How It Happened
Chapter 19
Grace
Carrick reaches over and stops the answering machine, but Jackson's voice is ringing in my ears; "We've located a family member. We need to talk." A family member? Please tell me someone has made a horrible mistake… Hearing these words has been my worst nightmare since Christian was first brought into the hospital. I can almost feel the time slipping away from us; I feel the emptiness without him here with us right now, how much more time will we have together? How many more chances will I get to look in those eyes, or feel him hold my hand? I cannot breathe. My heart is both pounding rapidly and feeling as if it has completely stopped.
I want my husband to wrap his arms around me and give me that love and support he's been giving me throughout this entire ordeal… But when I turn to him, I am stunned. I've never seen him with this expression before. I've seen him with tears in his eyes, but this time they are streaming down his face. He is still, he is silent, and he is distraught.
"Carrick?" I reach out to take his face in my hands. "Oh, Carrick… Please…" I wrap my arms around his neck, not to get comfort from him, but to give it. It hits me, at this moment, how much of a rock he's been for me through everything. How he's been my refuge all the times I've broken down… Been the voice of reason when I've gotten lost in my Christian-centered thoughts, and still continued to be there for Elliot, giving him all the attention he deserves as well. He's never complained about anything and I've never seen him show the slightest weakness until we left Christian earlier tonight. I should have known.
I should have been a rock for him before he began to crumble like this. I know I need his support right now, but I can feel how much more he needs mine. So, I hold him while he sobs deeply into my shoulder. I feel my own tears fall, but continue to offer him all the love I have, and all the strength I can muster at this moment. I have no idea how long we stay like this, but somehow, Carrick follows me back upstairs to our room. We lay down together and without saying a thing, we hold each other as we fall asleep.
When I wake, I notice it's already nine a.m. I see Carrick is still asleep so I get up to start breakfast. We usually try to get to the eleven o'clock church service on Sunday, but I'm thinking God will understand if I let Carrick get the rest he seems to need. On the other hand, if there was ever a day I needed to pray, it's today.
"Hey Mom? Can you make waffles today?" I hear my son's sleepy voice behind me. Elliot's usually up before now, but he's rubbing his eyes telling me he is still wiped out from yesterday's activities.
"Yes, Darling. I think waffles are a great idea today." I hate making waffles. They take so much longer than simply pouring out batter for pancakes, and they never seem to come out of the waffle-maker without falling apart. However, Elliot wants waffles today so I will figure out a way to give my son what will make him happy.
I get the waffle-maker out and get it warming up. I mix the waffle batter and find some strawberries in the freezer. I pop them in the microwave so they will be thawed and ready to top Elliot's waffle, as soon as I can make one that is recognizable as such. I hear the TV go on and know Elliot is still tired and really needs to be back in bed. He only turns on the TV in the morning if he's too wiped out to do anything else. Then I hear heavier footsteps coming down the stairs. Carrick is awake now too.
"Good morning, Baby," I hear him mumble as he enters the kitchen. "Why didn't you wake me?" When I turn toward him, it's evident he too should still be in bed. The redness in his eyes continues to be prominent but this morning I notice the dark circles under them as well. Did he have them before and I was just too absorbed in my own issues to notice? I make a promise then and there to keep myself more aware of what's happening to everyone in my family.
"I didn't wake you because I thought you needed the rest; I still do. Why don't you go back to bed…"
"No, I need to call Jackson Price." He starts to leave the kitchen toward his office.
"Right now?" I motion to our breakfast about to be ready to eat; at least I hope it will be fit enough to do so. "Carrick, you need to have something to eat first. And really, there is no way you are making that call to Jackson Price without me." He tries to convince me otherwise. I know he just wants to protect me from whatever we may hear, but I will not let him do this alone again. I insist a few more times, and he finally gives in. "Why don't you go in and sit with Elliot. I'll let you both know when the waffles are ready." Surprisingly, my husband doesn't argue. I think he is just too tired to argue with me. He heads toward Elliot and the couch. When I finally have three waffles prepared, plated and as presentable as they're going to get, I head in to tell the guys. What I find is some bear cartoon on the TV and two sleeping Grey's on the couch.
We somehow manage to be cleaned up, dressed, and ready for church by ten forty, which will give us just enough time to find a seat before the end of the opening hymns. My heart is not really into the service itself, but I think today we need to be here. Thankfully Elliot can go downstairs to Children's Church and not have to try to sit still for an hour. I'm also thankful that Carrick and I can be here together, pray together, and focus on the situation facing us today.
I'm secretly hoping to hear our minister read something, or say something that will let me know God is working here and everything will be OK. Instead, I get lost into my thoughts and my selective hearing is only pulling out "…not my will, but thine be done…" I don't want this 'family member' to be His will… How could someone who doesn't even know him be God's will? I pray harder that His will is a small boy with gray eyes and copper hair coming to live with us soon. But then I hear the Reverend say that while we need to accept God's will, it is alright to ask for His help to accept that will. I notice that after hearing this, something in me relaxes and I can actually take a deep breath. I take Carrick's hand and lean into him while I silently ask God to help us both through this.
We head home after church. I send Elliot off to change, which is really not necessary. He's already made a b-line for his room and is removing his sweater while he does. I do have to remind him to put his dress clothes away properly. Otherwise, I'll be digging those pants out from under his bed next week. I head to our room to change as well. When we make this phone call today, I want to be in something that I can curl up in for a good cry later.
When I head downstairs I find Carrick is already in his office. "I waited for you," he tells me. I know he'd rather I not be here but I've decided if it is sad news, I don't want him to have to live through it twice just to tell me. And after last night, I know he'll need me with him too. I climb back onto his lap and he dials Jackson's number.
"Price." Jackson's voice comes over the speaker phone.
"Jackson. It's Carrick Grey."
"And Grace. I wanted to be in on this phone call too."
"Grace… Carrick. How are you?"
"Not doing too well, so Jackson, please let's cut to the chase here. We got your message. You said we need to talk. Please? Just tell us." Carrick is trying to use his legal voice, but I can hear the anxiety and sadness in it.
"I understand. OK, a family member has been located. Well, two actually." Two? That makes this even more difficult… "We have no information about the father, so that side is a dead end. But the mother's aunt on her mother's side, and an uncle on her father's side have both been found and notified. I will say, there is no way a court could tell us we didn't do our due diligence in this case." I glance down at Carrick. He's not showing any emotion in his face, but I can feel it in his arm around me. "Ella, Christian's mother, didn't have any siblings. Her father died when she was nine. Her mother passed away about three years ago. All I can find on that is 'natural causes.' Ella's great-aunt has already turned down her rights to the child. She has health problems and decided that she wouldn't be able to provide for him as well as she should." I see Carrick close his eyes and hear him let out a deep breath. I do the same and lean in to kiss his head. But our relief is short lived when Jackson tells us "The great-uncle is a different story."
I feel a knife shoot straight through my heart. I know what's coming and I know I won't be able to handle it. But Jackson continues on and my mind won't let me simply listen. It becomes my worst enemy. "He's fifty-six years old, lives in Muskegon…." Muskegon? That's on the other side of the state… It's like four hours away. How could we even visit?… "He's a welder, owns a business and home in town there…" What about a family? Who would be with Christian while he's working? Has he already found a sitter? "He knows about you." What? I'm not even sure how to react to that news. "He was glad to hear there would be something better for Christian than the foster system…" At that comment I feel mad. Helen and Ben are amazing people. They have been wonderful to Christian… "He asked what would happen if he denied his rights, so he was informed a family is waiting to adopt." Wait… Does that mean he isn't taking him? He's decided not… "But he hasn't made his decision yet. He wants to meet you before he decides."
Carrick looks up at me and we're both unsure how to feel. On one hand, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but then there's the uncertainty. "Jackson," Carry's voice breaks my train of thought. "Did he say when? We'd rather do this sooner than later; for Christian's sake." I nod letting my husband know I agree with his assessment of the situation.
"Well, Mr. Beckett is feeling the same way. Are you available early this week?"
"We'll make the time, Jackson. Just let us know so we can make arrangements for Elliot. Muskegon is a significant drive."
"Actually, he's willing to meet you half-way, in Lansing. He told me about a restaurant about a mile from the capital building, easy to get to from the highway. We can meet there and talk about things."
"That'll be fine. Just let me know the name and when we need to be there." We say our good-byes and Carry reminds me that Jackson will be there as Christian's representation. I knew about that but I'm not sure how I feel about him being there. Can't we have a private conversation first?
It's Tuesday morning. I'm getting Elliot off to school and my mother will be picking him up at the end of the day if we're not home in time, which I'm thinking we won't be. I'm so much more nervous to meet Mr. Beckett than I was to see Christian for the first time at the park, and that's saying something. I think I've changed my outfit three times already and I'm not totally sure about this one. Carrick doesn't know I've noticed, but he's changed his shirt twice and is wearing a different jacket than he started the day with. I want to be myself but this meeting feels like it deserves a more formal atmosphere. On the other hand, I want us to look like a loving mother and father, not just some cold executives discussing a business deal over lunch.
We head out for the two hour drive to Lansing. Putting some music on is helping me keep my thoughts from running away with me. Yet the more I see the cities and towns go by, the closer and closer we get, the faster my heart begins to pound. My hand is shaking when Carry reaches over to hold it in his. Before I know it, we're pulling into the lot behind the restaurant. We head into the darkened Italian atmosphere and the hostess leads us to a smaller room where I see Jackson Price stand and wave us over. Carry, ever the gentleman, puts his arm around my waist to walk me to the table. Jackson makes the introductions. "Mr. Beckett, this is Mr. Grey and his wife Doctor Trevelyan…"
"Please," I cut in quickly, afraid we're already sounding too formal. "It's Grace, and this is Carrick." I motion to my husband who reaches out to shake hands, then I follow in turn. "We're pleased to meet you Mr. Beckett."
"It's Aaron. Thank you for coming." He continues as we sit. "This whole situation has been… I'm not really sure how to describe it from my perspective." We order lunch. I'm too nervous to eat anything, but out of deference to the gravity of this day, I order some linguini with clam sauce. Aaron continues, "I don't know what Mr. Price was able to tell you, but the phone call I received was more than a surprise, I can assure you."
Our food arrives and as we eat I have to smile and chuckle. Jackson, Carrick and Aaron all look at me. "I'm sorry. I'm just reminded of, well Carry, our first lunch at the hospital with Christian. Remember? Elliot was teaching him to spin his fork to eat the spaghetti?" Carrick nods and gives a small smile.
"How could I forget that one? He made a huge mess; sauce everywhere. And both boys ended up needing a change of clothes…" We notice Jackson and Aaron looking at us. Jackson has no idea what we're talking about but Aaron looks down. Our comments seem to have upset him. Suddenly I feel contrite. I certainly don't want to upset this man who holds our family in his decision, but at the same time, I feel it important he know how we've already bonded as a family. We continue to eat but can feel a heavy weight in the air around us. As we are nearly finished, I decide it's time to have this discussion, regardless of the final outcome.
"Mr. Beckett, you wanted to meet with us. Is there something we can tell you? About us, or about Christian?" I reach into my purse to pull out a photo of the boys together and share it with him.
"He's got Ellie's eyes, doesn't he? I guess that hair came form his father. There's nothing like it in our family that I know of." Aaron looks at the photo for a while. "I'd like to tell you my side of the story, if that's OK." Carry and I both nod.
"My brother Daniel and I were very close as we grew up. When he met Rachel, that's Ellie's…um, Ella's mother, he was totally smitten, and so was the whole family. See, Daniel was very private. He only had a handful of friends besides me. He had some struggles through school, but had more common sense than most people you'll meet. Anyway, like I said, when he met Rachel, we were all excited for him.
"She was beautiful with that thick dark hair. She was also very smart; real good with numbers… They were inseparable and once they were out of high school, Daniel made plans to get married. He got a good job at a factory in Grand Rapids and Ella was going to Grand Valley State. They got married and tried to start a family right away, but that wasn't in the cards. It took them several years for Rachel to get pregnant, so they were over the moon when it happened.
"Anyway, once Ella... I always called her Ellie… was born, something happened with Rachel. She was never one to have a lot of friends either; she was happy with Daniel being her world. But now she had a baby and I don't know, maybe it was overwhelming for her. Or maybe feeling she didn't have other people she could count on to help was too much… We don't really know, but she seemed to change. We all tried to help, but she wouldn't really let us.
"Daniel became everything in that family; he'd work his shift, come home to make dinner for Ellie and Rachel, get Ellie off to bed then work on the house to straighten it up. He'd get Rachel to help, but he told me several times it was like having a second child. It was tiring.
"And his job wasn't easy to begin with. He was supposed to wear a respirator but he said it got in his way. I tried to tell him he'd be breathing in all kinds of crap and would end up sick, but he just kept telling me I wasn't there, I didn't know… We all tried to help with the home situation. We loved Rachel and we hated seeing Ellie not getting the attention from her mother. Rachel loved her, but there was something that affected her; maybe it was hormones or depression. Daniel didn't want to involve any kind of medical professionals, even though he had great insurance. I guess Rachel said she didn't want it.
"Well, when Ellie was about seven, Daniel's decision not to wear protection caught up to him. When I finally convinced him to see a doctor, the cancer had progressed from the right lung to the left. He went through some treatment but it wasn't working and it just made life for Ellie even worse. Now Rachel was just a mess over Daniel, and when we tried to help, she'd refuse to let us. My mother wanted to get legal involved but we weren't really even sure how to do that, and Daniel fought us on it anyway because of how upset it made Rachel.
"When Daniel died, it got worse. Ellie was only nine, but Rachel wouldn't even let us see her. The more we tried to help and get Ellie help, the more Rachel fought. Then one day, she was gone. I went over to try to help, again, but the car was gone. The door was locked, no one answered. I looked in the window and everything was gone.
"I tried to find out where she had gone. My parents put what they could afford into trying to find them, but we didn't have enough to hire private investigators. I put in what I could but building your own business there's not a lot of profit for several years. I know it's no excuse… Knowing what happened…. I wish I would have…"
Aaron starts to break down. I want to say something but have no idea what I could possibly say to this man. So I reach over to squeeze his arm; to let him know we are listening with no judgments. He looks at me and nods.
"I owed it to my brother to take care of his little girl. I owed it to Ellie to help her…" He takes a deep breath and tried to continue. "Last week, when I got the call about her I was in shock. I wanted to find her for so long I would have traveled anywhere in the world to help her. So when I was told she was… How she died… My heart just broke in two. When I was told about her little boy, about Christian, I wanted him immediately. He is my only way to make this all up to them. Taking care of him will be like taking care of Daniel and Ella, or even Rachel.
"But for some reason I asked what would happen if I said no. I found out about you. That you already signed the papers to adopt him. I needed to meet you. I needed you to hear Daniel's story and hear your story too."
Carrick looks at me and I can tell all this has been as upsetting for him as for me. He puts his arm around me and his expression is silently asking if it's OK he start our story. I nod and let him tell Aaron why we love this little boy.
My husband retells about getting the phone call from me, seeing Christian for the first time, helping him through his fear of touch, helping him with just about everything, and even how well he and Elliot play together. Then I take over and talk about feeling someone had injured my child that first night. I refrain from telling him the true extent of the injuries but make it known that none of them were Christian's fault or accidental. I need him to know the truth.
I add that we've prayed so hard about this and assure him of how much we want Christian as part of our family. We tell him about playing at the park, the zoo, carving pumpkins... I don't intend to hurt Aaron's feelings, but I have to let him know how much Christian is already a part of our hearts.
"Aaron, we know how painful his first four years have been. We feel so sad for you that these past decades have been so hard for your whole family, but please know, we love Christian… so much. We would give him everything he could ever need or want… Please know he will be loved and cared for, every moment of every day."
I see Aaron tearing up. He sits back and looks away to hide his emotions. When he turns back to us, he speaks very quietly, but I will forever remember what he says… "I can see how much you love Christian. I loved Daniel. I loved Rachel and Ellie, so much. If I take her little boy, it will be because I need to make amends to Ellie. But you want to take this little boy for him; to make his life something it won't be any other way- even with me." Am I understanding what he's saying? Or am I reading things into this? "I just ask one thing… Please don't judge her; Ellie I mean. Please know she did come from a loving family. If I had known where she was, she never would have…. Please?"
Carrick nods and my heart almost breaks when I hear my husband tell him we will never focus on Ella's choices or the past, except where it will help Christian overcome his fears. His voice almost cracks when he adds "We just want to love her little boy and make him part of our family."
"Will you send me pictures? As he grows? Will you agree to do that?" We had never discussed anything like this, but Carrick tells Aaron that could be arranged. Again my heart is pounding… Is this really happening? Am I hearing what I really think I am?
We have finished our lunch and Aaron rises to leave. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. I need to think on this a little more. I won't take too long, though. I promise." We rise to shake hands and say good-bye. "Thank you too, both of you, for caring so much for him." It seems Aaron wants to say something else, but emotionally just can't get it out right now.
"I assure you Aaron," I tell him, "It's our pleasure. Even when it's a challenge." I give him a small smile hoping it will express something positive as we all go our separate ways. Carrick and I say good-bye to Jackson as well and head on home. I can't describe how we're truly feeling right now. There are no words. I can say though, that we are both thinking on the depth of Aaron's loss, but hoping it will lead to our family's joy.