*Thank-you for the reviews on the last chapter they were greatly appreciated thank-you all so much*
I walk into the garage after I park the car in the garage and make my way into the door leading to the laundry room and then into the kitchen. I walk into the kitchen and hang my keys up on the hook and look over at the sink to see an empty bottle of wine sitting on the counter. I clean it out and throw it into our recycling bin before I make my way upstairs. "Willow, I'm home," I say as I walk into the bedroom. "Willow?" I ask when I don't hear her or see her in the spot I had last seen her. "Willow?" I ask again to no response. I look over to see the bathroom door shut and the light on. I walk into the bathroom after knocking. "Willow?" I ask as I open the door and I look over to the bathtub and see Willow lying on the floor lifeless. "WILLOW!" I yell as I run into the bathroom. A broken wine glass next to her and an empty pill bottle in her hand. "Willow," I say with tears in my eyes as she lie there not moving, not responding. I pick up the pill bottle and see they were the pain pills she had from her knee surgery that she had refused to take now they were gone. I frantically check for a pulse as my hand shakes and my palms start sweating. I can't handle the thought of losing my wife along with my son. "Willow," I cry as I lay my head down on her chest. I feel a light rise and fall of her chest but her lips have started to turn blue. I place my sweaty shaking palm onto her chest hoping for a pulse. I can't find one and I take two fingers to her neck, tears streaming from my eyes, my heart pounding, fear ripping through my body as I check for a pulse. Faintly I feel the slow rhythm of her heartbeat against my index and middle finger. I pull my cellphone out of my jeans pocket and call 9-1-1.
"Hello, 9-1-1, what's your emergency?" asks the woman on the other end.
"It's my wife," I say as my voice cracks as I try to hold myself together. "She took some pills and drank some wine. Please she's not responding to me," I say my heart shattering in my chest.
"Sir, what is your address?" she asks. "and can you tell me what kind of pills she took?"
"7510 Lake Street," I rush into the phone. "And I don't know pain pills from her surgery," I say. "I don't know what kind they are."
"Is there a pulse, Sir?"
"It's faint but there is a pulse," I say in a panic, "please send someone quick." I feel my voice crack again, tears blurring my eyes as I run my fingers through her red hair as my knees are being stabbed by broken glass. "Please," I beg.
"Sir, an ambulance is in route until they get there I need you to stabilize your wife. You're going to need to give her CPR to bring her back to us."
"Okay," I say as I put my cellphone down on the bathroom floor, my knees cut as I begin to deliver CPR to Willow to bring her back but nothing works. I keep trying but nothing happens she continues to lay lifeless on the bathroom floor. I can't hold it back anymore and I begin sobbing, begging her to wake up, begging for her to be okay. I can hear the sirens of the ambulance coming down the street. I keep trying through my sobs and I hear the doorbell ring. I run downstairs to open the door and lead them upstairs to the bathroom. I stand off in the corner and allow them to do what they need to do for Willow. They put her on the stretcher and wheel her out of the bathroom, through our room and down the stairs. I follow behind them, my knees bleeding from the broken glass. I climb onto the ambulance with them as one of the EMT's pulls the doors shut.
Arriving at the hospital was pure chaos following a chaotic and frightening ride to the hospital. Willow died twice on the stretcher and each time they were able to revive her and bring her back even if she was unconscious. The EMT's jumped out of the double doors of the ambulance, pulling Willow with them. I held Willows hand as we raced into the emergency doors. Yelling and chaos ensued as we entered into the emergency wing. We were greeted by doctors ready to take Willow back to the room to be examined. I raced along aside the stretcher holding tight to her hand before we were separated by the nurses and doctors. I watch as they wheel her through the double doors, running to an emergency room to tend to her. I watch until they are out of sight. I make my way to the waiting area and call Willow's dad to inform him of what happened and that she's being seen. The worst thoughts run through my mind as I wait for them to give me some type of news about my wife. I get excited as they come looking for me but my excitement fades as I am given paperwork to fill out for her. I take my seat and begin to fill out the paperwork as best as I can.
"What the hell happened?" asks Mark as he sits down next to me.
"I don't know, I went out with Alani to spend the afternoon with her to get some time with her. Willow asked me before I left if the pain ever went away. I asked her to come along with us but she said she didn't want to come along. She told me she was fine when I came back she was in the bathroom, pain pills were gone with a bottle of wine. She was unconscious. She died twice on the way here."
"She's hurting," he says. "What would possess her to pull something like this?" he asks.
"I don't know but I'm worried about her," I say as I continue to wait for some word on Willow and her condition. "What if I lose her too? My life will be destroyed. Everything in my life is about her and Alani. If she goes then what? I lost Koa I can't lose Willow too. I can't."
"I hope everything is all right," he says. "I wish I could say it would be okay but I don't know we can only hope that she pulls out of this and I hope after this she gets the help that she needs. She needs help, Joe. This grieving and locking herself in the bedroom all day is not working or helping you or her. She needs to talk to someone, see someone this is not okay. She needs help and she needs an intervention. We need to help her through this."
"I've been trying she won't talk to anyone, she won't open up. I thought she was going to earlier but she shut down again. I don't know what to do, Mark. I'm trying, I'm trying my hardest here and I just don't know what else to do. I hurt too and I'm masking my own pain for her and that's not fair. We should be getting help together and talking to each other through this but she shuts down. She won't talk to anyone. She just lies in bed all day doing nothing and crying. I don't know what to do but I do know if I lose her my world will be over. I can't handle losing her too."
"Let's just hope that she makes it," he says and for the first time in my life I see the tears in his eyes. "She has to make it," he whispers and I hear his voice crack. "I'll be back," he says before standing up and dismissing himself to the bathroom. I have never seen him cry before until now not even when we were in the accident. He's usually so hopeful and so optimistic but this time he seems to be a little worried and feels the worst could happen. He's not wrong to feel that way. After everything Willow took and ingested it is possible she could die but if she doesn't it is possible she could never be the same again.
He returns back to the waiting room and takes a seat next to me a few minutes later and his eyes are red and puffy. "You okay?"
"Why would she do something like this?" he asks. "After everything I went through and everything her mom went through with addiction? Why would she do something like this?"
"I don't know," I say. "I wish I knew. I really thought she would be okay."
"She hasn't been okay for a long time, Joe," he says honestly. "Ever since she got pregnant she hasn't been the same but after losing the baby it got worse. I don't know what to do for her. I don't know if there is anything I can do but to take pain pills and drink alcohol why would she do something like that? After watching her mom deal with a pill addiction why would she do the same thing?"
"I don't know," I say. "I don't know."
Mark and I didn't speak a word to each other after that. We sat silently. I was staring off into space as I waited for news on my wife. The waiting it felt like hours, it felt like days had passed and months gone by. I wasn't getting a good feeling about it. I was scared to see the doctor appear. I was waiting to hear the worst, I was expecting the worst. My heart races as I see the doctor and the resident make their way to me. I get flashbacks of them telling Willow and I that our son had died. Tears fill my eyes as I realize if something happens to Willow I don't have her beside me, I don't have her with me how would I ever get through something like that. She was by my side the day the doctor and the nurse told us about Koa. As terrible and dramatic as it was she was there, beside me, we held each other, we cried together but this time she wouldn't be there. I stand up as I hear the doctor call for me. Mark stands up with me, we rush the doctor to get news on Willow's condition. "Mr. Anoa'i," he says. "Your wife ingested a large amount of Percocets and drank alcohol on top of it. It was touch and go for a while but we managed to stabilize her. We pumped her stomach out of the toxins and she is now awake and stable."
"So she's alive?" I ask gratefully.
"She's alive and she is lucky she had this outcome, she was very close to another outcome one that would not have allowed her to survive. It is good that you got to her when you did because if you hadn't she would have been gone." I let out a sigh of relief. "We do want to keep her a couple days for observation and we believe it is best that she see the psychiatrist why she's here and it is important that he monitors her behavior. She obviously made a suicide attempt I don't see any other explanation as to why she would ingest percocets and alcohol other than to end her life. She needs to talk to someone. I understand you two suffered a loss but it is important that she meet with the hospital psychiatrist to talk to him about her issues."
"I understand," I say, "thank-you."
"You're welcome," he says.
"Can I see her?" I ask.
"Yes, you can go back to see her but remember she just went through a stressful situation and she needs everything to stay positive."
"Okay," I say before he leads Mark and I back to Willow's hospital room. I don't even know what to say to her. I can't say that I'm just relieved but upset too that she pulled something like this. I understand the loss hurts but to hurt others in an attempt to end your life is selfish; she had a choice, Koa didn't. We walk into Willow's room and she's sitting up in the bed looking out the window to the courtyard of the hospital. "Hey," I say.
"Hi," she says without looking at me.
"How are you feeling?"
"Numb," she says crossing her arms. "You should have let me go, Joe. I wanted to go."
"I wasn't going to let you go," I say. "I would never let you go, not that way. I'm glad I got you when I did. You could have died."
"Well, you should have let me," she says with disdain in her voice. "Anything has to be better than here."
"Willow," I say, "there are people that love you and care about you. To say you want to die is a slap in their faces."
"What is my purpose to be here, Joe?" she asks turning to look at me, her eyes red and full of tears. "I want my son back."
"I want him back too but why would you do something like this? Why would you try to kill yourself?" I ask trying to remain calm.
"I wanted the pain to end, Joe, every day I wake up with my heart shattered thinking about everything that should have been with Koa. I think about what our lives should have been like and then I remind myself every day that everything that should be and how our lives should be will never happen because he's gone. It hurts, every day I wake up in pain thinking and hoping that today is the day the pain goes away but it gets worse and worse. The hurt keeps coming, it keeps destroying me. I can't take it anymore. Every day I wake up wondering why I am here again, why did I wake up? Most nights I want to just die and never wake up again. I want my pain to go away and for those few minutes when I popped those pills and drank that wine I didn't hurt anymore. I didn't feel anything anymore. I felt good. I felt my life slipping away and for the first time in weeks I was happy. I was so fucking happy until you came and saved me. You should have let me go. I wanted the pain to go away and here I am stuck in my hell again."
"Willow, you're not the only one that's hurting," I snap. "This isn't all about you and how you feel. Trying to end your life was a selfish thing to do. Imagine how badly you're hurting right now because you lost Koa, imagine how I would feel, how your dad would feel, how your brother and sisters would feel and how everyone else would feel if we lost you too. You didn't stop to think about how much you would hurt everyone that loves and cares about you. You stopped to think about no one but yourself. IT was selfish. You don't think I'm hurting too, Willow? Koa was MY son too, he was OUR son. I hurt just as much as you do," I say unable to control my anger.
"Mr. Anoa'i," says the doctor.
"Don't," says Mark, "they need this. This is the first time they talked in weeks. Let them have some time."
"He's going to upset her," he says.
"Give them their time," he says pushing the doctor out of the room and leaving with him to give us our privacy.
I make my way over to the bed so I am closer to Willow. "I hurt too, Willow. I hurt every day like you do but I get up and I keep moving. I don't give up. Do you know how many times I have wanted to give up? How many times I just wanted to throw my hands up in the air because I fucking hurt too?"
"Joe," she says with tears in her eyes.
"I'm not done, Willow, this whole relationship has been about YOU and what YOU want. I never think about what I want. I never think of myself because I am always trying to make you happy, make sure you have what you want but what about what I want, Willow? Koa was my son too and I hurt every day just like you. I ask myself why every day. I blame myself every fucking day," I say. "I've been walking on egg shells, giving you your space, letting you sulk as you deal with this in your own way. I have tried to be there for you but all you do is push me away. You lay in bed all day, crying, sulking pushing me away. I want to be there for you. Hell I need someone to be there for me too. NO one but you understands my pain but you won't even look at me, talk to me, let me hold you ANYTHING then you go and pull this stunt, trying to end your life, Willow? Nothing gets more selfish than that. I love you. I love you so much losing a son was bad but to lose my wife too that would kill me. It would have killed your dad just as much. I know you're hurting I get it I am hurting too but I didn't give up on living my life. Is it easy every day to get out of bad and pretend like everything is okay in life? No it's not but you know what I do it. I get up and I get out there and I live my life but I hurt every day. We can't lay around and ask ourselves why, Willow. That's only going to build up the pain, make it hurt more. We're powerless in the fates of life but the things we can control like being there for each other we aren't doing. I can't do this alone, Willow," I say with tears of fury and sadness burning my eyes. "I don't want to do this alone. I need you just as much as you need me. You have to let me in. You can't keep shutting me out. I understand the waking up and living the same hell over and over again. I get that, Willow but maybe some time down the road we'll be able to have another baby I don't know I don't think about it. I think about getting through one day at a time which is what we need to do. Willow, I thought I lost you today. I really did. I know you don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt either but don't be selfish. You need to let me in. You and I are the only ones that understand this loss. You and I are the only ones that can get through it. I'm sorry, Willow but for better or worse and right now I don't see how life can get any worse. We need to stick together be there for one another. I can't do it alone anymore. I can't. I need you."
Willow bursts into tears, heavy sobs and I sit down on the bed with her. Taking her in my arms holding her in my arms, thanking God she's still here. I understand she's gone through a lot, we both have and we both need each other. I cry with her, heavy sobs of my own, holding tightly to her. "I don't want to hurt anymore, Joe. How does it stop hurting?" she asks holding tightly to me.
"I don't know, Willow. I don't know. I want it to stop hurting too. I guess over time you just get used to the pain and everything seems all right."
"I don't think anything will ever be all right again," she says.
"Eventually one day I guess we will just get used to living without our son, adjusting to life without him and everything will seem all right."
"We'll be happy again?" she asks.
"It's going to take some time but we will be," I say, "we'll be happy again."
"I'm so angry right now, Joe, I'm pissed off. Why would they take our son from us? What did we ever do? And I blame myself because at first I didn't even want him. I didn't want to be a mom and now, I want to be a mom more than anything, Joe," she says. "I just hurt so much," she sobs.
"Me too," I say holding her tight. "It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. We can't control the cards life deals us we just have to keep playing, keep going even if they are sucky cards. I know these cards fucking suck but one day we have to be dealt better cards. It sucks. I hate this as much as you do. I wish I could take your pain away but I can't. I think we just need to work together and get through it together."
"Joe, I'm sorry," she says. "I'm really sorry. It is just hard to talk about. I felt that if I didn't talk about it that it wouldn't be real, that I wouldn't have to face the fact my son is gone, our son is gone but it's real and it hurts so much. It hurts so much," she cries.
"I know," I say. "I denied it for a little while too. But it happened and the only way we can get through it is deal with it together."
"I know, Joe. I didn't mean to push you away," she says. "I love you so much. I just want this to be over."
"Me too," I say, "you know they are requiring you to see the psychiatrist after what you did."
"I heard," she says. "I'd rather not."
"I think that talking to someone about your feelings is good, Willow. I think you and I need to go to counseling together so we can learn to cope with our loss. We can't do it all on our own there have to be coping mechanisms."
"I know," she says, "I just don't know how I feel about telling a stranger our business."
"Sometimes talking to someone that doesn't know us helps us the most. I want to get through this, Willow but I can't do it without you. We need to work together and move forward together. We can't shut each other out we have to talk and help each other be there for one another," I say. "Can you do that for me?"
"I can," she says. "I'm sorry, Joe."
"I'm sorry too," I say.
"Do you think we will get through this?"
"I think so but it's just going to take work and some time," I answer her. "I think the most comforting thing for me is knowing that he's up in Heaven with some of my family members and they are probably taking care of him until we can see him again."
"I hope so but I am not sure how I feel about God right now and all that stuff. If God is so good why does he let bad things happen to good people?"
"That's a question a lot of us ask why does God let bad things happen to good people, the answer that I believe is that God doesn't allow bad things to happen, he presents trials in people's lives. This is a trial. He's not gone, he hasn't left he is still with us and all he presents to us are good things."
"But we lost our son, how can that be a good gift from God?"
"God has a plan for everything, Willow. Like I said God presents us with trials in our lives to better us, make us stronger in our faith and to give him trust. I don't know why he did what he did and it's hard to understand why but I trust him. I trust that he has a plan for us and I trust that he has a reason for all of this. I also hope and believe that he has good things coming for us whatever they may be he has something good coming for us. I know you're angry at God and it's hard to understand but he still loves you, Willow."
"If he loved me he wouldn't have taken our son, Joe, that doesn't justify love to me."
"God loved Mary and he took her son from her," I counter. "And why did he take her son? Because it was part of his plan and his reason so that we could be here today and that we could live our lives with the knowledge of life after Earth and eternal life. I'm sure Mary felt the same way you do because she lost a son but all the great things that came from her losing her son changed the world. It's not that God doesn't love you because he does it's because he has a plan for everything."
"That's fine for you to believe," she says, "but I'm not Mary and my son wasn't taken to save the world. I just can't believe God would hurt me like this."
"One day we'll figure it, Willow."
"I hope so," she says. "I love you, Joe."
"I love you too, Willow. We're going to be okay," I say to reassure her, "it's just going to take time, baby steps into the right direction. I think talking to someone and getting coping mechanisms will help us a lot but talking to each other will be the best."
"I agree," she says as she hugs me tight and I hold her in my arms. I kiss the top of her head before she nuzzles into my chest. "I'm tired. Can you just hold me?"
"Always," I say with a soft smile as I readjust myself so that we can both fit into the small hospital bed. I hold onto her as she drifts off to sleep in my arms and shortly after she falls asleep the room goes dark and I find myself lost in my own dreams of a life that is yet to be with Willow.
*A/N: What did you think of Willow trying to kill herself? Is she hurting more than we believed that she was? What did you think of Joe snapping out on her for her suicide attempt? Did he have every right to snap on her? Did she need to hear what he had to say? Do you think Willow is selfish when it comes to their relationship and her feelings? What do you think of her and Joe finally talking? Are you glad she agreed to go to counseling with him? Do you think this will help them cope better? Do you think they will be happy again and experience happiness once again? Please review and thank-you for reading.