Chapter 12

Staring out of the window, watching the snowflakes hitting the ground, Emma wished they could stay here forever. Here in the country.

The past three months had been the best of her life; she'd never felt this happy before. Nothing had seemed to penetrate their bubble, they'd spent days in front of the fire, playing games with Henry, reading to each other. Henry and Killian had taken every opportunity to be out and about, dragging Emma with them as often as they could manage, and seeing her son so happy had made her heart ache.

Killian was so great with him, treating Henry as if he was his own son, and she didn't know how to thank him for it. Henry had never been so carefree; he could run through the house and make as much noise as he wanted, because nobody cared. Everyone loved him. Mary Margaret let him stay in the kitchen with her for hours, and if Henry wasn't in the kitchen he was at the stables with David.

Her son was happy here, and so was she.

Before she met Killian she didn't think she could ever feel this way. This happy. This cherished. Her husband was worshipping her body almost every night, and every time she melted into him, let him push her over the edge with his mouth and tongue, begging him to give her more.

He always gave her more, but she was always on top, and even if this position was giving her the most control, she also wondered how it might be if he was on top of her. A part of her still didn't feel ready to give up control, to trust him completely. But another part of her was screaming inside of her every time Killian joined her in bed. This part wanted her to spread her legs and just pull him over her and let him sink into her as deep as he could, let him fill her completely.

She'd needed the control; the control had helped her overcome one of her fears. The first time she'd let Killian slip inside of her, she could only do it because he'd been almost completely incapacitated. He could hardly move because of his injured ankle, and she'd felt in complete control, she'd known she could stop anytime she needed to. But she hadn't wanted to stop. It had felt good; really, really good, and she didn't want to give up feeling like this.

But the winter was coming to an end; she knew they had to go back to London very soon, and the thought made her heart grow heavy. They hadn't heard anything about Milah and Neal, but that didn't mean they could let their guards down. She knew Neal, she knew he wouldn't give up without a fight.

Killian and she couldn't hide forever. They had to face the real world eventually. But she didn't want to face the real world, she wanted to stay here forever. And with a suddenness that took her breath away the realization hit her that sometime over the last months she had fallen in love with her husband. Her heart was racing in her chest and she slumped down onto the next available chair, pressing one hand against her chest, in case her heart tried to leap out of her ribcage.

A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, but then she started to wonder if her husband reciprocated her feelings and the smile faltered. Killian was very attentive, and she was certain he enjoyed spending time with her, in and out of bed. But love? Was it possible that her husband felt more for her than respect and lust? Or would he just stay in her bed until she was pregnant with his child?

Emma's hand slipped down to her stomach, the flatness of it causing a sad feeling to darken her heart. She still hadn't conceived, and the fact that she hadn't been able to give Killian an heir yet was weighting heavy on her shoulders. He never said anything, but she thought she could see a slight flicker of disappointment every time she told him they couldn't enjoy each other in bed because of her monthly courses.

How should she know if there was something more? Should she just ask him? No, she definitely couldn't just ask him, but what should she do then. Her head started to spin, and she felt her temples start to pound.

Deciding that she wasn't able to come to a decision just this minute, she pushed herself up from the chair and wandered over to the bookshelves. Maybe finding another book for them to read would distract her from her own thoughts, and she forced herself to concentrate on the titles as she let her fingers glide over the covers while walking along the row.

As she pulled out a book to flip through it, she spied another book wretched into the back, and Emma reached for it to pull it out. There was nothing written on the cover and with some curiosity she opened it in the middle and gasped when her eyes fell on the pictures. She almost clapped it shut again, heat rushing to her cheeks, but her fascination won out and she looked more closely, flipping over page after page, her mouth falling opened in surprise about all variety of possibilities she'd never thought about before.

She just tilted her head to make out the mechanics of a seemingly very uncomfortable position when the door was yanked opened and Henry stormed in. Emma almost dropped the book to the floor, but she closed her fingers around it just in time, and was even able to shove it back on the shelf without drawing Henry's attention to it.

"Mommy, Mary Margaret is playing the piano." His small hand tugged at hers, pulling her towards the door. "Come dance with me, mommy."

Her eyes flickered back to the place where she'd put the book back into its hiding place, deciding to come back for it later. She might have to study it for a little while longer.

Dancing around with Henry relaxed Emma considerable, and she swirled around with him while Mary Margaret was playing the piano, but when the door opened and her husband stepped in, everything came back with a vengeance.

Her feelings for him, and the lewd pictures she'd seen in the book she'd discovered, and the air surrounding her suddenly felt too heavy to breathe in.

Killian was watching them from the side of the room until Mary Margaret stopped playing, his mouth tilting up into a smile as he joined them.

"Would you give me the next dance, milady?" he asked, holding out his hand to her. "We should practice before our first ball in London takes place."

A feeling of dread settled into her stomach as he mentioned London, but she took his hand nonetheless, ignoring the flutters the contact shoot through her body.

"I can't dance," Emma admitted quietly as he pulled her closer, a jolt of warmth snapping through her when Killian looked down at her with a rakish grin on his face.

"There's only one rule, love." His voice was a seductive rumble in her ear, making her well aware of how close he was standing to her, and how his scent enveloping her made the yearning in her body almost too painful to bear. "Pick a partner who knows what he's doing."

The mischievous glint in his eyes told her he wasn't only talking about dancing, but before she could think of a retort, he'd pulled her even closer and nodded to Mary Margaret.

Emma was lost when the first notes of a waltz echoed through the room and her husband swept her off her feet. He was right, she didn't need to do anything than letting him lead. He definitely knew what he was doing, and it was so easy to just relax in his arms and let herself enjoy the music, the feeling of his strong fingers enclosing hers, and the shift of his other hand against the small of her back.

And for a few precious minutes Emma forgot all her sorrows.

Emma was sitting on the bed in only her shift, waiting for Killian to join her. The feeling of uneasiness had come back the moment they'd stopped dancing; she still didn't know how she should handle her new discovered feelings for her husband, and the fear that she might lose him was bigger than ever.

The fact that they would go back to London very soon seemed to hang over her like a guillotine ready to fall. Emma feared that the moment they left the country everything would be different. She feared that everything would go back to the way before she opened up to Killian, that she'd lose what they'd built here, and that fear made her desperate.

If she was about to lose the connection they'd formed, she would enjoy every minute of the time they'd left. And maybe tonight she would finally conceive. Something she wished so desperate for.

Emma laid one hand on her stomach and wondered if it was the right time. Some part of her wanted to give birth to Killian's child so that he was bound to her at least in that way. She couldn't be sure of his love, but she could be sure he would love their child, and maybe that was all she should hope for. After all he married her to protect her and her son, in return she'd give him an heir. Falling in love hadn't been part of the contract, and she should be grateful for what they had, and not hope for more.

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted when Killian stepped into the bedchamber, the smile on his face faltering when he looked at her, and Emma wondered if the desperation she visible on her face. A furrow of concern appeared between his brows as he stepped closer, but before he could say anything Emma held up the book she'd retrieved from the library after dinner, ready to put her plan into motion.

"I found something interesting."

His mouth dropped opened, and a blush rose up into his cheeks; he clearly recognized the book. His eyes narrowed, a flicker of hunger flashing over them, before he had himself under control again. "You shouldn't have seen this."

"You've experienced some of these … positions," Emma asked, wondering, not for the first time, how she was able to be so bold when it came to her husband and her bedroom manners.

"Some," he admitted after a few seconds of silence. His head tilted to the side as he eyed her, his gaze suddenly turning speculative. "Why? You want to try some out?"

"Yes," she burst out, retracting immediately when doubt flickered up in her. "No. I don't know."

She looked away from her husband's penetrating gaze, feeling the mattress dip as he sat down beside her. His fingers closed around her chin and he turned her face back around gently, dipping it up so that she had to meet his eyes again.

"Emma, you don't have to get adventurous for my sake," he said softly, his eyes full of understanding. "I love being with you. I don't need different positions. All I need is you." Her heart fluttered in her chest as he dropped his hand and linked his fingers with hers, squeezing her hand, and Emma was overwhelmed by a wave of love for her husband, the feeling pushing the air out of her lungs. She stared down at their entwined hands, and suddenly the reminder of one picture flickered through her mind. She inhaled a sharp breath, her fingers clenching Killian's and his voice sounded worried as he asked, "What? What is it, Emma?"

"I … There is ..." She felt completely flustered, but she'd studied that particular picture for minutes, and she let her hand slip out of Killian's grasp and reached for the book she'd dropped on the mattress, flipping through it with shaking fingers until she found was she was looking for, and turned the book towards Killian so he could see the picture. "Can we try this?" He stiffened when his eyes fell on the picture, and his jaw clenched so hard that a muscle twitched in his cheek, making her regret she'd asked. "We don't have to … I … just forget I asked."

"You want to render me completely helpless to your mercy?"

"Yes," she whispered, averting her gaze so that she didn't need to meet his gaze.

"God, Emma. You're trying to kill me here."

Her eyes snapped up to his, and he threw her a lopsided smirk before pushing her gently off the bed. He stood up himself, shed his clothes without saying another word and laid back down on the mattress, spreading his body out like it was shown in the picture.

"But be careful, love," he told her with a husky voice. "I've never tried this position before."

Emma's heart was almost beating out of her chest as she reached for the scarves she'd laid on the table in case he'd agree and climbed up on the bed beside him. Her breath quickened as she fastened one scarf around a bedpost and then around one of his wrists, making sure the bindings weren't too tight. She repeated the movements on his other side before turning around and securing his ankles in the same way.

"You all right?" Emma whispered as she turned to face him, astounded by her own bold behavior.

"Fine," Killian said, shifting on the mattress, drawing her attention back to his body.

Emma almost let out a sigh as she let her gaze travel over his nude form, her core starting to throb in the rhythm of her heartbeat. Her husband was a magnificent human being, all lean muscles and controlled strength, the proof of his arousal lying long and hard against his stomach; she wanted nothing more than to straddle him and take him deep into her body. A growl made her snap her eyes back to Killian's face, and her nipples tightened as he saw the lust shimmering in his eyes.

"Bloody hell, Emma," he rasped, yanking carefully at the bindings. His breath quickened visibly and his cock jerked when he realized that he could only move a few inches. "This is … oh my God."

The last words were uttered in a harsh whisper as she closed her fingers around his rigid length and started to pump him slowly while watching his face. Another wave of heat shot down between her legs when his eyes glazed over and little whimpers spilled over his lips.

"Emma?" he whined when she quickened the pace of her hand and tightened her grip, his hips bucking upwards into her touch.

She'd never used her mouth on him, but suddenly she wanted to, needed to know how he tasted, wanted to know how it felt to close her lips around his arousal, and so she leaned forward and just did it.

"Lord have mercy," Killian gasped, his whole body going rigid as he tried to stay still.

The pictures she'd seen in the book flickered over her closed eyelids and she slipped a hand between his legs, cupping his balls gently. He let out a guttural growl when she pulled his cock deeper into her mouth. She didn't know exactly what she should do, but apparently she was doing it right, Killian only hissing 'no teeth' before he let out another growl, and his hips jerked up from the mattress.

Emma licked and sucked at him like she wanted to, not worrying about doing it right anymore, only seeking her own pleasure, surprised about being so aroused by having his cock inside her mouth. She felt hot, her whole body aching for release, and she opened her knees wider, letting one hand slip down over her stomach; she'd seen women do that in the book, and wondered if she'd be able to find release without Killian's help.

"Let me taste you," Killian suddenly pleaded, his voice hoarse with lust, and Emma remembered in vivid details one particular picture where the woman was kneeling over the man, facing away from him, her mouth closed around his cock and the man's head between the woman's legs.

Emma hesitated only briefly before she let his cock slip out of her mouth and pulled her shift over her head. She straddled his chest, lowering herself slowly until she felt Killian's breath against her swollen folds.

"Closer," Killian barked, his voice husky with desperation and Emma obeyed immediately, feeling his scruff brush over her thighs before his mouth pressed against her most intimate part.

Emma moaned and rocked her hips against his face for a moment before leaning forward again, swirling her tongue around the head of his cock, and he rewarded her with a deep thrust of his tongue into her trembling sheath. He slipped his tongue in and out of her in a frantic pace and she groaned around him, feeling her walls clench in anticipation of the climax she knew wasn't far away.

But she wanted him to come with her so she sucked at him so hard that her cheeks hollowed out, and he growled against her folds, his tongue now lapping hungrily over her clit, making it almost impossible for her to concentrate on her task.

It probably was pure luck that a flick of his tongue against her most sensitive spot pushed her over the edge in the same moment a suck of her mouth made him come, and she swallowed reflexively when his release hit the back of her throat, her whole body trembling with her own climax as she took everything he could give her, sucking on his cock until he was spent completely.

His cock slipped out of her mouth, and she crashed down on him, her legs still straddling his chest. She felt his breath brush over her sensitive core, and her body was coming back alive with the gentle brush of air, but she was too exhausted to even move.

It took her a few moments until she realized that Killian was still tied to the bed and she scrambled up with some effort, untying him as fast as possible, sudden embarrassment heating her cheeks when she noticed that the bindings had left his skin bright red. Fortunately the skin wasn't broken, but she should probably bring him some salve to soothe it. But before she could flee into the bathroom she felt Killian's arms around her, tugging her towards him, and she laid down beside him without complaint, burying her face into his chest.

"This was incredible, love," he said softly, his voice a low rumble. "I can't even … You're incredible."

Emma pushed herself up to look at him, feeling a surge of pride rushing through her as she saw the sated expression on his face. But she'd apparently worn him out, because one moment he smiled at her and the next his eyes fell shut, his breathing evening out moments later.

Lifting one hand, she brushed a lock of his hair out of his face, her throat closing up with emotions as she looked down at her sleeping husband. Her hand trembled as she trailed her fingers down his cheek and throat, letting her hand rest over his heart for a moment before she leaned forward and brushed her lips over Killian's cheek. Her throat hurt with the effort to hold the words in, but in the end she lost the fight, and the words slipped over her lips in a hoarse whisper, "I love you."