I See You

Chapter 6

"I'm telling you I'm fine! Look, you want me on bed rest, fine, I can get bed rest at home, in my own bed, in my own clean bed sheets, in my own apartment."

Liv could hear two voices arguing as she walked down the corridor towards Amanda's room. She recognized the blonde's voice but the male voice was unfamiliar to her. As she came closer to the door she realised that it was Rollins doctor, trying to convince her to stay in the hospital for another couple of days but Amanda was being stubborn as usual.

"I'm going home and that's final. You can't keep me here. I'll discharge myself AMA. I know my rights."

Liv stepped into the room as as the doctor scratched his head in frustration. "What's going on?" she simply asked even though she knew very well what was happening.

"My doctor here, is trying to make me stay for another few days even though I'm fine." Amanda snapped, irritated that her boss decided to show up at this exact moment.

"Ms Rollins, I understand your frustration but as your doctor I..."

"Frustration?" Amanda snapped again, "I'm not frustrated, I'm angry, there's a big difference. Now, I'm telling you once more, I. Am. Fine." she hissed between her teeth.

Olivia gave the doctor an apologetic look as he passed her out and disappeared down the corridor with defeated steps. The brunette turned towards her detective and saw how tired, pale, angry, sad and loney she appeared. A hospital was a place to make someone better, a place for treatment, healing and rest but taking in the state of the blonde, it didn't seem to apply in her case. She honestly looked worse than when she first was admitted.

"You don't like hospitals very much, do you?" Olivia asked her gently as she approached the bed where Amanda was sitting, propped up against the pillows, her right hand resting on her stomach.

She glared at her boss. "Who does?" she grumbled but instanty regretted it as she knew that none of this was her fault and that she was already walking on thin ice when it came to Olivia's trust and judgement. "Sorry." she whispered and looked down at her hand that was resting on her big belly.

"It's okay." Liv said and shrugged her shoulders. "I know what this place can do to you if you stay here long enough. It gets boring, lonely and even the room seems to get smaller by the hour but, trust me, it's for your own good. We're all just trying to help you."

The blonde rolled her eyes but had her head turned slightly away from Olivia so the gesture went unnoticed. "I don't need help. I can look after myself."

"Says the girl with a hole in her side and a dislocated shoulder." The older woman slowly sat down on the plastic chair, waiting for some kind of reply from the injured woman but nothing was said. Liv sighed and glanced at the blonde who was doing everything in her power to not make eye contact with her boss.

"Amanda, will you please look at me?" Liv gently urged. The blonde reluctantly turned her head towards Olivia, made a two second eye contact before she again tore her gaze away. "Why are you making this so difficult, Amanda? We only want to help you. I want to help you. Believe it or not but we actually do care about you. Why won't you let us help you?" Liv's heart ached for the blonde who sat, looking so lost and hurt, in the big bed. She fought the urge to take a hold of Amanda's hand and hold on tight and not let go but she knew that the contact would not be appreciated. Instead she moved the chair closer to the bed, instantly making the younger woman unsettled. Olivia didn't care.

"Amanda, say something? Please?! I need to know what you're thinking."

Amanda turned quickly, causing her side and shoulder to sting but ignored the pain as her anger was stronger. "What do you want me to say, Liv?" she snapped, "what am I suppose to say? That I'm grateful to you all for having my back? That I appreciate you caring and showing concern for me? Is that what you want to hear? You want some kind of praise or reward for pretending to be kind and worried about me? What do you want from me Olivia? What do you want?" tears pricked her blue eyes but, just like the pain from her injuries, she ignored them too.

It hurt Olivia to hear that Amanda couldn't trust or lean on anybody but herself and that she honestly thought that people wanted something from her in return. She knew Amanda's childhood hadn't been easy, not easy at all, but she was surprised when Amanda clearly thought that nobody cared or wanted to help without wanting something for it.

"I don't want or need anything in return, Amanda. It's what friends and family do when someone needs help, if they're in trouble or just want to talk." she watched as the blonde shook her head in disbelief but Olivia continued before Amanda got a word in. "I know you don't trust people and specially not me and I don't blame you for that. I was horrible to you when you first joined our team and I'm so sorry for that. If I could take it back I would. I was going through a hard time myself with my partner leaving and that is no excuse, I know that. I dealt with things the wrong way and instead of listening to my captain and my friends and colleagues, I found my own way of coping with things. Looking back I realise how incredibly wrong and small minded I was."

Liv paused, swallowed and gently reached out to take Amanda's hand in hers to make her understand that she ment every word she was saying. The gestured was not welcomed and the blonde flinched as she felt Olivia's hand brush against hers but she didn't pull away completely. As long delicate fingers wrapped themselves around her bony frail ones, she felt the warmth penetrate her skin and her stomach fluttered. She wanted to pull away but found that she was frozen in place from the soft touch.

Liv continued. "I deeply regret how I handled things back then, especially with you, and I would do anything to make it undone. I was rude, unwelcoming and cold towards you and there's no words, no excuse, for my behaviour. I only wish and hope that you will forgive me? I am really sorry and, no matter what you think, I am here for you for whatever you need and I don't expect anything from you in return. Will you give me a chance?"

It all sounded like she was asking her lover for forgivness and not a friend. It sounded a bit too intimate but Olivia didn't pay too much attention to it. Instead she squeezed the small hand she was still holding, waiting for Amanda to say or do something. When nothing was done or said, Olivia scooted even closer to get a better view of her colleague. To her surprise she saw tears rolling down pale cheeks and how Amanda's shoulders began to shake. Feeling a empathetic tug in her chest, she swiftly sat down on the side of the bed, facing Amanda and gently, as not to cause pain to her wounds, she brought her in for a hug.

Amanda didn't return it. Instead she stiffened in the embrace and went completely ridgid, only her breathing was laboured and strained and Olivia realised that she was trying not to cry or break down in front of her. It broke her heart to see her friend like this and all she wanted to do was to take all her pain away. She began rubbing a hand up and down her back in a soothing motion, feeling how tense the woman really was as she did so.

"Relax, Amanda. It's okay, just take a breath and try to calm down. Shhh, it's okay to cry. Don't be ashamed for feeling what you're feeling. They are just feelings and they can't hurt you. Just accept them and acknowledge them. I'm right here, just relax. Shhh."

Her words didn't seem to have any affect as the blonde was still struggling not to cry, her body shaking from the effort. Liv shifted even closer, bringing her hand up and pulled Amanda's head into the crock of her neck. "Just let go." she whispered into a nearby ear.

At those words Amanda finally broke and her whole body shook but from release this time. The pain in her shoulder and side was nothing compared to the emotional pain she was feeling and she had to bite down on her tongue to stiffle a scream from escaping her throat. She desperately clung to the back of Olivia's shirt, gathering the material up in her hands causing it to wrinkle but she didn't care. She was ashamed for crying and showing weakness in front of her superior but the feeling of safetiness and comfort crept upon her and, just for a moment, those feelings outweighed the embarrassing ones.

She couldn't remember the last time anyone had held her like Liv was holding her now and she couldn't help but to feel some sort of peace and calm in her boss's arms. She knew it was inappropriate to feel what she felt but there was one part of her that allowed for those emotions to appear. The inevitable kicked in, the thought and feelings she had previously pushed aside and ignored were now surfacing. She didn't want to admit it but it had become quite obvious lately that she liked her boss and, not just as a colleague or a friend, but as something more than that.

Thinking back she thought of how much Liv use to annoy her sometimes, just by a look, and how she would tingle, flinch or tremble every time the brunette came in physical contact with her. It was all connected and relative of what she felt. She could barely be in the same room as Olivia without feeling small, unimportant or useless. The brunette had it all according to Amanda. Her dream job, a great career, a son, a beautiful and rather expensive apartment, kindness, firmness, a fierce temper when needed be and last but not least... her looks and her figure. Amanda had always been slight jealous of her boss for achieving so much and for appearing so seemingly perfect. She had great respect for Olivia and wouldn't purposely do anything to make her boss believe otherwise.

As ashemed as she was at this moment she couldn't help but allow her strange and confusing feelings towards Olivia to take over and she burried herself deeper into the warm strong embrace and couldn't help but to let out a weak whimper.

Olivia heard the tiny noise coming from the woman in her arms and she felt a tear of her own trickle down her cheek. "Oh, sweetheart." she gently whispered. "It's okay. Everything is going to be okay." after a few minutes Amanda's grasp on her shirt had lessen significantly and she was surprised when shr realised that the blonde had fallen into an exhausted sleep.

She lowered her body onto the soft sheets, wiped the tears of her face, sat down in the chair but never let go of Amanda's hand.