Aftermath, Chapter Five – The Talk
I do not own all of these characters. Dr. Eden is mine and the rest belong to Grey's Anatomy and Co.
Arizona wiped the steam from her bathroom mirror. Within an instant, the glass fogged over again. She was not surprised. Hoping the curative water would calm her nerves and wash away anxiety, she took nearly a twenty-minute shower.
The idea of seeing Lauren shouldn't rattle her as much as it did, and yet butterflies performed gymnastics in her stomach and a tingling sensation danced lightly upon her skin. She sighed and ran well-manicured fingernails through long wet hair. Suddenly, something Dr. Eden said during their session yesterday resounded in her mind, "We don't pick attractions, Arizona. They just happen. Some people think it's as simple as pheromones, but I'm not entirely convinced. Attraction, like the one you describe with Lauren can be transformational."
Reaching into her dresser drawer, Arizona thought twice about which bra and panties to choose. At first, she selected a red set and then remembered wearing something similar the night she and Lauren hooked up in the On-Call room. She closed her eyes and let her mind relive the experience of Lauren's strong urgent fingers sliding under the soft fabric. Her body promptly shuddered and she took herself to task. She wasn't meeting with Lauren to have sex with her again; she was meeting with Lauren to talk about what had happened between them, and what it meant. Something else Dr. Eden said suddenly entered her mind. "Be kind to yourself, Arizona." She laughed out loud and told herself there was nothing wrong with wanting to feel sexy, but maybe red was a little too sexy." She opted for deep purple and solid fabric. Once on, she attached her prosthetic and looked in the mirror. She'd lost weight, but still looked healthy. Her favorite jeans would be a tiny bit looser and the black button-up she bought would cling to her curve perfectly.
The rains had finally let up and old man winter loosened his grip. Arizona was grateful for the reprieve in weather. She had asked Lauren to meet her at the Seattle Conservatory. It wasn't far from the hotel the hospital reserved for guest surgeons and would be a perfect place to talk. It was never overcrowded, had a delightful coffee kiosk, and a large amount of space to either walk in or find a nook to steal away. It was public enough to prevent too much intimacy, but private enough to allow for some.
Lauren had a limited amount of time to catch a cab from the airport, check in to the hotel, shower off the plane ride and meet Arizona. She wished her flight out of Asheville had not been delayed. She wanted to be calm and collected when they met, not unsettled or nervous.
Over the past several months, Lauren had spent a great deal of time examining her role in how quickly her friendship with Arizona had turned sexual. She could easily admit to feeling so comfortable around her that she took spontaneous risk; risk that resulted in bittersweet beauty and pain. She knew she wasn't alone in the attraction, but hindsight is twenty-twenty and she recognized that the second she detected an opening, she hastily moved in.
Lauren had no idea what happened between Arizona and Callie after they left the NICU that night. She thought Arizona might have told Callie the truth, though she couldn't be sure. She realized that even if Callie did know about the affair, it didn't necessarily mean they were over. She sensed from Arizona's tone over the phone that she wasn't angry with her for what had happened. Still, the words, "I made a mistake," echoed in her mind. She didn't want to be Arizona's mistake, not then, and not again.
Arizona checked herself in the rearview. She no longer found it difficult to hold her own gaze. One poor decision didn't make her a bad person; nor did it negate the countless honorable choices she'd made throughout her life. Destruction accompanies every major storm; just as footings and foundations emerge to prove some things are indestructible. Arizona was indestructible. She had consciously let go of a little bit of control and her actions ultimately led her back to herself. Back to the woman whose life goal was to help children. Back to the women who was genuinely light hearted, sexual, independent and driven. Back to her namesake-a good man in a storm.
Arizona scanned the entry way and realized she was the first to arrive. A flash of vulnerability coursed through her veins and she wondered if Lauren had changed her mind. She shoved the thought aside and walked over to the kiosk. She ordered two cups of coffee and waited at the end of the counter. Seconds later, she saw Lauren walk in. Light green hazel instantly found deep blue spheres.
"Hey," Lauren said softly, smiling broadly. She wanted to pull Arizona into her arms in greeting, but awaited an invitation.
"Hey," Arizona replied, smiling just as widely. She inched forward, held eye contact, and opened her arms.
Lauren stepped in slowly. The second she felt Arizona's embrace, months of second-guessing disappeared. She inhaled deeply and savored the scent of herbal shampoo, earthy perfume and something exclusively Arizona.
Arizona felt Lauren's chest rise as she inhaled. She loved the way their bodies fit together and how physically close Lauren held her. The strength of the lithe woman's embrace was not lost on her, either. The memory of Lauren leaning against the elevator wall with her long arms extended at her sides revealing perfectly defined biceps flashed in her memory. She stilled the image there, pulled away slowly and said quietly, "Thanks for coming."
"There's no place I'd rather be," Lauren replied with her usual light and easy cadence.
"Here you go," the barista said placing two cups on the counter beside them.
Both women looked at her, then at each other, and silently acknowledged the memory.
"Shall we sit?" Arizona said nodding toward an empty table at the far end of the room near a patch of indoor ferns and calamondin oranges.
Lauren nodded and said, "Sure."
Arizona handed her one of the two cups and stepped back to let Lauren lead the way. Once seated, she busied herself with sweetening her beverage.
Lauren watched, eyes sparkling.
When finished, Arizona looked up and chortled.
Lauren did the same. The sounds of laughter brought her back to that moment in the On-Call room when she and Arizona shared a very similar experience. It was an amused exchange bristling with the acknowledgment that they were interacting in a secret world of their own making. One where the only language spoken was the one they invented as they went along-discovering new ways of seeing each other and how the other navigated the world around them.
Arizona was overtaken by the fact that both she and Lauren hadn't once stopped smiling since they'd arrived. It reminded her of their time together at the hospital and how her face would literally ache after seeing her. "I've missed you," she said quietly.
Lauren, though slightly surprised by Arizona's straightforward approach, found it refreshing. "I've missed you too," she replied with a slight rasp. Then added, "It was so hard not to call."
"Uh hmm," Arizona acknowledge huskily. "Thanks for that. I really did need the time to think."
"Yeah, things got complicated, fast," Lauren said softly, her voice revealing concern.
There was so much Arizona wanted to say. She had just opened a door to a very intimate conversation with someone she hadn't spoken with in months, yet something about the softness in Lauren's eyes gave her confidence, so much confidence that she actually felt excited to share her thoughts and feelings.
"Callie and I split up," she said quietly and looked away the instant she finished her sentence.
Lauren wasn't sure how to respond. She had sensed early on that Arizona was unhappy in her marriage, but had no idea if the unhappiness was something they were working through. Unable to find words that seemed to fit the gravity of Arizona's disclosure, she nodded slowly.
From the corner of her eye, Arizona saw Lauren nodding. She leaned forward in her chair, rested her chin on the base of her palm and focused on tiny orange orbs dangling about. She took time to gather her thoughts and after a few moments restored eye contact and said, "What happened between you and I partially cost me my marriage, and at the same time, it helped me find myself."
Lauren let the words sink in and hoped that it wasn't an inappropriate time to share her feelings. "I'm so sorry, Arizona." she said sliding her fingertips across the table as she did. She didn't move in close enough to touch Arizona's hand, but couldn't stop herself from physically reaching out. "I should never have come on as strongly as I did. I still don't know why I didn't take a step back and consider the larger picture. I was just so swept away by how good it felt to be around you. How easy it was."
Arizona exhaled slowly. "I know. I felt the same way. And, I let it happen, Lauren. You were not alone in the attraction; we were in it together. Maybe you were a bit more assertive, but energetically we were on the same page."
Lauren felt weight lift from her shoulders. In a soft warm tone she asked, "You said that what happened between us helped you find yourself. How are you different now from the person you were then?"
"Hmmm," Arizona said appreciating the question. She cherished the fact that Lauren wanted to know and treasured the idea that Lauren was intrigued. It was flattering, to say the least. She collected her thoughts before answering, "In my relationship with Callie, I'd made compromises that ultimately caused me to shut down a part of myself and give up a lifelong dream."
Lauren tilted her head in a way that encouraged Arizona to say more.
"The Arizona I tucked away was confident, strong, compassionate and independent. She went after what she wanted, without hesitation, and accomplished great things. She won a Carter Madison and opened a peds clinic in Malawi, one that still thrives to this day. The Arizona I buried wouldn't have stopped there. She would have focused her attention on other impoverished areas and built other peds programs." Blood rushed to Arizona's cheeks and she suddenly felt embarrassed by listing accolades so freely.
Lauren's heart swelled at the sight of the beautiful woman before her blushing. Instinctively, she reached over, placed her hand on Arizona's, and ran her thumb over the soft skin quickly before gently pulling away. She didn't want to make Arizona feel uncomfortable with prolonged physical contact, but she desperately wanted her to know the value of what she was about to say, "Arizona, you are the woman you describe. I have never seen you any other way. I'm in awe of your strength and determination, compassion and intellect. It's what draws me toward you."
Arizona felt tears well behind her eyes. She did not fight them. Lauren's words and brief touch soothed an ache deep within her. One she'd carried for months, maybe years. She smiled slightly, let the tears fall, and said, "You do see me; the real me. It's something I hold close to my heart."
Lauren was touched. Arizona had made a small but significant disclosure about how she felt. She honored her words by not pushing for more. "Thank you for telling me this."
Arizona used her fingertips to wipe away her tears, gathered strength, and said, "I don't want our connection to end."
"I don't either," Lauren whispered. The past months of self-reflection taught her to not impulsively rush in, but she couldn't stop herself from asking, "If we had the chance to continue, how would you see it? I mean what would it look like?"
"Well, I've thought a lot about this," Arizona said feeling focused and clear. "I'd like for us to have the chance to date, if you're interested? If so, I was thinking we could take things slowly this time, and get to know each other. I mean, I feel like I know you already, and know you well, but realistically we've only had three days together."
Lauren smiled and touched Arizona's hand in earnest. "I would like that very much. We can take things as slow as you want; it would be good for both of us. As for the travel logistics, it's not a problem. I'm on the West Coast at least once a month and it's just as easy for me to fly to Washington as it is North Carolina.
Arizona felt a rush of confidence surge though her essence. She put her free hand over Lauren's and said, "Well, how about we go on our first date tonight and I will show you a side of Seattle that only a local can?"
"I can't think of anything else I'd rather do," Lauren said enthusiastically, her Southern drawl ringing through.