*thank-you for the reviews on the last chapter. They were greatly appreciated. Thank-you all so much*
"Daddy!" yells Alani as I open the front door to see her standing on the porch with her mom. I scoop her up in my arms as she gives me a tight hug. "I missed you."
"I missed you too," I say with a smile. It has been a couple weeks since I have seen Alani. I just felt like it wasn't a good time for her to come visit while Willow was in the state of depression that she was and I would have pushed it back longer because Willow is worse than she was before but I want to see my daughter and I feel like maybe spending some time with Alani might help Willow feel a little bit better. She always enjoys when Alani comes over so I hope this cheers her up a bit. I know it's going to cheer me up a little bit. I have been so strong for Willow that no one even sees how much losing our son has killed me. I just keep trying to go every day while Willow has completely shut down from our loss. We're not even sleeping in the same bed anymore she can barely look at me and the pain I see her in makes it hard for me to look at her. I hate seeing her like that it breaks my heart. I kiss Alani's cheek as I hold her on my hip. "Hi, Vanessa," I say.
"Hi," she says with a smile. "How are you doing? You feeling better, you feeling okay?"
"Just trying to get through every day pretty much, each day is a new struggle. I'm just hoping that one day I wake up and all the pain is gone. It's been tough."
"I'm sure it has," she says touching my arm softly. "I'm really sorry, Joe," she says. "I know this has been really hard on you and really tough. I'm sorry. I am not going to pretend to know what you're going through because I have no idea but I want you to know if you need someone to talk to or want a friend to talk to I'm here for you. You can call me any time."
"Thanks, Vanessa," I say. "That means a lot to me."
"You don't have to thank me," she says. "We're friends. That's what friends do. I know you would do the same for me. How is Willow doing?"
"I don't know anymore," I say honestly as I put Alani down on her feet. "Why don't you go up to your room and find us a game to play?" I ask her.
"Okay, Daddy," she says with a smile before she runs into the house and up the stairs heading into the direction of her bedroom.
"I take it Willow isn't doing well?"
"No," I say. "She's not doing well at all. I don't even think she wants to live this life anymore it's like she has completely given up. She doesn't do anything except lay in bed all day and night, crying. I don't know what to do for her. I want to take her pain away but I can't. I live every day trying to be strong for her so she doesn't see how much this is tearing me apart too. I hurt too, Vanessa. I lost a son too and I don't know how to make her happy when I can't even make myself happy."
"Joe," she says as she surprises me by giving me a hug. "I'm so sorry," she says. "I'm so sorry." I hug her back and feel the tears forming in my eyes. I try not to cry but I find myself breaking down, crying on her shoulder as she comforts me.
"I just don't understand, Vanessa," I cry. "I don't understand. Why did God take our son? Why did he take him away from us? Did we do something wrong?" I ask.
"Joe, look at me," she says as I pull away from our hug. I look at her as she takes my hand into hers for comfort. "You and Willow didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do one thing wrong the only thing you two did was love that baby unconditionally. You didn't do anything wrong, Joe. I promise you, you and Willow didn't do anything wrong. I know you don't understand. I don't think anyone would understand something so tragic but sometimes it's best that we don't know the answers to the question why. We can't control the bad things that happen to us. I know it's not fair, life isn't fair."
"You're right, life isn't fair," I say. "It isn't fair. I don't understand. I'm angry."
"I know you are," she says, "and I understand why you are. I don't see how anyone in your place couldn't be upset about something like this. I just wish you weren't blaming yourself."
"It is my fault, it will always be my fault. I was the one that was driving the night of the accident. I should have listened to Willow and pulled over but I thought I knew it all. I kept driving because I knew I could make it. I kept driving and the rain got worse. I didn't even see that truck coming until it was too late," I say. "I screwed up, Vanessa. I deserved this but Willow didn't."
"Stop, Joe, you stop it right now," she says. "You didn't screw up and it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You can't stop the rain from falling and that truck hitting you was not your fault it was a force of nature that you couldn't control. This is NOT your fault," she says. "Do not blame yourself."
"I was wrong and I deserved this," I say breaking down. "I deserved this Vanessa. I did everything wrong. I let Willow down. I let myself down. I'm being punished for everything I did wrong but Willow shouldn't be punished with me," I say. "She shouldn't be punished because of what I did." I break down into sobs and fall down to my knees as she gets down onto my level and hugs me tightly allowing me to cry on her shoulder as she holds me. Vanessa and I have had our differences and we don't' feel the same way we used to about each other before but she is still the mother of my daughter and I still love her but not in the way I did before in a different way. She's still one of my good friends and I enjoy the fact she's willing to be there for me and comfort me, allowing me to cry on her shoulder.
"You didn't deserve this, Joe, NO one deserves this. I'm so sorry," she says as she hugs me as I continue to cry on her shoulder. "If you aren't feeling up to having Alani stay I can take her home with me if you'd like," she offers.
"No," I say wiping my tears away as I sit back against the wall. "I need to spend time with Alani. I need to spend time with my baby girl it might help me feel better."
"Okay," she says. "As long as you're sure you want her to stay if not I can take her home with me."
"It's okay," I say standing up. "I want her to stay."
"Okay," she says. "Joe, I'm really sorry."
"Thanks," I say realizing that everyone keeps telling me how sorry they are but it doesn't help. It doesn't change the fact I lost my son. It doesn't take my pain away and it doesn't help me feel any better. I guess that's just what people feel obligated to say in times of loss because they think it will but honestly it doesn't help at all. I don't think anything does. I guess it just takes time for the pain to disappear but does it truly disappear or do we just get used to the loss?
"I am only a phone call away, Joe, call me if you need me okay?"
"Okay," I say. "Have a goodnight."
"Thanks, you too," she says before she gives me one last hug before she walks away. I shut the door as soon as she steps off my front porch.
I walk upstairs and give Alani the idea of going out for ice-cream before I walk to my room that I share with Willow and walk into the room to see her laying on the bed curled up, hugging the pillow without the television on. "Hey," I say walking over to the bed. "Alani is here we're going to go out for ice-cream," I say. "Do you want to come with us? You know just to get out of the house for a while?"
"No," she says and I can hear the hoarseness in her voice and know she's been crying. "I'm just going to lay here. I am really tired. I'm going to try to get some sleep."
"Are you sure? It will be fun," I suggest, "it will be good for you to get out of the house and it will be fun to get out and have some fun don't you think?"
"I'm not really in the mood to have any fun," she says. "I'm sorry."
"Okay," I say, "do you want me to stop somewhere to get you something to eat on our way back?"
"Not hungry," she says. "You two have a good time."
"Okay," I say as I lean down and kiss her forehead. "I love you, Willow."
"I love you too," she says softly. I look at her and feel her pain as I mask my own. I turn around and make my way to the door. "Does it ever stop?" she asks stopping me from opening our door.
"Does what stop?" I ask as I turn around to face her.
"The pain," she answers, "does it ever stop?"
"I hope so," I say, "do you want to talk about it?"
"No," she says. "Not now. I want you to go out with Alani and spend time with her. I just wanted to know if the pain ever stops hurting."
"I think that it will someday," I answer, "I just don't know when though."
"I hope soon," she responds. "And if you think I blame you, Joe, I don't. I don't blame anyone but God," she says.
"Willow," I say.
"No, Joe, I'm done talking about it. "Alani needs you. I'll be fine."
"You're not fine, Willow, you haven't been fine."
"Bye," she says and I let out sigh before I walk out of the bedroom to leave her alone in her misery and despair. She won't let me in and if she doesn't let me in I can't help her even if I can't help myself.
"So how are you?" I ask Alani as we are sitting outside the ice-cream place having an ice-cream cone in the hot sun shining down on the Tampa Bay area.
"I'm good," she says as she eats her ice-cream. "I missed you, Daddy."
"I know. I missed you too. I'm sorry, Alani. Daddy just needed a little bit of time."
"It's okay," she says. "I thought I was going to travel with you this summer, Daddy?"
"A lot of things came up and I won't be back in the ring until it's close to you going back to school. Maybe next summer," I suggest.
"Is it because my brother died?"
"Not entirely," I say.
"Is it because you did drugs?" she asks honestly and I stop eating my ice-cream cone. "Is it, Daddy? Do you do drugs?" she asks.
"Where did you hear that?" I ask. "Who told you that?"
"I don't know," she answers.
"Alani," I say.
"I was on the internet and I wanted to research you so I looked up Roman Reigns and all these bad things about you came up they said you did drugs and that's why you weren't wrestling and then they said stuff about my brother dying because you did something bad."
"Alani, none of that is true. I did get in trouble for violating something with my job but I do not do drugs and your brother didn't die because I did something bad. I don't know why he died but he did and I can't change that."
"Okay, Daddy," she says sadly. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," I say, "and you did the right thing. You asked me about something you read on the internet and didn't believe it. That's the right thing. Listen, Alani, I'm a WWE superstar and there are a lot of fans out there that don't like me for whatever reason and they forget I am a father outside of the ring and forget that I am a person too. They only know me as Roman Reigns and that's not who I am. First and foremost I am your daddy and second I am Willow's husband. I am a person but they don't understand that and they probably never will so they are going to say bad things about me and mean things about me that aren't true. And you're getting older now that you're going to google me and every bad thing someone says about me is going to pop up and you're going to see it. You're probably going to be able to google yourself and see pictures of you pop up and there's nothing I can do to control that. I don't' want you to believe everything you read about me on the internet because most of the time it won't be true and if you ever seen anything that you're not sure about all you have to do is ask me and I will answer you. Okay?"
"Okay, Daddy," she says with a smile. "I don't care what any of those mean fans say about you because I think you're the best daddy in the world and I love you this much," she says making me smile as she reaches her arms out completely to each side.
"I love you too," I say with a smile, "and you're the best daughter in the world," I say before I kiss her cheek.
"Daddy," she says crawling into my lap. "Is Koa in Heaven right now?"
"I think so," I answer her. "I'm sure he is."
"Who is taking care of him since he is just a baby?"
"I'm not sure," I answer. "I have family members up there and so does Willow maybe one of them or all of them are taking care of him in Heaven. There are other angels that can take of him too."
"Good because he is just a baby and he shouldn't be alone," she says.
"I agree," I say with a nod. "Do you miss him?"
"I wanted to meet him," she says, "do you miss him?"
"Every day," I say.
"It's going to be okay, Daddy, you know why?"
"Why?" I ask.
"Because he is in our hearts," she says placing her tiny hand on my heart. "And he always will be. I think he's everywhere," she says being wise beyond her 8 years of life. "He can be in the rain, the sun, the grass, the sky, the ocean, he can be everywhere we just have to look for him," she says.
"You're right," I say with a smile.
"And you and Willow can have another baby sometime not now but later," she says, "when you two don't hurt so much anymore."
"How do you know we're hurting?" I ask.
"I hear stuff, I'm 8 years old. I don't try to hear things but sometimes I do. I know Willow is really sad and I know you're really sad but it's going to be okay, Daddy. Koa is right here," she says touching my heart again. "And he always will be."
"Thank-you, Alani," I say with a soft smile. Her innocent look on life and pain make me smile because she knows nothing of the unjust that she can face in life and doesn't know the curveballs life will throw at her someday right now she is innocent in the ways of the world and I hope she stays that way for a long time. "So what do you say about going to play a game of top golf?" I ask.
"That would be fun," she says with a smile. "Can we?"
"Yes," I say with a smile.
"Okay," she says with a smile before she and I finish off our ice-cream cones that have already started to melt in our hands. We clean up and we head to go play a game of top golf and spending the rest of the afternoon together before I drop her back off at her mom's house. "I love you, Daddy," she says.
"I love you too," I say with a smile before I give her a hug and a kiss as Vanessa stands in the doorway. "I'll see you this weekend okay?"
"Okay, Daddy," she says before giving me another hug before she goes inside. Vanessa hugs me one more time before I tell her goodnight and head back to my house. Just spending my afternoon with Alani makes me feel better enjoying her giggles, her laughter and feeling her love just make me feel stronger and make me feel better. It doesn't take away the pain but it helps to see how smart she is and how loving and caring she is. I lost one child but I still have one child that is alive and I need to enjoy her and spend as much time with her as I can which is one thing I have learned and realized through this whole thing.
*A/N: What do you think of Vanessa being there for Joe in his tough time? Do you think he needs that friendship with her to help him through his pain? What did you think of him saying he needs to be strong for Willow so he masks his own pain and no one realizes how painful it has been for him? What did you think of his breakdown? Do you think he should continue to blame himself? Do you think the pain disappears after a loss or does the pain still exist but you just get used to the loss? Does saying sorry truly help the person grieving? Were you surprised when Willow started to talk a little about it? Is this the beginning of her opening up about it? Did Joe need to hear that she doesn't blame him for the loss? Do you believe she is fine like she says? What did you think of Joe's afternoon with Alani? Do you think she helped him through some of his pain with her encouraging words? What about the things she found on the internet about her dad? Did she handle it well? And do you think that losing Kekoa caused Joe to realize he needs to slow down and enjoy Alani and his time with her a little more? Please review and thank-you for reading.