A/N – another shout out to honus47 for reviewing and making great suggestions that I used, including one that will be coming up in the next chapter (or two). THANKS!

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Chapter 31

Deeks woke up the next morning and groaned. His head felt like someone was doing a very enthusiastic drum solo in it. He opened his eyes carefully and realized that he had no idea where he was. He could hear the sound of surf so he knew he was somewhere near the ocean but the room he was in was not familiar, nor was the bed. What the hell had he done? He sniffed the air and could smell coffee and salt water. His heart in his throat, he threw off the covers and found he was still fully dressed, minus his boots. He sighed in relief and stood up slowly. He made his was carefully out of the room and followed the delicious aroma of coffee. When he stumbled into the kitchen he was stunned to see Laura Shelton sitting at the table, eating breakfast and reading the paper. Neal was manning the stove.

"Um. You guys? Where am I and how did I get here?"

Laura looked up and said "Well, I'm surprised you're up this early! I wasn't expecting to see you for another few hours. You're at my guest home in Santa Barbara. You were adamant last night about not wanting to go home. Have something to eat and then you and I need to talk. If you can't talk to me, then talk to Neal."

He sat numbly at the table and let Neal put scrambled eggs, toast and coffee in front him. He smiled his thanks at his friend and drank half the coffee. Feeling a little more human, he dug into his eggs, finishing them and the toast up quickly. Like Kensi, his hangovers pretty much left his stomach unaffected. When he was done he looked up to find his two friends staring at him with identical expressions of concern.

Looking back down at his now empty plate, he said "So. I remember stopping at Steve's Place after leaving the airport last night. I have a vague memory of talking to you on the phone Laura. It's all a blur after that." He felt ashamed to have to make that last admission. He didn't really like to get that hammered, it brought back too many bad memories of his father. He especially didn't like to when he was upset about something, it affected his ability to realize he'd reached his limit and stop. He certainly hadn't planned on getting these two involved in what had transpired between him and Kensi. "How did you find me?"

"You told me where you were when you called to cancel class. Neal recognized the bar's name and we came down to get you. You were obviously not yourself, even Steve was concerned." Deeks looked up at Steve's name.

"You met Steve?"

"Yes. I must admit you have a very eclectic group of friends. The thing they all have in common is that they care about you." said Laura.

"That includes us Marty." added Neal. "Do you want to tell us what's going on? We're assuming it has something to do with Kensi as you wouldn't let either of us call her last night. I drove you here in Mrs. Shelton's car and she followed in yours. It's waiting for you outside for when you're ready to go home." Deeks looked down again, thinking about how much of what had happened he wanted to share with these two. He had opened up to Laura about his dad after Meaghan's attack but he hadn't told her everything and he hadn't told Neal any of it. He looked back at Laura and nodded.

"Neal, would you mind leaving us alone for just a bit?" asked Laura.

"Of course, Mrs. Shelton. I'll be out in the garden." Neal walked past Deeks, put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

Once he was gone, Laura looked at Deeks and said "Ok, talk to me Marty! What could possibly have happened to send you on a bender? It doesn't seem like the kind of thing you would do. What I've seen of you is that you normally face things head on."

He sighed and shook his head, not sure where to start. He finally decided, where better than the beginning? He started with the mission, as much of it as he could share with her. She may be an admiral's wife but she was still a civilian. He told her of Kensi's reaction to his saving her life. His confusion about what else he should have done, even admitting that he had worried that his lack of agent training meant he had missed another option, one that the rest of the team would have taken first, with better results.

He paused and then continued through the plane ride, how she had shut him out. Then the long quiet ride to her place from the airport. How she had apologized for yelling at him at the end of the op. Her admission that it had been his words after the prior night's fun and games he had had with some kids at a local restaurant, that had set off her reaction. He stopped. Looking Laura in the eyes he whispered "She actually told me she wondered if I was with her just because it was convenient. She based it simply on the fact that I know how she feels about having children. It made me think she didn't think much of me, that she could actually think I was someone who would just use her until I found someone better. I'm still not sure if I overreacted, but I know how I feel."

He stood up and moved to the window. He stared out, not really seeing the beautiful view. Laura stood up and moved beside him. "How did that make you feel?"

He didn't answer and she wondered if he had heard her question. She was about to ask again when he said so softly she had to strain to hear him. "Worthless."

"Your father?" she asked.

He nodded and then went quiet, lost in memories, his arms hugging his chest. Once again she wished his father were still alive so she could get her hands on him. "Marty?" she prompted.

She had finally decided he wasn't going to talk when he said "My earliest memory of my dad is him yelling at me that I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything. That he didn't want me and no one else ever would. That I was good for nothing and ruined everything I touched. He was beating me with a belt at the time. I think I was about three. It may have been the first time, but it wasn't the last."

"You can't believe anything he said, can you? Look at you! You put yourself through under grad and law school. Passed the bar! In three different states! Went to the police academy and graduated. Got promoted to detective, got selected to be the NCIS Liaison Officer over how many other qualified LAPD detectives? You have friends who care about you, people who love you." She paused and said "I told you my own father never thought I was worth his time or effort. He never said it in so many words but it was there just the same. I can understand how what Kensi said could hit home. Did you tell her how you felt? What did she say?"

"I told I thought she knew me better than that and she tried to apologize. I was about to leave when she told me she loved me for the first time."

"Well, what did you say?"

"I told her I loved her too."

"Then what's the problem?"

He took a moment to respond. "I still walked out."

"You walked out?! Why?"

"I'm not sure. I was hurt, as hurt as I've ever been by anyone in my life since my dad went to jail and my mom disappeared. She made me feel something I hadn't in a long time, like I did when my father was saying those things to me. She's the first woman in my adult life that I've ever told I loved. And I do love her, more than anything. How could she say that to me? What if he was right? What if I do ruin everything I touch?"

Laura looked at him seriously. "Have you told Kensi about your father?"

"She knows he was abusive, that I shot him when I was eleven. I've never really shared much else with her. I didn't want her to look at me differently, with the pity I've seen in other people's eyes when they find out the extent of the abuse."

"Then how can you expect her to understand how her words would affect you? Yes, she was wrong and, if she were here, I would give her a piece of my mind. But walking out? After her telling you she loved you? After you saying it back? That's not the way to keep a relationship afloat."

"I know. I know that I should have stayed but…there are other things I haven't told you. When I first started with NCIS they had the same impression of me that you did, back when I first met you. I didn't measure up to their standards and I heard about it, often, from all three of them. Kensi came around first but she still slips back into the pattern of the three of them ganging up on me. They don't mean it as anything other than teasing now but, sometimes, it still hurts, it still brings back those words that no one will ever want me, that I'll never be good enough. I've felt it all my life and, honestly, it was actually starting to go away when I met Kensi. Believe it or not, behind all the jokes and smart remarks, I'm not the most trusting person and when she said those things to me yesterday? Everything came rushing back."

"You'll have to face her sooner or later. Are you sure you want to cancel the class tomorrow? Avoiding her isn't going to solve anything and you're going to disappoint the girls. Meaghan kept saying how much she missed last week's class because of this assignment you were both on. Now you'll miss a second in a row and this time? It's not a good reason."

"Can I think about it? I don't want to disappoint the girls, you know that. But, I need to be prepared to see her. I need to be able to have a calm discussion with her; I can't let it break down into accusations or excuses. That would only make it worse. I need to let her know how and why I'm so hurt by what she thought, even if it was only momentarily." He sighed. "I also know I need to apologize for walking away. That's the one thing that Kensi can't stand. It's happened to her too many times in the past."

He looked at her and she smiled, glad that he was at least talking to her, working it through in his head. She'd thought it more than once, if ever two people were meant to be together, it was him and Kensi. If they couldn't work things out, she'd take a more active hand in things. She was pretty sure she could have a whole task force organized in no time, set to work on it if they couldn't get their act together on their own. Her musings were interrupted when he said "I'm going to take a walk on the beach, if you don't mind? There's nowhere else I think clearer than there." She nodded and watched him start to walk out of the house. He paused just inside the doorway and turned back to her. "I don't know why I feel comfortable telling you things that I've never told anyone before. I feel like you understand in ways others can't. Thank you Laura."

"I do Marty, I do understand and I've told you things I've never told anyone either. Like you, for some reason I feel you understand better than others could."

He smiled sadly and continued his way through the door and into the backyard. He stopped to talk to Neal, shaking his hand, obviously thanking him for being there for him last night. She watched him head to the beach, his head down, hands in his pockets, a solitary figure yet somehow not as defeated as he'd seemed last night. They'd work this out.

She laughed at herself when she realized she had included herself in the picture of his future. She had come so far since the time that the NCIS team had invaded her home and her world. She used to have only acquaintances that were on committees with her and now she had a real circle of girlfriends, people she could go out and have fun with, people she could be herself with. A young man she was starting to see as a younger brother, one she wanted to help and protect. She had changed and she knew it was for the better. Not that said committee members would agree and she found she just didn't care.