Aftermath – Chapter 3 – Dr. Eden, Wednesday

I do not own these characters. They are property of Grey's Anatomy. Well, wait that's not true, Dr. Eden is mine, but everyone else belongs to Grey's Anatomy.

Arizona was running late. She normally kept a tight schedule, but today, on her way to meet with Dr. Eden, she couldn't resist stopping for a cup of coffee from the vender where she and Lauren met. Truth be known, she had a difficult time staying away from the place over the past few months. She'd go there periodically and indulge in the memory of the woman who completely unraveled her. She'd purchase the same beverage, joyfully over sugar it, sit in a nearby waiting room, and sip slowly. She'd take note of the sensation as the bold flavors roused her senses. She'd relax as the sweet heat filled her weary body. She'd let go.

Arizona had slipped away for coffee so many times now that a pattern developed. Something would happen at work, something that would upset her or make her day-to-day responsibilities twice as strenuous, and in response, she'd flee the situation for coffee and recollections of Lauren. She knew that what she was doing was a form of escape, but she didn't care. It was a diversion that lifted her mood. She could literally close her eyes, bring back the sensation of sexual attraction, and feel strength reverberate in her body and mind. She thought she should feel guilty about this, but she didn't. This is not to say she lived guilt free. Nothing could be further from the truth. She just simply did not feel guilty that another woman's attraction toward her had awakened and rekindled her underlying sense of self. Her lack of guilt was something she wanted to speak with Dr. Eden about, as well as the fact that she'd made plans to see Lauren.

As the elevator doors opened, Arizona put her thoughts on hold, stepped out, and entered Dr. Eden's office to find her in the reception area pouring a cup of tea.

Hey, thanks for seeing me so quickly. I'm sorry I'm a bit late," Arizona said walking toward her.

Dr. Eden looked up and smiled. "Not a problem," she said in a soft comforting manner. "Refill?" she added, nodding toward the carafe on the table in front of her.

"No thanks," Arizona said lifting her cup. "I'm good."

Dr. Eden smiled a second time and led them to her office where Arizona anxiously divulged the instant the door was closed. Before her backside even hit the cushion, she blurted out, "I spoke with Lauren."

Dr. Eden made soft eye contact, lowered herself slowly into a chair, crossed her legs, leaned back, and gently asked, "How did that happen?"

"I, well, I mean the hospital asked her to consult on a case, and I felt I needed to call her to see if she was going to take it or not."

Arizona watched Dr. Eden nod slowly. She searched her face for signs of disapproval, disappointment, and shock, and found none. She let out a long slow sigh and listened as the woman across from her inquired lightly, "And is she going to take the case?"

"Yeah, well we talked about it and yes she'll be here next week."

"You made the decision together?"

"Yeah, well no, I mean, I kind of made it for her. She said she'd recommend another surgeon if I wanted her to and that she didn't want to complicate things for me. I just didn't feel that was necessary. This hospital should offer its patients the best care available and Lauren is an amazing surgeon."

Arizona caught herself smiling at the sound of her own voice praising Lauren's surgical skills. She'd been painfully honest with Dr. Eden about her feelings of attraction toward Lauren and Dr. Eden had been extremely supportive of Arizona taking as much time as she needed before saying she did, or didn't, want to see her again. Arizona also felt incredible relief around the fact that she didn't have to defend her actions, or Lauren's, while in her company. In couples therapy with Dr. Striefland, she felt like she was constantly having to defend herself, and Lauren. In fact, she was exhausted by the way Callie continually shifted the focus away from what was going wrong in their marriage to what she felt was wrong with Arizona and Lauren for choosing to hurt her the way they did.

Arizona closed her eyes and let a comfortable silence fill the room. Moments of quiet between herself and Dr. Eden weren't unusual. She'd realized early on that it was Dr. Eden's way of giving her time to think. She cherished the opportunity, actually. Since the plane crash her thoughts had often become quite jumbled and the extra time proved helpful.

"It sounds like Lauren has been very mindful of your needs, Arizona." Dr. Eden said quietly breaking the silence.

Uncertain as to how long she had been lost in thought, Arizona sat up straight and focused, "Yes, she has. It helped me to realize I wanted to see her again, so I asked her to come in a day early so we can talk."

"Have you thought about what seeing her might feel like?"

Arizona noticed her heartbeat accelerate at this question. It seemed to her that she'd thought of nothing else. She inhaled deeply and told herself to be honest. That this was the one place in her life at the moment where she could speak freely about her feelings and not be judged. In her core, she knew Dr. Eden was there to help and that the one person in the triad she wanted the best for was Arizona. "Amazing," she confided. "I think that seeing her again will feel amazing. I mean, I know the guilt I feel for having cheated on Callie will still be there, but even when I was drowning it, like I was that night in the NICU, there were moments when Lauren was so supportive and encouraging that I felt absolutely amazed by her. Amazed at her belief in me; amazed at how much she wanted me; amazed at the way we… Arizona stopped herself. She was starting to feel overwhelmed with emotions and her breathing had become ragged.

"It's okay Arizona, just breathe. You're safe here."

Arizona watched Dr. Eden lean forward in a gesture of concern. She'd heard her words and repeated them in her head. "Just breathe." She then thought of how she and Dr. Eden had discussed so many painful things in the past few months, some of which caused Arizona and incredible amount of discomfort. They had worked on coping strategies and agreed that the more she talked about her feelings, the stronger she would feel. She met Dr. Eden's soft gaze and said, "There is just something about her. I wish I could explain it with words that make sense. I mean, I've been sexually attracted to women like her before; women just as powerful and strong; just as driven and just as intelligent. I was attracted to Callie the same way. So the sexual draw is nothing new to me, but with Lauren there's something else; something beyond sexual, something I can't identify. I was thinking about it on the way here. When I'm with her, I don't feel shattered or broken. I know that I shouldn't look to another person for that kind of wholeness, and normally I don't. Before the plane crash, I didn't; or I wouldn't have needed another person to… " Arizona realized she couldn't finish her sentence. Sharing her feelings so freely just now had raised an epiphany. Sofia made her feel strong and whole. She didn't feel shattered or broken around her daughter either. She closed her eyes, put her face in her hands and sobbed.

"Arizona, there's no doubt that your connection with Lauren has had a huge impact. Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason and what they bring with them can have an overwhelming effect. Lauren might be a great teacher for you, in any setting. She can be someone you knew for three days, or she can be someone you can continue to know. You really do get to decide."

Arizona held her face in her hands. One decision by Dr. Avery to bring Lauren back and she felt turned inside out again.

"Arizona, you and I made an agreement early on that I would not be playing the role of marriage counselor. Instead I'll help you identify what you need to be happy again. If you're not ready to close the door on your connection with Lauren, you don't have to; but you do need to figure out what you want it to look like. You told me when we first met that she disclosed liking you, "a lot." This seems to me to indicate that she would like something more than a friendship, but do you?"

"I don't know. I mean, there's a part of me that wants to explore a relationship with her, but there's another part of me that knows a friendship at this point would be far less complicated. Even though I've moved out, I'm still married. I mean, how can I work on my marriage and date someone?"

"I don't know that you can. How would Callie feel about it?"

"Well, I'm not sure she'd be open to it, but I do think she should be. I made huge adjustments with Mark. Not only was he her best friend, and someone she slept with before we got together, and again when I was in Africa, but he was the father of our child and had partial say in how we raised our daughter."

Okay then, this is the hard part, Arizona. You don't have to decide today, but you do need to figure out, at some point in the near future if you want to stay connected to Lauren enough to change the situation you're in with Callie.

Arizona inhaled deeply and let out a long slow sigh. Here it is, she thought to herself, the moment of truth. She mustered strength and said, "I think Callie and I need a time-out from couples therapy. At first we made progress, but now it seems we just fall into a rut. She blames me for cheating and not communicating my frustrations sooner, and I blame her for damaging a trust between us and for being overly focused on her own personal view of the world around her."

"When is your next appointment with Dr. Striefland?"

"This Friday."

"Do you think you will be able to say to Callie what you just said to me?"

"Yeah, maybe. This is the first time I've said it out loud, but I think it's the right thing to do," Arizona replied, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief as she did. She reached for a tissue, dried her eyes and took a deep breath. She felt a tiny bit of energy surge up her spine as she reached for her bag.

"Thanks, Dr. Eden. I appreciate it," she said softly.

"You're welcome Arizona. Before you go, I'd like to set up an appointment for us to meet once more before Lauren arrives."

"Yeah," Arizona whispered. "That would be good."

"When will you see her?"

"Next Tuesday."

"Okay, why don't you stop by Monday at 5pm?"

"Uh, hmm, okay, thanks. I'll see you then."

Arizona smiled at Dr. Eden and got up slowly to go. Walking to the door, she noticed lightness in her step. Once in the elevator, she took a sip of her now cold coffee. She savored the sweetness of the sugar and the boldness of the blend. Lauren's question, "Is this you?" resounded in her head. She smiled and humphed. "Yes, it's me," she said to herself, then added, "I may not be the woman I was a few months ago, but I am making my way back to the woman I once was."