A/N - Next storyline will be lighter and fluffier. Cassie and Paula are getting married!

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Chapter 35

When the knock came at the door Deeks knew it was her. Somehow, he always knew when she was near. He wasn't sure if he was ready to face her and wondered how she'd found him. The only explanation was that either Laura or Neal had told her. His bet was on Laura.

"What are you doing here Kensi?" he said when he opened the door. She held up his go bag in answer. He almost smiled, recognizing it as the excuse it was. There was nothing in that bag that couldn't have waited until she could give it to him at work on Monday and certainly nothing that was so important she had to make the drive from L.A. to Santa Barbara. He took the bag and put it down by the door but didn't move out of the way, not just yet.

"Can I come in? I have some things to say to you." she said.

"I think you've said enough." he replied quietly, still not moving.

"Actually, no I haven't. I have things I need to tell you, things that you need to hear." With this she pushed him into the house, following him. He let her, tired of fighting her and his own feelings. He was fighting a war within himself to just forgive her immediately. He knew he did that with her too easily. Let her get away with things that he never would have with any other woman. This time though, this time she'd hurt him deep down. He found himself hoping that whatever she had to tell him, would take away this pain.

"Okay, what is it that I need to hear?" he asked with a sigh.

"Deeks, when I was with Jack.." she started.

"I'm not Jack, Kensi! How many times do I need to tell you that?" he interrupted, angry at the same old comparisons.

"I know you're not Jack, Deeks! I never loved Jack the way I love you! I just…I need to explain some things to you. Things I've only just realized myself!" Deeks nodded for her to continue. He was still angry with her but hearing her say she loved him more than Jack had set his heart to racing. He waited for her to go on.

"When Jack and I were engaged, we planned on having children. Back then, the idea made me happy! After he left, things changed. I was afraid to let anyone in, I've told you that. What I didn't realize until the other day is that, it also made me completely shut down the possibility of ever having a family of my own one day. When I saw him again in Afghanistan and found out that he had married, had had children with someone else, it brought back the old feelings of being inadequate, of not being quite good enough for him, or for anyone else."

He reached out and ran his thumb over her cheek, brushing away a tear she hadn't even realized she'd shed. "Jack Simon is lucky it wasn't me who was sent to Afghanistan after him. I would have killed him for what he did to you. He might not have been the White Ghost, but he was your ghost. One I'm tired of competing against." he said sadly.

"Don't you understand? Every day with you exorcises that ghost a little more! After he disappeared, all I was left with was a badly bruised and battered heart. Since the day I met Jason Wyler, you've healed those bruises a little more every day. Each day with you, every morning that I wake up with your arms around me, making me feel safe and protected, every time we make love, it heals a little more. Eventually, all I'll have left are some faded, fond memories of my first love. The rest will be all you! You just have to be a little patient with me for a while longer. I'm trying, I really am! I want so badly for this to work."

She took a deep breath. "You owe me an apology too. You walked out on me. You left me wondering where you were, if you were safe, if you were ever coming back. It feels like every man in my life has left me at some point. Dad, Jack, Dom even Renko."

He shook his head. "Kensi, the only person on that list that deserves to be there is Jack. The rest of them? They didn't leave you because they wanted to, they were taken from you. And you got justice for every one of them. You're right; I do owe you an apology for walking out. It was wrong, even if it hadn't been for your history. You deserve better than that, better than me."

"What? No! Any woman would be lucky to have you. How do I make you understand that I really feel that way?"

He tilted his head at her, evaluating her words. She said "Laura said you told her things about yourself that explained why you reacted the way you did. She told me to make you tell me. She said that if we don't know these kinds of things about each other, then we can never know how our words or actions might be misconstrued. You know everything about me; you need to share everything about you with me. It's the only way we can make this work."

Deeks smiled. "Laura said all that? She's a pretty smart cookie." He turned away and said "She's right but I'm so afraid that it will make you think differently of me. I don't want nor need anyone's pity, but I especially can't handle it from you."

She reached out and took hold of his arm, pulling him around to face her. "There's nothing that you could tell me that would make me pity you. I know the kind of man you are and anything that happened to you in the past? Those things made you this man. One I can trust with my love."

He took a deep breath and told her all the things that he had told Laura and more. Things that made her heart ache for the little boy he once was. She pictured him as a child and felt an overwhelming desire to protect that child. Tears made their way down her cheeks without her even realizing it. When he saw them, he frowned. "I told you I don't need pity, Kensi."

"I don't pity you Deeks. I meant what I said, those things made you into the man you are. I'm just wishing I could have known you then, you must have been an adorable little boy. I'm glad you finally told me these things and I can now understand why you may have taken my words so completely differently than the way I meant them."

She waited nervously and then realized she hadn't told him one more important thing. "Deeks, I went looking for you when I woke up on the plane. I found you asleep with that little baby sleeping so trustingly on your chest and something changed for me. I realized that I would be open to having a little ninja assassin with you, if and when the time is right. To bring a new life into the world that was part me and part you? I think that would make me happy! I know that that baby would be so lucky to have you as his dad. I also know you aren't with me just because it's convenient. I never meant to imply that you weren't a good man."

That smile that turned her to jelly lit up his face. He pulled her into his arms and held on tightly. "Little ninja assassins, huh?" he whispered into her hair. "I can picture them in my mind." He loosened his grip on her and continued. "We need to communicate better; you can't keep letting me think it's one thing we're fighting about when it's actually something completely different! Can you promise me that you'll just tell me what's bothering you from now on? That's the only way I can see this working. If you can't promise that, I don't see a future for us."

She leaned back and smiled up at him, the relief that they were getting past this almost overpowering. "I can promise that I'll try! And, I give you permission to call me on it if you think I'm not. You need to promise me that you'll never again walk away in the middle of a fight. You have to let me know if something I say hurts you."

"I think I can live with that." He kissed her and she put her arms around his neck, pulling him in tighter. He deepened the kiss and started to walk her backwards, towards the bedroom he was using, both of them shedding clothes as they went.

A while later he said, in between pants "Believe the hype!"

"What?" Kensi wasn't sure if she heard him right. She was not exactly grounded yet.

"Make up sex definitely lives up to its billing! I think we should fight more often."

She hit him with her pillow. "I can't believe you just said that!"

He laughed and then sobered. He pulled in her close to him and she rested her head on his chest. "I'm so sorry Princess."

She interrupted him. "You've already apologized for walking away Deeks; you don't have to keep doing it."

"I wasn't apologizing for that, although I am sorry for it. I was apologizing for the fact that the first time I said I love you was during a fight. I should have said it sooner and I wanted to say it first."

She pushed herself up on her elbow and stared down at him. She smiled; glad she could make him feel better about this. "It wasn't the first time you told me you loved me Deeks, it was the third time. And you did say it first."

"Third? I think I would remember telling a woman that I loved her for the first time in my life."

She blinked rapidly. "Did you really just say that you've never told any other woman before me that you loved her?"

He nodded and said "Can we get back to the other two times please?"

She laughed and placed a quick kiss on his lips before continuing "The first time was when you played that song you wrote at the club for us." She paused, drawing it out for effect.

"That doesn't count, Sugar Bear. I didn't say the words to you."

"Oh, it counts! Ask any woman who was in the club that night."

"If you say so. Second time?"

She closed her eyes and remembered the whole scene from the plane. "When I found you asleep with Melanie, I touched you. You opened your eyes but didn't wake up. I told you to go back to sleep and you told me, right then and there, that you loved me. I told you I loved you too."

"I wish I could remember! It sounds like a better memory than the one I have, of both saying it and hearing it for the first time."

"It's something I'll remember for the rest of my life. Something I'll share with our children when they get older."

He reached out and pulled her down for another kiss. "Our children. It has a nice ring to it. We can stay here until Sunday night. Wanna practice making little ninja assassins again?"

She laughed and nodded. Then the laughter stilled as the world tilted once more. She never did get to show him what was in his go bag.