Chapter 69

Deeks awoke with a strangled gasp, his breath coming in shallow pants, his entire body covered in a thin sheen of sweat. He stared at the ceiling in the low light of the hospital room, trying to recover his equilibrium. He closed his eyes and applied what Nate had taught him the last time. He was on the beach; it was a beautiful sunny day. The sky was blue with a few white puffy clouds. He could hear the waves crashing on the sand, the sound of the gulls circling overhead. The swells weren't surf worthy but that wasn't what he was there for. He headed into the water with his board until he was out beyond the break. He sat on it and let the ocean wash away the remnants of the nightmare. This was the second one since he'd woken up for the first time.

When his breathing was under control and the dream was all but gone, he opened in his eyes again and sighed. He didn't want to go through this again. The first time had been one time too many. In his mind, he went over his visits with Kip, with Sam and Callen, the meeting with Moira and Craig and frowned. Things were different this time, he didn't feel like he wanted to crawl into a hole and pull it in after him. He didn't feel like he wanted to distance himself from everything and everyone. His breathing started to get erratic again when a panicked thought crossed his mind. Was he getting used to being tortured? Was that why he was reacting differently this time? He heard Nate's voice in his head from the time he'd tracked him down at the beach, after he'd blown off a meeting with their semi-resident shrink. Words about how his brain was trying to make sense of what had happened by trying to find something from his past to compare it to and that, not finding anything, was making it work harder.

Working it through, he started to realize why things were different now. This wasn't the first time he'd been whipped, although his father had been more apt to use his belt and only used whatever else was at hand if he was too drunk to get it off. He vividly remembered another day when his dad had once again been so drunk he couldn't see straight. He'd woven his way to the kitchen to get another beer but dropped it as he pulled it out of the refrigerator. It had shattered on the floor. Seven year old Marty Deeks had made the mistake of being in the same room at the same time and hadn't been able to stop himself from making a startled sound at the loud noise of the bottle smashing into pieces. Somehow it had become his fault that the beer had been broken and his father had picked up the still intact bottle neck and driven it into his small son over and over. He remembered how the first few had burned and stung from the remaining drops of beer that had clung to the glass. He'd tried to run away but he was still bruised and sore from the beating the day before and his father had caught him easily. Several of the cuts had required stitches, his mother explaining them away as an accident, the nurse and doctor eying him suspiciously as he'd steadfastly backed up his mom's story, as always.

As for beatings? Hell, his dad hadn't even been the only one to subject him to one during his childhood. He'd taken more than his fair share of them from the bigger kids who thought the violin playing boy was an easy target to take their anger out on. Anger about anything and everything, most times having nothing to do with him at all, just the situation they found themselves in. He'd been seen as the easy option. That was until he'd learned to fight back. He'd been beaten as a cop and flashed to the one he'd taken at the hands of Lasik and his goons in the abandoned power plant. Robinson and McGonagle hadn't been the first and, he suspected, wouldn't be the last to beat on him, as long as he continued on his chosen career path.

Things were different this time because his father had prepared him for this. He had something to compare this to and he knew he was strong enough to get past it because he'd already done it. The calm that came over him at that thought caused a small, relieved smile to playover his face. Who knew dear old Gordon John Brandel would actually have a positive impact on his son's life?

In the quiet of both the room and his mind, he heard a slight sound that he recognized instantly and made him realize that here was yet another reason why this time was different. Kensi. His Kensi. He noticed her for the first time since he'd woken up, which was unusual. He always knew whenever she was anywhere near him, but his introspection after he'd woken up from the nightmare had stopped him from taking in his surroundings. She was another reason for the change. He had her. She would never again let him push her away like he had after Sidorov and he found he didn't have any desire to do so. The last time, it had been her pushing her way past his walls, giving him no real choice but to let her in, which had finally put him on the road to healing. The healing had continued with the support of his friends and family once he had let them in as well. He wouldn't be that stupid this time. He had finally come to the conclusion back then that, admitting when he needed help, wasn't a sign of weakness. That it actually took a strong man, or woman, to admit that there was something wrong that could not be handled alone and to ask for assistance.

He looked at her, sitting in the chair, her head on the bed, his hand in hers as she slept. His love for her swept over him and he tried to move his hand away so that he could touch her hair but she made a sound of dismay in her sleep and tightened her hold on him. She looked so uncomfortable, he really needed to wake her up and make her go get some sleep somewhere where she wouldn't wake up stiff and sore. Not thinking, he lifted his other hand and tried to turn onto his side to use it to stroke her face. He gasped at the pull of the stitches across his back and chest, his ribs protesting loudly at the sudden movement, pain exploding throughout his body. She was awake instantly. "What's wrong? What do you need?" echoing her words from earlier.

"I'm fine, baby. I just moved the wrong way." He whispered to her. He smiled at the look of relief that passed over her face. She reached her free hand up to push her hair away from her face and he had to laugh at the marks on her cheek that the bedspread had left behind. She frowned at him and he sucked in his lips, trying to stop the laughter but it wouldn't be contained. He knew deep down that it was less about the marks on her face and more about the relief he felt knowing that he would get through this, with help from the ones who cared about him. He wasn't alone.

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A soft knock came at the door early in the morning hours. Deeks had convinced Kensi to go lie down and get some rest shortly after he'd woken her up from her uncomfortable sleeping position. She'd reluctantly gone into the other room after extracting his promise that he'd wake her if he needed anything. He looked through to where she was to make sure that she hadn't moved. He called out a soft welcome and Moira stuck her head through the door.

"You're up."

"Yeah, only a few minutes though. It's good to see you Moira."

She walked into the room, followed by Craig. "And you too Craig!" Deeks grinned at the ER nurse, happy to see both of them. He'd actually been awake for about a half hour and was bored but hadn't wanted to wake Kensi up from her much needed sleep. "What's up?" He said softly, nodding towards the other room. "Kensi's asleep in the other room. I had to beg her to lie down."

"We'll keep it quiet then. I was thinking I'd check on you before going off shift and maybe be able to give you some good news."

"Oh? I could use some good news."

"Well, if all looks good, how would you feel about having the catheter removed?"

Deeks felt a blush rise up his cheeks. He'd been catheterized before and had hated every second of it, even though he knew that it was a necessary evil. This time was no different. There was just something about a tube being stuck up inside a very private part of him that was annoying, uncomfortable and just plain embarrassing. Moira watched the red creep up and had to smile, well aware of how he felt. She gestured to Craig and said "If we can remove it, Craig will be the one to do it. And then we can try to get you out of bed for a few minutes, maybe even take a shower"

Deeks nodded his appreciation, the idea of taking a shower more than making up for the coming catheter removal. "What do we need to do?"

"I need to check your wounds, ribs and lung. This might be uncomfortable but it will be worth it in the end." Moira moved forward and raised the back of the bed while Craig busied himself putting out a suture tray. He winced a little when he reached an upright position for the first time in days. She pulled on surgical gloves and lifted the blanket, revealing the loose scrub pants they had put him in after his surgery. She pulled the pant leg up over the bandage on his upper thigh and gently unwound it. "This is healing nicely. You should be able to put a little weight on it." She lifted his leg a little to view the wounds on the back, left from the whipping, none of which had needed stitches or bandaging after the first few days. She moved to the other leg and repeated the exercise. Both legs were pretty much healed.

"Let's see how the rest looks." She smiled at him and he grinned back. She left the bandage off his leg, confident that everything would be as she hoped and he would be able to shower. There was something to be said about the healing properties of feeling clean. She motioned to Craig, who came over and supported Deeks so he could lean forward in order for the two of them to gently unwind the strapping around his ribs. Once they were done, she gently palpitated his ribs and was pleased at how nicely they, too, were healing. She put the earpieces of her stethoscope in her ears and listened to his lungs, both of which sounded strong. She moved his shoulders, noting that the inflammation from the dislocations was gone.

While he remained in this position, she removed the large bandage from his back. Like the rest of him, these wounds were looking good; a few of the smaller ones even healed enough for the stitches to be taken out. She reached out to the suture tray and picked up the scissors to remove several groupings. Once she was done, she nodded to Craig and they gently laid him back on the bed. He was a little pale and sweaty but otherwise fine. "Ok, everything looks good. Let's let Craig remove the catheter and then he can help you into the bathroom to shower. How does that sound?"

"Like heaven!"

Moira grinned at him and pulled off her gloves. "I'll leave you two to it then. I have some other things to take care of before I go home. I'll check back in tonight when I come back on." She looked at him carefully. "You need to promise me that you won't try to overdo it."

He nodded and held up his right hand in the scouts hand sign "Scout's honor."

"Except you were never a scout!" Everyone turned at the new voice to find a sleepy Kensi leaning up against the door frame of the bathroom. She was dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, mock glaring at him, daring him to refute her statement. It crossed Deeks's mind that she was absolutely adorable.

"Doesn't mean I can't believe in their oath!" He countered. Moira laughed and said her goodbyes.

Kensi smiled at him, happy to see him sitting up and looking more alert. Her heart rate increased a little at the sight of the now visible wounds on his chest and the smile faded. He picked up on it immediately and said "Kens, I'm good!" He held out his hand to her and she moved to take it. He squeezed her fingers and smiled at her again, trying to get her to respond. "Kens?"

She swallowed hard and looked him in the eyes. There was pain there but none of the anguish she was afraid she'd see. He seemed to be dealing with this better than she'd expected. She knew he was waiting for her to smile back at him so she dredged one up.

"There's my girl!. Now, you need to leave." he said.

"I what?!" she asked incredulously.

"You need to leave, just for a little while. You can come back when I'm ready to shower."

Kensi pulled her hand out of his and fisted both on her hips, not sure why he was kicking her out. For some reason he was no longer meeting her eyes. She frowned and looked at Craig who looked everywhere but at her. "Ok, what's going on?"

Deeks and Craig both got red and refused to answer. She looked from one to the other, trying to piece things together. When she realized what was going to have to happen for him to be able to shower, she felt the laughter bubble up as it explained the two men's embarrassment. Deeks she could understand, but Craig? He was a nurse and should be used to this. She bit her lip and nodded, not trusting herself to talk. She leaned down to kiss him and went back to the other room, closing the door behind her. She put her back up against it and shook with silent laughter. It felt so good.

Back in Deeks's room, Craig helped him out of his pants and gently removed the catheter while Deeks stared at the ceiling, willing it to be over. Once it was, Craig helped him put the pants back on and the two of them looked at each other. Deeks started to laugh and Craig joined in. The nurse removed all evidence and then Deeks called out for Kensi to return. She came back in and grinned at the two men but refrained from teasing them. Craig started removing the leads to all the machines and, once done, gently began removing the IV line from Deeks's left arm. He no longer needed the saline or intravenous antibiotics and would be taking pain medication by mouth from now on. Done, he stood back; satisfied that he'd removed everything tethering his patient to the bed.

"So what now?" Deeks asked Craig.

"Now we get you to sit up and dangle your feet over the edge of the bed. If you can sit up without getting lightheaded, we'll move on to getting you to stand. Then we'll get you into the bathroom and the shower. There's a seat in there so you won't have to stand."

"Sounds good, let's get this show on the road!" Deeks pushed the blanket off and started to sit up. Craig put his hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down.

"You need to let us help you. If you fall, you'll set yourself back and then it will be longer before you can get out of here!"

"Okay, okay."

Kensi and Craig helped him sit up and move his legs off the bed. He was a little dizzy but it passed quickly. He sat for a couple minutes until he felt like he could stand without falling. With Kensi on one side and Craig on the other, he stood up for the first time in over a week. They didn't move forward right away, letting him get used to being up on his feet. When he nodded, they began a slow shuffle to the bathroom, pausing whenever he indicated he needed to stop for a moment. When they finally reached the shower, he was surprised that the short walk had almost wiped him out. He contained his embarrassment as Kensi had to help him undress. It was worth it to be able to shower and feel really clean again.

They helped him into the shower and carefully lowered him onto the built in seat. Craig turned the water on and Deeks turned his face up into the stream, reveling in the warm water running down his face and chest. Kensi stepped in with him, not caring that her clothes were quickly soaked. She sat next to him, poured shampoo into her hands and carefully washed his hair for him, trying not to hurt him. The feeling of her hands carding through his hair made him moan with relief, and a little something more. Craig watched the two of them, the sight making him ache for something unspoken. Talia drifted through his mind. He shook his head to get rid of it and said "I'm going to go strip the bed. Will you two be okay?" Kensi smiled and nodded at him. "Don't let him overdo it." She nodded again and turned back to Deeks.

Craig went back to the room and closed the bathroom door, leaving it open just a little. That way they could have some privacy but he would be able to hear if one of them called out for help. He moved to the bed and stripped the dirty linens, throwing them in the hamper just outside the room. He'd brought new ones from the linen closet and proceeded to make up the bed with fresh clean sheets and a blanket. He put out fresh bandages and ointments on the suture tray Moira had left.

Kensi finished washing his hair and he leaned into her, happy to be so close to her. It was then that he realized her body was shaking. He raised his head but she wouldn't look him in the eyes, instead raising her closed ones to the steady stream of water. Her breath hitched once, giving her away. "Kens?" he asked softly. "Baby, it's okay to let me see you cry. I would never think less of you if you did. I know it was hard on you. Believe me, I know how hard it is to be the one left behind, not knowing, worrying, and imagining the worst. It's over now and I'm getting better. I know from experience that that's when it's the hardest for the one who'd been left behind to hide the tears." He said softly as he stroked the side of her face. She turned to him, burying her head against his chest and sobbed quietly. He winced a little but kept quiet.

"You could have died. Hell, you did die! It scared me just how much that scared me." She finally opened her eyes and looked into his. He smiled a little, letting her see that he understood. She hugged him carefully, sat back up and scrubbed her face with her hands. "Ok, I'm done being a wuss now. Let's get the rest of you cleaned up before we run out of hot water."

"I don't think that will happen in a hospital Fern."

"Well it could!" Tension broken, they both laughed a little and she grabbed the wash cloth and soap. As she helped him wash, he made some suggestive comments about exactly how she could help him get really clean, all of which she responded to with scolding about his not being well enough for that….yet.

When he finally declared he was clean and ready to get out, Kensi turned off the water and called Craig back in so he could help Deeks stand. Once he was out of the shower, Craig handed him one of the towels he'd left on the rack. Deeks wrapped it around his waist, finally feeling less exposed. He sat on the toilet seat and Kensi took another towel to gently dry his hair, and then moved on to patting his back and chest dry, trying hard not to catch on any of the remaining stitches. When he was basically dry, Craig handed him a clean pair of scrub pants and Kensi helped him into them. Finally done, he was helped to stand and faced the trek back to the bed with some trepidation. He was almost completely spent and wasn't sure he could make it. Kensi was watching him worriedly and he drew himself up. Smiling at her, he took the first step back and both she and Craig moved in to support him. When they made it back to the bed, he was relieved to be able to lie back down. The bed felt deliciously cool and clean and he snuggled down into it, eliciting a laugh from the other two.

Craig pulled the tray over to the bed and gently put antibiotic ointment on each of his wounds, leg, chest and back, Kensi helping to support him this time when he had to lean forward to give the nurse access. Once done, Craig re-bandaged each one and then rewrapped his ribs. Finally done they let him lie back. He looked at his patient and saw the pain in his eyes and the lines on his face. He walked over and grabbed the water pitcher off the bed side table and poured a glass. He walked back to the tray where a small cup sat with the pain pills they were replacing the IV with. Handing both to Deeks, he watched the man gratefully wash down the medication. He took the glass back and put it back on the table. Turning back, he watched the lines of pain start to iron out of Deeks's face. He smiled and Deeks smiled back.

"How do you feel?" asked Kensi.

"Lighter!" Deeks replied with a smile. "Clean for the first time since I woke up."

"Hey! You were sponge bathed daily!" said Craig.

Deeks looked at him, a horrified expression on his face. Craig immediately got defensive. "It was all strictly professional. We do that hundreds of times a week! You have nothing to be concerned about. What were we supposed to do? Let you get dirtier by the day?"

Kensi's laughter caught him off guard. He turned and looked at her with a question on his face.

"He isn't upset about the fact that he got sponge baths, Craig. He's upset that he missed them!"

Looking back at Deeks, he saw the smile on the man's face and knew that Kensi was right. He joined in their laughter and realized that he thoroughly enjoyed the company of these two. When the laughter died down, Craig looked down at his watch and both Deeks and Kensi picked up on it.

"Sorry we kept you so long Craig. Do you have other patients waiting for you?" asked Kensi, a note of apology clear in her voice.

"Actually, no. My shift ended about twenty minutes ago."

"Then go home, man! Don't waste your down time with us, go get some rest, hit the beach, do something other than hanging around with the sick dude!" Deeks said laughingly.

"I happen to enjoy spending time with this particular sick dude!"

Kensi and Deeks both stopped laughing and looked at Craig, who started to blush under their scrutiny. He looked at Deeks who slowly smiled at him and said "You can never have too many friends and I'm glad to think my number has increased by one."

Kensi nodded without speaking and held her hand to him. Craig took it and she squeezed hard, letting him know she agreed, before she let go. Trying to lighten the moment, Deeks asked "So, which nurses were allowed the privilege of sponge bathing all this awesomeness?"

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A/N – Deeks's sick time in the hospital is coming to a close but he still has a ton of recovery to do. Thanks to everyone for the reviews, favs, follows and suggestions/prompts!