How It Happened Chapter 4
Grace
I walk over to my wonderful husband and he pulls me down into his lap. He doesn't need to say anything more, and I couldn't vocalize anything either at this moment anyway. Knowing he's in this with me, that he wants Christian too… He gently kisses me on the forehead and rubs my back. Then I hear him chuckle and have to look up. Christian is looking at us with an expression of confusion and distaste. "Like I said," Carrick whispers, "I don't think he likes me very much."
I see his smile so I smile and whisper back. "Well, I just found out 'he' has a name, it's Christian, and he'll just have to get over it." I turn to address that darling little boy. "Christian, you're going to have to get used to this. Carry and I are really close friends. In fact, we're so close that we share the same house." I get a quizzical look in response. I'm not sure he knows what I mean. "Carrick is my husband. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
He looks intently at me with that same questioning expression, but then his eyes dart back and forth from Carrick to me. His expression gets more and more anxious and afraid. "Oh Darling, no… no… it's OK." I try to settle him as I can see him starting to shake. " He's a good man. He's a good man, Christian." Well, if the size of the bruises on his body weren't enough evidence, then this display makes it pretty safe to say that some man in his mother's messed-up life, was the abuser. I have to wonder if he witnessed her being abused as well. Sadly, it seems quite likely.
I move to sit on Christian's bed to comfort him. "You are OK now. I like Carrick. In fact I love him. And he loves me. It's good, Christian."
"Christian?" Carrick softly tries to get his attention, "It's a very good thing." Christian looks over to Carrick and I can tell he is very unsure about anything Carrick is going to say right now. He watches Carrick like a hawk as he walks around the bed where there's room for him to sit too. This time, he doesn't ask, he just sits. "I'll be coming to visit with you here and Dr. Grace will be here with me. We like being together. It makes us feel good. It makes us happy. See? Like this!" He leans over and kisses me. We hear a small squeal and when we look up we see something heartbreaking. Christian is shaking again and leaning forward, hiding his face in his blanket.
I try to get Christian's attention. "Darling?... Darling look at me… Look. I'm fine." I reach over to gently rub his shoulder. He screams and moves back away from me. I will never forget that look on his face at this moment. Utter terror and pain… Why do I feel like I've just undone everything? "I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to hurt you."
Christian is hugging that filthy blanket for dear life, again hiding his face from us. Carrick rubs my back again in a silent gesture of assurance. Thank God he's here with me, us, right now. I feel awful.
"Gracie? He had to have witnessed and endured some awful stuff," Carrick whispers. "It's going to take time, Baby. Really, it hasn't even been one day. You go on to work. You go on duty in fifteen minutes. I'll stay with him and you can come back in a little bit. OK? Let me have a few minutes here." He continues to rub my back. "It was my kiss that upset him. I need to try to fix this." I have tears running down my cheeks and I can't find a way to speak, but I nod to him and get up to leave the room.
/
Carrick
Christian is going to be a challenge. He's got some emotional scars that seem pretty extensive. I hope we know what we're doing. I'm looking at the top of his copper colored head as he rocks back and forth, face buried in that gawd awful blanket. It is so filthy, it has to smell terrible. How can he stand to have his face in that thing?
I remember my own blanket I had as a young boy. It would get really dirty too, but it always felt safe. It smelled like laundry detergent and my house. Oh!... that's it. This pathetic thing smells like his house. Maybe even smells like his mother…
"Christian?" I ask gently. "Can you look at me, please?" He just continues to rock back and forth. No acknowledgement that I'm even here. We're back to this again? "Christian. I need you to look at me, now." The rocking stops, but the face is still buried. "If you can't look at me, I'll have to take the blanket away. I don't want to do that." Why did I even threaten that? I can't imagine what he'd be like if I actually took it from him!
He hugs tighter, but thankfully pulls his face away slightly. Still he hangs his head and makes no eye contact with me. "I think I scared you and I'm sorry about that. I think you find most men scary. Am I right?" Still no eye contact, but at least a slight nod. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I will try not to make you feel like that again. You were worried I was going to hurt Dr. Grace?" This time the nod is accompanied by tears on is cheeks
A simple kiss and this is what you do? What you must have witnessed… "Oh, Buddy… I would never hurt Dr. Grace. I love her. Do you understand what that means?" Nothing. "Dr. Grace feels very sad because she thinks she hurt you. I hope you will still let her come in here and be your doctor. She really wants you to get better." Christian is still avoiding looking at me, but he does look over to the door and lets out a quiet whimper. "I know. You feel so much better when Grace is here." Christian turns and looks directly at me, as if truly noticing me for the first time. I see him look over my face. He wipes his eyes and hugs that awful blanket with the first peaceful expression I've seen on his face.
"Well, I agree she is something special. You know what she did? She brought you something while you were sleeping." I get up and walk back around the bed to the bag Gracie had packed. "Let's see what we have here…" I expected to pull out the rest of the books, but notice something extra. So I play it up a little. I look directly at Christian while I reach in and pull out a small box. "Oh! Listen to that!" I say as I shake it for him to hear it rattle. "What's in here?"
Christian's eyes light up in a questioning excitement. "Do you know what's in here? I don't know what's in here. It's a surprise!" I give my goofiest, wide-eyed expression I can muster. Christian doesn't laugh, but there is almost a smile.
Just then the nurse comes in. She must have already spoken to Grace because she doesn't even ask me if I am supposed to be in here. She begins talking to Christian about what she needs to do. It is obvious he is terrified of her getting anywhere near him. "Can't you wait for the doctor?" I ask. "He's really not feeling comfortable with this right now."
She goes about prepping whatever it is she's about to do. "I'm sorry Sir, it's marked on his chart that he should still be receiving the nutrient IVs and his bandages need to be changed. I'll be careful." She smiles and adds "We don't work in pediatrics by accident." Christian seems to know what she's planning to do because he is white as a ghost and his grey eyes couldn't look any more terrified. Thankfully, Grace comes back in at that moment.
She stands next to his bed with a pained and unsure look on her face. She's still upset about what happened. But then I see concern and sadness. I can tell by the change in Gracie's expression, she just wants to hug this poor little thing and I'm surprised when she doesn't. She sits down on the bed and looks right at him. Christian sees her, the color comes instantly back into his cheeks and his breathing calms a bit. But Grace? Is she doing OK?
"Christian," she starts quietly. "I'm so sorry if I hurt you. We do need to change the bandages again. It will make the burns feel so much better, so much faster. Shall we try like we did it last night?" She puts her hands up to him and he lets out a small, stifled grunt. "I know. But we have to. Go ahead. Squeeze away, Little Man." He reaches out his hands in her direction.
While Grace was occupying Christian's attention, the nurse replaced the IV. Then I saw her move to stand more behind him so she would be out of his line of vision. Christian takes one of Grace's fingers in each hand and closes his eyes tightly. The nurse works quickly to re-bandage the burns. It is the first I get to see the extent of the abuse… dark bruised shoulder blades, several different round burns on his skin… I see how tightly he is holding Grace's fingers, but Grace doesn't flinch. She just looks at him with a look I've seen many times before with Elliot. If I hadn't already agreed, there would be no way to deny it now. We have to make Christian part of our family, because seeing this? It's evident he already is.