How It Happened

Chapter 12

I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe and I realize I am actually taking in all the sights and sounds of the world; the leaves changing colors, the smell of autumn in the wind… With everything that's been occupying me at the hospital; I must have shut all this out over the last several days.

Carrick and I signed the adoption papers today. Jackson was right, we're first in line. The clerk even had to make a call to someone to get the rest of the information on the case. He didn't know anything about it yet, other than where Christian will be placed within the foster care system. I'm looking out the window as we drive back to the hospital, taking in the beauty of early autumn in Michigan. The trees are getting a little orange and red, and I can't help it. I can't seem to stop the silly grin on my face!

Carry reaches over and takes my hand and lifts it to his lips for a gentle kiss. I feel like there is nothing in the world that can ruin this moment. Then my pager goes off. "Oh shoot! Carry! Can you pull over please? I need to call the hospital." I'm overtaken with panic. What if Christian…? I don't know what, but I'm fearing the worst. Suddenly, I feel guilty for not being there all morning. I hate trying to use the car phone for medical business because of the noise, but I can't wait for a land line. Someday I hope they make a phone you can just keep in your purse. That would make things so much easier!

Carry pulls to the shoulder of the road so I can have it a little quieter while I call. My hands are shaking while I press the buttons to dial. "This is Dr. Trevelyan. Is there an issue with Chris… Oh… Of course…" My heart seems to relax a bit when I find out it's nothing to do with Christian, but I'm reminded that my profession does not allow me to think only of one patient. "Yes… I was off duty for a while this morning, but I'm on my way in right now… Vitals?... Right. Did you get an X-ray?... Well start the IV. I should be there is less than twenty… Ok. Thank you." So the world continues to spin and there is another child who needs Dr. Grace. Carrick heads back onto the road to take me to work.

I was surprised when he parked in the staff parking, rather than just letting me off at the entrance. I give him a quizzical look. "What?" he asks me in an almost offended tone. "Can't I just visit with him for a while?" I start to explain that being my husband does not give him rights to my patients. "No, but being as we're planning to adopt him, don't I get some rights to visit with him?" I suddenly realize he means Christian. I'm a little surprised by this actually, and I guess my expression conveys this.

Carrick looks directly at me and says something that hits me like a tidal wave. "Maybe I haven't had as much time with him as you have, and maybe I wasn't the one who tended to his injuries when he first came in, but I wouldn't have agreed to adopt him purely because you were ready to rip your heart out over him. Christian is not all yours, Gracie. He's going to be mine, too. He's going to be 'ours.' Not just because you fell for him. I did too. I love that little boy."

It's strange how even as adults, we tend to forget that other people have their own eyes and hearts to see and feel…. It's not that I didn't know Carrick cared about Christian, but this proverbial kick in the pants has allowed me to truly understand how much he cares for him. He's not just doing this for me; he really, truly wants him too.

My eyes begin to water and I have to blink back the tears. Emotions begin to just pour over me right now… Love- How much I love Carrick, our family, Elliot & Christian… Fear- that I've somehow offended and hurt my husband, for how this is all going to affect Elliot, anything and everything having to do with Christian. It just scares the hell out of me… My husband's voice pulls me back to the moment. "So, can you give me a rational reason why I shouldn't go in there to see the child who is, most likely, going to be my son?"

I answer silently with a shake of my head, then give him another genuine 'Gracie' smile to match the one he got last night. "Of course. I think that's a wonderful idea." I place my hand on his cheek and give him a gentle kiss. "I'm so sorry, Carrick." The look in his eyes tells me all is forgiven.

We both get out of the car and head toward the elevators. As we ride to the pediatric floor together, I reach over to take his hand. "You know I love you, right? And not just for your good looks and lawyer salary."

He chuckles at my little joke and adds "Come on Baby, you know how hard my mother was badgering me to find myself a rich doctor." He kisses my knuckles, then lets go to put his arm around me. I feel him pull me close and kiss my temple.

Carrick stayed with Christian for about thirty minutes. He read him another story and I saw him writing something with him. He's probably never held a writing implement in his life before. He is only four. Writing isn't something most four year olds excel at anyway. But it was a great way for them to bond.

Carry told me he still looks at him with a very unsure expression, and that his blanket is never very far away. However, he does seem to be less afraid. We can't expect to undo the last few years in just a few days. He's coming back later with Elliot so we can all have dinner together.

The day goes surprisingly quickly. Before I know it, I'm standing at the nurses' station and see Carrick and Elliot coming off the elevator. Those bouncy blond curls run up to me for a big hug. I love that feeling! That deep love from my son to me and right back again! I wish I could have it with Christian. We're still not exactly sure what the touch boundaries are. Dr. Evans told me his fear may be a form of PTSD, and that with therapy and time, it may wane or dissipate all together. I sure hope so. How hard would that be? To mother a child you love so deeply but never be able to hug him? It makes me tear up again.

Carry sees my eyes turning watery and kisses me gently on the head. "We'll see you when your shift is over. I have dinner being delivered for the three of us in an hour. Will that be about right?" My husband is so thoughtful. I assure him we can have Christian's dinner served when ours arrives. I just need to call the kitchen and arrange it.

Carrick and Elliot have been in with Christian for about forty five minutes. I'm officially off duty now and am walking to Christian's room when I see the Colliers, I mean Ben and Helen, exiting off the elevator. I've grown to have so much respect for this couple, although right now I'm a bit saddened. I was hoping for a family dinner, just the four of us. But I greet them happily anyway.

"Ben! Helen! I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow afternoon. I just got off duty and was about to join Carrick and Elliot in Christian's room…"

"Oh, we don't want to intrude," Helen says with a look that tells me she feels bad for interrupting our plans. Looking to Ben she adds "We just had a couple free hours while the other kids are at a church youth function and thought…"

"No, please," I find myself saying as I now feel badly that they've come all this way. "Join us. We can all visit for a while." I hold out my hand for the Colliers to proceed me into the room. Elliot and Christian are sitting on the bed and I hear Elliot giving Christian a lesson in auto mechanics.

"See? Theses ones have a hood that lifts up so you can see the engine. The bigger cars have bigger engines. That makes them go faster. I have some cars at home that even have batteries and they go all by themselves!" Christian seems to be taking in all this amazing information, and looking at Elliot as if he's speaking another language, all at the same time. But then I see him lift the hood on one small car and visually compare it to the one Elliot is holding. I'd love him to tell me what's going on inside his mind, but it is evident there is a lot of learning happening in a relatively short period of time.

As we enter, the boys look up and see me with the Colliers. Christian looks at them with those wide gray eyes. He's seen them once before but is understandably, still unsure about them. Elliot has never met them, but wastes no time in expanding his friendship circle. He jumps off the bed to introduce himself. "Hi! I'm Elliot Grey. She's my mom," he says as he gestures to me, "and my dad is that guy over in the chair." Carrick gets a thumb jerked in his direction. "We're here 'cause he's one of my mom's patients and now him and me are friends." He finishes his explanation with another gesture toward Christian.

I have to smile at him as I find myself thinking 'Well, I guess that about sums it up.' Then I feel a sense of nervous panic as I hear him innocently ask, "Are you Christian's mom and dad? I've been wondering about you. Where ya' been?" His look is so sincere.

Helen looks at me and she can see the look on my face. I try to silently tell her I didn't say anything about them to Elliot and he doesn't know the truth, but that's a bit much to put in a facial expression. Ben doesn't miss a beat and jumps in like the pro he is.

"No son," he begins very sweetly. "We're not his folks. But he is going to come live at our house for a while when he gets better."

Helen reaches out a hand to Elliot and he shakes it. "It's very nice to meet you Elliot. We are Mr. and Mrs. Collier. Thank you for being such a great friend to Christian. I know the hospital can be scary for young people. I'm sure he's enjoyed having you here."

"Well, yeah. I'm kinda' a expert on helping at the hospital now. I've been here like, ten times and me and Christian like to play cars and stuff. Tonight, I'm helping him learn about engines. There's a lot to teach him but we're getting it covered." I see Ben cover his mouth to stifle a laugh. How Helen is keeping it in I'm not sure because I can barely hold it in myself and he's my child! And where did he come up with that?

"Well," Helen continues, totally straight faced, "again, thank you for being so caring and helpful."

I'm just glad we're off the parent topic. I let out a deep breath and smile, until I see the expression on Elliot's face. He's confused and looks at me. "So where are his Mom and Dad?! I've got some things I need to discuss."

Carrick quickly intervenes before this gets into an uncomfortable situation. "Elliot! Our dinner is being delivered soon. I need you to help me carry it up. Let's head down to the lobby and wait for the delivery boy, OK?"

"Oh! Yeah! I'm getting hungry. What're we having?!" Oh thank goodness. Crisis averted. As they leave the room, I hear Carry tell him he ordered from somewhere in Mexican Village. I can't make out the rest until I hear a very exuberant "Tacos! Awesome!" from down the hall.

Helen and Ben sit on the end of Christian's bed. I feel I should let them have time with him, but I start feeling protective and territorial again. I'm not on duty right now and this is my time. "Christian?" I start, "Can you tell us what Elliot was teaching you about the engines?" I sit in the chair vacated by my husband and hold out some cars. I know he's not going to 'tell' us anything, but I hope the more I ask and expect it, eventually it will come.

Christian takes one in each hand. He wants to roll them on the bed but it's not working for him very well. "Would you like to get down and show us on the floor?" Is it wrong of me to want his attention on me and not the Colliers? Am I doing the right thing here? I get a nod from Christian, and Helen adjusts the IV tubes to make it easier for him to get down. Again I feel protective and anxious that I'm not… That she's… Am I a terrible person?

Christian kneels down and places the two cars on the floor. He looks up at me expectantly. I sigh deeply and now have a big smile on my face because my little boy wants me to count. "OK, ready? One… two…three!" We watch as he lets the cars race across the floor. I'm almost jumping up and down over this, knowing what it took to get him to this point. Helen and Ben both cheer him on for such a great race. But Christian looks confused and unsure.

Bob jumps in. "What's wrong Christian? That was a great race." But evidently, not to Christian. He is sitting back on his heels looking over the results of the race; at the blue car, the green car, back and forth… with a look that tells us something is terribly wrong. The wheels are definitely turning in his head, but about what?

His IV lines will only allow him to reach the closer car. Bob walks over and collects the other. He hands it back to Christian who just stares at them. He looks up at me and those gray eyes… that scared look on his face…. I don't know why. I don't know what he's thinking or how to help this.

I'm trying to keep a positive expression. "Darling? Why don't you race them again?" but inside I'm worried that I can't help my little boy. What could he possibly be scared about right now? Helen looks at me with an understanding glance. She's out of her league here too. We watch as Christian puts one of the cars back on the floor and is closely examining the other. Then he switches. I still have no idea what he's thinking and I don't know what to say. Helen seems to be in my boat as well. Then we both look over anxiously, when we hear Ben let out a whispered 'Oh.'

"Let me see there, Buddy." He holds out his hands to Christian. I can see he's unsure about letting Ben have the cars, but Ben continues to smile gently, and slowly the cars are placed in his hands. "So the blue one went faster than the green one? And you're a bit confused about that because," Ben looks over at the two of us. "… The green one has a bigger engine? That right?" He smiles at Christian who nods his unruly copper head. "And Elliot just taught you…"

"…That bigger engines make cars go faster." I smile when I finish Ben's observation. Now I get it. I simultaneously feel relief and fear. I'm relieved that we found the reason he was so upset, and it wasn't anything really. But then, afraid and concerned, given how much we went through emotionally, for something so simple. How quickly this whole thing would have been resolved if he could have just said… For the first time, I begin to feel what it will truly be like to raise this child. Will every situation be this much of a hurdle?

"Dinner is served!" Carrick calls out as he and Elliot re-enter the room. It quickly fills with the scent of Mexican spices. Carry sets the food on the tray. Elliot carries the smaller bag of nacho chips over to Christian's bed like a man on a serious mission. I watch as Christian moves slowly toward Elliot. He pulls gently on El's sweatshirt. When he turns around, Christian is holding the two cars out to give them back and his head is hanging so we can't see his face. He is still upset.

"Oh thanks!" Elliot takes the cars, but then reacts to Christian's behavior. "What?" Christina points to the green car. "Is it broken again?! This dumb wheel. It just doesn't roll right. It's OK." I feel a rush of love spread through me. The way they are together is precious! Elliot moves to wrap his arm around Christian's shoulders and give him a hug. Oh no… I know what's about to happen but it's happening too fast for me to stop it.

Christian flinches and jumps back. I hear him let out a deep, worried groan and see him bump into Helen's legs. At this, his arms start shaking and flapping and the groaning gets louder and more urgent. Elliot hurries over to Carrick with wide, scared eyes, and holds him around the waist for protection. Ben, in a moment of clarity, steps out of the way.

I move in as the only person who has any idea how to deescalate this situation. I try to look into his eyes to get his attention but he seems to have gone back into his dark, frightening place. "Darling? Sweetheart, listen to me…" But now Helen has moved in to help. She places her fingers near Christian's hands and lets him grab a hold of them. I can tell he is squeezing them as desperately as he's done to mine before.

She sits down on the floor and he sits down in front of her facing me. He hasn't looked at her and Helen hasn't said anything to him yet. I continue to speak, trying to get him out of his dark place and back to the room where it's safe and people love him. He's rocking and continuing to squeeze Helen's fingers. She starts singing softly in his ear while I try to bring him back. "Christian?... Shhhhhh… I'm right here, Darling. It's OK… Carry! Blanket! Please!" Carry hands me the blanket and I place it in Christian's lap. He lets go of Helen with one hand to bring the blanket up and hide his face.

After a few moments, his rocking slows and he lifts his head to me. He's still got Helen's fingers in a death grip but he seems to be back with us. I realize how close to tears I came when I smile and everything blurs up in front of me. "Hey, Little Man. Welcome back." He lets go of Helen to grab the blanket with both hands, but this time does not feel the need to hide his face from us. He's looking right at me with a nervous expression, then turns around to look at Helen. He looks over at Ben, then Carrick and Elliot. His expression doesn't change but he gets up and climbs back up on the bed.

The Colliers insist we eat our dinners and not worry about them. We offer to share, but they kindly refuse. We talk and enjoy each other's company. I notice that Elliot is exceptionally quiet. I think he is in a bit of a shock having witnessed Christian's reaction to touch. Secretly, I'm glad both Helen and Ben were able to see that. Hopefully they will be prepared and know at least a little of how to handle it themselves. I've said it before, but it can't be said enough; those two people are such professionals in their field. The way Ben was able to read Christian's concerns about the cars, the way Helen stayed out of his line of sight and sang to him…

The Colliers are getting ready to leave when a nurse comes in the room. "Excuse me, Dr. Trevelyan. I know you're off duty but I thought you'd want to know… Well, be in on…" She's obviously trying to tell me something without sharing it with the whole room. I excuse myself and follow her out to the hall.

"What is it?" She silently gestures over her shoulder and I look up to see Jackson Price talking with the head of our department. I feel my heart sink and suddenly feel faint. What's he doing here? At that moment, Helen and Ben come out of Christian's room. Jackson turns and sees us all together.

"Mr. and Mrs. Collier? What a surprise. I wasn't expecting to find you here. That's a stroke of luck! Grace!" He turns to me now. I'm so afraid of what I'm about to hear. "I was just speaking with Dr. Turner. We've reviewed Christian's chart and it seems he should be discharged tomorrow morning! Mr. and Mrs. Collier, there will probably be a phone call coming to you from the county later this evening once the paperwork clears, but since you're already here, now you know!" He seems so happy and excited. I feel like I want to smack him across the face!

"Dr. Turner is not his primary physician. I am. I didn't…"

"He's the doctor on duty right now. We looked over Christian's progress; the bruises are healing properly, the burns are too. He's put on enough weight for now and I'm sure the Colliers can attend to his injuries while the healing progresses. And word has it, Mrs. Collier's cooking is legendary. It will take care of the rest pretty quickly."

Can this really be happening? "But the psychological evaluation isn't finished yet. You know that. You've been in on all the sessions. Dr. Evens…"

"Dr. Evens will be continuing the psychological evaluation, and probably acting as his therapeutic counselor, while he's with the Colliers." He looks over to Helen and Ben. "He's going to need continued care. The state will cover… well, this isn't new to you two." Jackson looks back at me and seems to finally read the expression on my face. "Grace, you knew this was coming. I have to advocate for what is best for the child. You've done an amazing job with him, but if he doesn't need medical attention anymore, he shouldn't be in a hospital. He should be in a home setting. You've already signed the adoption papers, so you can set up visitation time with the Colliers here. It has to happen, Grace. It's time."

Helen wraps her arms around me but I can't feel anything. She whispers in my ear, "Grace? We know how much you and Carrick love him. We'll take good care of him, I promise." At that, I lose it. I feel myself collapse. Ben helps me to a bench and I sob openly. Somehow Carrick is there, kneeling in front of me kissing my head and telling me it's going to be OK.

"Jackson came in and told me, Baby. It's OK, We'll visit with him, and pray every day that he gets to come home to us." I look at Carry and he's crying too. I wrap my arm around him for dear life. I hear him ask, "What time tomorrow? I want to be sure we're both here."

"How about nine, or nine thirty tomorrow morning? Will that work for you, Mrs. Collier? Give you time to get the other kids off to school and get down here? I know Ben will be at work." I hear Jackson's voice. It is much more subdued than at first... I hear Helen agree that nine thirty will be fine…. I can hear them, but I can't speak. I just feel cold and weak.