Will stepped off the elevator at Sonny's apartment building. He took a few deep breaths as he walked down the hall. He was extremely nervous and his stomach was churning. He actually felt as if he may vomit. "Come on Will, get it together…" he muttered under his breath, "You have to get this behind you before you can move forward with Paul." He said continuing his little pep talk to himself. He hurried on down the hall to the door, knocking quickly before he chickened out and went back to the elevator.
It was only a second before the door was wrenched open and Sonny stood there looking as nervous as Will felt. "Hey." He croaked, before clearing his throat, "Come on in." he offered, stepping aside so that Will could enter.
Will smiled nervously and walked in. He looked around, taking in the apartment. From the way Abigail had talked Sonny was not really taking care of himself and Will honestly had expected to find a mess. There were stacks of unopened mail piled on the table by the door, a few pieces of clothes scattered here and there, but otherwise everything looked pretty normal.
"Have a seat." Sonny said, taking the clothes off the end of the couch and tossing them into the basket sitting in the corner. "I was going to clean up this morning, but I over slept... Once I finally fell asleep." He said apologetically.
"No Problem." Will said,"My apartment is always in a mess, thanks to Arianna. I didn't realize that you needed so much stuff to take care of a baby… then a toddler." He rambled nervously.
"You want something to drink?" Sonny asked. "I have beer, water, Gatorade ... Or I think I have some whiskey."
"Water is fine." Will said.
"Right." Sonny said. He went to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water for Will. He went back to the living room and handed it to Will.
Will took it from him, he opened it and took a small sip. He was trying to think of the best way to begin. He didn't know what to say first… "Sonny.. I think" he began.
"Actually Will... I need to go first." Sonny rushed out."If you don't mind." He said, looking at Will warily before he stood up and started pacing. "There is so much that I want to say." He turned to look at Will. "So much that I should have said months ago."
Will nodded silently, indicating that he should go ahead and go first.
Sonny shoved his hand through his already disheveled hair. "Will... I..." He stopped and sat down on the couch near Will, twisting so that he was facing him. He reached out to touch him, but stilled his hands when he saw Will tense up. He supposed he deserved that, and dropped his hands back into his own lap.
"Will... I" he stopped again, trying to get the things he wanted to say in order in his head. "I don't think you should be with Paul." He blurted out, looking at Will carefully.
Will's eyes widened. "Are you serious right now... That's all you have to say to me?" He said. "And to be honest I'm a little confused about why you think you have a say in who I am with, because you don't... Not at all, you gave up that right a long time ago." His voice rose with anger.
"I care about you Will... I never stopped." Sonny said sighing. Why was it soo hard to say what he needed to say. Why couldn't he make it come out right?
"You sure as hell have a funny way of showing it." Will said angrily, "You ignored me for months, even went out of your way to avoid me..."
"I know and I'm sorry that I did that to you, I should have been an adult about it and talked to you... But I didn't do that and that's on me." Sonny said sadly. "I know now that I should have waited after we broke up, given myself some time to figure out what I really wanted... Honestly, I never should have jumped headfirst into my relationship with Brian."
"No you shouldn't have." Will agreed, "I begged you for a second chance... I pleaded with you to just let me explain, and you wouldn't listen to me, you wouldn't give me a chance to say anything." He said sadly.
"I wish I would have." Sonny said. "You don't know how many times in the past few weeks, that I have wished I had stopped to listen to you, I wish that I could go back and take back every single moment that I walked away from you."
"These past few weeks?" Will said skeptically, "What you mean is since I have been with Paul…. Right?" Will asked angrily.
"Yes." Sonny answered honestly.
"You don't get to do this." Will said. "You don't get to play with my emotions now... Just because there is someone else in my life that is showing some interest in me. Someone that I can actually see myself with."
"That's not it." Sonny said. "I should have told you all of this a long time ago."
"Then why didn't you?" Will asked him.
"Because I was trying to do the right thing." Sonny wailed. "I didn't want to hurt Brian... He didn't... He doesn't deserve any of this."
Will stared at him incredulously, not believing what he was hearing right now... "You didn't want to hurt Brian?" He asked. "But you didn't give a damn about hurting me, is that it?" Will shrieked at him. "Well yeah of course I totally agree with you Brian is the completely innocent party right... He wasn't constantly waiting in the wings, dropping hints that he wanted you, that he would do anything to get you. He was always there ready to swoop down on you the second that I made a mistake, and that's exactly what he did. You can say what you want, but he orchestrated your relationship; he manipulated you, and made sure that you would never come back to me. And YOU allowed that to happen…. So yeah, you're right you should definitely make protecting his feelings your top priority." Will ranted bitterly… anger was practically radiating out of him.
"That's not even what I said, you are twisting my words, and Brian didn't do anything but support me through our break up….." Sonny said getting angry too. "We broke up, because YOU HURT ME, Will... Do you understand that?"
"Do you think I don't know that?" Will asked. "Do you think for one minute that I wouldn't go back and change the way I handled that situation if I could? That I wouldn't tell you the truth if I had a second chance. I know it was MY fault, Alone, I was the one that FUCKED UP…."
"Would you really change things , if you had the assurance that you wouldn't get caught ? Or would you only change it because you know that you got tangled up in the web of lies that you created?" Sonny asked. "Hindsight is 20/20, or so they say."
"Yeah I would tell you the truth, from the beginning, If I could go back... Because as it turned out I lost you anyway." Will said. "So it didn't make much of a difference, no matter what I did."
"You wouldn't have lost me if you had just been honest with me." Sonny said sadly. "That's the real fucked up part of this whole useless situation... If you had only trusted me with the truth... We would still be together. Sure, I would have been freaked out but we could have worked it out, I would have come around."
"You would have stayed with me?" Will asked shocked. "How would I ever have known that? All you talked about back then was us travelling the world together, that was your dream…. Were we supposed to do that with an infant in tow?"
Sonny nodded. "Dreams change Will! I loved you, more than I had ever loved anyone in my life. Of course I would have stayed with you."
"Then why didn't you?" Will wailed, "Why didn't you listen to me when I tried over and over and over again to tell you that I was sorry, that lying to you was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life."
"Because I was hurt... I felt like my whole world crumbled beneath me, Everything that I trusted and believed in was gone. You were everything in my life that made life worth living for me… And you took that away from me." Sonny said, tears forming in his eyes. "I couldn't even look at you, without feeling like my heart was being physically ripped from my chest."
"So instead of fighting for me, for everything that made your life worth living... Fighting for us... You turned to Brian." Will asked, not understanding, "It was too hard for you to put the past behind us and try to work out our differences, so the simple solution was to just start a new life with someone else."
"Please try to understand that Brian showed up at a time when I needed someone to help me find myself again, I didn't know who I was without you." Sonny explained. "He reminded me of who I am, and I in the process I fell in love with him. Maybe not the kind of love we had. But I do love him."
"So you keep saying ..." Will said exasperated. "I guess I should say that I am glad that you were able to find yourself again, after I apparently ruined your life... It took me all of this time, but I have finally made my peace with your relationship with Brian."
"Since Paul?" Sonny asked, repeating Will's question from earlier.
"Yes and no." Will said, wanting to be as honest as he could. "I decided a long time ago that I needed you in my life in some way, you were not only my boyfriend, you were my best friend. And when everything happened, I lost both of those things at one time. Life was difficult at best, the only reason for me to get out of bed, to continue moving was for my baby girl. She kept me going. So living without you wasn't an option for me. I did what I had to do, I pushed my feelings aside and accepted the friendship that you offered me. But even still, I dreamed of you, that you would come back to me. I waited for you for months to realize that I was the one you wanted... But it never happened, and I cried myself to sleep more times than I care to remember." He stopped and met Sonny's eyes. "It haunted me for a long time, but now that Paul is in my life, he is changing me, filling my life with a happiness that I haven't felt in a while. And having that in my life makes me realize that I can let you go and just be truly happy for you, that you found your forever love...He had shown me that there is life after you for me and I can finally be the friend that you need me to be."
"Do you love him?" Sonny asked abruptly.
"I have only been with him for a few weeks, but he makes me happy, he spends time with me , he supports me and my decisions, he encourages me and pushes me to go after the things I want.." Will said. "He is a really good man, and he loves my baby girl... So yeah, what's not to love?"
"You named off A lot of reasons to love him... But you didn't actually say you DO love him." Sonny pointed out.
Will sat quietly for a minute... Thinking about his answer carefully. "Yes, I think I do." He said. "I think Paul could be my happily ever after."
Sonny felt like a knife twisted in his heart. Emotion welled up within him. "So that's it then?" He asked forcing the words out around the lump that had formed in his throat, tears falling down his face. "You are just going to forget about what you wanted for soo long, what you could still have… All you have to do is reach out and take it" he said brokenly... "Now who is giving up without a fight?"
"I don't know what you want from me." Will said, his voice cracking with emotion. Was Sonny offering him that second chance? It sounded like that was what he was saying, but too much has happened, too much to turn back now. If he gave in to Sonny now… then he would never truly know if Sonny wanted him because he loved him… or if it was because Paul wanted him now…
"I want you to admit to yourself that you still love me." Sonny cried... "That you still want me..."
"Don't do that... What good would it do, we are two different people now... And there is Brian and Paul to consider." Will said, wiping tears from his face.
"Yes... Consider Brian and Paul." Sonny said. "I have already hurt Brian by dragging him into this mess... But we don't have to hurt Paul. You can just tell him before its too late... That you are still in love with me and that we are going to work things out."
"All of that is in the past." Will said stubbornly. "I get that now... I'm sorry that I caused you so much pain, and I am glad that we managed to salvage at least our friendship. But I am not with Paul because I couldn't have you.., If that is what you think… you are wrong. I am with him because he makes my life better. You have Brian, and no matter what he did to get you, I do believe that he loves you, I just hope he realizes how lucky he is to have you. I won't stand in your way anymore, I am with Paul, and I am really lucky to have found him, so please let me have some peace." He pleaded , looking at Sonny.
"You're wrong." Sonny said brokenly. "You aren't the lucky one, he is... Paul is very lucky to have you in his life."
Tears flowed down Will's face, "Thank you for saying that." He said. "It means a lot to me."
"I mean it." Sonny said, reaching out and taking Will's hand.
Will allowed him to twine their fingers together, looking down at them. He had seen that sight a million times, and longed for it a million more times than that over the last two years…. But sometimes life had other plans.
He looked at Sonny.. "For the record, I do love you Sonny... And I always will, you were the first person that I ever loved. I just wasn't strong enough to trust that you loved me as much as I loved you back then... If I had maybe things would be different now, but we can't go back and change the past... And I don't think we should, even if it was possible. I would probably just end up hurting you even worse in the long run... Good bye Sonny. I will see you around." He said leaning forward and kissing him gently on the cheek.
Will pushed himself off of the couch, letting go of Sonny's hands, a sob ripped from his throat as he practically ran to the door. His hand reached out, blindly searching for the knob. He had to get out of there, this was hurting him way more than it should. It wasn't as if he was never going to see Sonny again, he was just letting go of the past. It shouldn't be ripping his heart to shreds like it was. He jerked the door open...
"Will... Wait please." Sonny cried behind him.
Will hesitated, then considered dashing on out the door... But the memories of how badly it had hurt him when Sonny had disregarded his pleas to just wait one second.., were too fresh in his mind. The times he had begged him to just please just listen, were playing on a loop, the hopelessness that he had felt in those moments, welled up within him and he couldn't hurt Sonny like that. Hesitantly he turned to face him... "Yeah?"
Sonny crossed the room, advancing on him until they were toe to toe. "I have to say this, So that you know without a shadow of a doubt… I will never forgive myself if I don't." He said.
Sonny reached for Will's hands again, taking them in his own. He looked at their joined hands for what felt like a very long time.
Will was beginning to wonder if he was going to speak... Until finally he did.
Sonny raised his eyes and met Will's determinedly; his brown eyes were swimming in a sea of tears. "I love you Will... I always have, I never stopped for one minute...and I always will, until the day I die. I am so sorry that I hurt you and pushed you away. You are all I ever wanted, and I know I have a mess of all this, but I want things to be the way they were supposed to be. Please say you will come back to me." He said.
Will's eyes widened. He couldn't believe that Sonny had just said the words that he had longed to hear for almost two years. Those words had been all he ever dreamed of, all he had wanted and prayed for…. He shook his head and opened his mouth...
Sonny reached up and covered his mouth. "Don't say anything yet. Think about it...decide what you really want." He said, "And if that's Paul then I will accept that, somehow, and we will never talk about this again." He cupped Will's face in his hands. "I only ask that you be completely honest with yourself, and only worry about what you want... Not what is right or wrong ... Don't make the same mistake I did." He urged. "PLEASE…"
Will nodded yes.
"Thank you." Sonny breathed. He leaned forward and replaced his hand with his lips pressing them against Will's, in a simple kiss. Not pushing him for anything, just a simple meeting of their lips.
Will's eyes slid closed... He had dreamt of this moment for so long... But somehow it didn't feel like he imagined that it might... His lips were soft, like they always were, exactly how Will remembered them, but they were…. Wrong… not as full as Paul's...
Paul... Will thought the name and recoiled from Sonny's kiss. He stumbled backwards and bolted out the door without another word.
Sonny was almost too stunned to move. He closed the door automatically and went back to the couch. He sat down and laid his head back... Now all he could do was wait... And pray that Will would chose him...