How It Happened
Chapter 17
Grace
Helen and I get busy with the picnic set up. Between the two of us I think we could feed the entire Detroit Lions football team and still have leftovers! We talk about how Christian's adjustment is going; the real nit-picky details. I want to know everything so I have it down once he's with us. Helen doesn't hold anything back.
"Well, meals have been the easiest. If I put it on his plate, he eats it. Even if it's awful. A few nights ago I tried something new and no one liked it; not even me! But Christian didn't complain; no grunts, no moans, not even one of his faces he can make when he's frustrated and wants to throw a tantrum. Those are becoming legendary!" I appreciate her honesty and tuck every detail away in my mind.
"Dr. Evans told us he's still working through his food issues, and they may last a while. It wasn't so easy at first. He was constantly in the pantry or the fridge to find something to eat. He was just so amazed to see so much food it was like he didn't want to take a chance it might disappear. Of course we couldn't' just let him eat all day, so we made a chart of when he could eat; breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack between each. After that, he didn't try to take any food unless it was time, but there were times I'd find him sitting on the kitchen floor just looking at the pantry." Wow. I have seen quite a few malnourishment cases in my career; none quite like Christian's though. I never thought about what happened after they left my care. I guess it takes time to adjust, like anything else.
"So meals are the easiest. The hardest?" She thinks a minute. "Probably bath time. I know most kids don't want to take baths anyway, but his were quite the challenge. He wouldn't let anyone touch him and there was no way I was leaving a four year old to take care of it himself. So there was a lot of screaming and water everywhere. He had a lot of cleaning up to do those first few nights. Finally, I decided the easiest thing to do is just sit with him and let him do his thing. I let him take over for the most part. But washing his hair? He tries and he does a bang up job on the back, but he tends to ignore the top of his head. I think that's just a four year old thing. So now, I insist on washing his hair. He seems to be OK with us touching his head. He tenses up and holds his breath while I do it, but he does let me."
I never even thought about bath time. It's always been so easy with Elliot since he loved playing with bath toys, and still does, really. I guess in the hospital that was taken care of by the nurses so I never witnessed what happened then. Wow. OK. Bath time is a challenge. Let him do it, wash his hair. Duly noted.
I look around the park and see Carrick with both boys climbing up a tall slide. I can hear Elliot yelling something but can't quite make it out. Christian is heading up the slide but seems much more cautious than Elliot. Helen must notice too because she tells me "We have a swing set in the yard with a slide, but not quite like that one…" I watch while Elliot slides down, then Carrick… Christian watches them head down and I hear them both call for him to join them. I see him look down the long slide, shake his head in a very determined negative, then head back down the ladder. It actually makes me giggle.
"You know, Grace… I can stay here and watch everything. Why don't you go play?"
"Oh, I don't want you to have to…"
"Grace… that's why we're here today. So you can play with him." I guess it is… "Go ahead. Everything here will be fine. Go play with your three boys!" We both laugh at that and I give her a hug in thanks before I hurry off to play.
I catch Carrick's eyes and put my finger up to my lips so he won't say anything. Then I sneak up behind Elliot and swoop him up into my arms. He screams and giggles which is music to my ears. My favorite sound in the whole world is my son's laughter. That's another thing I realize we've never heard from Christian; laughter. I have a small ache in my heart wondering when the last time was that he laughed. Did he have anything to laugh about in his world? OK Grace, you are here to play… focus on today…
"Well boys, Mom's here now. What should we do? Swings? Climber?" I notice a strange expression on Christian's face when I said Mom, but that's how Elliot knows me and hopefully, that's how he will too, so I'm just going to start saying it.
"Mom! Check out this castle thing! It's so cool!" I look over to where Elliot is pointing and notice that the main structure in the playground is one huge wooden, castle shaped climber. "Come on! It's got lots of places to …." I'm not sure what. He's running ahead and I can't hear a word he's saying. But Carrick takes my hand and we watch a moment as Christian cautiously follows him. I have to smile when Elliot realizes he's not with him so he stops to wait for him to catch up. The two of them head into the castle and are soon out of my sight.
"Boys! Be careful…"
"So how many times do you think you'll say that in your lifetime?" I never thought about it, but I'm guessing somewhere in the thousands. "They're fine, Grace. They're running around and probably hiding from each other."
"And you know that because…?"
"Because, we've already been in there. I wish they'd had something like this when I was a kid. I'm too big to get through some of the passages, but I'll bet you'd still fit. Go on in. It's fun." I give him a questioning expression. "I'm serious. Go ahead. We're here to play, remember? I'll wait here." He gives me a loving smile. I just love this man!
"Ok you two… I'm coming in! I'll bet I can find you before I count to twenty!" What made me say that? I'll probably get lost in this thing and they'll have to come and find me! "One… two…" I continue to count and watch my step as I meander through crevices and over bridges… This thing is fun!
I can see both of them ahead of me. Elliot is 'shh-ing' Christian so I won't her them. Oh, the irony. Really Elliot? Christian, whose voice you've never heard, needs to be the quiet one? It makes me laugh. I continue to count and just watch them. My brother told me once that Elliot is 'just a little bruiser,' and that's more than evident today…. Up these steps, down that rope, through some tires… Nothing gets in his way.
Christian is following him. He's doing everything Elliot does, but he's much more reserved and seems to be thinking out every move he's making. It's like he wants to trust Elliot, but isn't sure that's such a good idea. I knew that kid was smart. Or maybe something like playing in this climber is so new to him… Has he ever climbed down a rope? Has he ever jumped through a tire? I wonder if this reserved nature is really him, or he's just not sure what's going to happen.
I head over to where I see the two of them hiding in a narrow tunnel-bridge thing. Ok, not sure I'm fitting through there… Somehow I'm only on 'fourteen,' but I slow my counting so I can get out of here and over to the tunnel from the outside. "...Eighteen…. nineteen…." I move underneath them so I can sneak up from behind, and call "twenty!" Both boys jump at my voice. Christian looks afraid at first, but does relax a bit when he hears Elliot laughing.
"Mom! That doesn't count! You said 'before' you count to twenty. That was at twenty…"
"Come on out of there and let's go to the swings." I always loved them when I was little. What the heck. Maybe I'll hop on one today, myself! I see my husband waiting right where he said he'd be. I call to him that we're heading to the swings. He starts walking toward us with a suspicious smile. "What?"
"You."
"What about me?" He holds out his hand for mine and I take it, gladly. We follow the boys over toward the swings.
"You were hilarious in there. I was having a great time just watching the boys sneaking around and watching you watch them."
"Well, it was fun!" I drop my voice a little so they won't hear. "And they are so precious together. I really hope this all…" I feel my chest tighten and I can't even finish that statement.
"Me too. By the way, I never said 'thank you.' So, thank you." He leans over and kisses my head.
"For what?" What's he talking about?
"For calling me that night. For being brave enough to tell me you want him before I ever even saw him."
We've made it to the swings and Elliot has wasted no time. He's already going back and forth on his stomach, dragging his toes on the ground. Christian is standing nearby watching him. I look up at Carrick and give him a soft kiss. "You are more than welcome, Sweetheart. Now, push me?" He laughs as I jump up on the swing.
Carrick lifts Elliot up to sit, then moves behind me. "Alright Greys…. Are you ready? Here we go!" Carrick manages to push both of us at the same time, and pretty high at that! I'm impressed. My high school football hero husband's still got it! Carry walks to the empty swing next to Elliot. "Come on Christian! Your turn!"
I see Christian vehemently shake his head 'no.' "No? You don't' want to swing?" More head shaking. "Are you sure? I'll help you." Christian wraps his arms over his chest and is grabbing at his sleeves. I wonder if he's wishing he had his blanket. It sort of looks that way.
"Come on, Christian, it's fun!" Elliot calls.
I slow myself and watch him. Christian is adamant he is not swinging, but his face doesn't look angry, it looks scared. "Do you need help, Darling? Carrick can get you started." He looks up at Carry who smiles, but Christian gives him a look of fear I haven't seen from him since that first night in his hospital room. "It's OK. You don't have to." I stop my swing and walk to his side. I kneel down to his eye level. Those gray eyes are so full of fear, and he's got quite a strong grip on his shirt, over…what? "Would you like to play somewhere else?" I look around to find something different to try. He looks around too, and I get a nod. "Ok. Take me there."
Carrick tells me he'll stay with Elliot. I stand and offer Christian my hand. He takes my finger and pulls. We're heading to the smaller playground area; the one for toddlers and preschoolers. I'm curious… And he heads straight for the swings. He hops on and starts kicking his legs. Before I know what's happening, he's smiling at me and swinging…
"OK, I'm confused. Any thoughts on this one Doctor?" Carry has come up behind me and is whispering in my ear. Honestly, I'm as confused as he is.
"I'm a pediatrician. Give me an earache or a sore throat and I'm all over it. Dr. Evens may be the one to consult here." Christian is so happy right now, and I give him a wave. Just then Helen appears next to me.
"He loves the swings. He was a little hesitant at first on our set, but the other kids talked him through how to move his legs and now he's on them all the time." We both must give her a confounded expression because she gives us one. "Ben and the other kids were starting to get hungry. I came over to let you know." We must still be staring because Helen looks uneasy. "Is everything alright?"
I manage to express my confused thoughts a little. "Well, honestly…. No. We were just on the swings and he was adamant he was not swinging. In fact, he seemed scared to death to try it. So when I gave him the choice of where to play, he picked the… swings." I gesture to Christian swinging back and forth.
"Could he reach those?" Helen asks, meaning the swings we just left. "Ours are set at different heights for different aged kids. He may not have felt comfortable on the ones over there because they are higher. Or maybe he just couldn't get on by himself…"
Of course. How could that slip my mind. He couldn't get on… "Carry, he couldn't get on by himself. He didn't want to swing because he didn't want you to touch him… Maybe he didn't want you to pick him up to sit like Elliot, or was afraid you'd push him like you did for us." I let out a deep breath.
"That has to be it. He did give me one frightened look, didn't he?" Carrick looks concerned. "Thank you, Helen. We'll be right over." Carrick and I look at each other. We're both overcome with sadness that our little boy would rather stay out of an activity he apparently loves, than take a chance on touch. "Elliot!" I hear Carrick call. "Ready to eat?" I hear my son yell something that sounds affirmative.
"Christian, time for lunch Darling." My thoughts are still swirling through my head. I watch him drag his feet to slow down. He walks over to me and I hold out my hand. He takes my finger and I'm careful not to make too much physical contact. Grace, don't let this darken your day… We head back toward the picnic area together and I tell Christian about what's waiting at the table. "You can choose peanut butter or a turkey sandwich, bananas, grapes… Would you like potato chips? We have regular or barbeque." I have to smile because he's nodding at everything I say.