How It Happened
Chapter 20
Carrick
Grace and I have been trying to make it through this week. Even considering some of the lengthy trials I've worked on, I can't remember a week that's felt as long as this one has. We're trying to act as normal as possible for Elliot's sake, but I know we both are just barely making it day to day. Every time the phone rings we jump and I'm sure my blood pressure has skyrocketed more than several times over the last seventy two hours. But so far, there's been nothing from Jackson because there's been nothing from Aaron. He said he wouldn't take long, and I can completely understand this is a life altering decision, but every moment we don't know, is another moment Christian is not home. Even if that home is not with us.
We're coming up on another weekend and with everything hanging on a thread, we've decided to simply have Christian come over to the house and make it a family weekend at home. Grace picked up some stuff so we can make pizzas. It's actually something we've never done, so it'll be a first for Elliot too. She got some snacks and root beer, which is a rare treat as we don't usually let El drink pop like that. I got assigned the job of stopping at the video store so we could eat our pizzas and a watch a movie together as a family.
With it only a week away, I decided to pick up some kid-friendly Halloween movies, as well as a couple Grace and I could watch together later. She'll only watch horror movies if I'm with her and then she's hilarious. She tries to convince herself how 'fake' everything is so she won't be scared. It never works. I find it fun.
As I walk in the door, I hear her in the kitchen mumbling to herself and I recall her anxiety the day of the park visit. I head over to be sure she's not working herself into a tizzy again. "Gracie? Is everything OK in here?" She turns toward me then waves it off.
"What? Oh, yeah. I'm just trying to organize all these pizza toppings. I want this to be fun for the boys but I'm not excited about the potential mess… Whose idea was this again? Please tell me it was not mine." I have to let out a small laugh.
"It was yours, Baby. And it was a great one. The boys will love it, and it'll be fun for us too." I lean in and give her a kiss on the cheek. "I've been looking forward to this whole 'make my own' thing."
"Really?" I get a suspicious look, but I nod. "It's not as if you're Mr. Let-me-help-in-the- kitchen. As I recall, the last dinner you helped me make was Elliot's birthday two years ago, and that was only grilling hamburgers and hot dogs. What's so exciting about this now?"
"Well, usually when we get pizza, we stick with cheese and pepperoni. Tonight, I finally get a pizza the way I like it! With everything! You did get anchovies, right?"
"No. I got cheese, pepperoni, mushrooms…" She's pointing to the myriad of bowls filled with colorful toppings on the counter. "… Peppers, pineapple, ham and onions. That should be enough. I mean, I don't know what Christian will want…" She stops and we look at each other. I raise my eyebrows and give her the look. "Yeah… He'll eat anything. As long as we don't try to put pumpkin seeds on his… He'll be fine, huh?" We both smile at that reminder. Then I nod. "So we're good here, right?" This time I shake my head. "Anchovies?" I nod. "Really? Those things are awful, Carry."
"Make. Your. Own. Pizza. You came up with it, Sweetheart!" I lean in for a kiss on her lips this time. "But I'll go get them myself. I should be back in about twenty minutes. Christian should be getting dropped off in about thirty, and I know you'll want to be here, just in case it takes me a little longer…"
"You know I love you, right?" Grace puts her arms around me for another kiss. This time taking a little longer to let go.
Grace
Once Carrick leaves, I turn back to my task at hand. I'm up to my elbows in chopped vegetables and mixing pizza sauce when the doorbell rings. Christian's here already? "Elliot, will you please answer the door?" I hear him yell an excited welcome to Christian and I hurry out to the foyer to greet my little boy. We weren't expecting him so soon, but every extra minute with him is a joy to me!
I'm still wiping my hands when he sees me. The social worker has brought him this time as Ben and Helen had other obligations with some of the other children. She looks a little anxious, like she wants to speak with me, but she's just going to have to wait. I always look forward to seeing his smile, and those eyes… Tonight there isn't a smile; well, not really. I can tell he's glad to see us, but he's a little more reserved than usual, if that's even possible. I can't put my finger on it but he just seems off. "Hello, Darling! I'm so glad to see you! I miss you when you're not with us." Usually I get a smile when I tell him I miss him. Not tonight. There's almost no change in expression. "How about you take your coat and hat off. You remember where to put them? Elliot can you help Christian with his things?" The two boys head off to put Christian's things away in Elliot's room.
"Dr. Trevelyan, can we speak for a minute?" The social worker seems a bit anxious, so I step out onto the porch with her. "Christian's had a rough couple days. Helen wanted you to know. He's had more tantrums in the last several days than in the last few weeks. He's been hitting the other children and the nightmares have been more severe." I must say this has me a little taken back and concerned about how tonight will go. I haven't seen him really have an issue since the hospital. I suppose that's not too uncommon, though. What do they always say? Three steps forward, two steps back… "So if you feel it's becoming too much, here is my card. I can come and get him early…"
"What?" I could not have heard her correctly. "You think I'm going to send him back early because he's 'having a few bad days'? He is here tonight, until nine o'clock, then at nine a.m. tomorrow morning, he's here again. What family sends a child away for any reason, let alone one who may be suffering from some significant memories that none of us could even comprehend? If you don't already know, our goal is to have him with us permanently. So please excuse me if I don't call you this evening." I can hear my anxiety… well anger actually this time. Her facial expressions make it evident she wasn't expecting that response. "I appreciate your delivering Helen's message. Now we can be prepared and can help him through whatever is bothering him, but whatever happens, we will handle it." She apologizes for anything that may have upset me and thankfully, is on her way. What a horrible way to start this visitation.
Just then I hear it coming from upstairs "Hey! Stop it! Stop it!" Oh no… already? I head up the stairs and head toward the cries from my son. What I find is Elliot with is arms up in defense and Christian trying to find an opening to lay one on him.
"Oh no you don't. Christian, stop it right now!" I catch his hands from behind and am gifted with his loud shrieking. "I know you don't want me to touch you, but you may not hit Elliot! Let's go. Downstairs." I start to lead him out of the room, but catch Elliot's expression as I do. "Elliot, please just give him a few minutes, OK? I guess he's been having a tough week." I get a silent nod, but it's evident he's disappointed. He always looks so forward to Christian's time with us.
The grunts and shrieks continue as I lead him downstairs and I notice Christian seems to be in some other zone. I'm not sure he even recognizes that I'm the one holding his hands. I lead him back to the kitchen so I can continue getting everything ready and he can have a time out where I can keep an eye on him. Usually, Elliot's 'time out' is served in Carrick's office as there's nothing in there of interest to a small boy. But I can't trust Christian in there without Carrick home to watch him, and I do want us to get to our planned activities at some point this evening. So I sit him in one of the kitchen chairs, but move it away from the table. I don't want sitting at the table to become synonymous with a punishment. I'm amazed all this is going through my head right now.
I manage to get him in the chair, but he's kicking and shrieking; still in that zone. I'm trying to get his attention and sooth him, but it's no use. I'd give him the blanket if it was anywhere around, but if it's here, it's still upstairs. Finally I decide to go the route of giving him nothing for his effort, so I go back to my task of preparing for us to make pizzas. I let him be and the tantrum continues. I hear Carrick come in through the garage door. Oh, thank god.
As he comes in the kitchen, I notice him looking around for the source of the commotion. When he sees Christian in the chair, he looks back at me and lets out a deep sigh. I think he's going to head back out to make an escape, but instead he heads over toward the table and sits in a chair next to him. At first Christian doesn't notice Carrick at all, but once he starts talking sternly, I can tell he's actually listening. "…So when I get to three, you will be done with this tantrum, do you understand me? One… two…" Christian wants to keep fussing, I can see it on his face, but he's looking at Carrick, whose face is making it quite clear that this tantrum is now over. "Three." Miraculously, the shrieking is over, the kicking has stopped, the face is still angry, but he seems out of the zone and back with us. I hear him let out a sigh and look around the kitchen.
Christian seems to finally notice where he is, and me, for the first time since he walked in the door. He gives me a small version of a relieved smile. Then he looks at Carrick and the grumpy look is back. "Don't even start, young man." With that, Carrick gets up and comes over to give me a kiss. We hear a slightly frightened squeal but it doesn't last and I have to chuckle. Peripherally, I see Christian slowly sliding down to escape the time out chair. Carrick sees it too and gives me a small grin. Without turning his head he says "Get back in that seat Christian. Doctor Grace will tell you when you may get up." He heads out of the kitchen and I turn toward Christian. The grumpy face is back, but he shimmies back up on the seat.
Carrick
Wow. I'm not sure what that was all about, but man, Christian is in rare form. Poor Grace looks like she'd been through the ringer. What the hell happened? He couldn't even have been here more than ten minutes. I mean, I've only been gone twenty five! And where's Elliot? Usually, during our visits, he and Christian are inseparable. I head upstairs to change my clothes. I really don't want to spend my family movie night in a suit and tie.
Elliot's door is open and as I pass it, I see him sitting on the floor quietly playing with his Legos. Again, I wonder about what happened in the short time I was out. Once I'm changed and feeling much more comfy, I stop into Elliot's room. "Hey Buddy! Whatcha' doin' in here all alone?" I get a silent shrug. "You don't know? You do know Christian is here, right?" This results in a silent nod. "El? This isn't like you. You love to play with Christian and you're never this quiet unless you're sick, so what's up?" I'm on the floor with him picking up Legos to fit together, making nothing in particular. Another silent shrug. "Hey, I thought we decided to tell what's bothering us so we can fix it, remember? Mom and I can't help if we don't know what the problem is."
I wait for him to feel comfortable enough to talk. I'm surprised at how long it seems to take. "He got so mad. I don't even know what made him so mad, but first I just told him to put his stuff on the bed, like his coat and stuff. Then I wanted to show him my Godzilla things, 'cause we didn't get to last time 'cause we were doing the pumpkins and apple stuff, and … wait. What was I saying? Oh yeah. But when I walked over to the shelf he just started getting mad. Then he was hitting me." He gets very quiet again and goes back to putting Legos together. "I don't like it when he hits me, Dad. He did it a coupla' times in the hospital, but I thought we were better friends now." He gets quiet again.
"You two are great friends. In fact, Elliot, I'd be willing to bet you're the best friend he's ever had." I give him a minute to see if he'll respond to that. But I get, nothing. "From what Mom and I have been told, I'm not sure how many chances he's had to play with other kids at all. We really doubt things like the park or the pumpkin patch were regular parts of his life. They're probably very new to him. You have to remember too, El, he's only four years old. There are things you've done and learned since you were four that seem old hat now, but weren't two years ago."
"Yeah, I guess so. But can I hit him back? There was this second grader at school who was hitting kids at recess them someone hit him back and he stopped."
"Well, while I'm glad to hear this other kid is not hitting any more, no, you cannot hit Christian. And we will be sure he learns he cannot hit you. We will not allow him to hurt you. In fact, he was just in 'time out' in the kitchen. I'll bet it was for the hitting."
"Yeah, Mom took him downstairs. Can you do that though? Put him in time out, I mean."
"Hey. Do we allow you to hit?" I get a shake of the head. "Then he can't either. And if he needs a time out, he's gonna' get a time out." I toss the Legos back in the box and stand up. "So are you ready to head downstairs with me now? Mom wants us to make our own pizzas tonight remember? I got some fun Halloween videos for us to watch while we eat." Elliot jumps up with a smile on his face.
"Oh yeah! I never did that before. Are we gonna' throw it in the air like on TV?"
"I doubt it." I know for a fact we're not. Grace bought those ready-made crusts; one for the adults to split and one for the boys. I lean down to whisper to him like I'm telling a secret. "Mom's a bit of a neat freak about the kitchen. But we are going to put on all the toppings we want, and I for one am looking forward to it." We head out of his room together and down the stairs. As we enter the kitchen, I note the commotion is gone but Christian is still in the chair.
"There you are, Darling." Grace addresses Elliot and moves to give him a hug. She whispers something to him. I'm sure it's about what happened with Christian so I let them have their moment. I see Elliot nod and whisper something back. They hug and Grace gives him a kiss on the forehead. I love my family. I turn toward the other little one we're hoping will become part of it.
"Are you ready to get up?" I call across the kitchen. "Doctor Grace, is Christian ready to get up and come over to make a pizza?" I see his eyes widen and his expression tells me he is very interested in the whole 'pizza' idea.
"I think so. Christian, if you are ready to behave, you may get up now." I see him nod and Grace walks over to him. He's about to turn and slide off the seat when she looks him in the eyes and lovingly, but firmly adds, "But you will need to apologize to Elliot for hurting him. We do not allow hitting. We will not allow Elliot to hit you, and we will not allow you to hit him, either." An apology? How is that going to work?
She holds out her hand for him. He takes it cautiously, and she walks him over to Elliot who does not look too comfortable with this situation. "Christian…." Christian looks up at her, then at Elliot. I have no idea what Grace is expecting from him, but she's giving him the 'raised eyebrows' so she's expecting something. After an awkward silent moment, Christian reaches out and touches Elliot's arm. He's hanging his head so there is some element of remorse.
Elliot looks a little confused. He looks up at Grace, then at me. "He's supposed to 'pologize. Does this count?"
"Yes, Darling. It counts," Grace says. "Now, how about we get started on those pizzas?" We all gather around the counter and between spreading the sauce and adding lots of toppings, we're having fun. Although, Elliot is a bit bummed we're not throwing them in the air. We're also making a mess. Christian still seems a bit out of sorts. Whenever Elliot reaches for something, he reaches for it too and tries to push him away. We're trying not to make a big deal about it, but I can tell it's starting to get on Elliot's nerves.
Thankfully, the pizzas are ready to go in the oven. Once they're in, Grace has me take the boys out to the family room to start a video. Hopefully this will help them smooth out their evening together. Elliot picks his favorite and heads to the television, but Christian makes it known he wants something else. He picks up video number two and runs to the TV. I don't think Christian even knows anything about the video he chose; he seems to have chosen it simply because it's not the one Elliot picked. "We'll watch Elliot's choice first, then yours Christian. We'll have plenty of time for both." He stomps his feet, shakes his head wildly and starts grunting. Another tantrum? Already? "Young man, we are not starting this again. Do you need another time out?" He's a little taken back by the sternness in my voice. For a moment, his face is clearly expressing his displeasure at having to choose, but I get the desired result. He stops the stomping and drops the video down on the coffee table.
Grace comes in and sits on the couch. Christian looks over to her, back to me, then over to Elliot. He climbs up next to Grace who smiles, as she just missed the latest behavior. I don't want to focus on the negatives but I need her to know the behavior issue has not really ended. "Now I hope we're done with the tantrums. If there is another, you will not be allowed to watch the movie with us for a while." Grace looks at me surprised that there's been another issue already. "You'll find yourself back in time out. I mean it Little Man; be done." I see him look to Grace as if she'll protect him from my discipline. Well, good luck little boy. She and I are always on the same page where that's concerned. Grace looks down at him with a disappointed look. That does it. I see him physically shrink a little and some of the pompous tension leave his shoulders. OK now. Let's get on with our evening, shall we?
Grace
I do a little straightening up after the pizza making. We'll need to do that more often; although next time, Carry gets his own pizza crust. If my side tastes like anchovies because of him, I'm going to be less than happy. The pizzas are baking and will need about fifteen minutes, which is enough time for me to go sit with my boys. As I enter the family room, something seems odd, but Christian sees me and climbs up to set next to me on the couch. I want to put my arm around him and snuggle him close, but I know enough not to. It's heartbreaking, really. Elliot is such an affectionate child. I'm so used to hugs and kisses…. But the last thing I want Christian to feel at our home is any kind of fear.
Then I hear Carrick's comments about being done with tantrums and another time out. I'm saddened that Christian is feeling the need to misbehave tonight. I know he's had a rough past few days, but I was kind of hoping being here with us would help him feel better and settle down. I guess not. He looks up at me with those pleading grey eyes; like I'm going to save him from Carrick's threat of another time out. My sadness must be coming across as disappointment because he sees my face and immediately his expression changes to one of shame.
"Christian, if there is another issue and Carrick puts you in time out, that's where you will sit. Make no mistake about that. Will there be another problem?" I look directly into those eyes. I can see he's fighting several emotions, but his stubbornness is losing this one and I get a small shake of his head. "Good. Now, let's watch the movie. Elliot? What did you choose, Sweetheart?"
The video begins and Elliot climbs up between Carrick and me. The opening music has a haunting feel and both boys physically tense up. By the end of the first ten minutes, Elliot is completely sucked into the movie and on the edge of his seat, but Christian is getting antsy. He starts wiggling around and bouncing his head on the back cushion of the couch. I leave him alone but then the legs start. They're bouncing on the cushion and he starts slapping his hands on them as well. Carrick has looked over at me a few times already. "Christian, settle down please." I find myself about to touch him to calm all the movement, but thankfully I stop myself before I do and set him off. He manages to control himself for about two more minutes. Then it starts again, except now he's sliding down on the seat and is half off the couch. It's evident Elliot is getting frustrated with Christian's activity distracting from the movie. Thankfully I hear the kitchen timer.
"Christian, I think the pizzas are done. How about you come with me to get them! Come on…" I stand and reach out to him. He takes my hand as if he's excited to do anything else but stay and watch the movie. We get the pizzas cut and on plates. I add some chips and poor everyone some root beer. I let Christian carry his, which may be a bad idea, but I need to keep him occupied. So we're all on the couch eating pizzas, which turned out pretty good. Both boys are enjoying their chips and Elliot is over the moon about the root beer. The movie continues and eating is keeping Christian occupied for a few more minutes. But only a few.