How It Happened

Chapter 28 C

Grace

Dr. Evans' question about Christmas has me unsettled. If I'm honest, I haven't been settled since before this meeting began. But this question has me thrown. I'm not even sure why. I just feel some big shoe is about to drop.

"Bronner's would definitely have been a big introduction for Christian," Dr. Evans continues. "But it wasn't at your home." Carrick tenses up at this. I can see it out of the corner of my eye, and hear it in his breathing. Or is that mine? "Christian will be facing changes in the house that you may not have thought about. I'm sure he will notice, and pick up on all of them. Things that are changed or new... Something as simple as moving the sofa to make room for the Christmas tree, or even just having a tree… These may make him very uneasy."

Her comments are not helping me. I'm feeling my heart rate escalate as she continues. "He has been getting to know your home, and has developed a more secure feeling since he's been there on a permanent basis. I just want you to be aware that any change, however small to you, may be significant to Christian. Too many changes, even just for the purpose of decoration, may cause him to put up a guard again. We want to do what we can to help him stay secure, and help him make adjustments. There will be a lot for him to process."

I hadn't even thought about all the new-ness for Christian. We look forward to this holiday every winter; decorating the tree, lights on the house, the excitement of Christmas morning. I mean, it feels it should all be obvious, but I guess that's just me assuming he should already know and understand. He'd have to know something, right? How could you live in America, even poverty stricken America, and not at least have experienced something? It can't all be new, really, right? Wow. Christmas… All that goes into Christmas… My mind is still reeling, yet I hear myself ask, "How do we explain all that to someone who's never experienced it?"

"More to the point," my husband adds, "How do we think about every little tradition and remember to explain it? I'm not even sure I know them all!"

"You will be fine. Don't think about all of them, just pick the few that are significant to your family. Perhaps moving toward Christmas at a slower pace… For example, my family usually takes one day and we do all the decorating. I don't know how you normally do things, but maybe this year, it would be best to do a little at a time.

"You may want to start with the obvious aspects; things he may have seen before. Christmas trees, wreaths, bows… I'm sure he was exposed to all of those at Bronner's. But I encourage you to be sure to explain all the special Gray family holiday traditions. That's what will help him build that trust. Let him know they are special for your family, and so are special for him too, now."

"Well, pretty much everything we do is your typical Christmas celebrating," Carrick states questioningly. "We have presents under a tree, stockings and cookies… Nothing really different or specific." I have to remind my husband that the trip to Bronner's was because of Grey family traditions.

"That's a wonderful example. So think about other things; when do you open gifts? Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day? Does Santa wrap presents or leave them out? I know many families who start Christmas with the stockings, but when I was little, my parents made us wait until after dinner to open ours. As a child, I didn't realize this was different until I was talking about it with my friends. Defining what you do, how your family does it… Those kinds of things will reinforce for Christian, that he is part of your family. He gets to participate just like you do, with all the same things in all the same ways."

We discuss this for a few more minutes. Dr. Evans suggested we make a list of what we're going to do on what day and share that with the boys. It could help keep it all from getting overwhelming. We both agree the slower pace would probably be best. It will allow us to take our holiday items out, and talk about them one-by-one. "Actually," Carrick adds, "this could be good for Elliot too. He probably doesn't even know where we got, or why we even have ninety percent of our decorations."

"Yes…" Dr. Evans' voice gets lower and I can tell she's about to drop that shoe I was worried about. "…And about Elliot…"

Carrick's arm around me tightens and I slide closer to him for protection from whatever I'm about to hear. "What about Elliot?" Carrick asks defensively, yet almost in a whisper.

"I'm guessing, as most six year old boys, Elliot may be a bit more overzealous or even more emotional than usual, as Christmas gets closer." Well, we can't deny that one. The week before the holiday last year, he went through every emotion there was, several times. We had to send him to his room for a nap every afternoon that week, just to be sure we kept our sanity. I'm pulled from my memories as Carrick gives me a nudge to bring me back to the conversation at hand.

"Elliot may not act the way Christian is accustomed to. He may be unpredictable. I know the two of them have become very close, which is wonderful! But Christian has certain expectations of what Elliot will say or do, based on his experiences so far. When the excitement of the holiday hits, Elliot may need reminders to try to control himself, more than usual. Try to get him to think about Christian, and help his brother along. I know that's a lot to ask a six year old, but we want the relationship the two of them have together, to remain stable.

"In addition, Christian may need to know Elliot's behavior changes are temporary; relatively soon, he will be back to the Elliot he knows and can predict. Remember, it's about developing that trust. He'll probably need reassurance that everything will be back to normal in just a few weeks. But before we wrap this up…" Oh no. What else could there possibly be? "I would like to suggest the possibility of Elliot receiving some counceling as well." I'm sure she sees our shocked expressions because she quickly reminds us "…He's been dealing with a lot of change too. As excited as he's been about his new brother, not everything has been sunshine and roses. You said he's not used to Christian's physical expression of frustration. The hitting. Elliot may need a safe place to express his feelings about everything. He may not feel it's OK to share those with you right now."

Carrick and I are both a bit taken back. We've really worked hard to establish a home where our son has felt comfortable being open with us. "Do you really think he needs it, Doctor?" I hear Carrick ask quietly, but in that voice. "Or is this…" I reach for his arm quickly before he actually says what I'm afraid he's about to. What any lawyer would say. No way am I having my husband suggest she's just trying to make a quick buck.

"I think what Dr. Evans means, is that we can't forget that Elliot is still young and may not be able to process things like we can."

"Yes, Grace. Well put. At six years old Mr. Grey, he may not even have the vocabulary to express what he feels. And he's seen how special Christian is to both of you, and so may not want you to feel upset if he was to tell you anything negative. You'd be amazed at how much children try to protect their parents from feeling sad or upset."

"Elliot and I talk all the time," Carrick adds. "I think we have a pretty open communication line, Doctor. He's such a happy kid, I'm not sure he needs therapy. He just needs Christian to stop hitting him."

"I agree," Dr. Evans adds. "And we'll keep working on that. But when it does happen, and Elliot gets upset, allow him to be angry. Keep that communication open. Let him know you want him to tell you when he's mad at Christian. That it's OK to be mad at Christian when he hits, or does anything else that's not been part of his upbringing until now."

I can see a moment of clarity on Carrick's face. He looks at me and I can see this is hitting him pretty hard. "I guess I never thought El may not feel it's OK to be mad at Christian. I mean, he's definitely been upset with him, with the hitting… But I can see how he may feel bad that he feels bad… I don't know…"

"No, Mr. Grey, that's exactly what I'm saying. Elliot may need a place to freely express his upset. You may want him to tell you, but he may need to know you want him to tell you, even if it's not 'nice.' Children are acutely aware of what is and is not nice. And I'm sure Elliot is frustrated when Christian is not nice." Carrick lets out a deep sigh and is rubbing his hands through his hair. That's not good. "It was a suggestion. Something to think about. It's of course, your decision." Dr. Evans politely tries to bring this to a close.

This has all been so much to process. Carrick and I thank the doctor, gather our things, and head out after making another appointment for two weeks from now. We should be in the middle of the whole Christmas season by then, and it will allow us to tag in on how everything is going.

Carry is quiet on the ride home. I'm pretty sure I know what he's thinking about. It's all swimming around in my head as well...

Building Christian's trust. I guess I would have thought we did that in the hospital. But that was such a short amount of time, really. Letting him know exactly what we mean, or want… Keeping life predictable… And I can see what Dr. Evans meant; Christmas is a time of so much activity, so much change. I never really thought about it before, but there really is a lot of change. I hope we can still have the fun and wonderful holiday we always have, yet meet Christian's needs as well.

Elliot… Could he really need some counceling too? I didn't think about it before, but she makes a good point. He's always so happy, but Christian's hitting and anger is getting to him. Sometimes he's almost afraid of his younger brother. Come to think of it, I have noticed him taking more time alone in his room. I just thought he didn't want to share his legos. Maybe he's just trying to deal with everything. He's only six…

As we pull in the garage and go to open the door to the house, we can hear it… "Don't! It's not yours, it's mine!" Well, we know who that is, and who he's yelling at. "Ow! Stop hitting me, Christian!" Carry is ahead of me and already heading to the family room to find out what's going on. My mother comes running down the stairs with a small airplane in her hands.

"Christian, Darling," I hear the exasperation in her voice. I'm guessing this has been going on for a while. "Here. Why don't you use this one? Oh, Carrick, you're back." She looks around and sees me still standing in the hallway. "Gracie, when did you…" She can tell by the fact that we're both still in our coats that we just walked in. She turns to hand Christian the toy and with a loud screech, he grabs it from her hands and throws it across the room. And so it goes.