Thank you to all the dedicated readers and followers! I appreciate that you've all hung on and apologize for the wait for this next chapter. I love all your fabulous comments!

-Kel

How It Happened

Chapter 18

Grace

The picnic lunch went over without a hitch. In fact it was wonderful! Carrick was right, the food didn't matter. Like Helen said, Christian would have eaten anything I'd put on his plate. Turkey sandwich? Ate it. Peanut butter crackers? Ate them too. Grapes? Ate them and a banana. And none of it got messy. Of course it was all finger food. Except the pasta salad. Apparently this was a new food for Christian as it got a questioning look and unsure expression. When Carrick tried to explain it to him by popping a rotini noodle in his mouth, Christian responded by raising his eyebrows and handing Carrick a fork. I had to bite my cheeks to keep from laughing out loud!

After lunch we went back to the playground equipment. Christian wanted to go back to the smaller swings. Thinking about it now, it does make sense that at four years old, the other swings would seem a bit daunting. Elliot was probably still on the smaller swings at that age too. The hardest part was realizing that Christin was willing to give up something he really liked because of his fear of touch. Helen told us the injuries are pretty much healed, so it can't be that he's still feeling physical pain. Is it more a fear of it being painful? A phobia is simply an irrational fear of something, but Christian's fear isn't really irrational. He has a very understandable reason to fear touch; he's only known it to be painful. I'm afraid though, that if he doesn't overcome this sometime soon, it may develop to clinically phobic levels. I don't even know if that's how things work, I'm just a worried mother.

Saying good-bye at the end of our day was difficult again, but I was more prepared this time, and we already have the next visit set up so I held it together better than before. Elliot talked the whole ride home about our visit and even began planning the next one. He's bound and determined to get to the zoo!

Wednesday Evening

It's almost seven in the evening and I'm helping Elliot with his math assignment when the phone rings. It's his teacher, Miss Jemison. I have to hold back my initial response which is to ask 'What did he do?' I mean no one wants to think their child could ever be the one causing problems, but I'm willing to be real here; teachers very rarely call in the evenings to tell you everything is fantastic, and we are talking about a six year old boy.

I'm a little taken back when his teacher tells me about his writing piece he did in class. Apparently he drew an elephant, a penguin, and a tiger, along with himself and another little boy. "Dr. Trevelyan, who is Christian? Elliot told me the other boy in the picture was 'Christian,' but that isn't anyone here at school. He's mentioned him before a few times. At first I thought he might be an imaginary friend. Knowing that Elliot is an only child, that wasn't too surprising. But this time there was a drawing with very specific details." When I ask her what details he insisted on adding, she told me he insisted Christian be smaller than him, holding a blanket, and have a very specific color for his hair. "In fact," she added, "Elliot was getting quite frustrated that none of our crayons were the right color."

I have to smile, and even let out a soft chuckle. "Miss Jemison, I appreciate your concern, but I assure you Christian is very real."

"Oh, Dr. Trevelyan, I wasn't trying to imply there was anything wrong. I just wanted to share what Elliot wrote today." She goes on to explain that the children were given the chance to orally share something about themselves with a classroom volunteer who transcribed what they were saying. I guess in first grade, there is a limited amount they can do on their own. "This way, they get to see that even though they cannot physically write everything in their minds, it is all important and expressed through their pictures as well as written words." She proceeds to read to me what Elliot 'wrote' in class:

This weekend we're going to the zoo and we're taking Christian too. Hey! That rhymes! Anyway, the zoo is one of my favoritest places. They have animals from all over the world and elephants! They're so huge, and penguins. They're birds but they swim and it's cold there. On the ground they have elephant tracks so you can get around the zoo better. Mom said we won't see the elephant that made them 'cause it was just for fun. I'm not sure I believe that, though. I hope Christian likes it there. I think he's never seen the zoo. I think he'll like the tigers. They are big but not as big as a elephant. Christian won't say anything but I'll know if he likes it there.

I feel myself smile and a tear well up in my eye. "Doctor Trevelyan, is Christian a cousin? Or a neighbor? I'm only asking because he seems to be very important to Elliot right now. He talks about him quite a bit, but I never heard him mentioned until just a few weeks ago. And I am curious about the line that 'he won't say anything but I'll know'…"

Again I smile. Yes he will know. We will all know. "Miss Jemison, I appreciate your sharing Elliot's piece with me. And I appreciate the concern I hear in your voice. Ummm, Christian is not a cousin, or neighbor… He is a little boy we… Well, he was my…. I guess right now, the best thing to say is, he's a little boy we all care about quite a bit, and we are taking him to the zoo this weekend. I'm glad to hear Elliot is talking about him in a positive way. That piece was adorable. Thank you again."

I can tell she is still curious and I guess I can understand; she wants to be sure all is well with her student, and maybe even get some more information so she can connect with Elliot about things he finds important. Apparently Christian is one of those things. That makes me smile again. We end our phone call and I walk back into the dining room where Elliot is busy with his math paper. I lean down and kiss the top of his blonde curls.

Saturday Morning

We've got two little boys in the back seat; one of which cannot stop talking about what he wants to see today, and one who I would give my left arm to hear say anything, about anything. But looking back at them, I have to smile. They are both excited and showing it in their own way. Elliot has told us he wants to see the elephants. I've only heard this a little over twenty seven times, but I think I'm getting the hint. Christian is listening intently to everything, trying to make sense of what he's hearing but it's evident he's not sure what on earth Elliot is talking about. Helen told us she and Bob had been reading animal books to Christian this week to prepare him for the trip to the zoo. I'm not sure if he really grasps what he's going to see today. Reading about a lion or giraffe is one thing. Seeing them up close is quite another.

As we enter the Detroit Zoo, Elliot is quick to point out the tracks painted on the ground and show me the map indicating which way to the elephants. OK, ok… We'll go see them first. It's all I can do to keep that boy near me, he just wants to take off! In fact he grabs Christian's hand, who doesn't even get a chance to panic about it before he's pulled along. "Elliot! What are rules, young man?" Carrick calls to him. The boys stop and Elliot is practically jumping up and down in one spot waiting for us to catch up. "If you cannot stay with Mommy and Daddy, we'll have to hold your hand."

"Dad! I'm too big for that!"

"Then stay with us. The elephants aren't going anywhere." I catch Christian's expression. He has no clue what is going on. All he knows is Elliot is literally bouncing up and down, Carrick's firm voice is unnerving, and there are people all around us... He lets out a frustrated grunt and shakes Elliot's hand free. He looks up to me with an expression begging for some clarification and comfort.

We reach the boys and I squat down to their level. "Elliot, look at Christian please. Can you see he is a little unsure right now? This place is big and busy… You need to help him feel good about being here. We want him to enjoy himself, not spend the day nervous and upset. I understand you are excited because you already know what to expect, but he needs to take it a little at a time. We will all walk to the elephants together." I see my son's face fall a little. "You will still get to see everything you planned on, I promise." As we walk, Elliot's tunnel vision is set on those elephants. Christian's eye catches several other animals along the way, but I tell him we'll get back to those. I do need to keep my promise to Elliot first.

We arrive at the elephant enclosure and can see several of them together, giant ears flapping and long trunks swinging back and forth. Elliot is yelling at them to 'Come over here!' which is probably the reason they are not. Christian is now holding my hand but won't take those gray eyes off the enormous animals. I see him start to sway while he watches them move. Then he lets go of me and in almost a trance-like state, swings his arm back and forth. "Yeah Christian!" Elliot calls excitedly to him. "I told you!"

The rest of the day is just as magical! We see everything Elliot wanted and then some. The big cats are a big hit; tigers, lions, leopards… Giraffes are the tallest animals on earth but you can't really appreciate that statement until you've been that close to one! I love watching the boys stand with their heads craned back just to see up that high!

The alligators and crocodiles are a bit too scary though. Both of the boys hold our hands and hide a bit behind our legs. Being that close to the nearest thing we have to dinosaurs, is actually unnerving. Carrick says it is just my imagination, but I swear a few of them are eyeing my boys and getting hungry.

The penguins are a biggest hit for both boys. We stay in the tunnel and watch them swim underwater for about twenty minutes. They swim across in front of us, then out of sight. Christian gets mad the first few times, until Carrick points out that they come back from the other side. Then it's just funny watching him. He runs along side one of the birds, then back to the other side to catch another one. This becomes a game for Elliot too. "I never did this before Christian! This is fun!"

We have lunch at the food court. Both boys get the children's burger lunch which comes in an animal bag. Elliot gets the elephant of course and we get Christian the penguin. They eat the messy cheeseburgers and French fries, getting ketchup all over their faces and hands. I find myself thinking that this lunchtime is so non-eventful… Messy, but normal. What a blessing.

Then it's back to seeing more animals… I take several pictures during our day; the boys, the animals, the boys with the animals, the boys acting like animals… After several hours, we're on our way back to the exit, making sure we get in the obligatory visit to the bears so we can wave and watch them wave back. This zoo is so large, it's almost impossible to see it all in one day; at least with two small boys. By two o'clock they are both starting to fade. "Daddy? Can I ride on your shoulders?" Elliot asks. I guess at six years old, this is the new 'Carry me!' Carrick picks him up and he's happy to be up so high. I notice Christian looking up at him with a curious but unsure expression.

We stop in the gift shop for a few minutes and let the boys choose something of reasonable cost. Elliot chooses an elephant puzzle and Christian picks a book about penguins. Carrick surprises them both with Detroit Zoo t-shirts with their names on them. What a wonderful souvenir for our day together, but I have to wonder when did he do that? That man…

As we walk to the car, Christian lets out a huge yawn. Carrick asks him if he wants to ride on his shoulders like Elliot did. He shakes his head and the expression we get is a mix of sadness and fear. I know in my heart he would love to ride like that, but the fear of Carrick touching him to lift him up overrides his desire. Again I feel that pain that he's willing to give up something fun because of this fear. I look down and note he is holding my hand without any thought about it, so I guess that's progress.

Mid-October

For the last few days, Elliot's talk about the zoo has been replaced with excitement over Halloween. I have to admit, it's always been one of my favorite holidays too. Our family outing this week is a trip to an apple orchard and pumpkin patch. Then we're going to get costumes for the boys and carve the pumpkins later this evening. There aren't a lot of farms in Detroit, so we have to drive quite a ways to get there. This is going to be the longest car ride we've had with Christian. Elliot can only last so long in the car before boredom and/or car sickness takes over. Sometimes I wonder if the 'I feel sick' is just a way to get us to stop to break up the monotony. I'm hoping Christian being with us will occupy his time. I'm also worried about Christian. If he's prone to car sickness, how is he going to tell us? I decide to pack water, paper towels and extra clothes to be safe.

As it turns out, driving in a car doesn't bother Christian at all, and Elliot's car sickness is not all talk. So after an hour and a half, and a new shirt, we arrive at the farm. We take the hayride out to the apple trees and have a good time picking and tasting. Carrick lifts Elliot up to reach some big shiny apples, but Christian shakes his head vehemently when asked if he wants to try. We find low branches we can bend even lower for him to pick from. When both boys have a full bag, we head over to the pumpkin patch. We let them run as fast as they want to since we can see them easily. "I want this one! No wait, this one!" Elliot's voice carries across the field as he flies form pumpkin to pumpkin. I have to chuckle since this is exactly what he did last year!

"Grace! Check out your younger son," Carrick points. I follow his finger pointing in the opposite direction and see Christian standing with his hands folded on his chest looking at a pumpkin. His copper hair is tussled around by the breeze and his head is tilted as he's walking around it, examining it from every angle. I didn't think he knew much about pumpkins, but Helen and Ben had a few on their porch so he's had an introduction at least. However this is very interesting; he's obviously got something going on inside his head that he's pondering as he inspects this particular pumpkin. He crouches down for a closer look. When he stands again, he looks around. When he sees us watching him. He looks down and steps back almost as if he's embarrassed or afraid he's done something wrong. Why? Why would he feel that way? What I wouldn't give to know what he's thinking right now…

Carrick has walked across the field over to him. I can't hear what he says but I see a smile cross that adorable face and that copper hair flop around when he nods his head excitedly. I see Carrick pick up the object of Christian's interest. He holds it in one hand and reaches out with the other. Christian takes it and looks up at my husband very pleased.

I'm pulled from this tender moment by a loud "Mom! I want THIS one!" coming from my older son. I laugh as I see him dragging a pumpkin almost his own size across the field.

"Elliot! That's a bit too big, Buddy," I hear my husband call back. "Remember, we have to clean out all the seeds first. That one will take so long, we'll never get to carve it!" I see Elliot's face fall a bit.

"Hey, wait! I have an idea…" I pull my camera out of my purse as I walk to meet my three boys at the huge squash. "El, I agree with Dad. That's a bit too big to take home, but how about you sit on it for a picture, OK?" He's OK with this idea, so we sit him on top and snap a few pictures. We take a couple of Christian with his pumpkin, then they both climb on the big one and we get some of the best pictures of the boys I think we'll ever get! Elliot making faces, Christian pushing Elliot off, Elliot standing on top and jumping off, Christian giving it a try… But the best is one they didn't even pose for; both boys leaning against it from opposite sides looking off in the distance. I hope that comes out as well as it looked to me! That's one to frame and hang up on the wall!

Elliot finds a more suitable pumpkin he's quite happy with, so we pack it in at the farm and head out to get some lunch. A few chicken nuggets later, we're on our way to the costume store to pick out this year's trick-or-treat outfits. I let Elliot explain Halloween to Christian who seems to have mixed emotions. His reaction tells me he's definitely all in on the candy idea, but I can tell the 'spooky monster' part is a bit unsettling. I encourage Elliot to talk more about the fun of the holiday, and focus less on the scary stuff, but boys will be boys. At least until they get to the Halloween store.

As we walk in, we're greeted by a life sized witch stirring her brew, a skeleton wiggling on springs and a wall full of hideous and frightening masks. Both boys let out a squeal and hide behind our legs. Carrick laughs quietly as we head over to the kid's section. Very quickly, the fear is gone and Elliot is excitedly running from costume to costume repeatedly telling us "I want this one!"

"Didn't we just do this in the pumpkin patch?" Carrick asks. I chuckle a bit, because I find it music to my ears! I love watching my little boy so excited! As I look down to Christian, who hasn't let go of my hand, I almost wish he'd let himself have fun like Elliot. But again, I have to remind myself this is all probably very new to him and he is only four. We walk slowly through the costumes and accessories.

"Christian, you'll have to let me know if you see something you like. I want you to find what you want to be, and not when Elliot thinks you should be, OK? It's your choice Darling…" Before I can finish, he pulls back on my hand. His smile is such a welcome sight and I see him pointing to a children's versions of an item quite familiar to me… He wants a stethoscope.

It's just a toy, but it actually works! I'm transported back to the first night in the hospital when he was fascinated by listening to his own heartbeat… I remember him wanting to hear mine… Then the night he was listening to anything he could find… "Is that what you'd like Christian? You'd like your own stethoscope?" His bright eyes and happy nod spreads warmth right through me. "I'm sure we can make that happen, Sweetheart." He then sees the whole outfit; scrubs, lab coat, medical bag… and that's it. My little boy wants to be a doctor for Halloween. Could my heart get any bigger right now? Just then my other little boy bounces around the corner with his chosen costume of the year; hard hat, tool belt, bandana… A construction worker. Yep. He's my little bruiser.

With that part of our day complete, we head home to carve the pumpkins. It's a huge mess and a lot of fun! Elliot is right in there getting the seeds out and not caring one bit about the cold, wet, slimy innards. Christian on the other hand is much more calculated; he's willing to put his hand in, but we can tell by his expression and the loud grunting, that he's less than excited about it.

Carrick is working with the boys to decide what faces to carve while I get the seeds in the oven to roast. For obvious reasons, he insists he be the one to do the actual cutting, regardless of the whining fuss Elliot is making about it. Before we know it, the pumpkins are carved and we've lit their candles to see how they look. You know that spooky feeling you get when you see a lit jack-o-lantern? The one that's half fear and half excitement? Yeah… we all get it. I can tell because Elliot squeals and yells "Yes!" and Christian squeals and holds my hand tightly.

We have a snack of apple slices with cinnamon sugar and the roasted salted pumpkin seeds. Both boys love the apples, but we discover something Christian does not like to eat; pumpkin seeds. He actually spits them back out. The look on his face when he tastes them is quite humorous. If looks could kill, Elliot would be six feet under. "What?" Elliot is just as surprised by that look as we are. "I didn't make them," he says indignantly.

It's time to take Christian back to the Colliers. It's getting late and we don't have authority to keep him overnight yet. Both of them fall asleep on the way and as we pull in to drop Christian off, I look in the back seat. My heart is full to overflowing. It just feels so right… It just looks like it's supposed to… My two boys, heads flopped in what has to be the most uncomfortable position, sound asleep. "Look at them," Carry whispers to me. "This is our family, Grace." He rubs my shoulder and I hug him back. "I can feel it." I love him. And I love them, so much.

Helen and Ben meet us and in hushed voices we quickly tell them about our day. We've already made arrangements for Christian to be with us Halloween night, so his pumpkin and costume were left at our house. I do have to brag a little and tell them about his wanting to be a doctor. Carrick comes to his own defense and says the only reason he didn't want to dress up like a lawyer is because lawyers are too scary. Ben laughs quietly and replies "Well ain't that the truth!"

Carrick tries to carefully get Christian out of the booster seat without waking him. Unfortunately, Christian's mind is just too keen to touch, and he wakes with a scream. His arms start flapping and his legs are kicking, not knowing where he is or exactly what is going on. "Christian… Shhhh… It's just me Little Man… Calm down…" Carrick is trying to sooth him so he can get him out of the seat. Elliot is wakened by the commotion and I try to calm him down. Two boys pulled from such a deep sleep… We have to find a better way to do this.

Christian finally recognizes Carrick and his breathing calms a bit. He allows him to undo the belt but Carrick steps back so Christian can get himself out of the car. Elliot falls right back to sleep. I walk around the car and lean down to say good-bye to those gray eyes again. "We'll see you very soon, and we'll go get that Halloween candy! Alright?" He nods at me and I lean over to kiss his head. Something stops me, and as much as I want to, I don't. Instead, I rub his head with my hand. I can feel him tense up at my touch but hoping he can feel how much I love him even through his fear.

I stay with Elliot while Carrick walks Christian to the Colliers. I'm not privy to what he says before he leaves our little boy, but when he gets back in the car he takes my hand. He won't look at me, but I hear him whisper "I hate this, Gracie." He starts up the car and we head home. When I look over, I see the tears welling up in his eyes.

When we arrive home, Carrick carries Elliot up to his bed. I'm feeling the exhaustion of the long day myself and tell Carry I'm heading into our room to run us a hot bath.

I'm changed into my robe and sitting on the edge of the tub when Carrick comes in, his eyes are still red and puffy. "Oh, Carry! It's OK. It's OK Darling… I know how you're feeling…" I try to look in his eyes but he's avoiding me. "Carry, you're scaring me Sweetheart." Carrick turns off the water and silently leads me back downstairs to his office. "What is it Carry? Carrick Grey… answer me!"

Carrick still has not said a word. He sits in his big chair and pulls me onto his lap. He then leans over to play the phone messages… "Hey Carrick, it's Jackson Price. I need you to call me. You can call me at home… I think you have my home number… It's about Christian Beckett. We've located a family member. We need to talk."

I can't breathe… I can't speak… I look at my husband's face and immediately understand his silent reaction. Mine is the same.