanted to discuss anything."
"I know." He starts walking, "I believe you."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told him without asking you first."
"He was right, though." He replies. I wait for him to elaborate on what exactly the professor was right about, but he doesn't. He doesn't say another word as we leave the psychology complex, or even as we're crossing campus.
I'm mulling over his words with such concentration that I don't see the rogue cyclist approaching on the sidewalk until it's almost too late—but by then Bucky has pushed me out of the way and taken the full brunt of the collision. In the ensuing chaos, there's the sound of bodies colliding with the pavement, mumbled cussing and metal clashing against metal.
"Oh god, are you okay?" I momentarily forget about the cyclist, my eyes drawn to the fact that Bucky is clenching his abdomen in the area he'd been stabbed in. He moves his hand, and I see the tinge of crimson that seeps through the fabric of his shirt.
Damn it! His wound must have reopened.
"Shit, are you bleeding bro?" The cyclist looks at him in alarm, and my anger immediately ramps up.
"Don't bro him! Why the hell are you riding your bike on the sidewalk, asshole?" I explode with rage, pointing at the bike lying in the gutter, its wheels still spinning. I help Bucky to his feet as the cyclist blurts out continuous apologies and I'm so sorry, I didn't mean its.
"Get the hell out of our way." I snap back, levelling a glare at him. He does as told, and I return my attention to Bucky only to find him chuckling at me.
"You don't have to get so angry for me." He's actually smiling.
"You don't have to get yourself killed for me." I frown. He must have a very morbid sense of humour if this is the time he chooses to lighten up.
"I didn't think about it." He shrugs, wincing slightly at the pain the action induces. I look at the growing blood stain on his shirt and my lips twist into a frown.
"We need to get you home."
Not 'my place'. Home. I said it without thinking.
...Maybe because it feels more like one now.