Hey Readers! I've been working on this chapter for a little while now, but it was getting long and you've been wanting an update. So, I cut it in half (as of right now) so you can have something to read. The sencond part should be done this weekend. Thanks for being so loyal!
How It Happened
Chapter 31- As Time Passes
Grace
True to his word, Carrick took all of us sledding the day after Christmas. There's a decent sized hill on a golf course we like to go to in the winter. It's fast and fun, but not too scary for little boys.
When we packed them and their sleds into the car, it dawned on me that Christian probably had never done this either. Sure enough, when I asked him, I got that questioned expression we've seen so often now. I let Elliot talk about the whole idea of sledding and at the mention of "going sooooo fast!" I could actually see Christian look excited about the idea.
When we got to the top of the hill, Elliot's bravery took a slight step back. He decided he wanted to go down with Daddy one time first. But Christian was ready to go! He watched several other children go down on their own sleds and quickly figured out what he was supposed to do. I put his sled down and didn't even get it out of my hands before he was sitting in it trying to scoot himself to the edge. I gave the sled a slight push and down he went! Immediately I thought I should have gone with him as my four year old was now by himself at the bottom of the hill. But Carry and El went right after, so my heart relaxed a bit.
I suppose the extra weight in Elliot's sled helped his to slide a ways beyond where Christian's did, which didn't sit too well with him. While I couldn't see his face, I could tell by his body language he did not like Elliot passing him. I watched as he tried scooting along the snow to get his to go just as far; not quite understanding the need for a downward slope. But Carry got to him quickly and what looked like an incident that could become a brotherly battle, was quickly thwarted. Then the three of them headed back up the hill.
"Elliot, where are you going? Not that way, son. You'll get run down by another sled. Out of the way, Buddy!" That child is so rough and tumble, I sometimes wonder how we're going to keep him all in one piece before he turns eighteen. Christian seemed determined to head back up the hill on his own, sled in tow, but it became too much and Carrick had to hold both sleds while the boys hiked themselves back up.
I watched as our children quickly got themselves settled and zoomed down the hill again. Carrick and Elliot chose to go down the bumpier part of the hill, and were sent flying off the sled. Thankfully Elliot landed in some fresh snow and I could hear his laugh from below telling me all was well. Christian is less about the bumpy ride and more about the speed and distance. So as they continue to climb back up and head on down, I'm finding myself keeping watch on both sections to be sure they are OK. Carrick has stayed at the bottom, to be sure there would be an adult with them when they reached it.
After a few more rides down the hill, we were able to get Christian to ride with Elliot. He wasn't exactly comfortable about being in the same sled at first and certainly not having his big brother so close to his body. When El tried to reach around him to hold on, Christian immediately got up and out of the sled. His shaking head and worried eyes told us very clearly he was not comfortable with this idea and this was not happening. However, when Elliot sat in front and Christian held on to him, it was do-able. They did one bumpy run and then one fast and smooth, which allowed me to get a few pictures of them together. Other than those, I really didn't get many. It was too hard to keep track of them both and shoot photos at the same time.
We tried to get Christian to ride with one of us, but he refused to sit on our laps. Maybe he'll be more comfortable with that next year. Carrick wanted to do a run with me, and actually, I thought that would be pretty fun. But then who'd be keeping an eye on the boys? So Carrick's quick thinking kicked in and we got the boys on one sled together one more time. He grabbed me and pulled us both onto the other.
"Wanna' race, boys?" Carrick's excitement was infectious, and apparently, Christian is quite competitive. He started scooting and hitting Elliot's shoulder to get moving. We all went down together and it was exhilarating! Carry and I were just a bit faster and easily pulled ahead. Apparently, we were also too much for that little sled, and wiped out right before we reached the bottom. We felt, more than saw, the boys fly right past us, which of course meant they won. Thank god. As much as I want them to know that no one wins every time, I really didn't want a four-year-old temper tantrum over a sled race, today.
The sledding went on for a while, as this year's snowfall has been Michigan typical, but the temperature really isn't so bad. Although, when it's twenty nine degrees outside, and the wind is blowing, it can feel rather cold pretty quickly. And hiking back up the hill over and over wears out little legs rather fast. When we decided to pack it up, it wasn't really a surprise that both boys were asleep before we made it home.
When December 31st arrived, we decided not to do our traditional New Year's Eve night out. Rather, we planned to enjoy ringing in the New Year with our son. We told Elliot we'd wake him up to bang on the big pot at midnight. We thought we'd just let Christian sleep through it this year, but his brother woke him before we could tell him otherwise, which meant we were celebrating with both sons. It was funny though, since Christian had no idea what was going on or why we were all going out on the front porch in pajamas. When Elliot started banging on that pot, Christian just covered his ears and gave his big brother a look like he was out of his mind! Carrick laughed out loud when he gave us the look clearly asking 'Um, do you two see what he's doing right now?' complete with repeated pointing as if we were missing this insane activity in the middle of the night.
"Happy New Year, Christian!" Carrick shouted. "Do you hear all that?" He gestured out into the air and we all took a moment to listen to the shouting, horns, and even a few fire crackers popping in the distance. To us, it sounded like a moment of joy and promise, as our neighbors and friends all greeted the New Year with excitement! But it turns out the loud voices and exploding fireworks were far from positive for Christian. He got visibly upset and scared, frantically trying to open the door.
I went back inside with him, and he practically ran upstairs to his room. He climbed desperately onto his bed and grabbing his blanket tightly, began to rock back and forth with his face hidden in it. This was a fear we hadn't seen for a while, and the whole situation happened so quickly, it took just me off guard.
"Darling? You're OK…. You're OK." I had reached my hand to gently rub his leg. He'd let me do that a few times now. But tonight was not going to be one of those nights. He jerked away from my touch and curled further into himself. I sat on his bed and when I had a breath to collect my thoughts, I realized what the problem here was, most likely. It dawned on me that while we live in a nice, safe and relatively quiet area in Detroit, there are many other parts of town far less so. I'm sure those loud voices and maybe even the exploding fire crackers, were triggering some bad memories.
"Sweetheart, let's lie down now, alright?" I put on some soft music and tried to get him to relax a little. Just then Carrick and Elliot came in, Carrick expressing his concern about the situation. Elliot wanted to climb into the bed too. With me already there, the twin sized mattress left no real room, so Carry just held him on his lap. Christian wanted to lay down, but all of us in here like this is unusual, and I could tell he was feeling on edge. He was sort of half laying and leaning on his elbow.
I mouthed to Carrick that he was afraid of the noises outside. I got a nod of comprehension before he told the boys our celebrating was done now and it was too late for them to stay up even one minute more. I gave Elliot a hug and a kiss and then chuckled as Carrick flung him over his shoulder fireman style. This made Elliot laugh and even got a small smile from Christian. Elliot waved to us as Carrick carried him like a sack, back to his own room.
"Time to sleep, Darling. Are you feeling a little better, now? All the noises are gone." Christian laid his head on the pillow and yawned quietly. He snuggled close to my hair, as is his usual way. I could feel him take a deep breath and the tension was less than earlier. We both listened to the music and dozed off.
I awoke about an hour later, climbed out of Christian's bed and into my own. Silently, Carrick reached over to wrap me in his arms and kiss my temple. I did get a little more sleep before being jolted awake by a shrieking scream from down the hall. After how the New Year celebrating upset him, it makes sense he'd have a nightmare. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it's never easy to hear that from you child.
Elliot
It's January now and it's my birthday in four days and I'm gonna' have a party with my friends and we're gonna' go to the bowling alley and go bowling and have hot dogs there and have cake there and even ice cream there and they have video games and I'm gonna' play Pac-Man and Christian is gonna' be there too but I don't know if he'll wanna' go bowling 'cause it gets loud and stuff but it's real fun, I think, 'cause I never been bowling but it's inside so Mom said it's a good idea for my birthday party!
Carrick
Whose brilliant idea was it to take eight seven-year-old boys to a bowling alley!? I can barely get my own son to put on shoes and now I have to deal with eight of them? Is this even sanitary? How many people have worn these things? I know they spray them with some supposed sterilizing concoction but really, it could just be that non-stick cooking spray for all I know. Now we have to find balls they can not only lift, but actually throw too? This is nuts.
Why is it so loud in here? And I'm not referring to the crashing of bowling balls knocking down pins because actually hitting some is not an issue our troop of bowlers is having today. For once I'm thankful Christian is not talking. I'm not sure I could handle one more little boy screaming or crying at a gutter ball. Actually, he's stopped playing this game. Fine with me. He's quietly playing by himself with his cars under the seats. You can stay right where you are Little Man. Amazingly, you're the easiest boy with us today!
Grace left me alone with all the little buggers to go get someone for something. What am I supposed to do now? Elliot's pulling on my sleeve to get candy, three of his friends are wanting to play that video game machine, and I'm watching two other little sprites up at the ball racks trying to see who can lift the heaviest ball. One of them is going to get hurt if I don't… Thankfully, Grace returns pretty quickly with one of the employees and he works his magic on the lanes. So now the gutters are blocked and the boys cannot miss. Genius! And we are back in bowling business.
Wait… How do you score this game? One point for each pin, then ten for a strike, and is it nine for a spare? What is a spare again? I didn't know how good I had it when no one was knocking very many pins down. Oh boy…. "Hey El! Great job, Buddy! How many was that?" He tells me it was eight. Do I add that now or after the next ball? And why am I the one who got stuck scoring this wacked out game? Oh yeah, because Grace is in the back setting up the tables and getting ready for the celebration part. Please tell me that's coming very soon!
Grace
So we've made it through another birthday party. Carrick's thoughts on the bowling alley were pretty much "never again." As he put it, we're not really the bowling kind of people. He was raised on fishing trips, hiking and tennis courts. And my family spent our time on and in the water. It's just not something we know.
He told me next year we either need to go to some indoor swimming pool or to one of those pizza places with the indoor playgrounds. Then all we have to do is sit back and let the boys do their thing! After this year, I'm OK with that idea. Cake crumbs all over the tables, punch and melted ice cream spilling on the floor, two of Elliot's friends were throwing hot dog buns at each other, gift wrapping torn to shreds and thrown around the room… By the time we got home, Carrick and I were ready to take a nap! But it seemed like the boys all had a good time.
Elliot was so excited to spend the day with his friends, as he should be. Christian spent most of the day by himself. The two of them seem so close at home, yet I've noticed that when Elliot's friends are around, it's like they don't even acknowledge each other. Christian didn't take too well to the bowling and didn't seem to want to be involved with the other boys at all. Elliot didn't even act like he wanted to include his little brother, or even that he remembered he was there. I guess that's what happens when your friends are with you; your little brother becomes persona non grata. It was just kind of sad to witness.
By the end of the February, we seem to be more in a groove at home. With the holidays and Elliot's birthday behind us, we have pretty much moved back into a predictable schedule. This has really helped Christian get into the groove of our home. We created a daily schedule, at Dr. Evans' suggestion, and it's posted all over the house; kitchen, his bedroom, family room, game room, and by each door. That way, pretty much anywhere we are, we can show him what's happening next. She gave us the idea to use address labels and make stickers for all of our weekly activities. Whether it's eating meals, leaving for appointments and activities, returning from them, or how much time until bedtime, he knows what's happening when. Since Elliot is learning to tell time, Carrick thought we should include pictures of clocks with the times. Both boys use the schedule actually and they both compare what the clock looks like at the moment to what it should look like when the activity happens. We had Christian help us make the schedule sheets which went over pretty well. We did have to add Elliot's name to the top along with Christian's, since about the third day, he got mad when his older brother was looking at it too. But Christian seems much more at ease when he knows what to expect. He still keeps us on our toes, as his moods can still switch on a dime, but we're all dealing with this the best we can.
We did talk with Dr. Evans about Elliot's possible need to talk out his thoughts and confusions regarding his new brother. She recommended someone (not herself as she thought that may not be the best idea), and he has seen a counselor several times now. It has seemed to help him in day-to-day dealings with Christian. He told us about several coping skills he learned to use when Christian gets angry or tries to hit him. One of those is to simply get up and leave the room. He was surprised by this idea, as it never occurred to him that he could just leave. He thought since he had a new brother he had to play with him. Being given permission to not play with him, seemed to take a big load off Elliot.
I guess maybe he thought that's what big brothers had to do? I don't know. Maybe since he initially met Christian under the frame of 'someone who needs a friend' he thought they had to stay together now? It pains me to think I might have said something to create this misconception in his little mind. Anyway, he's been using that one a lot lately. In a way, it's been pretty powerful, since Christian can't get anything for his efforts if there's no one to take them out on. When Elliot leaves, Christian usually fusses for a few minutes but then stops. Usually he will just continue playing alone, but a few times now, I've seen him go upstairs to look for his brother. So, it seems to be working, I think.
On the other hand, I fear it will create a divide between them. I can already see it when Elliot is with his other friends. I'm just afraid if Elliot continues to leave his brother alone it may negatively impact Christian's abandonment issues, and what if they continue to stay separate from each other? What if that space between them gets bigger over time? So I try to focus on the positive play between them. They really do seem to do well together, and do seem to enjoy playing together. It's only when Christian starts to get angry and lash out that Elliot needs that strategy. And thinking about it, that predictable schedule seems to be keeping this issue down a bit. I guess we all just need some more time.