How It Happened

Chapter 15

Grace

The ride home is somber and quiet. Even Elliot, who is normally very vocal and telling us everything he's noticing out the window, is still and quiet in the back seat. Carrick puts on some soft music to help relieve the tension but I am simply too lost in my emotions to really respond. When we walk into the house, I note the time and think we could have an early lunch. That will give me something else to think about, so I let myself get lost in making soup and sandwiches.

We eat as a family at the kitchen table for the first time in several days. After so much time at the hospital, Elliot voices what we all are thinking; "It seems strange to only be the three of us now, huh?" I manage to keep more tears from falling as I hear Carrick take on the responsibility of agreeing with him so I don't have to. Just one more reason to love that man.

After lunch, I clean up the table, put the dishes in the dishwasher, and put the last of the lunchmeat back in the refrigerator. Carry comes up behind me and wraps his arm around my waist for a deep embrace that allows me to finally let it all out. And I do. I hurt so badly. My baby is somewhere else in this big city with people he barely knows, with no way to communicate his needs, and dealing with his touch issues, let alone his grief over his loss…I don't know how long I cry, but when I regain my senses, Carry surprises me one more time.

"Gracie, remember when I sat with him yesterday morning?" I give a quiet nod, not sure what I'm about to hear. "Well, I worked with him on writing. You know, just his name and a few other letters. He wrote this and I thought you'd like to have it." From his pocket he pulls out a small piece of paper and hands it to me. I have to smile as I hang it up on the refrigerator and think about my darling boy… Cistn.

The phone rings on Carry's business line in his office, so he lets go of me to answer it. Now what do I do? I feel like I can't do anything; I have no energy to physically do anything and sitting down to relax feels like I've given up in him… Somehow I find myself in the family room. Elliot it there building something with his Legos. I can hear Carrick's voice from down the hall… This is all so normal for us, but doesn't feel right anymore. Somehow I must have let myself stay there because suddenly, Carrick is sitting beside me.

"Gracie? Are you in there, Baby?" I see a small smile on his face and try to smile back.

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I'm just so overwhelmed…"

"I know. Me too. But that was Jackson Price. He called to give us a little more detail on how this all is going to work." I sit up looking for Elliot. I'm not sure he should hear this yet. I'm hoping that a phone call so quickly can only be good news. "I sent Elliot to play in his room." I love how he can read my thoughts and is always looking out for what's best. "Grace, Jackson told me we can't see Christian for two weeks. There has to be time for him to adjust to the Collier's." I feel my lungs collapse and my heart begins to pound. "But after that, we can see him as often as we are able to arrange. He said that if they're going to find a close relative, it's usually within the first three weeks, anyway. After that, it gets harder."

After being with him so much, two weeks feels like forever, but I try to think logically. I've waited longer for things far less important. I'm just going to have to make this work. "Can we contact the Collier's to make arrangements though? I mean, you and I don't have the most flexible schedules. You've used up a lot of time off already. I don't want to wait two weeks then have to wait two more because our schedules are already set."

"That's a good question. He didn't say, so I guess we just call the case worker assigned. If it's against regulations, they'll let us know. Jackson gave me all the necessary info; phone, address…" I can tell by the way he's looking at me, he has something more to tell me, and it's not going to be good. "Baby, we've talked a bit before, that Christian has to be in foster care for a certain amount of time, to try to find family, right?" I nod. "Well, the regulations recently changed. It's six months now, Grace."

"Six months? How am I supposed to let my son be with other people, away from me, away from us, our care… for six months? Why so long? He won't even remember us if we wait six months…" I feel my heart contract and the tears well up again.

"Grace, try to calm down Baby. I know it seems like a long time, but Jackson told me he can petition the court to cut the time down if they can't find family since there's already a family waiting to adopt. And most likely, a judge would agree to it."

Most likely a judge will allow it? Otherwise we have to wait six months? And how will Christian feel? I don't think he even knows we want him. I mean, we didn't want to tell Elliot in case it can't happen, so we certainly weren't going to tell Christian for the same reason. Will he want to live with us if it takes us six months to get him? Or will he be as angry with me for abandoning him, sending him off to live with someone else, as he seems to be with his birth mother right now? "Is that it? That's the good news? Please tell me there's something else, Carrick."

"Oh Gracie, I wish I could. Right now, that's as good as it gets." He wraps his arms around me and just holds me while the tears fall again. I didn't think I had enough left in me to be this emotional, but I was wrong. I just want my baby. I just want to sit with him and read to him, watch him and Elliot play together…. How am I going to make it through six months?

"Come on, Sweetie." Carrick stands and holds out his hand to me. "You need to lie down, get some rest. These last several days have put you through the ringer and this news certainly didn't help." He's right. I can't imagine it's going to do any good, but I know I can't do anything else right now.

He holds my hand and walks me to our bedroom. He pulls down the covers, and even removes my shoes for me once I'm seated. As I climb in Carry sits down next to me. "Comfy?" I nod silently. "Good." He looks deeply into my eyes. I love how he is trying to make this as easy for me as possible. "Baby, I know this is hard to hear. It was for me too, when Jackson called. But now we know and can move forward. No more surprises. Unless they tell us…" I can see in his face, neither of us wants to think about that possibility.

I reach up to touch his face and return his deep, loving look. "Thank you, Carry. You have been so wonderful through this entire situation. So supportive and loving…. Not just for me, but for Elliot and Christian as well. It has meant so much to me that you've been there with me, taking care of Elliot while I was with Christian… I could never tell you enough, how much it's meant to me."

I see the tears well up in his eyes too, as he leans down to softly kiss my forehead, temple, cheek and lips. "It will all work out. Like I said, we'll just pray every day that he comes back to us." I wrap my arms around his neck and he holds me too. We just stay like that for a while until he sits back. "Now, you need some rest. No arguments, no more stalling. Rest. Now." I nod silently.

Carrick turns the light out and tells me he loves me before he closes the door. I hear him call to Elliot to come downstairs with him so they can play outside together. I guess he wanted to be sure it was quiet for me. And he probably thought Elliot needed some time too. I'm sure he does. The last few days have been a stress for him as well. I roll over and the exhaustion just takes over.

Carrick

Elliot and I are throwing the baseball out in the yard. The two of us haven't had a lot of playtime lately, and he needs some father-son time with me. I didn't really think he'd be too noisy in his room, but this way Grace can't blame that, when she fights the nap I'm making her take.

Sometimes I wonder what she'd be like if left to her own devices. She works such long hours, is always involved with Elliot's school projects and activities, and this past summer, even took on some new charity in the community. Not to mention the energy she put into Christian these past several days. She would push herself until she dropped dead, taking care of everyone else, if I didn't make her stop and sleep.

I was surprised to see her eat lunch today. I kind of expected her emotions to get in the way of that. But maybe she just went on auto-pilot and ate her sandwich simply because it was there. I know she was ready to break down at any moment, especially when Elliot made his comment about it just being the three of us. I jumped in to smooth that over before she lost it, but I was having a difficult time too, truth be told.

Yesterday and last night were really rough for me. Hearing the news from Jackson and consoling Grace… trying to explain things to the boys…leaving Christian knowing he would be heading to the Collier's today… leaving Grace so she could stay with him… having to stay as strong as possible for Elliot who really doesn't understand all that's going on… And then watching him be taken away from us…

I really wish I could get away for a few moments too and let it all out. I think I could cry for about four hours, if given the chance to do so. Everything Grace has dealt with, I've dealt with too. Maybe not exactly the same way, but I'm not made of stone. Those scared gray eyes are haunting me right now. I picture Christian out here with us, learning to throw a baseball or football. The news that we can't see him for two weeks and that the state now requires six months until we can officially adopt… I know Jackson called me because that conversation with Grace would have been impossible, but hearing that was absolutely crushing.

My chest is so tight and every breath is a challenge, but you'd never know it looking at me. Right now I have a big smile on my face watching Elliot run to get the ball out of the bushes. I wish it could be different. I wish someone would see what I need right now and help take some of this emotional burden away. But instead; I will take care of my wife and stay strong for my son. I need to stay strong, for both of my sons.