How It Happened

Chapter 14

Carrick

I grab Elliot and get him out of Christian's room as fast as possible. I know he saw the bruises and bandages, not to mention the panicked reaction to the nurse's touch. He already had his own experience earlier today and I'm surprised he hasn't said anything about that. But now that he's seen everything, he's got a death grip around my neck and is sobbing like I haven't heard from him in a few years. I walk him over to the family lounge so we can sit on a couch and try to calm down. Truth be told, I'm about ready to break down myself.

"Elliot? Hey, Buddy. I need you to let go a little so we can talk. Please?" His grip gets tighter and the sobbing just gets louder. I need to give him a few minutes but he's also got one tight grip and I'm finding it difficult to take a breath. "Please El? Can you look at me? Christian needs you to be brave right now, OK?" No idea where that came from, but it works. Elliot lets go a little but continues to cry into me. I give him a few moments to get it out.

"I'm sorry, Daddy… I didn't mean too!" What is he talking about? "I didn't mean it! I promise!" I push him back just a bit so I can look at him.

"Whoa there. What are you talking about, El? Sorry for what?" He's looking down to avoid my eyes, and wiping his own with the back of his hands.

"I just tried to give him a hug… I didn't mean to make…"

"Oh, Elliot… Buddy, no. You did nothing wrong." The tears continue down his cheeks but he's finally looking at me. His expression tells me he really wants me to be telling the truth about this. "Are you talking about Christian's injuries? His bruises?"

I get a silent, scared nod. "I didn't mean to, Dad…" He's shaking his head back and forth and I can see another batch of tears about to fall. I pull him in for a deep hug and kiss the top of his head.

"Elliot, you had nothing to do with that, OK? That is not your fault at all." We sit silently for a few moments and I try to figure a way to explain all this to him. "Christian had those bruises before you ever met him. That's another part of the reason he's here… Why Mommy had to help him." He leans back to look at me and wiping more tears from his eyes. We talk for a while longer. He asks me about the injuries and I try to be honest without getting too graphic. It amazes me that he was so quick to blame himself, but in his youthful innocence, he never puts together that maybe some adult did do that to Christian. I have to basically tell him straight out. "Elliot, we believe a mean man hurt him. But now, the injuries are getting better, he'll never have to see that man again, and he's learning a lot of things he didn't know before. You have been a big help in that area, by the way. He's going to live with the Colliers for a while and they will protect him. No one will hurt him like that again."

The look on his face assures me he believes what he's hearing and I let out a deep breath I didn't even realize I'd been holding in. "Can I tell you something, Dad? Promise you won't tell Mom?" He looks so sincere I find myself nodding to agree even though I'm not too sure about this. He lowers his voice. "I know I said I wasn't, but I really was."

"Was what, El?"

He leans in to whisper to me, "Scared. I didn't know what was going on, and Christian kind a' scared me. I didn't know he would do that."

Again I give him a deep hug. "Wanna' know something? He kind of scares us too, Buddy. Mom said she still doesn't know exactly what kind of touch will make him act like that, but it seems to be when people touch him. So maybe we need to give him some space and let him touch us. Ya' think?" He nods to agree and I continue, "But I'm glad you told me. We need to know exactly how you are feeling about things. Mommy and I can't help if you don't' talk to us."

"So how are the Colliers gonna' know what Christian needs?" Damn. Just when I think things are smoothing out…

Grace

Carrick took Elliot out quite a while ago and hasn't been back yet. Christian has gestured toward the door several times now, but I have nothing to tell him. The nurse finished and I was able to read another book to him. Well, it was the counting book again. It warms my heart to see his expressions; the look of concentration and deep thinking, then the small smile when I read the solution. There's certainly a lot more going on inside his head than we know about, and according to the psychologist, seeing expressions means he isn't completely withdrawn. But how long will this mutism last? How long will he feel the need to protect himself from the world?

I look up to the clock and note that visiting hours will end in about ten minutes. Just then Carrick walks in with Elliot in tow. "Good timing, Darlings. I was afraid you wouldn't be back in time to say goodnight." Carrick comes over to me and leans in to kiss the top of my head. Elliot looks concerned and I'd say a bit frightened but walks to Christian's side.

"We just had to take some time to talk, huh El?" Elliot looks over to me and nods silently. Carrick leans down to whisper, "I'll tell you about it later. He was a bit shaken up, but he's OK now." He sits on Christian's bed and addresses him directly. "And you, Little Man… You do look so much better than just a few days ago. Do you feel better?" I'm surprised when Christian looks back with the frightened expression. This doesn't even faze my husband. "I need to take Elliot home now, but Dr. Grace is going to stay with you tonight. I'll be back in the morning when the Colliers get here." I noticed he didn't say 'we'll be back.' I'm not sure whether we should have Elliot here at that time or not.

I give my husband and my son big hugs and even kisses- if we're going to be a family, Christian needs to get used to it. We hear a soft whimper and out of the corner of my eye, I see him grab for his blanket. I try not to let it get to me as I watch Carrick take Elliot's hand to head out for the night. "Bye Christian. I'll see you when we can play again." Elliot waves and turns to leave. Then we see something very unexpected; Christian lifts his right hand slowly and gives Elliot a slight wave back. I look at Carry and we both smile.

Christian is asleep rather quickly. I don't know how long I just sit and watch him. He looks so peaceful and his breathing is calm and even. I know this won't last and we'll be in the throes of a nightmare before too long. But right now, I ponder the thought that such a beautiful child could have such horrific experiences in his short life. I fear what will happen tomorrow night when Helen and Ben experience the nightmares. Will he understand where he is? Why I'm not there? In reality, he hasn't had time to process why his mother isn't here anymore. Oh! That reminds me, the photograph.

I quietly open the drawer in the nightstand and remove the picture. He made it pretty clear he didn't want to look at it, but it should be his decision if he takes it with him. I put it with the small pile of his belongings… the outfit he arrived in, washed and much cleaner than it was, the three books he seemed to favor, his toys from home and the helicopter from Elliot's collection. I didn't ask about that last one, but I know my son. He'll want Christian to have it.

I'm pulled from my thoughts by the beginnings of the nightmare. I think about how much I love this child, with my whole heart…. A few hours later we are dealing with nightmare number two… Then again as the sun is rising… By now I know the drill; blanket, fingers, song… I would do this for him forever if it helps him sleep peacefully. As I see the sky lightening to pink, I feel my heart breaking and I realize this may be the last time…

I hear Christian moving in the bed and watch as he stretches and moves to sit up. I notice a grimace as the bruising and sores still make some movement uncomfortable- even painful. "Good morning, Christian. It's a big day isn't it?" He looks at me with his same stoic expression. Then he notices the pile on the nightstand and looks at it questioningly. "These are your things for you to take with you. Your toys, your clothes to wear… and the books you like." He looks over to me with a slightly pleasant look. But when he looks back at the pile, I see the darkness overtake him again. He's noticed the photograph. After a quick angry glace toward me, he leans over to the pile and knocks the photo off with his hand. He lays back and stares at the ceiling. Well, I guess that answers that question.

Breakfast is brought in; pancakes and scrambled eggs. I'm reminded of just a few days ago and witnessing him diving to eat anything he could grab. But today, thanks in part to Carrick's lessons on table manners, he lets me cut up the pancakes and manages to use a fork to awkwardly finish his breakfast, with very little mess.

Before I know it, it's eight o'clock. One hour… I feel my heart begin to race knowing our time together is slipping away and even though Helen and Ben assured us we could visit, what if we can't? What if a relative is found and they take him away from us? I feel the tears begin to well in my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I try to calm myself so Christian won't see. Just then, Carrick comes into the room with Elliot, who's carrying a large shopping bag.

"Good morning Christian!" I hear my husband's jovial voice. "Good morning, Sweetheart" he says to me as he leans in for a kiss. He gives me a strong hug assuring me he's here for me. I have to hug him back as I try hard not to let my tears ruin his jacket.

"Morning, Mom. Morning Christian. Dad said I could come to say 'bye when you go to the Colliers." Elliot puts the bag down and climbs up onto the bed. The boys look at each other silently for a minute. Then Elliot innocently and quietly asks "Can we play while we wait?"

"Of course, Sweetheart." I hold out the box of toys to him and he takes them carefully. Then I see him silently motion to Christian and the two of them slide off the bed and start to play. I turn toward my husband and have to ask, "Is this such a good idea? That Elliot be here today? I'm going to be a mess…"

"And that's OK, Baby. We talked last night. He's expecting you to be emotional." I give him a quizzical look. "I told him you would be, and that I might be too. But I didn't think he deserved to have to stay home and not say good bye just because we'll be upset." I love this man. He is so thoughtful, about everything.

We sit and watch the boys and are surprised when Jackson Price comes through the door at eight thirty. Carrick stands to shake his hand. "Jackson…"

"Carrick… I know this is…" Jackson looks like this is part of the job he dislikes. "I have to do what's best for the child."

I stand to greet him as well. We've known him for quite some time now, but I haven't been the nicest person to him lately. "We know you're doing what you have to, Jackson. Thank you for your support in the, um…." I don't want to say 'adoption' out loud. Elliot knows all about that word and I don't want to start anything I can't finish. "I apologize if I haven't been very warm…"

"No need, Grace. I understand. This one's been hard on everyone involved." We invite him to sit and we all watch the boys play. Then about fifteen minutes later, Helen walks into the room. She isn't quite her bouncy self and her eyes are red and slightly puffy. I walk to give her the hug she tried to give me the first time we met. The two of us just stay that way for a while, silently embracing and supporting each other. Finally, we have to pull back, as a nurse comes through the door with the paperwork.

My heart begins to pound as I note it's already been signed by the physician on duty. My hand shakes as I sign the release as Christian's senior attending physician, then Jackson signs as Christian's legal representation. And it's that simple. He's released from the hospital and my care. I take in a raspy deep breath and watch as Jackson has Helen sign the foster care paperwork. It hurts me that I'm no longer involved, no longer the one to whom others look for Christian's care. Carrick puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me in to kiss my temple.

"Well," I say in almost a whisper. "Should we get him dressed?" I reach for the clothes on the nightstand, but Carrick reaches for the shopping bag.

"Elliot wanted to help," he says simply as he holds out the bag. I look inside and find some of the jeans and shirts he's recently grown out of. I think Christian will be swimming in these, as he's still not anywhere near Elliot's size, but the gesture warms my heart and the tears well up again. The hospital supplied clean underwear and socks, but what about shoes? Thinking back, he didn't have any when he first arrived. He was taken out of the house so abruptly, and his feet were bare…

"Here. He'll need these too," I hear Helen chime in. She reaches into her own big bag and pulls out a couple small pairs of converse tennis shoes. "I wasn't exactly sure of his size, so I brought the two I think will be the closest. I've gotten good at sizing up children over the years." She gives me a small smile. I am deeply thankful that she and Ben are so loving and that my son will be in her care until he can be in mine. I can't even bare to think about the other possibility.

Carrick turns around, "Boys? Time for Christian to get dressed to go." I see Elliot's face drop and he looks somewhat afraid. Christian still has no emotion. "Come on. Put the cars away now." The toys are put into the box. Then Elliot stands up and holds out his hand to help Christian. A look of fear passes over Christian's face briefly, then he stands up on his own, not ready to extend the physical touch quite yet.

I take this opportunity to help my son one last time. "Here Darling, let's get this off you first…" and I move to untie the hospital gown. Christian pulls away from me with his hands raised in defense. "Would you like to do it yourself?" I look into those nervous gray eyes and get a small nod. Christian looks around the room and his eyes grow wide. I notice that everyone is watching us. This is obviously uncomfortable for him. "Um, Carry? Do you think we could have a little less of an audience?"

Carrick, Jackson and Helen suddenly realize what's going on and move to leave the room. "Helen? I think you should stay. This is really yours now." How difficult was that to say out loud? She nods while Carrick takes Elliot's hand and follows Jackson out of the room. "It's alright, Darling. Mrs. Collier is here to help if you need it." She and I back away and give him some space. I take this opportunity to whisper some of the things I've noticed; the night mares, the blanket, his affinity for airplanes and helicopters, the books and his intelligence…

As we quietly talk, we hand Christian his pants and one of Elliot's shirts. He struggles a bit at first, but once they're on, gives himself quite a comical once over in the mirror on the bathroom door. The pants are too short, but Elliot's would have fallen off of him. The shirt is too long and baggy. I have to chuckle as he tries to tuck it in to make it fit better. He's scared and silent, but at least has some fashion sense.

"Christian? Come here please so we can try the shoes on," Helen says and he carefully walks over to her keeping an arm's length distance. She bends down and he seems cautious but lets her help him get them on. The first pair fit well enough. "Well, these will get us home." Home?! I feel my heart tighten and I gasp but it's getting hard to catch a breath. Helen hears me and turns around. "I'm so sorry, Grace. I know." I see her eyes well up and we silently exchange thoughts and emotions.

I have to look away and thankfully I see something to occupy my attention- the small pile on the nightstand. I go to gather up the items there, picking up the photograph from the floor. I slide it into my pocket so Christian doesn't notice. I know he's made it clear he doesn't want it, but for some reason I feel it's necessary to keep it. Maybe not right now, but someday he'll need to come to grips with who she is, who he is… Even if he does become ours, we could never forget where he came from. There will come a day he is curious; at least we can have this to help him when it does.

I put the pile into the shopping bag with the rest of Elliot's offerings. I put the box of cars with the books I'm taking home. But very quickly I'm reminded of the helicopter. I find it in the pile and hand it to Christian. "This is for you, Darling. We all know how much you've enjoyed it." He gives me a small smile as he looks it over, somewhat amazed that it's now his. Then I pick up that blanket, the tattered but not-quite-as-filthy-as-before blanket, and hand it to him too. "And you cannot forget this!" He reaches for it with a soft grunt and pulls it close into a strong hug. I whisper to Helen, "Trust me, you do not want him to forget that." We smile at each other as we pick up everything that's going out of the room.

"Ready Christian? You've got some big brothers and sisters coming home later who are very excited to meet you. And Ben is planning to grill hamburgers to celebrate tonight!" Helen reaches out to him. He looks down at her hand but doesn't take it. Instead he holds that blanket tighter and grips the helicopter closer to himself. He does take a moment to look up at me. That tussled copper hair, and those big gray eyes are almost too much to take. I give him a nod and a smile but all I really want to do is hold him and never let him go!

An orderly brings in the required wheelchair for patient release. It takes a minute for him to understand, but Christian carefully hops up to sit in the chair. I follow Him and Helen out of the room. Carrick and Jackson are talking in the hallway and Elliot is sitting on the bench. Jackson leans down to tell Christian he'll be seeing him later, then heads down the hall after a civil 'good-bye' to the rest of us. Carrick bends down to be eye to eye with Christian. I can tell he had something all planned but the emotions of the moment are making it almost impossible for him to speak. Somehow he manages. I'm thankful he goes first. I don't' think I could have made it right now.

"Well, Little Man… I'm so glad to see you are getting better. No one will ever hurt you like that again. That's a promise from me, OK? Mr. and Mrs. Collier will take good care of you. Remember your manners… say 'please' and 'thank you'…" Carrick stops abruptly, probably realizing what he just said. But again, reminders that we expect him to use his words when he's ready, can't hurt. "And you remember that we all love you, and we'll visit as soon as we can." He puts his hand out and to all our surprise, Christian touches it. Lightly, but it's a touch without a doubt! I see a tear fall down Carrick's cheek as he stands and turns toward me. I reach out to him and we both lean on each other while the tears fall freely.

We hear Elliot talking. "It's been real fun playin' Christian. I hope we get to play again soon. Dad said the Colliers are OK with that." We see him lean in closer and Christian tense up, but we know it's alright when we hear Elliot whisper "Actually, I'm hoping I can get Mom and Dad to take us to the zoo! Have you ever seen a elephant up close? They're huge!" I have to let out a soft chuckle. And I do believe the zoo is a wonderful idea.

Suddenly, it's my turn. Where do I begin? What do I say to him right now? I find myself kneeling down next to him and looking into those eyes. Right now they are so full of concern and I'm worried he's scared and confused…. Part of me wonders how to word all I'm thinking for a four year old, but another part just starts before I even know what I'm going to say; "Christian?... I am so glad I was the doctor here when you needed help. To think what I would have missed if someone else had been here instead of me… We will see each other again very soon, and I like Elliot's idea about the zoo." I see Elliot out of the corner of my eye, look up at Carrick and smile. "I love you, Christian. I will always love you. Remember that, OK? You are my angel, Darling." I reach out and touch his head. He tenses but doesn't pull away. As I move my hand down, he reaches up and grabs my finger one last time. He squeezes it very tightly and looks directly into my eyes. Then I hear a soft squeal and feel the tears on my cheeks as I see one roll down his.

I stand up as I know this is it. Helen gives me one last hug then turns toward the elevator. Carrick has his arm around my waist, and we both have an arm over Elliot's shoulder. We watch as they enter and turn around. All three of us lift an arm to wave good-bye. We see Christian send a small wave back to us and as the doors close, I can barely breathe. Then I hear my husband do something I hadn't heard for a while. He vocalizes exactly what I am thinking… "Dear Lord, Bring him home to us soon, please?"