I See You

Chapter 5

"We'll make it ok..."

Olivia's words echoed in her mind long after the detective had left the hospital. Amanda had been very uncomfortable with her boss being so close, even holding her hand, that all she wanted was the ground to open up and swallow her whole. She could still feel the touch of her sergeant's hand and it caused shivers to crawl down her spine. Looking at the hand Olivia had held so softly, but yet so firmly, she flexed her fingers, turning her hand around in every angle, intensely studying it.

Her skin tingled and burned as she couldn't shake the feeling off her superior officer's touch. Her feelings confused her. One minute she was extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed in Liv's presence and other times she found herself appreciating her company and proximity, almost needing it, craving it. Why was that? Why did she feel so strange around her and why was it making her so frustrated? Or was it Olivia that made her feel that way?

Groaning she leaned back against the pillow and closed her eyes but snapped them back open again as the image of a certain brunette came into view. "You know you gotta close your eyes to actually get some sleep right?" Fin popped his head through the doorway.

"Fin, what are you doing here?" she asked as she shifted around, feeling the cool bed sheets underneath her soft skin.

"What? I can't come and see how my partner is doing?" he walked in and handed her a paper cup and a brown paper bag. "Don't worry it's not coffee. I got you a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and some more chocolate treats in the bag. I know your cravings by now, Rollins."

Amanda gave him a weak smile and accepted the gifts and took a big swallow of the warm cocoa. "Thanks, you didn't have to do that."

"Yeah, I kind of did. It's the least I could do." he sighed and sat down on the chair that Liv had previously occupied. "Manda, what you did was..."

"Stop it Fin, please. I already had this conversation with Liv and I don't feel like being yelled at right now. I know it was stupid but I honestly wasn't thinking straight, I just reacted. Can we just please leave it at that?"

Pursing his lips Fin thought about it and saw that Amanda looked really tired and decided to drop it. "Okay... for now."

Amanda glared at him but didn't speak. A silence filled the room and they were both left in their own thoughts for awhile. Rollins gently flexed her fingers again, feeling a warmth spread across her body, settling in her stomach and lingered. All because of a touch from a person she tried to keep her distance from, a person she looked up to and admired, a person who was way out of her league.

Fin raised his eyebrows in a questioning manner. "Is your hand okay? You counting your fingers? They're all there right?" he joked, trying to make his partner feel more at ease. Amanda just rolled her eyes. "What's going on Amanda? You're acting weird. Did something happen?" the tough looking detective leaned forward in the chair to get a better look at his partner's face.

"Nothing happened Fin. I'm okay, you're okay and Emily is okay. We're all okay." she simply stated but her voice lacking in confidence.

"Are you? Are you really okay?" her partner wondered.

"Jesus!" Amanda said firmly with annoyance evident in her voice. "What are you, my mother? I'm fine." knowing her partner she knew that Fin was not gonna let this one slide. Maybe for now but he would definitely bring it up in the near future. He was a man true to his words.

"If you say so." he said calmly, "Just know that I'm here, partner." he placed a hand on Amanda's calf, giving it a gentle tug. "I've gotta go. Liv will have my ass if I stay any longer. She's making me fill out all the paperwork on this case and the... shooting." the last word was said in a more quiet tone almost as if he was afraid of saying it out loud. "There's some papers you gotta fill in too about... Josh and... you know, the..."

"It's okay, Fin. You don't have to be so weary of your words. I shot him and, yes I killed him, but he's not the first man I've killed and I'm sure he won't be my last. Don't walk on eggshells around me, Fin. Don't make things awkward. You're my partner. My tough, scary and protective partner that is really just as soft as a teddy bear." she smiled and batted her eyelashes, seeing her partner smile back.

"Don't you dare tell anyone, Rollins." he said seriously but with a hint of a smile.

When Fin was gone and she was left alone in a small, white, boring and clinical hospital room, she began to fidget with the bed sheets and she turned restless. She wanted out of there. It felt like the walls were closing in on her, causing the room to become even smaller, but she knew it was only in her mind and that it would be technically impossible for the walls to actually move. Sighing, she closed her eyes and tried not to focus on her surroundings but on work instead. Work had always been her sanctuary and a place to hide and disappear. It kept her thoughts focused and grounded, her peronal feelings and emotions to a minimum and she could just disappear from herself for a while. She was never any good at being on her own. It always led to unwanted thoughts and complicated feelings that, even Amanda herself, could not figure out or put a name to. Keeping busy had always been her best medication and therapy and laying in a hospital bed, physically restricted and an emotional wreck was not a good thing. She didn't know what to do with herself.

Eventually she drifted off to sleep due to another dose of pain relief the nurse administered.

"Fin, can I see you in my office for a minute?" Olivia had a fresh cup of coffee steaming in her hands as she passed Fin sitting by his desk. His eyes travelled along the room with his sergeant's strides and prepared himself for the worst.

He sat down across from his boss. "What's up, Liv?"

The brunette placed her cup on a coaster that was always positioned on her right hand side. "I'm not gonna start on you, telling you what a stupid decision you did by going into a hostage situation unarmed because you already know that. I'm here to talk about your partner."

Fin frowned. "Amanda?" he asked confused, not sure where this was going.

Liv nodded. "Yes, when I went to the hospital to see her I got the feeling that something was not right. She seemed a bit... I don't know, a bit off. Has she said anything to you? Has she been talking to you about what's bothering her? Especially after everything that has happened with her family. Is there something I should know about?" she raised her eyebrows firmly as to show her detective that there was no use to try and hide any secrets from her.

Sighing, he slumped further down into the chair he was sitting in and looked up at his boss. "I got the same feeling when I saw her earlier today." Fin said in a defeated tone. "She was acting strange. She kept trying to push me away and, I know that that's normal behaviour coming from Rollins, but there was something else, something I can't figure out. I asked her about it but she simply brushed it off."

Liv pursed her lips thinking about her conversation with the blonde earlier that day. "Okay, thanks Fin. Keep me posted, will you?"

Fin got up from his chair, headed towards the door but stopped and turned around. "If Rollins tells me something in confidence I'm not going to break that trust. She'd never speak to me again."

Liv held her hands up. "I'm not asking you to break her trust, just let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Knowing Rollins she's not gonna talk to anybody about what's bothering her. I just hope she feels safe enough to tell someone, rather than nobody at all." she sighed sadly.

Fin looked slightly confused as to why his sargeant was suddenly so interested in his partner's behaviour but knew better than to ask her about it. "Rollins is Rollins," Fin stated, "she'll be fine, she's tough."

After the senior detective left her office, she sat down in a resigned manner. "You can't be tough all the time." she whispered into the empty room, making her voice sound ghost like and distant. Something was up with her young detective and she was now making it her mission to find out what was going on. She felt bad for not being thre for Amanda previously when her family had caused her hassle and when she had been in trouble with her bookie for not paying off her gambling debt. She realised that the young blond was alone, estranged from her family and pregnant. She wanted to make it up to her, she wanted to make things right by being there for her now, to show her that she wasn't alone and that the squad was her family and had always been.

Being pregnant was something Olivia couldn't relate to. She had never been pregnant but she did have an adopted two year old son, Noah, so she had quite a bit of experience when it came to babies and young children. The brunette got a sudden strong urge to help the blonde through this pregnancy and even after the baby was born she wanted to be there for her. Things had to change between them and Olivia was determined to make Amanda trust and open up to her even thogh she knew it was going to be a struggle. The blonde didn't trust or open up to anybody, not even Fin, so asking her to trust Olivia would be near impossible but she had enough trust in herself to see this through. This was important to her and she was willing to do anything to make it happen.