Hey Everyone! I know the holiday is past us already, but I had to write about Christian's first Christmas. The chapter at the end of Fifty Shades Freed gives us some details, so I did use that as a starting point. I just took it from Grace's perspective. Hope everyone is doing well! The count down continues... (I've got my advance tickets!)

How It Happened

Chapter 30- Merry Christmas

Grace

We started decorating for Christmas yesterday. Carrick took the boys outside to put the lights on the house. We were in the living room testing the light strings and explaining about how Christmas is coming and people all over, and us as well, are decorating for fun. El gave us a look like we'd lost our minds; this is nothing new for him. Christian just looked at us with that same stoic expression. Carry let the boys help him in the front yard. They got to do the low bushes, but he sent them back in when he was ready to do the windows. For that he needed to get the ladder out. I'm not sure what Christian would have done with the opportunity, but I'm certain Elliot would have been climbing, falling, and visiting the ER by dinner.

I made some hot cocoa when it got dark, which is getting earlier and earlier, and we watched as Carrick turned on the display, lighting up the whole front of our home and a good portion of the front yard. Elliot let out a loud, excited yell. He's more than ready for the holiday! Christian gasped and had the most adorable gaping-mouthed stare I've ever seen. We're not sure yet if he has any clue about this, but we're trying.

The list we made of our step-by-step approach to Christmas, kind of works from the outside in; lights outside, wall décor, knick-knacks around the house, tree. We thought this may mitigate the impact a bit more. Who knows. We're just grasping at straws here. We did actually discuss this and came up with several ideas; room by room, color by color… We even thought about skipping a good amount of our traditional décor, but then we remembered Dr. Evans' comment about these being Christian's traditions now too, and changed our minds on that one.

Today we brought up several boxes of decorations from the basement. We had to go through them first just to remember what's in them. Every year I say I'm going to mark the contents and every year I just put them away. So today, it's walls…

We let Elliot hang the wreath on the front door. Christian got to help me change the towels in the bathrooms from the everyday designs to more festive ones. Carrick is getting help from El to hang the lighted garland around the sliding glass doors in the dining and family rooms, and I'll get to climb up and tie on the red bows. We asked Christian if he wanted to help, but I think seeing how much Carrick has had to lift Elliot, he is choosing to stay out of this portion of our day. I did let him climb up on the step stool to hang the advent calendar in the kitchen. I also let him open the first window and was immediately faced with Elliot getting jealous. What's always been his; namely the chocolate for each day, now has to be shared with his new younger brother. I thought about getting a second calendar, but then decided they're family. Sharing is part of life. Carry suggested Elliot gets even days and Christian could get the odds, but I think simply cutting the chocolate in half each day will make life easier.

I'm making a mental list of the knick-knack kinds of things and where to put them. The first on my list is my wonderful new animated elf boys! I want to put them some place very special and prominent. I would like them in the family room since that's where Christian and Elliot usually play. Watching them interact together while the animated dolls go up and down on that teeter-totter… As I wipe my eyes, I realize I'm getting way over emotional. I love my boys.

But we'll be putting the tree up in the living room, so maybe the elves would be best put in there. I can't decide if the tree should go in the window, where it can be seen from outside, or in the corner next to the fire place. Looking around the room, I make a command decision and choose the corner. I also decide to put my teeter-totter elves on top of the piano. Everyone will see them there and it's away from small fingers.

Most of the other pieces have their own special places… At least they always have. Maybe this year they can go wherever the boys decide to put them. I really don't care if they get put on the bookshelves, or on the dining room buffet. It will be more about what they are and where they came from.

"Grace," my planning gets interrupted by my husband. "I was just looking through one of the boxes and Sweetheart, I know we're supposed to talk about these with Christian, but I'm not sure where half this crap came from." He must see the shocked and hurt expression on my face, because he begins to back pedal rather quickly. "I mean… I didn't mean 'crap' crap, I just meant the stuff… the pieces, there's a lot them Baby…"

"What if I told you some were gifts from my closest friends?" He looks a bit shocked. "Or that quite a few of them were items left to me by my grandmother?" Wow. Not sure I've ever seen Carrick go that long without blinking. I guess I better let him off the hook. I let out a soft chuckle as I admit that almost everything in those boxes was bought just because I saw them and I liked them. "However, the green Santa in the lab coat, was an eighteenth birthday present from my aunt."

"Nice one, Doctor. You had me there for a moment. But while we're on the subject, where's the Nativity scene? Not the one we usually use. I mean the porcelain one we got for our wedding from my parents? I was thinking we should start with that particular item, since really, there's a bigger reason we're doing all this besides fun and Santa Claus. And I'd like to use that one for a change."

I'm a little taken back at his comment. I mean, we attend church on Sunday and have sent Elliot to Sunday school classes and Bible school in the summer, however, Carrick has never been the over-zealous religious type. "Um, you're assuming I know what's in any of those boxes. If it's not in the one you opened it must be in one of the other one, I would guess."

"No, it was in its own box, remember? Maybe it got put up in the attic…"

We start with the Nativity scene. As we pull out each item, we talk about it with the boys. I let Carrick take the lead on this one as it was his brain child. I'm kind of in awe and even feeling a bit pulled in my heart listening to him talk about who Jesus was, who Mary and Joseph were, why there is an angel, why there are shepherds and kings… By the time it's all set up on the fireplace mantle, even Elliot is quiet and pensive. "But we're going to put Jesus back here," he says as he moves that particular piece behind a couple books on the shelf nearby. "Since this is the advent season, and we're waiting for His birth, we'll wait to put him in the scene until Christmas morning."

This is not how we did things when I was a child, but it was how it was done in Carrick's home. We've done it this way since we got married, so this is nothing new to Elliot. However, we are not prepared for Christian's response. He gets almost panicked and runs to the book shelf reaching up to the spot where Carrick put the small statue. My older son is the first to react. "Christian! Would you quit whinin'?" I can tell Elliot's patience with his new brother is wearing thin. Either that or he's still peeved about sharing the chocolate.

"What's the problem Little Man?" Carrick asks, but it's evident Christian is not worried about his big brother or his daddy right now. He's focused and worried about the baby. Oh my…

"Carrick… Carrick get it down for him please." My husband looks at me with frustration, but I know what's happening. My husband just hasn't figured it out yet. "Carry, please? Please get the baby down… so he can stay with his mommy…" I'm giving him probably, the most intense look I ever have, hoping he'll understand and I won't have to explain it in front of the boys. "You know. The baby and the mommy need to be together…" For crying out loud! Hint! Hint! Carrick!

"Yeah, Dad. I never got it why we hid Jesus and he didn't get to be with his parents either." Carrick is looking at me and Elliot and I can tell he's still missing the point. But Christian is visibly upset and reaching up to the shelf. When Carrick looks at him, it finally hits.

"Oh no," he looks at me. "I didn't even…" I'm trying to let him know that it's alright, but let's not spill it all out there. "Right. You're right, El," he continues reaching to get the baby and hands it to Christian. "Little boys need their mommies." Our younger sons lets out a relieved breath. Then we all walk over the mantle and Carrick offers to lift Christian to put Jesus in the scene. He quickly refuses and hands it back to his father. "There we go. All set now. Better?" Christian gives his floppy haired nod and another deep sigh. This is tougher than we thought.

After a while, the rest of our décor is set up and the house looks festive. I told the boys about my green Santa; the gift from my aunt, who was celebrating my acceptance to college and my first steps toward being a doctor. We talked about why we put reindeer on the dining room buffet, angels on the coffee table, and candles in the windows. Elliot asked if we could light the actual candles we put out. We actually never really did before, but decide this would be a good idea, so we do. The house looks magical and smells delicious! But Carrick insists they get put out after about an hour. I know he doesn't trust Elliot with open flames, and we're not really sure what Christian would do with them.

Throughout this whole decorating time, he's just looked at me when I explained the pieces and put them where he was told. As the house has changed in front of his eyes, he's also gotten a bit more unsure and clingy. A few times, Christian has looked over at Elliot who is getting more and more excited as more and more pieces are placed. He's grabbed my sweater or sleeve and almost hidden behind my legs. I can tell he's confused. I think he thinks he should be excited too, but he really doesn't know why.

As much as we've tried to focus on our family traditions, these last few weeks leading up to the holiday have had their fair share of new experiences, as well. We took the boys to Hudson's downtown to see Santa. We've taken Elliot every year, so this is as much a family tradition as any other. We were sure Christian would want nothing to do with him, but of course Elliot completely believes the whole thing and only taking him would be... wrong. Besides, even if Christian doesn't want to sit on Santa's lap, we thought he would enjoy the whole Christmas wonderland you walk though as you wait in line. While Elliot just kept telling us what he was going to tell Santa, I watched Christian's reaction to it all. He did take in the sights and music… Of course he didn't say anything, but the look in his eye was one of... well, it was positive. A little surprise and confusion, a tight grip on my hand and even my jacket, but definitely positive. There were so many little scenes from the North Pole, as well as those animated dolls… Raccoons, bunnies, even reindeer and elves… None as wonderful as mine, but still highly enjoyable.

When we got to the head of the line, Elliot was so excited to climb up on Santa's lap and tell him everything; what he wanted this year, how he's been really good, how his brother doesn't talk yet so he's asking for him… "I don't know what he wants 'cause he never talks, but I know he likes hel-lil-copters and airplanes and stuff like that. Oh, he likes cars too so maybe you can get him some more so he won't take all mine. We fight about them… Wait! But not all the time! And only 'cause he's still learnin' how to share and stuff. But don't remember the part about the fighting, OK? We have some tough times sometimes 'cause Mom says we're still 'justing to Christian bein' my brother." Carrick and I had to hide our laughter, it was so adorable.

We watched as Elliot whispered something to Santa, then was ready for the photo. Since Christian wouldn't go up to see him alone, Carrick and I had to join both boys in this year's picture. At first I was disappointed, but in hind-sight, it just makes the picture that much more memorable.

As Carrick took the boys' hands and headed out, Santa waved me over. I was a bit taken back, but then he told me what Elliot whispered to him. "Ma'am, he asked if I'd help Christian talk soon. He said he thought that might make things easier. Just thought you should know." I nodded and thanked him, but had to quickly try to hide my emotions as I caught up with Carry.

Once Elliot visits with Santa, it always makes home a little easier. It allows us to do what every other parent does during the month of December; blackmail. When Elliot refuses to pick up his clothes, or finish his vegetable, we just remind him that Santa knows, and 'poof' problem solved. It hasn't been as easy with Christian. The whole 'Santa' concept was a bit beyond his comprehension. After a few evenings of holiday stories before bedtime, he seemed to understand that this 'Santa' guy has something to do with being good and presents. But while Elliot is trying very hard to behave, Christian will look at me with an expression akin to… well, the closest thing I can think of, is worry.

Emotionally? Dr. Evans was absolutely correct on this one, that's for sure. I remembered Elliot being emotional last year, but now with Christian around driving him nuts, it's way over the top. Elliot is not afraid to tell his brother how he feels anymore, so what starts out as frustration over sharing toys or who sits on which side of Mommy for a story, will escalate to anger then decline quickly into kicking and swinging fists. We had to separate them again just the other day, before one of them ended up with a black eye. Carrick even resorted to picking up the phone, calling the time recording and telling 'Santa Claus' what the Grey boys were up to. This sent Elliot into hysterics. He started crying and pulling on Carrick's pant legs, which started Christian screeching and pounding on the table. All of this hit a crescendo of Carrick taking them by the hands and marching them upstairs. Both boys were sent to bed early and Carrick came back to pour himself a drink.

I figured putting up the Christmas tree would probably be the most exciting for all of us. It seems to make the holiday more real, once the tree is up and lit. I had to take Christian out during the afternoon to get one. Since the evenings have been bitter cold, too cold to have the boys out, and it gets dark about five thirty now, Carrick and I thought it was the best idea. We were afraid Elliot would put up a fuss, but he was so excited that there was a tree when he got home from school, he didn't even care. Christian was having a particularly unsettled day today, so I let him keep his blanket with him as we went out. I decided to take the camera with me so Carrick could see his reactions to Christmas tree shopping. I got several wonderful images; in some he's got his neck craned back to see the top of the tree. In others, he's touching the needles, like he's never felt anything like them before. Maybe he hasn't. Not too many pine trees growing in downtown Detroit. I think my favorite is when he squatted down to look up from underneath. He was just so fixated on what these trees were and how they look and feel… I never stopped to think about it before. This moment with him gave me a whole new outlook on Christmas trees.

At home, I put on some Christmas music for our evening of decorating. When Carrick brought Elliot home, he noted the blanket in Christian's arms. I got a look, but he didn't say anything. I know he'd rather it was left upstairs, but Dr. Evans suggested we let him have it if he needs it. Today, although we're not sure exactly why, he needs it, so we're letting him hold it.

He has run back and forth across the living room, looking at the tree from every angle. He even tried climbing on the furniture. I guess he wanted a higher perspective… As much as I want him to explore, we told him he had to get his feet off the sofa. Elliot wasted no time and began to dig right in to the ornaments. We put the family ornament on first, then the adoption ones from Bronner's. After that we just had a good time decorating and talking about all the different items we were hanging on the limbs. We did get Christian to hang the piano one, and a few others himself, but mostly he just continued to hurry around the tree, looking, touching, backing away…

I know Carry took several more pictures as the evening went on. I took one of him holding Elliot up to put on the star. Christian watched his father and brother with awe, and even a slight look of longing. But when Carrick asked him if he wanted him to hold him up to see the star, he quickly tightened his grip in the blanket and shook his head. When we were finally done, I sat the boys in front of the tree for one more photo. It was hard to get Christian to look at the camera. He'd look up at us, turn around and point, as if maybe we'd missed this giant green tree in the corner of the living room.

It's early afternoon on Christmas Eve, and I'm in the kitchen making cookies with the boys. I'm doing most of the grunt work. Their job is the decorating. But mostly, it's just been slapping on icing and enough sprinkles to choke a horse. I've had to remind Elliot that these are for later when the family comes over and we'll be leaving out a few for Santa. My older son has decided he gets to eat the broken ones and I'm sure I've never quite broken as many as just this afternoon! My younger son seems much more interested in playing with the icing, as there's a big smear of it in front of him. He's pretty much finger painting on the table top.

"Hey Boys!" I hear my husband yell from the door. "Oh, you're all right here," he adds when he sees we're all in the kitchen and his yelling was really unnecessary. "I got these for you two today and we need to put them up!" Elliot runs to his father to see what new thing he's getting. Christian is holding back and I feel him scoot a little closer to me. He's had a few more clingy moments and seems to have taken a couple steps backwards where his father is concerned. But I don't let him avoid Carrick for too long. I think it's unhealthy. "Come on, Christian. I have one for you too!"

I see what my husband has and help the boys wash their hands before we let them touch. "Oh, Wow!" I hear Elliot's excitement over a new Christmas stocking. "It's so big!" It is, in fact, a bit bigger than the one he had before and much more decorative; hand stitched needlepoint, with a whole fireplace and decorated tree scene. "And it says my name!" His other one did too, but not in gold embroidery. Then Carrick hands Christian his. It is also needlepoint, but has a picture of Santa Claus putting presents by a tree. And of course, his says Christian across the top. "Oh, cool! I like that one too, Christian!" Elliot's excitement is almost infectious.

"Well? Come on you two, let's go hang them up!" I think Carrick's excitement is slightly more than El's. Christian looks up at me totally confused. He's holding the stocking with both hands, out away from his body, having no idea what it is, what it's for, or any idea why we're all excited about it. "Christian?" Carrick continues. "Come on, Little Man. We need to hang them up by the fireplace." I quickly wipe my hands and lead Christian to the living room. Elliot's is already being hung on the small hook under the mantle. "And we'll put Christian's on the left side over here!" Carrick reaches to take it from him which seems perfectly fine with Christian. "Now, tonight while you're asleep, Santa will come and fill these with lots of goodies for our two good little boys…" Elliot is jumping up and down, full of excitement. Christian is standing partly behind me, pulling on the back of my sweatshirt. I can feel he's still unsure about what this is all about.

We go to the early Christmas Eve service at church, as we've done the past four years. It's specifically designed for the children, and much easier to handle with Elliot, and now Christian, than a more formal candle light service. Although, I do miss that sometimes. Once we get home, my parents and Carrick's cousin come over for dinner. It's not too fancy, as that will be tomorrow, but it's fun and enjoyable. After dinner, we sit in the living room and I play a few carols on the piano. Aside from eating, it's obvious, this is Christian's favorite moment of the day. Elliot is stomping around to the music and Carrick is trying to hold a tune, but Christian is right by my side watching as I play. I see him wiggle his fingers like he's trying to mimic my moves, so I let him have his turn. I'd think at this age it would just be noise, but he's definitely got a musical ear. I mean, it's not anything you'd recognize, but someday… It's such a joy to my heart to watch him.

After about an hour, Carrick and I exchange the look, and it's time to head the boys upstairs. "OK, boys. It's about time you're off to bed. Santa can only bring toys for good boys who are asleep." Elliot, for the only time of the year, is running up the stairs. Christian, however, is not moving. He's looking at me with those intense gray eyes.

"Darling, let's head upstairs with your brother." I reach out for him to take my hand, but he won't move. He's just looking at me with an expression of…sorrow. I'm used to seeing fear before bed, but this one's kind of new. "Darling, come on now. It will be alright." I continue to talk to him as I move slowly to take his hand. "We'll put on the music you like, and I can lay down with you, if you need me to." He's letting me hold his hand and has started walking, but the closer we get to his room, the more sorrowful he looks. It's breaking my heart! This, of all nights, should be joyous.

It's slow going. We head up the stairs and the grip on my hand is getting tighter. Once he's finally into his pajamas, and under the covers, I start the music and Carrick brings in Elliot so we can read the Christmas story and The Night Before Christmas. Christian sees is brother's exuberance and I can tell he wants to be part of it, but just can't.

"So, you two," Carrick begins. "Right to sleep now." He bends down to kiss Christian's head. He stays with Christian so I can have a few moments with Elliot, and tuck him in. Then I'm back in Christian's room and Carrick heads over to Elliot. This has become the norm. We don't like leaving Christian alone at bedtime. It's not helpful for him, or any of us.

The lights are turned out, the music is on, and Christian's holding his blanket tightly in his left hand, while he's got a death grip on my fingers with his right. Most of this is our usual pattern, except the death grip part. He hasn't done that as much lately, so I'm not sure what that's about tonight. He scoots a little closer to lay near my hair. He likes to smell it for some reason. It calms him. Whatever it takes…

I try whispering to him about tomorrow morning; "Christmas morning is going to be magical, Darling. Santa will come tonight…" then I feel the tension increase, his breathing become more rapid, and I even hear a few muffled whimpering sounds. Hmm. Maybe the whole Santa thing is worrying him. I guess it's not unusual for young children to be afraid of Santa. OK, I'll leave that one out. "There will be presents for you in your stocking and under the tree…" He's still tense. Maybe I should just let it go. "Shhhh. I'm right here. You have your blanket. It's time to sleep now…. Shhhhh." I touch his head and although he's not completely relaxed, he's breathing easier. "Listen to the music, Darling. Just listen to the music…"

Christmas morning arrives, very welcomed after three nightmares. We've got that process down to almost a science now, but it's still heart wrenching when it happens. Not to mention, being yanked out of deep sleep to your son's screams. But this morning, the house is full of joy. Well, it's full of Elliot yelling 'It's Christmas! It's Christmas! Wake up!' which is pretty close.

When I was a child, we'd just run downstairs and start playing. Since Santa didn't ever wrap presents, everything was always ready to go. About an hour later, we'd wake Mom and Dad. But since Elliot's been an only child for so long, and we waited so long just to get him, we've always made Christmas morning a whole family moment. I hear him yell again, "C'mon Christian! Let's go!" We've grabbed our robes and as we meet up with the boys, it's evident Christian has no clue why Elliot is yelling so early in the morning. He lets out a deep sigh, and looks up at me like 'Mother, would you do something about him, please?' I hear Carrick laugh at his expression. I'm sure he's thinking the same thing I am.

Elliot proceeds us down the stairs- at lightning speed- and we hear him as he first sees the whole display. "WHOA! This is awesome!" His excitement reverberates through the living room. I get excited for him, but then feel Christian pull back on my robe. When I look down, he has that worried expression again. "C'mon Christian," we hear Elliot again. "This one's yours!" As we enter the room, Elliot holds out a shiny new police car with flashing lights, for his little brother.

Christian has stopped dead in his tracks. He's looking at me and then at Carrick with complete shock and confusion. "Go on, Little Man. He said, that one's for you!" Carrick nods toward the gift Elliot is holding and slowly, Christian lets go of me to walk over to that new toy. Elliot pretty much shoves it in his brother's hands and reaches for another gift with his own name on it.

The rest of the morning is magical… just as it ought to be. Christian is amazed that there are presents for him. I assumed he'd never had an experience like this before, but to see him today is incredible and heartwarming. Just like they should, our boys are running around with their new toys, shoving them in our faces so we can see what Santa brought. There's wrapping paper everywhere since Elliot could care less about saving the paper, and his younger brother has learned from him; just rip it and jump up and down. A few times, they were jumping and hadn't even looked to see what the gift actually was!

After all the Santa toys are played with, and the family packages are opened, I head into the kitchen to make breakfast. I can hear Carrick still playing with the boys. I think this is the year of the noisy toys. Everything we got them seems to be loud and noisy. What were we thinking? Elliot did stop with those toys for a while to build with his latest Lego set. But Christian? Nope. I can hear that helicopter from the kitchen! I can hear it flying across the living room, into the family room, down the hall and now, here it comes, into the kitchen. Carrick is following him since he's got the remote control. Personally, I thought this was a bit too advanced for four years old, but now I get it. Carrick wanted to play with it!

It's amazing that Christmas is winding down. We had a wonderful formal dinner, much to Elliot's dismay. He was not in the best of spirits when he had to dress up for dinner. Christian handled it well, but I don't think he's overly excited about his new clothes. He kept pulling on his sweater. Not so much due to being nervous. I think it was just itchy.

Right now both boys are sitting with us and it's evident the excitement of the day has taken its toll. We're hearing yawning from both of them and their eyes are barely opened. As we walk them up the stairs, Elliot isn't even complaining and Christian almost looks relieved. He's holding my hand and that helicopter. I'm going to have to draw the line if he wants to sleep with it.

We get them both tucked in and say good night. Carrick and I head back down to the living room to look at the tree. "We've actually got a few quiet moments to ourselves," he whispers to me. "I think this is a first, since the holiday season started." I chuckle and have to agree. Actually, I think these are the first calm and quiet moments since Christian first came into the hospital. "Are you up for a little sledding tomorrow? I told Elliot we could go. Break in those new sleds we got them." I tell him I think I can manage that. It sounds fun.

We continue some quiet conversation, and eventually head up to our own beds, stopping to check on the boys first. They look so angelic when they sleep. Carrick has to move Elliot so his head is on the pillow and his feet are actually on the bed. Even Christian is sound asleep. I don't know how much longer that will last, but maybe the excitement of the day has wiped him out enough that he'll sleep without any nightmares… Christmas miracle maybe? I can only hope…