Soooo... as you may have noticed, I have been MIA for quite a long while. I could not Watch the show after the death of Will... Never watched another scene. And though these stories have lived on in my mind, I had a really hard time getting them down on paper. Now that Will is returning, I finally found the inspiration to write again, So If you are still following along. Thank you, and please forgive my absence!
Sonny stepped out of the sliding doors of the airport into the hustle and bustle of people frantically moving to and fro… All of them trying to get from point A to point B in a hurry. Sonny was no different, now that he was here he wanted to get to Brian as soon as he could. He had already let too much time go by. Brian probably thought that he didn't care about their he really couldn't blame him if he did. It wasn't like he had given him a whole lot of reasons to have confidence. He had a splitting headache and wondered if he should have called first, if he was making yet another mistake by showing up here out of the blue.
He stopped right where he was and gave himself a mental shake. He had already been over and over that on his plane ride. He had made so many mistakes lately, He should have never let Will go to begin with. If it hadn't been for his stupid pride he probably wouldn't have…. But what was done, was done right? Long ago, when he had found out about the baby... either intentionally, or just out of plain stubbornness …he had chosen a different path for his life. He had put Will firmly behind him and the past was just that. The Past... and he had to leave it there. He was determined to show Brian that they could have a future together, and that a future with him is exactly what he wants. Hopefully Brian would still want that too.
Having settled that in his brain, he turned and whistled for a cab. When one pulled up to the curb he opened the door and climbed inside. That was when he realized that he had no idea where he was going. He hadn't exactly been communicating much with Brian, so he had no idea which hotel he was even staying at. He sighed to himself and asked the driver to take him to John Hopkins Hospital. At least he would be able to find him, or someone that knew how to reach him there.
The driver looked over his shoulder. "You okay man?" he asked concerned.
Sonny nodded. "Yes, or at least I will be." he said, "As soon as I see my boyfriend."
"Is he sick?" The cabbie said, attempting to make conversation.
"No." Sonny said absently. "He's a doctor there." He fell silent, not offering any further information.
Sensing Sonny wasn't in the mood to talk the cabbie let the subject drop. He didn't say anything else until he pulled up in front of the entrance. "Here we are."
Sonny looked up from his musings. "Thanks" he said, passing a bill over the seat.
"Good Luck to you." The cabbie said, taking the money, "Enjoy your visit with your boyfriend."
Sonny nodded as he got out and closed the door behind him. Now that he was here he had a feeling of dread deep in his stomach, he really had no idea if Brian would want to see him, he didn't have a clue about what he wanted to say.
He took a fortifying breath, squared his shoulders and walked in as the doors slid open. The smell that seemed to permeate all hospitals enveloped him as the doors slid closed behind him. He stopped and looked around the prestigious hospital, it looked much like any other hospital that he had ever been in before. He walked up to the desk and asked if they could page Brian to come to the lobby.
The elderly lady behind the desk nodded her assent and pressed a couple buttons on her phone. He heard the page go out over the overhead PA system, and butterflies took flight in his stomach. He almost felt as if he was going to be sick.
With nothing else to do but wait he walked over to the set of chairs situated in the corner and sat down. He thought about what the best thing to say would be as he waited. He wasn't sure if Brian would appreciate that he was here now that Will had turned him down. Maybe he should leave that part out of his story? That seemed to be a reasonable idea, but the idea of starting over again based on a lie was enough to make vomit rise in the back of his throat.
He dropped his head back on the chair. How in the hell had his life gotten so far out of control? One minute he and Brian were happy and headed toward the altar and then Paul stepped back into his life and suddenly it was as if he no longer knew what he wanted. Admittedly it was a strange situation. Paul coming back for him, and ending up with Will was a twist of fate that no one could have seen coming. What were the odds that something like this could ever happen. So my wasn't sure but they seemed very low.
Sonny lay there, eyes closed, head resting on the back of the chair for what seemed like a very long while before someone touched his shoulder startling him out of his thoughts.
"Sonny… What are you doing here?" Brian asked, eyeing the suitcase sitting at Sonny's feet. Other than shaking his shoulder Brian made no move to touch him.
Sonny blinked up at him a couple of times before sitting up straight. "I came for you.", Sonny said quietly, pushing himself off of the couch. "Is it okay if we… I mean can we go to the hotel and talk?"
Brian studied him for a few minutes before he replied. "I can't right now." He said as he looked at his watch, "My shift ends in a couple of hours, and went can talk then." He said finally.
"Okay, I'll wait then." Sonny said, sitting back down on the couch. "I will be right here when you are ready."
"No." Brian said. "There is no need for that, you shouldn't have to wait here." He pulled out his wallet and extracted a key card, handing it to Sonny. "The hotel is just a couple blocks down past the hospital. Go there and wait for me, room 349 and I will be there as soon as I can.".
Sonny took the card he offered and nodded. "Okay." he said. "I am really glad to see you."
Brian nodded, turned and hurried away without another word.
Sonny watched as he walked off. His mind spinning in a hundred different directions. Brian hadn't seemed overjoyed to see him. But the guessed that he should have been expecting that. "At least get hadn't refused to see him, or turned him away."
Sonny pulled the suitcase along behind him as he exited the hotel and walked down the sidewalk. He thought about what he wanted to say as he walked. Discarding ideas as he went.
Sonny opened the door and looked around the room. It was as neat as he had expected it to be, given Brian's OCD and truthfully he probably didn't spend much time here. He had come here to work and learn and If Sonny knew anything Brian it was that he had a tendency to throw himself into his work, often forgetting that life was meant to be lived. He had seen that first hand as Brian worked his way through college. He had barely surfaced for days at a time back then.
He sat down on the bed and then got up again. He was restless and his nerves were getting the best of him. He paced the room and then stepped out onto the small balcony…he looked around for a minute or two and then went inside again. He had never felt so uncomfortable before. His nerves were strung so tightly they may as well be a tight rope at the circus. Finally, he decided a hot shower may help him relax, or at least help him get a handle on his runaway imagination.
Sonny opened his suitcase and pulled some clothes from the haphazard piles he had tossed in before his hasty trip to the airport. He went into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, then turned the water on to as hot as he could stand it. The tiny bathroom quickly filled with steam as he stripped out of his clothes.
When he stepped under the hot spray he felt some of the tension leave his body. He stood there for several minutes letting the water hit the back of his neck. Then he turned and let it wash over his chest until the water started cooling. He grabbed the bottle of soap Brian had sitting on the shelf and quickly bathed off, before shutting the water off and stepping out of the shower.
He rubbed himself dry feeling calmer and more quickly dressed and threw the towels into the pile in the corner. He thought about what he wanted to say, all the points that he wanted to make, trying his best to organize what he wanted to say in his head, but there was really nothing that he could say, no one excuse that sounded any less lame than the one before it. So in the end he decided to just speak from the heart, and hope that underneath all the pain and resentment, somehow Brian still loved him.
Sonny lost track of time as he thought over the events of the last few weeks. Sitting there dwelling on the past he was lost once again in the feeling of Will walking out on him. Well, that wasn't accurate… to be truthful he had walked out on Will… way back when, so he had to take the blame there. He thought about Will and how confident he had been when he had come to say he had chose Paul…. Will had been confident about his choice and the reasons that he had given made a lot of sense. He loved Will, and probably always would, some things never change. But Will had been right loving someone and being in love with them is two totally different things. And the thought of Paul… or anyone taking Will away from him, had scared the hell out of him. Because Will had been part of his life in some fashion for a long time. Was it possible that he was clinging to Will so hard because he was scared of losing the friendship that he had come to depend on? Will was right, he did love Brian. He stayed with him because Brian had gotten into his heart. He had put him back together when it had been shattered into a million pieces. Brian had given him a reason to wake up every morning. How had he made such a huge mess out of his life. Brian may never trust him again and It was a wonder that Will and Paul didn't hate him for what he put them through.
He was reclining against the pillows on the bed when he finally heard the door opening a couple of hours later. He was surprised to see that darkness had overtaken the day while he had been busy preparing his speech to Brian. The room was shrouded in shadows. It had taken most of the day but he had gotten things into perspective and had an idea of what he wanted to say to Brian. Making empty promises wasn't going to hold any weight with him, but hopefully he would come around. Sonny stood and went to greet him.
Sonny walked straight up to him and wrapped his arms around him in a warm hug, but Brian remained stiff and unresponsive.
"What are you doing here Sonny?" he asked again, when Sonny released him and stepped back.
"I came here for you." Sonny repeated his answer from earlier. "I've missed you."
"Oh." Brian said, his voice coming out tense and cold. "I see… and how about Will? Have you gotten him out of your system?" he asked pointedly. "It only took a few weeks, so I guess I should be grateful."
"Brian," Sonny said, "I don't want, I mean I haven't….." He stopped, and went back to perch on the edge of the bed, sighing heavily…. "I don't even know what to say. I am so very sorry for what I've put you through." he whispered. "I don't know what came over me. The thought of Will with Paul… it seemed to me that I was going to lose his friendship and it scared the hell out of me."
"His friendship?" Brian asked disbelieving… "That's what you are afraid of losing?"
"Yes." Sonny said. "Maybe I didn't know that's what I was afraid of, maybe I was confused about it. Confused between love and friendship…" He looked down at his hands, "I didn't know what him being with Paul was going to mean for me, but I know now that it means that nothing really changes. He is still my best friend… Just my best friend who has a life of his own…."
"And how did you come to this realization?" Brian asked. He was still standing just inside the door, ready to bolt if this became too much for him. "Did you sleep with him to figure out that he is just your friend? Those old feelings not as strong as you thought they were or…. Maybe he turned you down…. Which is it Sonny?"
"Of course I didn't sleep with him….." Sonny said. "Will and I talked, we had a heart to heart talk, a very open conversation about the past... that's it."
"Let me see if I understand correctly… You two talked and you figured out that you are not in love with him anymore. You just freaked out and started acting like a crazy person because you just can't lose his friendship… Is that about right?" Brian asked.
"More or less." Sonny hedged. He didn't want to lie and he had promised himself that he would give Brian the whole story, and he would, but with the way Brian was acting, He wasn't sure disclosing the full truth just now would be advantageous to his situation.
"More or Less?" Brian asked. "Let me guess, I am pretty sure I know exactly what went down... you told Will you still love him, you probably begged him to take you back, and he turned you down…. It seems the tables have turned on you Sonny." He sneered. "All those months Will came around hanging on to your friendship like a love sick puppy dog, refusing to give up on his dream of being with you, even though we were together and her knew we were supposed to be getting married….and then one day Paul came into the picture and swept him off of his feet. And now it is your turn to cling on him, to be the love sick puppy, taking whatever scraps of time he has for you."
"It isn't like that." Sonny said sadly. "You're making this into something that it's not."
"It didn't happen like that?" Brian asked, his eyes practically glowing with anger, daring Sonny to deny it. "Tell me I am wrong Sonny."
"Well, no… not exactly like that." Sonny said.
"Okay, let me make this simple for you…. Did you ask Will to come back to you?" Brian asked.
"Yes." Sonny whispered… getting up and walking toward Brian.
Brian shook his head no and side stepped Sony's touch. "I cant…" He pulled his Wallet out of his pocket and pulled out another key card, thisb one in an envelope. He held it out toward Sonny. "Here, take it, I got you your own room." he said.
"Why?" Sonny asked, his voice cracking.
"Because I told you back in Salem that I am not okay with being your second choice." Brian said. "I mean it then, and I mean it now. I won't be your consolation prize Sonny. I deserve better than that."
"You aren't a consolation prize." Sonny said shoving his hand through his hair. This wasn't going the way he planned it. "Didn't you hear what I said, I love you."
"So far all I have heard is that you asked him to come back and he turned you down." Brian said. "And that makes me your second choice."
"You aren't my second choice, I love you." Sonny said reaching out to touch Brian. Brian shook his head again, and shoved the card into his outstretched hand.
"I don't want this." Sonny said, " I want to stay with you."
"Well, until we resolve our issues, I don't think that is a good idea." Brian said. "And right now I can't even stand to look at you. You can say I love you all day long…. But they are just empty words, words that have no meaning without actions to back them up."
"Look…" Sonny said, "I know how this looks to you, this looks like Will turned me down and I came running back to you because I don't have anywhere else to go, but that isn't what this is. Will did turn me down but he pointed out some things to me that I had not realized before. If I had been actually in love with Will I would have went back to him, regardless of who it hurt, and I didn't do that because I didn't want to hurt you."
"Oh so since you stayed with me so I wouldn't be hurt, and you didn't go running back to Will regardless of my feelings then that must prove that you love me huh…" Brian said, becoming indignant.
"Yes….. I mean no." Sonny said. "I am making a mess out of this." he whined. "I had it all planned out. Exactly what I wanted to say, but It isn't quite coming out the way I hoped."
"You should go." Brian said, "It's been a long day and I have to be back at work early tomorrow. I need to get some rest."
"Brian, I…" Sonny began, but closed his mouth when Brian opened the door and stood beside it, waiting for Sonny to leave.
Sonny grabbed his bag from the corner and walked out the door, looking at Brian sadly.
"We can talk more tomorrow Sonny. I have to have time, time to think about this… about what I want and what I can live with." Brian said. "Your room is on the 5th floor, room 544. Good night Sonny." he whispered and then closed the door.