*Thank-you for the reviews on the last chapter. They were greatly appreciated. Thank-you all so much*
I would be lying if I said I remembered the rest of our appointment that day because after the doctor told us the news of our child possibly having Down Syndrome and asking if I wanted to abort my child everything became a blur. I was stuck in a world of doubt, thoughts racing through my head. I knew Joe had the same doubts and fears as I did as he took my hand as the thoughts of doom filled my mind. I felt selfish in that moment. I wanted to abort my child, I barely knew anything about being a mother and now I have no idea how to be a mother of a special needs child. I am not a Down syndrome expert and I'm not going to pretend to be. I know what I know and that's that a Down syndrome child seems like it can be difficult. Every thought of a happy family life, a normal life disappeared with the doctor's words. We would never be the happy normal family I dreamed of. We would never have the life I had expected to have when I finally accepted the reality of becoming a mother, the legacy Joe and I had talked about for our child disappeared. It was gone in a matter of minutes. I remember going into the doctor's office excited to see our child on the screen, to have the scans done; a happy day turned into one of confusion, anger, guilt and disappointment. It sounds selfish that I feel disappointment after the doctor told us our child may have Downs but I don't mean I am disappointed in my child. I would never be disappointed in the life Joe and I created but I am disappointed because my dreams have been shattered, everything I wanted, everything I once knew had been ripped from me; from us. I remember Joe asking questions but I can't remember them. His words sound like mumbles in my ears as I was feeling guilty that my child could be special needs and the doctor is asking if we want to abort it. I felt guilt knowing that at the beginning of my pregnancy I didn't want this baby, I didn't even want to be pregnant. I felt I was being punished for my ill feelings toward our child. I know that's not true but the guilt makes me feel as if we are being punished or more so me being punished for my negativity at the beginning of my pregnancy. Feelings of anger overtook me following the guilt, I was angry at myself, not the doctor, not the testing and not the child but MYSELF because I had been so evil, hateful to my unborn child. I didn't want it. I didn't want the life inside of me at one point, I hated myself for that and I was angry that I had ever thought that way. Lastly, my confusion came from why? Why was this happening to us, why were we chosen to have a special needs child? I had a lot of why's but no answers. I couldn't understand why any of this was happening. I was confused by the doctor's diagnosis. I still don't understand and maybe it's not for me to understand but maybe one day I will.
Leaving the doctor's office I was in a zombie state of mind, everything around me didn't exist the only thing that existed were the thoughts in my head. The car ride home was done in silence nothing on but the radio playing rock songs as Joe drove us through the quiet suburban neighborhoods in Hillsborough County. Joe didn't need to say a word as his gesture of holding my hand as he drove was comfort enough, allowing me to know he was there, that he supported me and he would support whatever decision I would make although I already knew my decision but I still wanted to think about it, research and make sure that my decision was the best one not only for Joe and I but for our child too. Children were outside riding their bikes, playing hopscotch or playing at the park with their parents. They were laughing, smiling and having fun it made me think would our child be able to ride a bike, would they be able to play hopscotch, would they be accepted on the playground by the other kids and would they ever be happy. The thoughts ran through my mind and the only thing that mattered to me is that I wanted my child to be happy and I was determined to make sure that it was happy no matter what. Joe rubs his thumb over my hand softly as if he is thinking the same thing I am thinking. "It's going to be okay," are the only words spoken on the way home. I squeeze his hand softly.
Joe pulls into our gated community after typing in our pass code before driving the rest of the way to our house. He pulls into the driveway opening the garage door so we can park in the garage. We get out of the car and make our way inside. Our dog greets us excitedly, jumping on us and barking playfully. Joe bends over to pet him while I get a glass of water from the fridge. I hear Joe talking and playing with the dog as I drink my water. He stands up. "Are we going to talk about this?" he asks.
"What is there to talk about?" I ask before taking a sip of my water.
"You know the appointment, how are you feeling?"
"I'm still trying to process everything, Joe. I never expected to hear that kind of news. I never expected to hear that our child will have special needs," I say honestly. "I have to take time to process it."
"You can't shut me out on this, Willow. We can't shut each other out. We have to talk about it," he says.
"I'm not shutting you out, Baby. I'm thinking, I'm trying to understand it all. I'm trying to let it process."
"Can I do anything for you? Can I get you something to eat?" he asks me.
"No, I'm not hungry," I say honestly because I am not hungry. I have a lot on my mind and I don't have an appetite. "What are we going to do, Joe?" I ask taking a seat at the island in the kitchen.
"What do you want to do? Are you going to keep the baby or are we going to abort the baby?" he asks.
"What do you think I want to do? What do you want to do?"
"I want to make the best decision for our family and for our child," he says.
"Joe, I don't know this is all a lot to take in. Our child probably has Downs."
"There's a possibility it doesn't mean that it will," he says. "The doctor said there is a possibility."
"The odds are pretty good," I say. "We will most likely have a child with Downs. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. It wasn't supposed to be like this."
Joe makes his way over to my side of the island and takes a seat next to me. "Nothing in life is ever how it's supposed to be," he says as he rubs my back. "You and I should know this better than anyone life doesn't always go the way we plan or the way we want it."
"Our child will be special needs, what did we do to have a special needs child?" I ask as I feel the tears forming in my eyes, my vision blurring over. "Joe, I'm sorry."
"We didn't do anything, Willow sometimes these things happen. We didn't do anything wrong and why are you apologizing?"
"Because it's my fault," I say. "I was terrible at the beginning of the pregnancy now we're being punished."
"Maybe we're not being punished maybe we're being blessed. God only picks his toughest soldiers for his toughest battles. I wouldn't look at it as a punishment more like a blessing."
"What kind of life can we give a child with Downs? I don't know much about it but what I do know is it isn't easy. It can't be easy."
"I'm sure that it's not easy but I'm also sure that we can make it work. Life is never really easy is it, Willow?"
"No not really but what if our child can't walk and can't talk? What if he or she isn't accepted by others in school or on the playground? You know that most of the time we will be caring for them the rest of their life."
"Down syndrome kids can talk and can walk as long as it isn't severe. We don't necessarily have to take care of our child the rest of their life most people with Downs can grow up to have a normal life. You and I have the resources to make sure our child gets the best care, the best intervention we can afford to help make sure they can grow up healthy, happy and normally."
"I'm just scared, Joe," I speak honestly and then I think about my dad. I remember him telling me he found out that my mama was having twins and how scared he was because he didn't know what to do. I know it's not the same thing but the fear is similar. I understand his fear but he told me not to be afraid of the unknown. The truth is I didn't know if my child was going to be born with Downs or not. I had no idea, I was scared of what could happen, too busy thinking ahead, worrying about something that I had no idea was a guarantee.
"I'm scared too but we're going to be okay. I just want to ask you, are you choosing to continue the pregnancy or are you wanting to end it?"
"I didn't even like the doctor suggesting we end the pregnancy. Regardless of what his happening and what is going on, whether our child has Downs or not I have a life inside of me; a life that you and I created together from our love. You heard our child's heartbeat today it is alive I'm not ending my pregnancy because I'm scared of something we don't know is a guarantee. I'm not ending a child's life because I am scared. We got a chance at life, our child deserves a chance at life no matter how that life may be. Besides I love the baby far too much to even consider aborting it, Joe, I can't do it," I say with tears in my eyes before I turn and wrap my arms around Joe. I burst into a fit of tears on his shoulder as I feel his arms wrap around me as he hugs me back. I have not seen or heard him cry in the entire few months we have been together but as he holds me I'm pretty sure he is crying too. I feel his tears on my shirt as he holds me. "It's not what I wanted, Joe. I didn't want this," I cry.
"I know, it's not what I envisioned either but no matter what happens we're going to have a beautiful child that we already love. I'm scared too."
"Can we do this?" I ask as I pull away and that's when I see it in his eyes, the tears he had been shedding too. I realize he has the same feelings as me, he had the same expectations as I did when it came to our child but his expectations were destroyed as well.
"I think we can do it, Baby," he placed his hand on my stomach. "No matter what we're going to make sure this baby is loved and the sky is no limit. It will never want or need for anything and it will be loved so much," he says as he rubs my stomach. "We can do this, I'm not saying it will be easy but I'm saying we can do this."
"I never thought I could love something I have never seen this much in my life," I say. "I love this baby so much and I just want to do the best for it. I want to make sure it is happy, healthy and loved oh so loved."
"And it will be," he says with a smile. "We'll check our resources, do the research to see what it's like to raise a child with Down syndrome, see what intervention is needed. We can do this, we're going to do this."
"I will start researching what I can."
"We will start researching," he says with a smile. "I love you."
"I love you too," I say as he gives me a soft kiss on the lips. "Can we announce?"
"Announce what?"
"That we're having a baby," I say with a smile.
"You want to announce our pregnancy?"
"I do," I say with a smile.
"I thought you wanted to keep it a secret?"
"I did but I love it so much and I am so happy I want the world to know," I say with a smile.
"Okay," he says with a smile.
"Let's take a picture together with the sonogram to share our beautiful news," I say.
"All right," he says with a smile as I pull out the sonogram and hand Joe my phone. He holds the sonogram with me as I hold my phone out to take a picture of us. It doesn't matter our baby is going to be loved and cared for. It will always be special to us. I post the picture of us on Instagram announcing that our baby is due in September telling everyone how happy we are for our little prince or princess to come into the world. "I love you so much," he says with a smile, "we're going to be okay, we're going to get through this."
"You promise?" I ask.
"I promise," he says with a smile.
*A/N: What do you think of Willow's feelings at the beginning of the chapter? What about at the end? What do you think about the decision that she made with the baby? Do you think that Willow is growing up from the person she used to be? Do you think it's fair for her to blame herself? What are your thoughts on their choice? Do you want to know what Joe's feelings are? What about them choosing to announce their pregnancy? What does that show the world? Do you believe that they can do this? Please review and thank-you for reading.