Aftermath – Chapter 4 – Dr. Streifland.
I do not own any character in this story (other than Dr. Streifland). The rest belong to the writers and producers of Grey's Anatomy.
Arizona made a point of arriving at Dr. Streifland's office early. She took a seat in reception and focused on her breathing. She'd rehearsed what she wanted to say and how to say it. She'd even focused on the finer details, like where she'd sit and how she'd start the conversation.
She imagined Callie and Dr. Streifland doing what they'd always done. They would sit where they always sat, and approach the conversation the same way they always had. Only this time, things would be different. Arizona would be different. Instead of taking her usual place at the opposite end of the couch, she would stand near the window and lean her weight on the ledge, if need be. There was a chair she could choose, but it was closer to Callie than she was comfortable being. If she were going to say exactly what she wanted to say, she would need a safe physical distance between them. Without it, she knew she would feel tempted to look too deeply into the eyes of the woman she loved, but wasn't in love with anymore. Eyes that reminded her of all the pain and suffering her actions had caused. Eyes identical to their daughter's. This was the hardest part, really. She was terrified that she would look into Callie's dark pools, see Sofia's, and lose her nerve. She couldn't risk being unsettled in such a way. In her core, she knew it was wrong to consider staying in a relationship that didn't make her happy simply to avoid losing her daughter. Sadly, not a day went by that she didn't consider it.
Arizona knew Sofia was confused by the new living arrangements. She was a happy child, in general, and incredibly good-natured, but tears had become a regular part of goodbye. It was heart wrenching for all three of them. Callie had come up with a good workable solution, however. Instead of Arizona picking up and dropping Sofia at the apartment, they would use the hospital day-care as a mutual location. It seemed less disruptive for Sofia, worked better for her mothers' work schedules, and eliminated some of the strained conversation that often occurred during the exchange. That this arrangement was already in place brought Arizona great comfort. It was one less thing she had to worry about bringing up during their session.
Arizona noticed the clock on the wall read 4:03. She reached into her bag for her phone. With held breath she checked her messages. Nothing from Callie. "God, I hope she wasn't called to the ER," she said under her breath. As she did, Dr. Streifland stepped into the lobby.
"Hello," she said.
"Hi," Arizona replied.
"Callie left me a message a few minutes ago saying she's on her way. Why don't we wait for her in my office and I'll have reception walk her back when she arrives."
Arizona had never met with Dr. Streifland, alone. Quite frankly, she didn't like the idea of it and was taken aback by the suggestion. She imagined Callie coming in late and feeling uncomfortable with the two of them starting without her. She wasn't willing to do anything that would possibly make today's session even more difficult. "I think I'll wait for Callie here, thanks."
"Okay, I'll have reception walk you both back when she arrives."
"Great."
Callie arrived twenty minutes late and Arizona immediately sensed her anger. Callie had a tell and Arizona knew it well. "Here we go," she thought to herself.
"Everything all right?" she asked gently, hearing concern in her voice.
"Yeah, great! Everything is just great!" Callie said brushing past her to let the receptionist know she'd arrived.
Once in Dr. Streifland's office, Arizona watched Callie throw herself on the couch, slap her hands on her thighs, and tilt her head back to stare at the ceiling. Arizona looked over at Dr. Streifland, who was watching Callie. The entire scene sent Arizona's nervous system into high alert. This was going to be harder than she thought. She forlornly abandoning her plan to stand by the window and open with her decision to take a break from couples therapy. She slowly took her usual seat along side Callie and felt weariness settle into her bones.
"Arizona. Callie." Dr. Streifland said making eye contact with each as she said their name. "How was your week?"
Arizona waited for Callie to speak and heard nothing. This was unusual, as Callie was always the first to engage. She looked over and considered her silence. A wave of guilt washed over her. She surrendered to a sudden urge to care take and answered the dangling question. "My week was okay, a bit exhausting, but okay."
"Okay? Your week was okay?" Callie snapped. "Surely you can come up with a better adjective than that! How about fantastic? Why not say your week was fantastic!"
Feeling attacked, Arizona realized Callie wasn't withdrawing from the conversation, at all. Instead she was regulating it. She fired back, "What are you talking about?"
"You know damn well what I'm talking about!"
Arizona took a risk and looked deeply into Callie's eyes. She saw the same fierceness that had peered through the night she disclosed having an affair with Lauren. Tears swelled behind her eyes and in attempt to push them back, she closed them tight and bit her lip. She realized Callie was determined to make their entire session about Lauren. She quickly considered her options and decided it would be best if she were the one to introduce the topic. She turned to Dr. Striefland and said, "Dr. Avery is bringing Dr. Boswell back for a consultation."
"I see," Dr. Streifland said quietly. Callie, it seems like this is upsetting you. Am I correct in my assessment?"
Callie returned her head to the cushion and refocused her gaze on the ceiling. She offered nothing.
Arizona's mind flashed back to one of their first sessions with Dr. Streifland. It was before they were wedged into the rut of blame. Back then; she felt safe enough to describe her feeling of numbness. She worried Callie might be experiencing the same kind of numbness. "Calliope," she whispered.
Callie closed her eyes and Arizona felt her heart ache in a whole new way. She watched as a solo tear slid from the corner of Callie's eye and ran down her face and neck. In that moment, she knew words would never fully heal their wounds.
After several long tedious moments of deafening silence, Dr. Streifland inquired, "Arizona, how do you feel about Dr. Avery inviting Dr. Boswell back?"
Arizona felt cornered by the question. She told herself not to come out swinging. She didn't want to have this discussion. It wasn't what she planned. Why she hadn't prepared for it was beyond her. Of course Dr. Avery's decision would come up. Why wouldn't it? What was she thinking? Every time she saw Callie this week, she was on edge. In utter frustration she resigned to speaking her truth, "I think it is Grey Sloan Memorials responsibility to offers its patients the best quality surgeons available. Dr. Boswell is a good fit for this case. I think we can all agree to take a purely professional approach."
"A purely professional approach?" Callie retorted. "How can you say that, Arizona! Boswell's return is NOT purely professional and you know it!"
Arizona felt her own tears fall. She covered her eyes with her palms and said, "I can't do this anymore. I am not the one who called Dr. Boswell for a consult. This surgery is purely cosmetic and one hundred percent Dr. Avery's. Hell, I even abstained from the vote to bring her back. I have spent nearly three months trying desperately to make amends for what I've done and quite frankly I believe it's time I'm let off the hook."
"Why, because you're not the one who wanted her back. That's why you think you should be let off the hook? You're unbelievable, Arizona!"
Arizona heard sheer venom in Callie's voice. At once, it saddened and angered her. Without hesitation she repeated, "I can't do this anymore."
"Do what, Arizona! Do what?" Callie said tersely.
Arizona turned her body toward Callie and said, "This! I can't do this! I can't undue what I did. I know I hurt you, and I will never be able to express how sorry I am for that. I know my actions damaged a trust between us-one that will likely never be restored. I take full responsibility for that. I do, but I just cannot do this for one more second. We're not talking about the fact that we've both made mistakes in our marriage. We're just tearing each other down. I want to take a break from therapy."
"Take a break? You want to take a break! Well how perfectly convenient! Just in time for you to fuck Boswell again, right?"
Arizona felt Callie's accusation hit her square in the chest. In a moment of clarity, she realized there was some truth in what Callie had just said. While she had no plans of being intimate with Lauren, she was preoccupied with wanting to see her and wanting to be around someone who made her feel at ease. Fully accepting the gravity of her words, Arizona said, "Maybe we need more than just a break from therapy!"
Callie brusquely turned her entire body toward Arizona and yelled, "Yeah, well the third times a charm now isn't it, Arizona!"
"Excuse me?"
"Oh, you are just incredible. Are you really going to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about? The first time you broke up with me was because I wouldn't let go of my dream to have a child. Then you broke up with me a second time because you thought I wasn't being supportive enough of your work in Malawi. Now, you're breaking up with me a third time so you can fuck some overly assertive peds surgeon who doesn't give a shit about whose home she wrecks."
Arizona was speechless. It was true that she had broken up with Callie twice before. And just like this time, neither of the two was planned. The fact that three times now she was able to decide, in a singular instant, to end things with Callie suddenly seemed significant. It was time to admit that their relationship had always been a bit rocky and no matter how much they loved each other, they just couldn't find steady ground. It was time to admit that even though they were meant for each other, like so many of their friends suggested, their relationship had reached a limit as too how much crisis it could endure. It was time to admit that their marriage could not support the cumulative weight of a friends with benefits relationship with an ex that resulted in an unplanned pregnancy, a lack of support for the Carter Madison Award, a nearly fatal car crash, a nearly fatal plane crash, a life altering amputation, and infidelity. It was time to admit that they each needed distance to figure out who they were as individuals.
Arizona slowly got up from her corner of the couch and walked to the door. A voice inside her head screamed, "What about Sofia?" She answered it calmly by thinking, "Time will tell. If Callie doesn't drop Sofia at the daycare tomorrow, the next step will involve an attorney and a petition for partial custody."
On her way out, Arizona heard Dr. Striefland say, "Arizona, are you sure you want to leave things like this? We could all take a little time to think things over and then regroup." She knew it was rude to not respond, but she hadn't the strength or desire to stay one minute longer. She focused on the sounds of her footsteps on the floor, her heart beating, her lungs breathing, and her blood rushing. She was in an incredible amount of emotional pain, and yet she felt very much alive. She was no longer numb; she was conscious of her actions and understood exactly what they meant.